Preferred Blur

SH: And Mary Cheney is a good Christian carpet muncher! How many shots of Stoli did it take you to work up the courage to sow your seed in that beast?!

Onlooker #2: Seven, no, nine, shut up!

SH: Her partner was a first round NFL draft pick!

Onlooker #2: You are part of the terroristizer networkers!

SH: Your wife is clinically depressed and uses a vibrator to pleasure herself!

Onlooker #2: You’re about to be justicated!

SH: Zoloft! Zoloft! Your wife is wiped out on Zoloft!

Onlooker #2: Stay the course! I never said that!

SH: Your girlfriend is a negress and your daughters have given their vaginas to many men!

Onlooker #2 is taken by men and put into the back of a limousine that quickly speeds off.

PB: Alright, here we are at the top. Are you ready for your moment of truth?

SH: Do I get a last request? By the way Paul, you look good in the ski mask.

PB: Thanks . . . shut up! No last requests!

SH: How about a hamburger?

PB: No!

SH: A cheeseburger?

PB: You’ll get nothing and like it!

SH: I love that film!

PB: Shut up!

SH: You found your wife in a kennel.

The noose is put around Saddam Hussein’s neck.

Starbucks Barista: Double espresso is up!

SH: Up here! That is my double espresso!

PB: You can drink your double espresso in Hell!

SH: I paid for that double espresso with money that Donald the butcher gave me! I want my espresso!

Trap door opens and Saddam Hussein hangs.

The Man who drove me to the airport was really cool. He was an older, powerfully built and rugged faced man. His voice boomed when he spoke.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?!

America.

THANK YOU! I AM FROM PALESTINE!

It was a good time. He pointed out these ridiculous mansions that people are building there one after the other. He said that it’s people from Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, Israel, and some Europeans. I asked him why and he said that Jordan is a very safe country for life and money. We parted ways at the airport but right before we pulled up to the curb, he gave me a coin he told me was 2000 years old. He told me he buys them from construction people who are digging up the earth and finding tons of artifacts, mainly coins. He buys them and re-sells them to a coin dealer in Kan Zaman for what amounts to a few American dollars each.

THIS MAN, HE SELLS THEM TO AMERICANS FOR 150 AMERICAN DOLLARS EACH! HE IS A FANTASTIC THIEF!

I went to the baggage claim window and asked about my bag. The man had me get a piece of paper stamped by another man that gave me permission to come into the baggage claim area and look through the piles of stranded luggage. I waded through well over 100 pieces of luggage of all descriptions but couldn’t find mine. I had some fun with the man who was dealing with my claim. He knew enough English to see that I was fucking with him a little and I managed to crack him up now and then:

Me: Do you realize all these refugee bags that are strewn like so many carcasses across this filthy floor represent people like myself, unshaven and without clothing? Do you know how many holidays you have ruined with your mishandling of people’s luggage?

Baggage Man: Yes

Me: Do you understand that these pieces of luggage are evidence of how you run your airlines?

Baggage Man: It is a busy season, the Hajj.

Me: The Hajj?! Gets really crazy during Hajj season, does it?! Baggage Man: Yes. (slightly smiling)

Me: Nothing like a Hajj to make the baggage handlers lose the ability to put luggage onto a plane!

Baggage Man: Yes. (now laughing)

Me: Is this (pointing to an open box of vodka bottles by the carousel) compensation you offer to people whose luggage you have lost so they can drink to forget the fact they will probably never see their possessions again?!

Baggage Man: No.

I gave him all my Tel Aviv info and am now at the airport, waiting for the flight.

2320 hrs. Tel Aviv Israel: In the hotel. Interesting thing happened after we landed. The bus pulls up to take us to the airport building. I always get mad when I see that we are not pulling up to a jet way when I see a rows of other planes sitting at them. Anyway, as I am exiting the plane I look through the window, see a van pull up and some men get out. I don’t think anything of it and keep moving towards the door. I walk down the stairs towards the bus, anticipating the crush of people inside, the ride, etc. when I see a man holding a sign with my name on it. I walk up to him and tell him that’s me. I am whisked into the van and taken to a private check in where I am led to a green room with food and drink as I wait for my passport to get dealt with. This time around, I just got the piece of paper with the stamp on it so I don’t have an Israel stamp in the passport which can make getting into some countries difficult and sometimes impossible. Had the Israeli stamp been in my passport at the Tehran airport, there’s a good chance I might not have been allowed in. I am going to try to get to Lebanon this year, another place the Israeli stamp isn’t doing you any favors. That’s pretty fucked up but as they say, that’s the way it is. I don’t know why I got this special treatment but it was really cool.

