“I just came by to…” Halloway seemed to search for something to say, and Cait felt the young man’s painful embarrassment.
“To get more poultices for his back,” she said a bit frantically.
Iain looked Halloway up and down with that inscrutable expression. “You’re a wee bit young to be in such bad shape,” he said.
Cait threw him a narrow-eyed glare and turned her back on Iain to speak to Halloway. “Come with me and I’ll get you another poultice.”
Halloway followed her to the front of the cottage. “I apologize for Campbell’s behavior,” she said. “That was uncalled for.”
Halloway shrugged, but his face was still red. “I’m accustomed to the derision of the Scots.”
“I’m a Scot, Francis.”
His brows dipped in confusion. “But you’re not like them. You accept us into your home and you heal us,” he said.
Oh, dear. “I heal people because that’s my calling. For a healer it does no’ matter if ye’re English or Scots, but that doesn’t discount that I was born a Scot and am proud to be a Scot.”
“But…” He seemed at a loss for words, confused. “I thought…”
“Ye thought that I was Scottish but no’ really Scottish?”
“I…I don’t know. You’re so different…”
“I’m no’ different, Sergeant. I’m the same as the other Scottish women. Ye just choose to see it differently.” She touched the sleeve of his red coat. “Sergeant, I can’t wed ye. I can’t move to England with ye, because my home is here.”
His expression hardened. “With him?” he spat out, lifting his chin toward the back of the house where they’d left Iain.
“I don’t know what will happen between Iain and me, but I’m needed here in Scotland.”
His jaw worked as his gaze moved over her face. “I’ve heard what the officers are saying. Scotland will be destroyed. Rumors have it that the clans will be abolished.”
She recoiled at the thought. Clans abolished? She couldn’t imagine such a thing. The clan system was everything to the Scots. It was their way of life, their judicial system. Their family.
“Then Scotland needs me even more than I thought,” she said.
“I can provide for you in England.”
She squeezed his arm in sympathy. “I wouldn’t be happy in England. And I don’t think yer family would be happy with ye bringing home a Scottish lass.”
“They would love you.”
She smiled sadly. Oh, to be young and full of ideals and so passionate that you thought everyone would believe what you believed just because you said so. “There is a lass in England waiting for ye to find her, and when ye do, ye’ll forget all about me.”
“No.” Though he shook his head, she saw the doubt in his eyes.
“Aye. Ye’re a good lad, Francis Halloway.” She patted his arm. “Now let me get that poultice.”
It took her no time to grab the poultice. He was standing in the same spot she’d left him, and Iain was nowhere in sight.
“I did come to warn you about Palmer,” Halloway said. “When he questioned me about you, I told him you were sympathetic to England.”
“I appreciate that ye defended me. I’m a healer. I save lives. I don’t take them. I think Palmer will see that.” She sounded more hopeful than she felt; Palmer frightened her.
“I’ll uh…I’ll be off now.” He hesitated. “Can I come around again?”
“Of course. Ye’re no’ banned from the cottage. Let me know when ye need another poultice.”
He nodded, seeming to want to say more, but turned to his horse, mounted, and rode away.
Cait watched him go, her heart heavy. She truly believed that he would find the right English lass to spend the rest of his life with, but that didn’t mean she liked hurting him. Silently, she wished him well and asked God to keep him safe.
Iain stepped in front of her, his face a mask of fury. “What game are you playing?”
“The same game ye’re playing,” she said wearily.
“It’s a dangerous game.”
“I’m in no more danger than ye are. Less, probably.”
“How do you figure less? Halloway asked you to marry him.”
“Aye.”
“And you encouraged it?”
She sighed and turned to go back in the house, then remembered she had a house full of wanted Scotsmen and she didn’t want them to hear this conversation, so she once again headed toward the bench. “Of course I didn’t encourage him. Do ye think I’m a big numpty? That I have no feelings for the poor lad? But I did entertain the thought. Being connected to an English soldier would buy me protection.”
