Salmon morning light cast eerie shadows across the floor of the deserted Radiation Therapy foyer. I was disappointed that Lorraine wasn’t at her post yet doling out information and support like butter mints. I was back at the Cancer Center for the last portion of my treatment plan, the all day internal radiation treatment. I had met with Dr. Obatu a few days before and he felt I had healed enough to tolerate this one last treatment. He told me that after that day, I would not need to see him again. I would see my regular oncologist for all my post-treatment care. I asked him for a list of other doctors I could see instead of Dr. Lander. I wanted someone as kind as Dr. Obatu taking care of me.
The glass doors swooshed open behind me. A woman walked in and stopped under the slowly spinning mobiles as if afraid to walk any further into the building. She rolled and unrolled a yellow pamphlet in her hands. I pulled an identical brochure out of my coat pocket and tapped it against the leg of my jeans. The woman whispered, “Are you here for brachytherapy too?” I nodded. “They said to wait in the foyer. Is this the foyer? And why do we have to be here so early? The hospital isn’t even open yet.” The woman shoved the brochure in her bag next to a sippy cup and a box of crayons. “Aren’t you nervous? You don’t look nervous.”
“I’m trying not to think about it.”
“I wish I could do that. I haven’t been able to think about anything else for weeks. Part of me wants to get this over with as quickly as possible but mostly it scares the bejesus out of me.” Anxiety leeched out of her like wisps of steam. “I was so petrified this morning, my husband had to pull me out of the car and march me up to the door like I do with our three year old.”
I recalled how helpful the other patients had been that day in the orange waiting room when I was so nervous. I could be helpful. I tried to smile reassuringly. “We aren’t supposed to eat anything but there are bottles of water here. Would you like some water?” I stepped around the corner into the atrium and returned with two bottles. “I’m Lara, by the way.”
The woman took a bottle of water and sighed, “Cindy. My husband will be glad to know there’s someone else here. He didn’t want to leave me here by myself but he had to run home to get the kids off to camp. He’ll be back later.” The woman took a sip of water and seemed to be calming down. “Is your husband parking the car?”
“No, it’s just me. No husband, no kids.” A twinge shot through my heart. I should have asked Sebastian to come with me to this appointment. He could have understood and shared my anxiety. I didn’t need to be alone. Cindy and I waited quietly turning over the bottles in our hands and the thoughts in our minds until a woman in a lab coat emerged from the morning gloom to lead us through the hospital maze to the basement-level treatment rooms. The Internal Radiotherapy suite was a puddle of light at the end of the dim hallways. A young nurse greeted us warmly and introduced herself as Rachel. She left Cindy in the small waiting area and led me to my treatment room for the day. Someone had taken pains to make the room comfortable with pictures on the walls and padded hangers for me to hang my clothes on. Still, no amount of decorating could mask the oppressive thump of the lead door that signaled that this was yet another place where my body would be subjected to forces the rest of humanity needed to be shielded from.
Nurse Rachel handed me a soft cotton gown and a pair of thick athletic socks. Before she left, she asked, “Are you alone?”
There was that question again. “Yes,” I replied. “At least today.”
“I only ask because Rosaria over in Dr. Obatu’s office wrote an order for a sedative that will knock you out and make it impossible for you to drive yourself home. Would you like to use that?”
The word “no” reflexively crouched on my tongue. I stopped, swallowed, and asked, “What would you do?”
Nurse Rachel’s perky smile didn’t extend to her eyes. “I’ll keep it here in case we need it.”
I changed into the gown and took a moment to explore the room before Rachel returned. The hospital bed had been modified for the treatment. Instead of cold metal cups to hold my heels up in the air and leave my knees flopping around while the radioactive probe was irradiating my cervix, soft sleeves had been attached to the bed to support my calves. I tried to count off all the ways the hospital staff was trying to make me feel comfortable to stave off the growing sense of panic slithering up my spine like a serpent.