When I got to the hotel, I had a little while before the press started. I just finished it all a little while ago. The first thing was an interview with a young female for some kind of TV or online show. It was strange as I didn’t understand where she was coming from. I sat next to her on a bench seat and she said, “Don’t be afraid of me.” I was just sitting there, I still don’t know what she was getting at. People are strange, aren’t they? I was polite but it was hard to get through the maze of obtuse questions. I have no idea how the thing will come out. After that, I went to a room full of people and took questions from them. Finishing that, I went to the restaurant in the lobby and ate. I liked watching the people at the tables, their conversations were all very animated, old and young people talking to each other, people leaning in, using their hands. I like seeing people intellectually engaged, it makes me think that perhaps good things will happen in the future. It always seems like the wrong people get put in charge of things. Can you imagine if a more positive and switched on group of people had been elected into power in America six years ago?

01-09-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 1950 hrs. In the restaurant, waiting for the same thing I ordered last night. I want to get my meal in early and walk around some before I go back to the room and work on the radio show. I have not done the radio show work yet and don’t want to get behind.

I did two interviews today and talked to the Swift River guys who are out here to shoot the Saturday night show. IFC wanted a backdrop. I didn’t think we needed one but they asked if they could do one in Hebrew and Arabic that says “freedom of speech” or something. I think it’s pretty weak but I’ll play ball. I like the IFC people a lot and they have let me do another season of the show, so it’s cool. What the audience will think is, well, we’ll have to see how it goes. At the end of the day it’s always me who has to take the heat on this stuff, I don’t know if that ever occurs to them.

I am hoping that management brings me some clothes tomorrow. I wrote the airlines website and asked if there was any information on my missing bag, so far, nothing. It’s frustrating. There’s nothing I can do about it though. There’s nothing happening here, just waiting for the shows to start. Perhaps I’ll see something interesting out on the street tonight.

I will start in on the journal entries for the Canadian newspaper tomorrow.

01-12-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 2143 hrs. I did the show at 1415 hrs. Because of the Sabbath, the show had to go on early. I have not had the chance to do any writing here for a couple of days. Last night, I did a show in Jerusalem. It was interesting to be there at night and see people on the street. I was sitting in a restaurant near the venue before soundcheck, watching cars and people go by and heard music blaring from somewhere and then saw a van pass by with two young men on top dancing and waving. I asked someone at the table what that was all about and was told that it was a very serious religious sect. I guess they’re all very serious. I forget the name of the sect. Religious matters in and of themselves are of no interest to me. In fact, religion might be the most uninteresting topic for me. I was at the Western Wall the other day and watched these men praying while they rocked their bodies backwards and forwards. I was so glad I had never gone anywhere near religion and I felt bad for these people who I think are wasting their lives. I wouldn’t try to stop them and as long as they’re not trying to take me with them, we’re cool.

I met someone interesting today. His name is Ziv Koren and he’s very cool and very intense. He’s a photojournalist who took photos today and will be out with us on Sunday when we shoot outside shots for the IFC special. He’s good friends with James Nachtwey, the photojournalist who was the subject of the documentary War Photographer, which I have seen twice now. It’s amazing. Ziv gave me a small booklet of some of his work. The stuff this guy has seen is mind blowing. The booklet contains everything from portraits of Sharon, Barak, and Netanyahu to hectic shots from the heat of battle. He’s had shots on the cover of every magazine it seems. Anyway, it was cool to talk to him about Nachtwey, who seems to be one of the most intense people anywhere.

I had some meetings with management and we worked out the basic schedule for 2007. It looks like another uphill stress fest from start to finish. I think it will be a great year of work and challenge. It will be busier than last year. I think if I can maintain the level of activity, I can get a lot done this year. I have to stay with it. Whatever I do or don’t do, it makes no difference, it’s just what I want to do. Once I get some momentum and get in harness, I am pretty much good to go for the long haul. I don’t have anything holding me back so there’s no excuse not get it all done. Last year was good but this year has to be better. I want to make the IFC show better than last year and somehow outdo what I did with the radio show last year. I have been working on some future broadcasts that I think will be really good, it’s very time consuming but it’s worth it to make them as good as they can be. I can get all this stuff done if I just keep to myself and work every day. I can do it if I stay to myself and don’t stray from the work.