Iain ran a hand through his hair, dislodging a bit of straw that fluttered to the ground. “I can’t believe you just said that. I can’t believe you’d even think such a thing.”
“I have to survive.”
“You have me.” His hands curled into fists at his sides. “But for some reason you don’t trust me to take care of you.” He huffed out a laugh and looked past her shoulders.
“Take care of me?” she exploded, having had enough of all of this. Anger and a host of other emotions rushed through her, stealing her good sense. The words came tumbling out, faster than she could say them. “How can ye take care of me when ye couldn’t even take care of the man riding next to ye who…” She breathed out a sob that physically hurt. “Who would have…”
He looked at her with dark eyes filled with pain. His silence was more brutal than any words he could have spoken in his own defense. “Go ahead,” he finally said. “Say it all. Everything you’ve always wanted to say to me.”
To her shock, she balled up her fist and hit him square in the chest. She’d never hit anyone, but it felt good and Iain didn’t even flinch. “He would have done anything for ye. He loved ye like a brother, and he…he…lost his life because of ye.” Tears were running unchecked down her face, but she didn’t brush them away. Iain stood there, his jaw clenched as her words rained down on him like blows.
Eventually, the anger drained out of her and she was left with the throbbing grief that she had lived with daily for the past four years.
“He died…” She drew in a shuddering breath. “He died doing what he did best. Protecting ye. He wouldn’t have had it any other way.” She looked at him through a haze of tears. “I think…I think I’m more angry at him for dying exactly the way he wanted to die, protecting ye. And leaving me behind.”
“Ah, Cait.” Iain just stared at her as if he didn’t know what to do or say.
She wiped at her tears and breathed deep. Something had loosened inside of her and floated away. She’d been hanging on to that anger for a long time, and she just now realized that she was mad at John, not Iain.
“So.” She laughed a bit shakily. “I apologize for breaking down on ye. I had no’ expected to do that.”
He lightly touched her arm, his look so serious. “I know I’ve told you before, but his last words and his last thoughts were of you.”
She nodded. It helped, in a way, but it didn’t fill the hole that his death had left behind. “Thank ye for being there for him. At the end.”
“I would have changed places with him in an instant.”
She tilted her head to look at him. “I believe ye would have. But then what would have happened to us Campbells without a leader?”
A corner of his lips lifted in a slight smile. “I have a feeling you all would have survived.”
“I have a feeling that Scotland would have been severely hurt if ye had died instead of John. I have a feeling that ye work a lot harder behind people’s backs than anyone realizes.”
“I don’t do any more than you or Sutherland or MacLean or anyone else who loves Scotland.”
“Ye’re a liar, Iain Campbell. I think redeeming the Campbell name is what drives ye. I just wish more people knew what ye are doing.”
He looked away, clearly embarrassed, and cleared his throat. “We will never know who killed John. It’s one of my greatest regrets.”
“Knowing won’t bring him back. Revenge never helped anyone.”
“I would avenge his death.”
“He wouldn’t want that, and ye know it. It’s time to let it be.”
“I’m scared for you, Cait. I promised John I would protect you, and while I’ve done a damn horrible job of it, this is more than a promise to a good friend. I’m truly frightened for you.”
She smiled despite the seriousness of the discussion. “I like that ye’re worried about me, but truly, there’s nothing to worry about. I know what I’m doing. Halloway is just a lad, barely a man, and I think he’s homesick and a little lost out here in the wilds. Someday he’ll thank me for turning him away.”
“You think of him as a boy, but he has the power of the English army behind him, and that is dangerous.” He took her hand between his. “I’m asking you to please stop all of this. Please, Cait.” His voice broke and her heart went out to him.
“Iain,” she said on a sigh. “I canno’ discuss this anymore.”
“I don’t want to discuss this anymore, either. Just do what I say, and there will be no more discussion.”
She pulled her hands away, disappointed that he refused to understand how much she needed to be needed and to help her people. “What I am doing is no different than what ye are doing, and I’m sorry ye can’t understand that.”