A voice came over the intercom asking me if I was ready. My voice echoed off the walls as I called back in the affirmative. A curtain retracted and exposed a thick glass panel set in the upper portion of the wall. I could see a mass of braids and a pair of soft brown eyes above the edge. A young woman stepped on a stool or step and waved to me through the glass. I felt like a zoo exhibit. The intercom crackled again then I heard, “Hi, I’m Taye, your dosimetrist. I’ll be administering your treatment from in here.”
“Okay,” I called.
Taye covered her ears with her hands. “I can hear everything you say just fine. You can talk in your normal voice.”
“Sorry,” I said in a whisper. Taye gave me a thumbs up and turned to manipulate the controls.
Within a minute, Nurse Rachel came in to help me into bed. Once in position, she pulled several heated blankets out of a low drawer in the wall and draped them over my body and legs like a warm hug. “If you get cold, I can change these out for you. We can hear you in the control room so just call out if you need anything.” Nurse Rachel struck me as being very sweet but also very young. It seemed wrong for this young woman with her cute blond ponytail and remnants of teenage acne to be ministering to people going through day long radiation treatments. I worried that any radiation exposure could damage her chances to have children. All the terrible things that residual radiation could do to her young body pinged through my brain as Rachel quietly reviewed the day’s procedure while inserting an IV in my arm and clipping a pulse monitor to my finger.
The serpent of anxiety slithered into my brain. “This is really happening,” it hissed. “They are going to jam a radioactive probe up inside you.” The serpent coiled its tail around my chest until I couldn’t get any air into my lungs. An alarm went off beside my head and Taye’s disembodied voice echoed through the room. “Rachel, is she okay? Her heart rate is way up.”
I screwed my eyes shut and attempted to take a calming breath. Concentrate on the nurse. Don’t zone out. Concentrate. I hung from a narrow ledge of consciousness. My fingers were slipping. The treatment room became a tunnel. The crone stood over me again, poised to strike. The light from the tunnel’s distant opening glinted off her speculum fingers. Outside in the sunshine, Nurse Rosaria called my name. I struggled to pull myself toward her voice but my legs were chained to something under the table. I yanked at the heavy chain. Mama’s yellowing foot with its ridiculous owl tattoo rose into sight. I pulled with all my might but the chain slipped through my fingers. It was slick with oozing anger and resentment. Rosaria’s voice boomed in my head again. “Where is the lorazepam? I know we ordered it.”
Suddenly, I was back in the treatment room with Taye, Nurse Rachel, and Rosaria standing around me. I started to sit up. “Watch the IV,” Nurse Rachel said while pushing my shoulder down.
“When did you get here?” I asked Rosaria.
She leaned over the treatment table to look me in the face. “Taye called. I came right down.” The recessed ceiling light surrounded her compassionate face like a halo. “So what’s the problem?”
“Her heartbeat is coming down again,” Nurse Rachel said from behind my head.
“I’m afraid,” I forced out.
“Is that all?” A quiet smile graced Rosaria’s face. “Let me give you something to help you relax.” She signaled to Nurse Rachel to hand her the vial of sedative and injected it into my IV. She rubbed my arm as if hurrying the medicine into my blood stream. “I can stay a few minutes while Taye prepares for the treatment. Would that help?” I felt like my blood had been replaced with Cheerwine, bubbly and syrupy. Taye and Nurse Rachel swung a machine over my body. I was vaguely aware of Taye moving near my legs but was fixated on Rosaria gently stroking my hair with one hand and patting my arm with the other. It was probably the drugs, but I chose to believe it was Rosaria’s touch that let me relax enough for Taye to position the probe without pulling away. Rosaria could not possibly treat all her patients with this level of attention. I felt special, valuable.
Once the probe was in and the equipment had been double and triple checked, Taye said, “Okay Miss Lara, we are about ready to begin the treatment. We need you to stay in this position for five hours. I have put straps across your abdomen and around your legs. They’ll prevent you from moving, so just relax. Sleep if you can. Rachel and I have you covered. Ready?”