01-13-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 1913 hrs. Backstage. Just finished soundcheck. They brought in some much needed side fills and it sounds better. There’s always a lot of pressure when the show is being shot. A few minutes in I usually forget about the cameras and do the show just fine. I always get too nerved up for shows but this one comes with extra distraction. I finish the show and then get back to the hotel as soon as I can as I have a 0600 hrs. lobby call for a long day of shooting extra footage for this special. We will go all over the place and get as much footage as we can. That will go for about 12 hours at least. My flight for Toronto leaves at 0025 hrs. the next morning so I have enough time to grab a shower and go to the airport. I’ll get some good sleep on the flight. So basically, the next 24 hours will be a lot of work with wheels up being the finish line. The press days in Canada will be busy but low impact. Press is easy compared to shows.

Last night post show was good. I stayed in my room and worked on the radio show and other stuff. I tried to get to sleep early but couldn’t do it. I started thinking about tonight’s show and all the work we have to do tomorrow. It is hard for me to work with other people, they add noise and movement to everything. Everyone who I’m working with is great but it’s still difficult having people around the backstage area asking questions and talking when I am trying to get myself together. It’s a solid group and everyone’s working hard so it’s a good thing, just not always easy to handle.

Living this way, in hotel rooms and backstage areas, can make one very lonely. I see it with other people. I can recall echoes of how that felt but would have to read old journals of mine to get a better sense of what it felt like. Loneliness is a natural human tendency and it can be inspiring as much as it can be debilitating. I like to think of loneliness as something I starved to death by ignoring it until it was too weak to stand up and make its presence known. The way I regard it now, I think it’s just something that gets in the way and keeps you normal and moving along with the herd. The world is a lonely place. I live in Los Angeles which is one of the loneliest cities I have ever been to. Just because the world is lonely doesn’t mean you have to be. It’s not even a matter of not succumbing, for me it was a matter of throwing out a lot of rituals, learned behavior and letting anything else having to do with it just starve out and die off. I think it’s a very bad idea to depend on anyone for anything. There are situations where I have to but I don’t feel good about it. I sometimes miss people who have died but that’s a different thing altogether. They’re not coming back so the entire thought process is different. People are lonely. If you get too close to them, they’ll infect you with their loneliness and that will make it that much harder to get the work done. I kind of remember when I had a girlfriend and would think about her while on tour wondering if we were “cool” and it was distracting most of the time. Better off without. I would rather have a schedule or money or a weapon than a friend.

01-18-07 Toronto Canada: 0502 hrs. At the airport waiting for the 0620 hrs. flight to Dulles. The last three days have been busy and there was not much time to write anything. I basically did a lot of press and slept. The IFC people here are great and we got a lot done. Canadian press is fairly low impact, they are professional and prepared so it’s easy to be clear and get a point across.

Last night, there was a reception for me at a bar around the corner from the hotel. I met a lot of people, signed a lot of things and stood for a lot of pictures with people. Afterward, the press gals and I had some dinner at the hotel and went our separate ways. I tried to get some sleep and was largely unsuccessful. I hope to get a couple of hours on this flight.

When I get to DC I have a meeting with someone from National Geographic for what will hopefully lead to some employment up the road and then I am loose for the next couple of days. I am looking forward to seeing Ian and the old neighborhood. It is about as close to the idea of home as I get. I like to walk around the old streets and remember my life before I left town.

The last day in Israel was interesting. I did the 2nd Tel Aviv show, it went well. I got back to the hotel, slept a couple of hours and then started the day at 0600 hrs. We grabbed shots all over the immediate area from the Dead Sea to points in Jerusalem. For the first shot, I floated in the Dead Sea and did some promos for the show, it should look pretty funny. The texture of the water was really something, it was almost like syrup. I tasted it and it was salty beyond salty. People soak in it for the minerals and cover themselves with the mud that sits at the bottom in massive chunks. Luckily, there was a shower there. No matter how hard I tried to get it off me, I could still taste the bitterness of the Dead Sea on my arm later on.