He ran a hand down his face. “I’m botching this terribly.”
“Iain, ye can’t command me like ye command everyone else.” She took a deep breath. “I think we need some distance from each other. What happened in the barn…We both wanted it, and it was very obviously wonderful, but that doesn’t give ye leave to tell me what to do. Ye’re no’ my husband.”
“Cait—”
She held up her hand to stop him because she had a fairly good idea what he would say, and she didn’t want him to try to convince her lest she capitulate. The truth was, she had feelings for him, powerful feelings that, if she let loose, would control her life, and she’d vowed to never let a love like that back into her life. Love hurt too badly, and she didn’t ever want to go there again.
“Please, Iain.”
Cait watched Iain walk away while a whirlwind of emotions battered her. She wanted to run after him and tell him to come back. At the same time, she knew that letting him walk away was the best thing. He was angry at her, and it had been her experience that arguing with angry men—especially Highland men—was counterproductive.
She’d lived alone and been making her own decisions too long for someone to walk into her life and command her about.
But…
She had feelings for the frustrating man. Feelings she wasn’t prepared for and needed time to think about, and she didn’t have time to think when he was demanding this and commanding that. She turned her back to his retreating form and headed into the cottage, her heart heavy with indecision and regret.
On the other hand, she’d been living alone too long and was hungry for companionship. To sit at night with someone, to talk about mundane things or not talk at all, sounded wonderful. Black Cat was a nice companion but not much of a conversationalist.
But…
Iain Campbell was not your average man and definitely not an average mate. He commanded one of the biggest clans in the Highlands. He was friends with the English. He entertained English soldiers and played a game far deeper and more dangerous than any game she was playing. To be in a relationship with him would be complicated.
And what if it moved beyond that? What if this thing they had together became more serious?
She would have to leave her cottage and move to the big house, where she would have to help him entertain English soldiers. She wasn’t sure she could do that.
Of course, that was only if whatever this was turned serious, and it would have to be very serious indeed, for her to leave her way of life.
It was a good thing she’d sent him away, for she was so confused that she wasn’t sure which way was up and which down. So she did what she was good at doing. She made enough food to feed an army and fed her special guests, who were very grateful. And when night fell, she waited for Sutherland’s men and fed them, and they were also very grateful.
“Ye never used to come on every run,” she said as she watched Sutherland eat standing up. Always on guard, he was.
“My men are stretched thin. MacLean used to help, but he’s busy rebuilding his clan and his home. I’m short on men and time.” He looked weary and worried. What had started as a way to get a few hunted Jacobites out of Scotland had turned into a never-ending wave of desperate men and women fleeing their country.
“I wish I could do more,” she said.
Sutherland wiped his fingers on his kilt. “Ye’re doing far more than ye need to, and I appreciate it.”
“When will ye be back?” she asked.
“Not for a few days. The ship comes in soon, and I’m going to get as many on it as I can.” Sutherland had two ships that continuously sailed from Scotland to Canada, weighing anchor every two weeks. In the meantime, he moved the people around so they weren’t in one place for too long. It was constant and it was exhausting.
“Have there been any soldiers visiting?” Sutherland asked as the men began shuffling up the steps.
“Captain Palmer came by this morning asking questions about the deaths of the soldiers. Halloway later in the afternoon.”
Sutherland looked at her sharply. “Palmer’s been asking questions?”
“The soldiers were killed nearby. He’s talking to everyone in the area.”
“Ye’re the only one in the area.”
“I know.”
“Be careful, Cait. I don’t like him.”
Neither did she. “I’ll be fine. Halloway supported me.”
Sutherland seemed to think about that before nodding. “I don’t condone killing soldiers without provocation, but I have to admit that two fewer soldiers is a good thing.”
“Do ye know anything about the killings?” she asked.
“Nay.”
She doubted he would tell her if he did, and truthfully, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She was suddenly so very tired of it all but wondered what she would do with her life once it was over. She wasn’t certain she knew how to go back to living a calm existence with no excitement or danger.