Thoughts floated through my foggy mind like dust motes. What if I do move? What would happen? “What if I have to pee?” I moaned.
“Lara dear, you are all right. Taye inserted a catheter to relieve your bladder,” Rosaria said. “Didn’t you feel her insert that?” I whimpered noncommittally. At that point, the serpent of anxiety gave up fighting against the pull of the tranquilizers and I drifted into a warm sleepy state. I heard Rosaria whisper as if from a distance, “If you need me, I am just down the hall.” When I opened my eyes again, Taye, Nurse Rachel, and Rosaria were gone.
I was alone again.
***
Two hours into the treatment, Taye’s voice came through the wall speaker. She sounded flustered. “Miss Blaine, there is a woman here? She wants to sit with you, but you did not authorize any visitors on your intake form. Do you want visitors?”
I was enjoying the languor that the drugs brought on. “Who is it?”
“A Vanessa Klaitner? She says she’s your friend. She’s being kind of pushy with Lorraine out in the waiting room.”
A bubble of laughter escaped from my mouth. I knew exactly how pushy Vanessa could be. I wished I could be a fly on the wall to see her going head to head with the gracious Lorraine. “Can she come in?”
“For a few minutes. Then she has to wait for you in the waiting room.”
A moment later, Vanessa burst into the tiny room. “Wow, what a place you’ve got here! That cute little nurse—”
“Rachel.”
“Yeah, her. She read me the riot act about how I can only come in for twenty minutes and I’m not supposed to touch you at all and I am supposed to sit way over there in the chair near the wall. They sure are protective of you around here.”
“Why are you here?”
“To keep you company, silly. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being all alone in here.”
“But I’m radioactive,” I slurred. “They’re going to kick you out.”
“That’s okay. I’ll wait outside until you’re done,” she replied.
“You’ll wait? It could take hours. Don’t you have to be at work?”
“I have my laptop and cell phone. Hey, don’t roll your eyes at me. I am not leaving you alone here.”
Vanessa pulled the folding metal chair over to where I could see her. She had covered her wild hair with a scarf and was wearing a black tracksuit. She looked like a tabloid reporter trying to cover a mosque shooting.
“So how’s Sebastian? Did you two have fun at the movies Sunday?”
I was not about to discuss my date with Sebastian with Vanessa. I didn’t understand the way I felt when I was with him well enough to explain being both happy and terrified at the same time. “You are the nosiest person ever.”
“Don’t I know it,” Vanessa chuckled.
My eyes felt hot and my throat felt dry. “Thank you, Vanessa.”
Vanessa leaned against the wall and bubbled on about Barkis and how cute he was when she let herself into my condo and took him for his morning walk before she came to the hospital, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I stared up at the ceiling and just let the happy noises wash over me.
Eventually Taye’s voice came over the intercom telling Vanessa she would have to step out during the next section of the treatment that was about to begin. With dewy eyes, Vanessa said, “Okay honey, I’ll be right outside. I’ll see you later, and we’ll get a pizza or something.” Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Vanessa.
I was unclear of how much time was passing as I floated in and out of wakefulness. Occasionally, faint snippets of classical music came through the microphone when Taye talked to the patient in the other treatment room. I recognized Chopin’s Nocturnes at one point and floated away into a memory of sitting in the university music department’s antiquated listening lab. The smell of late summer roses outside the tall windows of the oak-lined room mingled with the smell of dust covered LP’s and old leather furniture replaced the smell of hospital disinfectant. Dr. Talbot, the music librarian, had been kind to me and allowed me to study at the wide wooden library tables far longer than the posted one hour limit. I wonder what ever happened to Dr. Talbot? Could he still be working at the library? I drifted off again to the sound of Taye and Nurse Rachel chatting softly in the control room. I felt safe knowing they were there watching over me.
***
Some time later, Nurse Rachel propped open the door and pushed a wheelchair in. I turned my head to see Jane’s face at eye level. She had a gray pallor under her baseball cap. Am I dreaming? “Jane? What are you doing here?” I mumbled. I was awake enough to be concerned for Jane. “Don’t get too close.”