From there, we went to Jerusalem and got shots all over the place. The Western Wall and the Temple Mount, where it’s said Jesus Christ was crucified, washed, entombed. Just like the other day when I was there, I saw many people kissing the stone and lining up to enter the grave and again it was depressing to see people acting in this way. It’s just pathetic. Ziv, the photojournalist, came with us and for most of the shots, it was the two of us walking and talking. He’s a very interesting man. All through the day, when we would be standing somewhere, he would point at the a spot a few feet away and tell of how he had photographed some awful event that happened there months or years before. That seems to be how it is in Israel, the day can go from normal to catastrophic at any time and in any place.

The most interesting parts of the day for me, besides driving around and looking at the rugged landscapes, happened towards the end of the day. We went to a section of the newly built wall, or Separation Barrier as some call it, that separates Israel from the West Bank. In the ‘80s, I made several visits to the Berlin Wall and I couldn’t help but compare the two. I always observed the wall in Berlin from the West German side, where its purpose was to keep people from getting out of the east side. I never understood the idea of walling off a place to keep people from going out into the world, it makes me think of North Korea. The primary purpose of the wall in Israel is to keep people out and cut down on suicide bombings which, apparently, it has helped to do. The section of wall we observed seemed at least twice as tall as the one in Berlin and even more impenetrable. I did some reading up on it and it’s over twice as high as the Berlin Wall. We were parked next to a gas station and there were some kids hanging out watching us. They seemed used to people pulling up and looking at the wall. I wondered what the view used to be like when they sat there as the sun set before the wall was built. It was probably great. Now all they have is a tall gray wall to contemplate. The wall has been a great inconvenience to many people who work or have family on the other side. What was a walk or short drive to the destination is now a long drive to a check point and then on from there. I have no idea what that kind of restriction of movement is like. I don’t think I would handle it well, or at least it would take a long time to get used to. If I were in opposition to the people who built the wall, it would make me hate them all the more. I don’t think there will ever be peace there. If there is, it will have to come from the Israeli side and go from there. They’re the ones with all the backing and the advantage it seems to me.

I wonder what Israelis think of all the money that America gives them every year to maintain Israel? I don’t think the money and support is a product of America’s love for Israel as much as it’s indicative of how much the Arab world is fucking hated by the American government, corporate powers and other concerns. Israel is basically an American outpost in the Middle East. They’re working to expand that, as any good corporation will do, that’s why America invaded Iraq.

The most beautiful part of the day was at sundown. We went to Mount Olive and looked across at Jerusalem. A few moments after the sun had dipped below the horizon the evening prayer started and from a few different mosques the sound of the voices echoing and blending was incredible. We recorded it. I heard Muslim prayers almost every day for about a month on this trip.

From Mount Olive we went to a café for the last shot of the day, the place was called Café Moment. On 03-09-02, 11 people were killed and dozens injured inside the café when a suicide bomber detonated himself. Hamas took responsibility for the attack. I sat with Ziv and we talked about what it’s like to live in a place where this kind of thing can happen almost any time anywhere. I truly have no concept of that kind of awareness. The man detonated himself to the left of where I was sitting and as we spoke, I kept looking over there and trying to imagine what it would have been like. I have seen a few photos of the scene, basically a gutted room with the floor almost completely covered in blood. One of the women who was on the crew for the shows and the shoot day told me that whenever she sees a crowd of people anywhere she immediately walks as far away from them as she can. When she sees an unaccompanied bag in a restaurant, she leaves. She said that this is the way a lot of people in Israel are.

I was coming out of the men’s room and walking back to the table when Ziv called out to me and pointed out the window. I didn’t know what he was on about but I looked out the window and saw a train of black SUVs flying by the café. Ziv said it was Condoleezza Rice and her entourage, who had been in the area earlier that day. I ran out of the café as quickly as I could and yelled “fuck you” at the disappearing taillights as they sped into the darkness. It felt good to let her know where I’m coming from. She’s a brilliant woman, too bad she plays for the wrong side, she’s a fucking monster like Cheney and the rest of those rotten criminals.

