Ellery Cancer Center protruded from the hospital’s facade like a glass tumor. The night before, a Kafkaesque voicemail told me to report to the reception lobby by 7:00 for my 9:00 appointment. I left the house at 6:00 sharp even though the hospital was twenty minutes away. An appointment with some strange specialist wasn’t going to make me deviate from my routine.
My footsteps echoing through the brightly tiled lobby accented the nervous murmuring of the people waiting in line as I strode past them to the reception desk. The receptionist didn’t even look up when I said, “Blaine. Lara Blaine. I have a 9:00 with Dr. Lander.” She robotically found my file in the tall stack to her left, handed me the itinerary clipped to the front, and moved my file to the short stack to her right. My itinerary said to report to the red waiting room by 8:00.
I stood to the side of the room and watched people until I understood that the lines of multicolored tiles in the lobby’s floor were not decorative. They were paths to the color-coded areas of the Cancer Center. I followed the line of red tiles from the reception desk to the red waiting room. A clot of people sat on crimson and burgundy couches clutching their itineraries. I sat just inside the doorway and watched as people disappeared one by one through the slick red doors at the far end of the room. No one came back. An hour later, it was my turn. On the other side of the red doors, an old man with hairy knuckles checked my name against his orders then jabbed a needle in my arm. We didn’t say a word to each other. I liked that.
The next stop on my itinerary was the green waiting room. A line of green tiles in the floor led me back to the lobby and up two flights of stairs to another room with worry worn carpeting and faded couches sagging under the weight of their occupants’ despair, but all in green. I’d roamed the Ellery Cancer Center for nearly an hour and had yet to speak to a soul. I slipped into the crowded room, commandeered the pea green love seat in the corner, and opened my dog-eared copy of Great Expectations. I held the tattered pages in front of my face, yet couldn’t read. I watched the elderly couple across from me over the top of the book.
I don’t belong here. I’m not like these people. I’m young. I crossed one leg over the other and clenched my thighs together. There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just a false positive. I’m fine.
The elderly man’s hand shook as he lifted a cup of tea to his wife’s lips. The limp paper label dangling over the edge of the foam cup taunted me. I should have been researching the effect of the recent earthquake in Northern China on the green tea crop for my boss’s presentation the following week, not sitting in that waiting room. This is such a waste of time. So what if I have weird periods? Doesn’t everyone?
I turned away from the old people and focused on the normal looking woman in a black suit slowly making her way down the corridor. I assumed she was a doctor or pharmaceutical salesperson until she stopped in the doorway to hack into a tissue. She saw me looking at her and lurched over. “May I sit with you?” I expected the woman’s voice to be as smooth as her grey silk blouse, but it sounded as scratchy as wool against bare skin. I moved my battered leather backpack to let her sit down.
“Jane Babcock-Roberts.”
“Lara Blaine,” I replied with a curt nod.
“I think you sprinted past me on the stairwell earlier,” Jane sighed. “I used to be able to run up stairs like that.”
“I’m good at stairs. I climb the Eiffel Tower every Tuesday.”
Jane dabbed perspiration from her upper lip with a clean tissue and tucked it in her sleeve. “I climbed the Eiffel Tower once. What a view, huh?”
“I haven’t actually been to Paris,” I replied. “It’s a setting on the stair stepper at my gym.”
“That doesn’t sound nearly as fun.” Jane flipped her long silver-blonde hair over her shoulder. “And there wouldn’t be any croissants when you finished.”
A couple entered the room and perched on the edge of the moss colored couch next to us. The stench of fear wafted off them. The wife stared at a stain in the carpet while the husband repeatedly flipped through the pamphlets in his hand as if they would miraculously reveal some new information that wasn’t there a moment before. Jane shifted her weight to turn away from the couple and face me. “How well do you know these doctors?” she whispered.
“I’ve never been here before. I’m just here to get some test results.” I recrossed my legs and tapped the toe of my scuffed black flat against the side table. “I’m sure it’s nothing though. The first doctor I saw is making me see this specialist just to cover her ass.”
“I’m here for test results, too. Although, I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong. Busy medical practices don’t give you a next-day appointment when there’s nothing wrong.”
