Losing my gym membership left a hole in my routine that sucked at my sanity. I couldn’t sleep; the nightmares started as soon as I closed my eyes. I couldn’t eat; everything I put in my mouth tasted bitter. My muscles twitched to run yet felt heavy on my bones. Work was my only relief.
A week after the unfortunate incident with the letch at Silver Star Fitness, I was tapping away at my keyboard when my screen froze. A message popped up alerting me that my laptop had lost its connection with the secure server. “What happened?” I yelped. I craned my neck to look over the top of the cubicles. The eighth floor was dark. Everyone else had gone home. The only puddle of light came from the articulated chrome lamp on Letitia’s desk. Her normally flawless high ponytail had slipped behind her left ear, her starched shirt was a mass of wrinkles, and a pair of heavy black glasses were perched on her slender nose as she frantically banged on her keyboard. Piles of spreadsheets were strewn across her office floor. I couldn’t remember the last time I had seen her using hard copies of anything.
I sprinted down the passageway and stormed into her office. “What’s going on? Why can’t I get on the server?”
“It should be back up in a few hours. They shut the servers down for maintenance,” Letitia sighed. She rubbed the back of her neck and took a sip from the Starbucks cup in front of her. Black coffee, not a good sign. “Wait a minute—why are you still here? It’s eight!”
I moved a tower of pizza boxes off the chair in front of her desk and sat down. I suddenly felt woozy. I hadn’t had anything to eat or drink all day. Letitia tossed her coffee cup into the trash and licked her lips. “Actually, since you’re here. I need to talk to you. A little birdie told me you asked about the crude oil tanker exchanges. What are you working on? Did Robertson down on five ask you to do something for his department?”
“No, but I would be happy to help out Robertson’s team if they want me.”
“No, I don’t want Robertson poaching my best worker bee.” Letitia twirled a freshly sharpened pencil between her red talons and looked at me through narrowed eyes. “Are you all right? You’re blinking an awful lot. And, you look like you’re about to explode out of that chair. How do you have so much energy? You were here late last night, too.”
“I was just finishing up some research.”
“Whatever.” Letitia rubbed the bridge of her nose under her glasses. “I got a call this morning from the cleaning crew supervisor. She said you were here until after midnight harassing their people?”
“I merely pointed out that they should vacuum everywhere, not just the main walkways. If they can’t do an adequate job I am more than willing to use their vacuums to—“
“Yeah, okay.” Letitia rolled her eyes and stretched her long legs under her desk. “Just don’t talk to the cleaning people, okay? And you shouldn’t be in the building after six. Work from home if you need to.”
Going home was not an option; that was where the nightmares were. I looked around at the stacks of paper. My latest report was on top of the stack next to my feet. “You’re never here late either. Why are you here after hours looking at my reports?”
“Don’t be so paranoid, Lara.” Letitia waved at the stacks of paper. “I’m looking at everyone’s files. Year-end is coming up and the numbers aren’t reconciling. Peter and I have been at this all day. I even had the IT group up here at lunch helping. Didn’t you notice the three guys sitting in here all afternoon?”
“But—”
“Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You look a little green.”
I got up to leave. “I’m fine. Absolutely fine. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Why don’t you go home and get some rest. The servers will be back up by morning. Unless,” Letitia laughed under her breath, “you want to stick around and figure this out for me?”
“No. I’ll leave you to it.” I backed out of the door and went back to my desk to gather my things. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Letitia when she discovered that Garlic Breath had fudged the numbers on his pork belly forecast. I had overheard him telling Pathetic Dog Owner about it at lunch a few days before.
***
I swung by Lucky Lee’s and picked up my food even though it was already cold. Susan asked me if she should start preparing my order for a later pick-up. I didn’t know what to say. My schedule had been ripped apart, just like my cervix. When I got home, I threw the bag of food in the trash and ate a spoonful of peanut butter in front of the television. I couldn’t be bothered to reheat the Moo Goo Gai Pan.
As much as I resisted, I eventually succumbed to sleep. The nightmares were worse than ever. This time, a giant spider with red pincers and bright red lipstick around its sharp mandibles chased me through the darkened office hallways. The fire exit was yards away when a computer keyboard jumped up and bit my leg. A computer mouse scampered over the keyboard and hogtied me with its cord.