2348 hrs. At the hotel. What a day. I got to DC hours ago. First thing that happened was my bag went missing again. I now wonder if it’s because I went to Iran. Perhaps some people want to have a look at it. Hopefully it turns up in the morning. It’s almost funny but not that funny. I took a cab down to National Geographic, got there early and walked around the neighborhood for a little while. I love that part of DC. I met up with two of the people who come up with ideas for shows and we kicked ideas around over lunch. I liked them but I don’t think we came up with anything that they can use. I am remarkably bad at those kind of meetings, I have not a creative bone in my body. Still, it was really cool to meet them and I hope that something happens. It would be great to have done something with National Geographic before it’s all over, that would be so cool. I am not up to their standards but perhaps there’s something I can contribute. After the meeting was over and I was heading back to the hotel, passing by so many familiar streets and intersections, I thought that I have come a fair distance from the days I worked at the ice cream store, which isn’t a bad place to be. It’s been an interesting trip so far. I think of that job all the time. Sometimes I miss it very much. It’s when I am here, when I have this incredible reference point to draw from that I see that I have done a lot in the last 25 years since I left here. It fills me with a lot of mixed feelings though. Sometimes I wish I never left because I like being here so much and really like visiting the people I grew up with. They are people I have such admiration for, I am honored that I get to hang out with them now and then. I know that sounds ridiculous but that’s how I feel. I think of what I missed by leaving here in 1981. All the bands I never saw, things like that. I miss the simplicity of those times. A lot of that is part of youth, I know. You don’t have the world to contend with yet and in the limitations there’s a lot of freedom and good times. When you get a little older, there’s a lot more happening and you get busier with all of it. I think I did the right thing by leaving when I did. It’s been a hell of a time and there’s no way I could have done what I have without leaving here and taking several chances. All the same, being here rips me open and makes me feel very vulnerable and sometimes extremely confused and depressed.

After I got back to the hotel I met up with Ian and we went over to his parent’s place, as we usually do. We spent some time reading some of his mother’s writing. It takes up two full filing cabinets! Many of her journal entries are written in letter form to “Posterity.” That’s so cool. She willed it all to Ian’s niece Ava! How great is that?! Ian pulled out some of the letters, one of which describes the Teen Idles trip to California. I think Ginger wrote all these things to be read now. I think it was long range planning, knowing there was going to be a family there to read it after her passing. Her faith in that was an inspiration to write so much stuff. I think she really liked to write, that’s perhaps a good deal of it, but it had to be in her mind to keep the family strong with these stories. Ginger was one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. I have every letter she ever wrote me. It was amazing to hear Ian read from her letters when she talked about us. It was like someone reading from a legendary time in history. Just that she mentioned me in her writing makes me feel special. I miss her very much. Hearing Ian read her words was incredible. The filing cabinets sit only a few feet from where she passed away.

From there we went to Ian’s place and hung out. Ian always plays records when I am there and he always throws on stuff that I have never heard. Tonight he played a band called Third World War who I had never heard of before, no surprise there. One should never think they have heard “a lot of music” because in relation to how much exists in the world, you have not heard but a small fraction even if you are an avid listener. Anyway, an interesting band, sounds like Skrewdriver and Sham 69 heard Third World War. Something that Ian has an almost unnatural ability to do, and he’s had this since I can remember, is buy a record that’s really cheap and a few years later it’s one of the rarest records ever. Stuff he finds for a couple of bucks somewhere, out of the few records he buys a year, are often these astounding finds. I’ve seen him get a record because he thought it looked interesting or whatever and then you hear it and it blows your mind and then you find out they only pressed a few hundred. In the last few years I have done this game where Ian plays something and then I go online and try to find it and fairly often, I completely strike out.

From Ian’s we started walking over to a place called Olson’s which is a bookstore. Ivor Hanson of Faith, Embrace, and Manifesto fame was going to read from his new book called Life On The Ledge: Reflections Of A New York City Window Cleaner and we were going to check it out. On the way over, we picked up Guy Picciotto and kept walking. For me, this kind of thing is as good as it gets. As much of a loner as I am, there are some people I brake for and most of them live here. We get to the bookstore and there’s some familiar faces there: Ian’s sister Katie and Eddie Janney, player on some of some of the greatest records Dischord ever released. Ivor read from the book and it was very cool. I took a lot of photos as I always do when I am here. From there, Ian, Eddie, Guy and I walked over to a restaurant. We walked in and sitting there with his parents was Ian Svenonius of Nation Of Ulysses, The Make Up, and Weird War. How cool is this night turning out to be?! Glad I had my camera with me. From there, we left with Ian S. in tow to our next stop which was Paul Bishow’s apartment. We were going to check out some film footage he has that was shot back in the day at Madam’s Organ, one of the great early, short-lived DC Punk venues. On the way there, we walked within blocks of Madam’s Organ, it was just fantastic. Paul’s apartment is located a few doors down from the old Ontario Theater at 1700 Columbia, where we saw The Clash, The Buzzcocks, Gang Of Four, The Cramps, and many others. On our way there we ran into Mick Lowe, one of the guys from the Madam’s Organ days. I don’t know what decade it was when last I saw him. We get to the apartment and Brendan Canty, of Rites Of Spring, Fugazi, Deadline, shows up. This is one of the great nights of the year so far. The footage was really cool, I saw my 18 year-old self in some of it. There’s no audio and I don’t know if they have enough for a real documentary but I hope something comes of the footage. I guess it’s Super 8 film. What I would have given to have recorded every moment I was in that place somehow, even if it was just journal entries. I saw some shows at Madam’s Organ, 2318 18th St. NW, that changed my life. It was one of the places that my life began. It wasn’t much, a row house basically, with the stage area in the front window. It’s now a hair salon, I think. Underneath it is the very cool Crooked Beat record store. I always try to buy records when I am in there to support the place. It’s so cool to walk in there and look up at the ceiling and know that over your head The Bad Brains, The Teen Idles, The Untouchables, Trench Mouth, The Mad and so many other bands rocked that place almost 30 years before. It’s where the Bad Brains did their 2nd ever show!