“I know. They warned me. I can only stay a few minutes. You’d think with all the stuff they’ve done to me, what’s a little more radiation?” She looked tired.
“But how—”
“That Vanessa woman called me a few hours ago.” Jane rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. “She really doesn’t take no for an answer, does she?”
“Sorry about that.”
Nurse Rachel’s voice came over the speaker saying, “Don’t move, Lara!” Jane looked up and waved to Rachel in the control room.
“Big sister is watching.” Jane held her hand in front of her mouth. “This place is like something out of Star Trek. I keep looking for Dr. Bones to come in and wave a little machine over you and make you all better. TV is so much simpler than real life.”
“Yeah.” I took a deep breath and relaxed. “Much simpler.”
“So how long have you been here?” Jane whispered.
“Since 5:00.”
“How much longer?”
“An hour or so maybe?”
“How has it been?”
“Not so bad, really. They’ve got me drugged up pretty well.”
“Will there be any side effects from this treatment?”
“The doctor said I will probably feel really tired for a few days but that’s about it. He made me promise to call if anything funky happens. He’s really nice that way.”
“Yeah, everyone has been very decent to me, too.” Jane stepped closer. “Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m sure Vanessa will have planned for every possible eventuality.”
“That girl is a trip.” I appreciated the way Jane was acting like we were just two friends chatting over coffee instead of being in a lead lined room with my feet in the air.
“I should go. I’m going to try to see Sanjay about upping my pain medication while I’m here.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Happy to do it. This will be the highlight of my day. Why don’t we get together next week? I’ll call you.”
Jane leaned in so our faces were inches from each other. She looked up suspiciously at the observation window before whispering, “One more thing. I was reading more of that Buddhism stuff and I got to thinking about all that has been going on with you lately. I am still not convinced that this cancer has any larger significance, but you seem to need it to mean something.”
I turned my head to the side and whispered back, “It has to mean something. I can’t believe that this has all just been random.” The alarm went off again signaling that my heart rate was elevated again. Taye’s voice echoed through the room saying that Jane would have to leave now.
“Okay, okay!” Jane shouted. I saw Taye flinch and touch her ear through the window. Jane coughed into a tissue. Her chest made a gurgling sound like a slow drain. “Sweetie, what if instead of seeing it as you being punished, you imagine something else? What if you decide what all this means?”
“What do you mean? Me decide?”
“I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. The more I read, the more questions I have myself. But I do keep coming back to one thing. I refuse to accept that you, or I, did anything to deserve any of this. I simply cannot accept that—I won’t.” She leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead before her visiting nurse came in and wheeled her away.
After Jane left, Taye and Rachel returned to begin the final section of the treatment. Before they left me alone again, Rachel draped fresh warm blankets over my body and injected another small vial of sedative in my IV. I let my mind relax into its soft embrace.
Could it be that simple? Can I decide what this last year has meant?
I floated on a cloud of sedation into my dream world. I returned to the tunnel from earlier. Instead of being afraid, I looped the chain attached to Mama’s foot around the crone’s neck and pulled. The crone crashed to the ground and shattered into a million tiny shards. I jumped off the table, stepped out of my chains, and into the sunshine.
The dream changed. I saw the probe deep inside me and wondered what it could mean. It morphed from a metal probe into a searchlight scouring my darkest folds and recesses. It searched back and forth until it reached a dusky fold in the healthy pink surface. A glossy green bug with Dale’s face clambered out and scuttled away. The light let him go. It stopped over the hole. A flash of light blinded me. When I could see again, there was nothing but a rosy patch where the hole had been. The light shimmered in delight and moved on.
My eyes popped open. That’s it! The radiation is burning Dale, and Mama for that matter, out of my body. If I can see the cancer as a symbol of what they did to me, then I can see the radiation as burning all the traces of them out of me forever. I lay on the table for the next hour feeling filled with light. Instead of being burned, I chose to see it as my wounds being cauterized, healed by the fire.