The next thing I knew, the dream changed. I lay splayed out on an icy examination table. Instead of metal stirrups, human hands emerged from the sides of the slab to hold me down. At first, a bright white light blocked out any sensation except a faint heartbeat within the fingers grasping my arms and legs. The light dimmed to reveal grotesque man-beasts, covered with stubble and reeking of whiskey, surrounding me. They each held a glowing electrode. Suddenly, a woman with enormous purple eyes that wept tears of blood appeared beside my head. The woman’s eyes grew until they were larger than her face itself. The room slowly flooded with her bloody tears. When the tears licked at my skin, she raised her long speculum fingers above my body and snapped them together. In unison, the man-beasts stabbed me with their burning electrodes. Wherever they penetrated my body, purple goo ran out in hot rivulets that swirled into the bloody tears. The nightmare went on and on for hours, yet I didn’t die.
I reeled awake, shaken and breathless, to the sound of my cell phone ringing next to my head. It switched over to voicemail and I heard Letitia’s voice blast through my apartment. “It’s 10:00, Blaine. Where the hell are you? You missed the staff meeting. I even had to aggregate the department’s reports myself.” My arms and legs felt like they were filled with sand. There was no way I could go into the office. For the first time ever, I rolled over and blew off work.
***
Hours later, I rolled off the couch determined to find a new place to work out. I couldn’t go through another night of nightmares. My body needed sleep. The three private gyms within a few minutes of my condo were all filled with a bunch of Chatty Cathies who asked way too many questions and had moldy locker rooms. I ended up at the Y. It was the only place with clean showers that had the German equipment I liked. I’d missed climbing the Eiffel Tower every Tuesday. When I saw the Schlein TdF99 stationary bike tucked in the corner of the busy cardio room next to a Schlein TE1889 stair stepper, I bought a membership. I was excited to use the stationary bike, until I saw the note attached to the handlebars saying to see Liam before trying to use it. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, especially not someone named Liam. I considered just using a treadmill, but couldn’t resist the lure of the Tour de France course programmed into the machine. I went looking for a muscle bound leprechaun.
Liam ended up being the goofy redhead with spindly arms and legs at the front desk. When I asked him about the stationary bike, he said, “You want to use the Schlein TdF99? Really? It’s a complicated machine.”
“I’m a smart girl. I can handle it,” I snarled. An urge to punch the guy in the face made me take a step back. I couldn’t do that again. “I’ve used the TE1889 stair stepper by the same manufacturer,” I said demurely.
Liam jumped over the low counter and started walking toward the cardio room. “Do you like to climb the pyramids or the Eiffel Tower?”
“The Eiffel Tower. The pyramids are too easy,” I replied and hurried after him. “So can I use the machine?”
“Oh sure,” Liam said. “We just keep it locked. A week after the machine was donated, some bozo pushed all the buttons at once and jammed it all up. I’ll run you through the operating instructions and give you a code. This way we know who uses the machine in case anything goes wrong.”
“Very prudent,” I replied. “I’m all for security measures.”
“Well, jump on,” Liam said. “Let’s get this thing adjusted.” The Schlein TdF99 could be customized to each user, so Liam programmed in the proper settings for my leg length and arm length. I appreciated having proper body mechanics while exercising, but it unnerved me to have this kid putting his hands so close to my thighs while he adjusted the controls. I held on tight to the handlebars to keep from reacting to his close proximity and regretted wearing spandex bike shorts under my oversized T-shirt instead of baggy sweatpants.
“Did you know that this is made by a German company?” I asked. “The Germans are a very efficient people. It makes sense that they would design exercise equipment that allows you to climb a specific hill rather than just climbing to nowhere.”
“What does that say about our American machines?” Liam chuckled. “Are we all fat, dumb, and happy to be going nowhere fast?”
“Americans prefer recumbent exercise bikes to upright models because they are easier for obese people to ride.”
“Hey,” Liam said, swatting my arm. “Don’t knock the obese. Some of my best clients are obese.”
I resisted swatting him back. It’s okay, it’s okay. He’s just being friendly. He didn’t mean anything by touching you.
“What is the Tour de France setting all about?” I blurted out.
“You can do the course Lance Armstrong rode in 1999. That’s why we have the machine. The guy who donated it didn’t want it anymore after the doping scandal.”
“Show me how it works so I can climb the Pyrenees next time.”
Liam shot me a look that could have been leering or could have been envious. “Well, all right then. Let’s go.”