I bounced my novel on my knee. The first doctor had scheduled that day’s appointment for three days after I saw her. I didn’t think it meant anything; I thought they were efficient. “Maybe they had a cancellation.”
“Maybe.” Jane absently twisted a scratched men’s watch around her thin wrist three times.
A brawny orderly appeared with a wheelchair to collect the elderly couple. Jane and I watched the old man carry his wife’s pocketbook over his arm as he followed her through the sliding green doors. Jane cleared her throat. “What are you reading there?”
“Great Expectations.” I stopped bouncing and tapping. “I read a Dickens every summer. Nicholas Nickleby is my favorite. This one is good, but the girl really annoys me. I like Magwitch, but—” I was cut off when an aide called Jane’s name. She smiled a quick goodbye as she got up then disappeared through the green doors.
Maybe I should just leave. Which color tiles leads the way out of here? If I walk out now, will they come looking for me? I turned toward the wall and reopened my book. My book friends would protect me from the room full of bewildered people clutching their itineraries like shields against bad news.
***
Nearly an hour later, a nurse in tired pink scrubs called my name and ushered me into a small room for a health interrogation. The first six pages of questions about my sleeping and eating habits didn’t faze me. When the nurse flipped to the seventh page and asked, “When were you first sexually active?” I panicked. Shit, what did I tell that other nurse the other day? Certainly not the truth. I bet she’s got my answers on that clipboard and is trying to catch me in a lie.
“I was twenty-one, so eight years ago?” The nurse did not look up from her clipboard. That must have been the right answer.
“Number of sexual partners in the last five years?”
“Zero.” That one was easy.
“And before that?”
My mouth went dry. My abdomen clenched as the old sense of terror slithered up my spine. None of your God damn business! I slid forward on the cold metal chair.
“Just two. And, we always used protection so I’ve never had any STD’s.” All lies. I leaned forward, ready to bolt if necessary. The nurse flipped the page and moved on to questions regarding drug use. I could relax. The metal chair felt cool against my sweaty back when I slid back again.
Once she was finished with me, the nurse shoved a paper gown in my hands, and demanded I strip from the waist down. I didn’t want to, but it was easier to let them poke and prod my body than talk about my past. I quickly pulled off my chinos and folded my panties inside them. I didn’t realize how much I was sweating until the cold air in the Pepto-Bismol pink room hit the backs of my bare legs.
A light knock on the door startled me. I swung around to face the door as an efficient blond strode in and thrust her hand toward me. “Lauren Blaine?”
I ignored the gesture. “It’s Lara.”
The doctor walked around me and dropped my file on the desk. “I’m Karen Lander.” The nurse came in and closed the door. “This is Stephanie. I believe you were referred to us by Dr. Bonnerheim?” Dr. Lander meticulously washed her hands and pulled on a pair of blue latex gloves. She stepped around me again as if I was an ill placed piece of furniture. “I see you’ve had a number of abnormal Pap smears. And Bonnerheim did a colposcopy?”
“I don’t mean to be any trouble.” I held the thin paper gown together behind my back while Dr. Lander opened a drawer lined with glistening instruments. “Dr. Bonnerheim is just being overly cautious.”
“That’s a good thing.” Dr. Lander said over her shoulder. “She caught it in the early stages.”
“What?” The walls felt like they were caving in. “What do you mean, caught it?” I swallowed hard.
“The colposcopy found cancerous cells.” The doctor pulled a gooseneck lamp to the foot of the examination table. “Didn’t Bonnerheim tell you that she saw abnormal cells?”
I searched my memory. I remembered the gynecologist saying that I had failed a test and that I had to go see a specialist, but I didn’t remember her actually saying the word cancer. I would have remembered the word cancer. Cancer had stolen my grandparents.
Dr. Lander pulled the stirrups out with enough force to move the examination table several inches. “Why don’t we take a look?” I considered running, but the nurse was leaning on the door. I was naked. My clothes were out of reach. I was trapped. I had to submit.
I pulled myself up on the exam table and lay back. By the time my head hit the surface, my mind had disengaged from my body. I didn’t feel the thin paper gown slipping down my thighs or the nurse positioning my feet in the stirrups. I had escaped with my book friends. While Dr. Lander dictated copious notes into a handheld recorder, I wandered through Narnia eating Turkish delight with Edmund Pevensie and the White Witch.