I remember some nights, after the bands had played, people would just stand around and hang out. It was some of the first social interaction I ever experienced. Being a shy person, it was really cool to have people be so friendly, it gave me a lot of confidence and it was one of the places I met people who thought differently. It was like waking up from a very long sleep. The years of private schooling really isolated me from the world and it was in the Punk Rock scene where I began to find my feet on the ground. All these years later, I am still trying to catch up on things.

From Columbia Rd. Guy and Ian S. took off and Ian, Eddie, Brendan and I went back to Ian’s and hung out for a little while, then Ian dropped me off here at the hotel.

Earlier tonight Ian gave me a record I had asked for a copy of a while ago. It was the 2nd pressing of the first Minor Threat record. The awful completist in me compelled me to ask him for one even though I hated to do it. Usually if it’s something like that, I just find a copy on ebay and don’t bother him but for some reason I asked him for a copy. It’s the one pressing of that record I didn’t have. As he gave me the record, he said that the record was his mother’s copy and he thought I should have it. I was really knocked out by that. I tried to thank him and explain what it meant and I am sure the words fell short but that he understood anyway. I guess it’s now my most prized record. I sure miss her. What a thing for him to do. Today was so great.

Sometimes when I am here it’s difficult for me to contain, control or understand all the things that are in my head. There are places only several yards from this hotel that literally make me stop breathing I am so moved when I walk by. I miss the place even though I am in it at that moment. I think I miss what it was and actually being there only makes that fact more concrete. Sometimes when I am here and I am about to go to sleep, I will bolt from the hotel and walk down the street to look in the window of the place I used to work in when I was a young teenager. I want it to be that place again and I want to go in and work at my old job. It’s also the same stretch of sidewalk I walked up in the summer of 1981 to go to the train station to go to New York City and audition for Black Flag. It hits me hard. Sometimes I look out the window of the room down at my old neighborhood and I just want to die. I don’t understand these feelings and they are very hard for me to deal with. No place does it to me like this place. The only thing that comes close is the two times I have been back to the South Bay in southern California where Black Flag lived. I went down there one night and drove around after well over 15 years of not seeing the place. I drove by the old practice place, the old SST, the Ginn’s house and a few other landmarks. It was intense. A couple of year ago I went down there again with Heidi one night and I showed her the old landmarks. We went to the Ginn’s house and looked in the window and there was Mr. Ginn working on something at a table. We watched him for a moment and left. That was the last time I ever saw him. He passed away not long ago. He was an amazing man and without his and Mrs. Ginn’s generosity, Black Flag would have had an even rougher ride than we did.

It’s great to be here but it comes with a price.