***
An astringent smell filled my nostrils as cool fingers grasped my shoulder. I blinked a few times. The nurse helped me to sit up. The light seemed harsher, the walls pinker. Dr. Lander sat at a small desk with her back to me. “We should schedule you for a LEEP procedure right away. My exam verifies Dr. Bonnerheim’s diagnosis. It is cancer. We had hoped it was pre-cancerous, but I’m afraid not. I’ll send off some tissue samples to pathology to tell us if the cancer has spread beyond the cervix itself, but…” I didn’t hear anything beyond “cancer” and “cervix” before my mind shut down again.
By the time the nurse shook me out of my stupor again Dr. Lander was long gone. “Miss Blaine? I’m afraid we need to clear the room now.”
“Okay, I’ll go now.” I massaged my aching jaw. I didn’t remember clenching my teeth.
The nurse dropped a thick folder on the empty pink plastic chair. “Here is a hard copy of the information the doctor went over. You might want to read that at home.” She placed an orange form beside my backpack. “Take this to the orange check-out desk on your way out. They’ll give you a blue sheet with the appointment information for your procedure.” Information? Procedure? What the hell is she talking about? The nurse glanced up at the wall clock. “Can I call someone for you? Your husband? A friend?”
“No. I’m better off alone.”
Once the nurse was gone, I snatched a handful of tissues from the box on the desk and wiped the remaining lubricating jelly off my thighs. My skin still felt sticky. I ran the water in the tiny sink until it scalded my fingers, then scrubbed my body with a wad of brown paper towels.
Cervical cancer? But it was just a false positive.
A line of orange tiles led me out of the maze of examination rooms to an exit lobby. Gripping the instructions for my next appointment, I stumbled toward the banks of elevators, nearly walking into Jane. “Oh, wow… excuse me.”
“That’s okay. I’m okay,” Jane replied. She brushed a long silver hair off her face with a trembling finger. “Where are you off to in such a rush?”
“Work. I left a note on my monitor saying I’d be in by noon.”
Jane glanced down at her scratched watch. “It’s half past one. It’s already too late.” Jane sniffled loudly and turned away. She wiped a tear away with a French manicured fingernail before she stabbed the elevator button. The doors slid open and, stunned, we both entered. “How was your appointment?”
“Awful. I have cancer.”
“Me too,” Jane snorted. “The nice young doctor actually apologized when he told me.”
“My doctor’s a spiky haired bitch.” As we slowly descended, laughter rose in my chest like bubbles in a simmering pot. The heat inside me rose with every floor the elevator fell.
I have cancer.
By the time the doors opened on to the first floor, my tittering progressed into uncontrolled howls until my chest and belly burned. The doors began to close again, but I couldn’t move. I just stood there in the elevator hugging my backpack to my chest. Jane clumsily shoved her shoulder against the door. “Are you all right? You’re frightening me.” She stepped back inside and lightly tugged on my shoulder. “I can’t just leave you here in hysterics. Would you like to get a cup of coffee or something?”
“I need to get back to work.” I tried to catch my breath.
“You can’t go to the office looking like that. What would your colleagues think?”
“I can’t?” I looked down at my rumpled white blouse and wrinkled chinos. I ran my fingers through my disheveled hair and twisted it behind my head. “I can’t go back looking like this. They’ll know.”
“Come on. I’ll buy you a coffee.”
I stepped out of the elevator. “Okay, but not the cafeteria. I saw a Starbucks off of the lobby earlier.”
“I’m surprised you can remember anything in your state,” Jane said.
“I have exemplary retention skills,” I muttered as I followed her across the crowded reception lobby.
In Starbucks, I ordered a sweet frozen concoction topped with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Jane ordered a small black coffee. Jane handed the young man a ten-dollar bill and carelessly threw the change in the tip jar. We found a table near the window and passed several awkward moments silently sipping our drinks. Jane watched a woman step outside and stagger back from the wall of heat and humidity. “August in North Carolina. It’ll get you every time,” she said. Other than the gravel voice, Jane appeared fine. She looked like a successful businesswoman in her sixties at the top of her game. She didn’t look like a person with cancer.
“What kind of cancer do you have?” I asked.
Jane dabbed her lips with a paper napkin. “Lung. You?”
“Cervical.”
“Oh.” Jane ran her finger around the rim of her cup. “I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about that kind.”
“Me either,” I replied. A blast of frigid air blew up my pant leg as the air conditioning kicked on. “I guess I’ll learn though. They gave me a packet to read.”
“Me too,” Jane sighed. She pulled a bulging folder from her bag and ran her long fingers over the large watercolor picture of a sun on the cover of the packet. “This thing looks like the prospectus for a preschool, not a ‘so you have a potentially fatal disease’ packet. I should really sit down and study this information. Probably won’t. Anyway, I still need to have more tests before they can even come up with a plan.”
“Me too.” I moved to the chair further away from the air conditioning vent and closer to Jane.
Jane tapped two fingernails against her lips. “I want a cigarette so bad. I finally quit just last year and then, look what happened. I got cancer.” Jane’s breath hitched and she began to cough. Droplets of bloody sputum speckled the tissue she held in front of her mouth. “Oh my God, I have lung cancer! This cough is cancer! What am I going to tell my mother? You know she’s going to say this is my fault.”
Mama would certainly find a way to make this my fault, if she knew.
“She always said my smoking was a filthy habit. If she hadn’t been such a shrew about it, I probably would have quit when I was teenager.” Jane twisted her watch again. “I wish my dad were still alive.”
We both turned to stare at the bright sunshine playing off the fountain in the courtyard. A little boy ran around trying to catch the rainbows formed by the mist. “I should call my son, Tom.” Jane popped the top off her cup and drained it. “Or, maybe I should wait until after I get more specific results.”
“That might be best. Don’t tell anyone until you’re sure.”
We both stared out the window for a few more moments until Jane asked, “When?”
“What?”
“When are your tests?”
I checked the blue appointment sheet sticking out of my backpack. “Thursday.”
“I’m Friday,” Jane replied. “Too bad. It would have been nice to see a friendly face.”
The cell phone on Jane’s hip rang. “Jane Babcock-Roberts,” she whispered into the mouthpiece. “No Candace, we will not pay that invoice until they deliver the product—all the product.” She spoke with authority. “We sent a purchase order for six pallets of stone and only received four. When we receive the remaining two, then I will pay… make sure they come from the same lot of stone… No, I can’t call them… Tell them I’m in a meeting. Off-site.” Jane tucked her phone back in its holder. “I’m sorry. That was rude of me. How are you feeling now? Better?”
“Is it a problem for you to be away from the office?”
“Yes and no, I’ve lost some time on several projects but it’ll be fine.” Jane flipped the plastic coffee cup lid absently in her hand. “I’m more concerned about how today will affect the company long-term.”
“What kind of company is it?”
“We build custom homes.” Jane’s hand went to her wrist again. “I took over after my father’s death.”
“At least you won’t get fired. My boss will fire me if she finds out I’m sick.” I stirred my drink trying to come up with a good excuse for where I’d been all morning.
“It’s not as easy as you might think to fire someone for something like this. There are employment regulations,” Jane said. “What kind of cancer did you say you had again?”
“Cervical.”
“Did you know something was wrong?”
“I collapsed at the gym one night, so they made me go to the hospital in an ambulance. The ER doctors wouldn’t let me leave until I saw a gynecologist.” I didn’t tell Jane that the nurses kept asking me questions I didn’t want to answer. “How ‘bout you, did you know you were sick?”
“Oh yeah.” Jane rolled the wrapper from my straw into a snail. “I’ve had this nasty cough for a while. I just kept putting off having it looked at. I thought I was prepared to hear bad news, but I guess you’re never fully prepared for news like this.” Jane dabbed at her lips again before smearing on a coat of merlot lipstick. “I’m sorry. I can’t remember the last time I was so emotional. Probably when my son went off to school. Do you have kids?”
“No children. No husband; just me.”
Jane pulled her bag onto her shoulder. “Do you have family in the area?”
“No. My mother lives up north. We’re not close,” I said.
“Believe me, I understand about difficult mothers.” Jane made a show of looking at her cell phone and stood up. “Well, if you’re feeling better, I really should be getting back. I need to salvage at least part of this day.”