01-19-07 Washington DC: Late. Today was great. Ian suggested that we go out and visit Skip Groff. Skip used to run a record store out in Rockville, MD called Yesterday & Today. I used to go there all the time. A few years ago he closed the store down and now only sells online. If you check out my book Broken Summers, there are photos of Skip and the store. I had not seen Skip since the place closed on 09- 30-02. We drove out to Skip’s house and he took us to his warehouse where he keeps all his singles. It’s insane how many records the man has. I have no idea how many thousand pieces of vinyl were in that place. After we checked that out, we went back to his house and hung out there for awhile and then we came back into town. We went over to Ian’s and he played some really good records. This time around, he played some stuff I knew of but not much. Some of the bands he played were: The Hawnay Troof, XBXRX, Jah Scouse, The Bears, and a great single by a band called The Need. They have a really cool song called Let Them Eat Valium. Ian also had a download of the acetate alternate version of the first Velvet Underground album that I read about recently. It was online for free and he downloaded it and I copied it. Can’t wait to check it out. It’s great to get turned onto stuff I have not heard before by Ian because we have been listening to music together since we were young and it’s one of the great rituals of my life. We have spent so many hours checking out music together, it never gets boring. From his house we went to the Thai restaurant that we always go to when I am here and it was great as usual. After that, we talked for a long time and he dropped me off here at the hotel.

01-20-07 Washington DC: 0724 hrs. In the coffee place down the street from the hotel at the usual table. After I got back to the room last night I fought back the urge to sleep and went back out again for a short walk in the cold. The air was great and if I hadn’t been so tired, I would still be out walking in it. I got back to the room, racked for about 4.5 hours and then wrenched myself from sleep to get up and out. It would be great to still be sleeping but this is better. In 24 hours I won’t be here. In less than 24 hours I will take that early morning taxi to Dulles and head west. I hate that ride. It’s the beginning of the end of the trip. The hardest part of the DC visit is the night before I leave. I will sit in the hotel room, tired but unable to sleep. I look out the window for minutes on end and then usually throw on my coat and head back out and walk to some point just to be out in it a little while longer. I prolong the inevitable departure for as long as I can by staying awake. I reckon if I stay awake, then somehow it will be easier to deal with leaving. I started thinking this way when my friend Joe Cole was killed. I didn’t want to sleep afterwards thinking that if I did, he would really be dead. Ridiculous, of course, but the situation was a first for me. I remember when Ian’s mother was dying I didn’t want to sleep for fear that sleeping would somehow cause her to depart. I remember trying to sleep after I had arrived here and couldn’t get more than an hour. I got back up and went back to the house. I guess I didn’t want the story to be over and thought that by sleeping the story would end. I know that’s weak. To a lesser degree, that’s how I feel on the night before I leave here. The pain of leaving here almost makes it too hard to come here in the first place.

I work at being alone. I am alone when I want to be and alone when I don’t want to be in an effort to kill the desire to be around people. The more things I see and learn, the harder it is to be around people on any level beyond work related or casual greeting. Now and then I want to be around people or spend time with a female, but I know that’s a weakness I cannot give way to. I will not get anything done if I waste time trying to hold some female’s hand. I’ve never been good at that kind of thing anyway and for me, it’s dodging the truth and I can’t afford it. The people I put the brakes on for are here and it’s always great to see them. Ian is a busy guy with a lot of people leaning on him so it’s always amazing to me that he will take some time to hang out with me.

Today has great potential. Susie J. is coming up from Florida to hang photos at the Govinda Gallery for her upcoming show in early February. Susie is the person who took the pictures that are the covers of the first Teen Idles and Minor Threat releases. Her photos are in some of my books. Her photographs are very important to the DC Indie music scene. She has a book coming out next month called Punk Love. I did the foreword and Ian did the author interview. I can’t be here for the opening at the gallery but at least I can check in with Susie when she gets here. I saw a copy of the book at Ian’s last night, it looks really good. Ivor and Susie both have books out this year, that is so cool.

01-21-07 Dulles Airport: 0705 hrs. Waiting for the flight. Leaving is never easy. The long ride to Dulles is always a drag. Actually, the whole trip starts going south around Saturday afternoon, knowing that it’s heading towards a finish. The last few hours with Ian are simultaneously great and sad because I know that I will soon be leaving. It’s almost easier when Ian is on tour and I am on my own in DC, it’s less of a drag when I am outward bound.

As hard as it is to leave the old neighborhood, it’s time well spent with the people I like and hanging out with Ian rather than just walking around on my own. I do like being on my own for part of the time here, just walking, taking things in, thinking. Sometimes when I am here by myself I walk all over, hang out in places until they close and walk by places I used to live in or work at and places of people I know. I figure I should just leave them alone. I usually see these people when Ian sets it up. I figure everyone has their own thing going and I don’t want to slow down their lives. I try to be as low impact as possible in situations like these.

LA CA: 1828 hrs. It feels later. I guess it’s the time change. I got in around 5 hours ago. I got some sleep on the flight. I have been doing all the things I had on my list to get done today. Basic food and cleaning stuff. Almost done.

This is the finish line for this trip. Honestly, I feel like loading some more songs onto the iPod, re-packing and heading out for something else right now. I wouldn’t mind going right back to DC if there was something out there for me to do. That’s the problem, I can’t handle down time.

Yesterday was great. I walked down to the Govinda Gallery and talked to the owner Chris until Susie J. and Ian showed up. We laid out all the photographs on the floor and checked them out and they looked fantastic in large format. I have not seen Susie J. in many years and it was good to see her again. She looks great and it made me feel good to see her. I hired her at Häagen-Dazs many years ago and we still keep in touch. I am glad I had my camera with me because I got some great pictures of Ian and Susie J. together. The opening is on February 4 and I can’t be there because of shoot dates for the TV show. I will check tomorrow with the Swift River people and see what the status is on that but I bet they won’t be moving. If there was a way I could get out there for that opening I would do it.

The three of us eventually left Govinda and went to Ian’s brother’s house to visit the family and see their new baby. She’s a beautiful little thing. I played with her older sister Ava for quite awhile. She’s 4 and has a very fertile imagination. She told me her name wasn’t Ava, that Ava was not around. I asked her who she was and she said her name was Avalina. I asked where Ava was and she pointed to a can of paint and told me she was in there. I called her father over and told him that Ava was in a can of paint. We looked at the can of paint and asked her how Ava could possibly fit in there. She shrugged her shoulders like it was our problem to figure out. I asked her if there were any other sisters around and she said there was another named Angelina but she was asleep. I asked where she was sleeping and she said, “Under the covers, under the bed.” I asked, “You have another bed underneath your bed?” and she smiled and nodded like she knew I was buying all this. I asked if there was anyone else around I should know about and she said she had an invisible friend who lived next door but his mother rarely allows visits. I asked if he walks to school with her and she looked at me like I was an idiot who was now boring to her, “Of course!” Then we sat under the kitchen table and used a popsicle stick as a magic wand to make a postcard materialize from thin air. Actually it was her father who dropped it down to us, magic often needs a little help.

Ian, Susie J. and I left to take her to the airport. We dropped her off and then went to Dischord House. I had not been there in awhile. I have been going to that place since 1981. We stayed there for a little while and then went back to the old neighborhood and ate at one of the local restaurants and talked for a long time. We went from there to his car and he dropped me off at the hotel. It’s always great to see Ian and be around the old spots but this was one of the best visits I can remember. Seeing all those people was great. It’s good to know that I am not so out of it that I can’t hang around anyone. I still felt strange around them all, an outsider for the most part, but I could probably get around a lot of that by spending more time being around them. That they are so cool to me means a lot. I have a lot of respect for these people.

At the airport I was waiting for the plane and was listening to a bunch of contractors talk about going to Iraq and Afghanistan for work. One of them came over to me and asked me to sign a page from a newspaper. He showed me an article on the page about DC landmarks and they had the old Häagen-Dazs listed and talked about how Ian and I used to work there. I thought that was pretty cool. I got on the plane and fell out as soon as I could. I didn’t get any work done when I woke up because I was too depressed about the trip being over and having to come back to LA. I have been keeping busy all day and am now tired. I am going to fold my laundry and go to sleep. I will be up in a few hours and will go to the office and get back in my LA rut. I feel washed up at this moment.

01-26-07 LA CA: 2230 hrs. I have been back in LA for almost a week now. I have had a hard time getting back into the swing of things here. I was looking forward to the radio show last Tuesday but it didn’t go as well as I wanted it to, at least the music was good. I am still thinking about the time I had in DC. It was such a great visit. On Friday nights when I am here, I always think of places in my old neighborhood and wonder what’s happening at that moment. I did that tonight, knowing that a week ago, I was there.

One of the things that frustrates me about returning to LA is not the place itself but the act of returning somehow cheapens what I had been doing up until I returned. The only upside about returning is that I live alone and there is no one to deal with or have to explain anything to. I did a full week of “normal” and it’s lame how quickly I become absorbed back into this place. The only thing that reminds me that I have been gone is that I am jet lagging somewhat and my sleep is light and filled with bad dreams.

The president’s State of the Union Address a few days ago was an insult. What a failure he is. Two days ago, Wolf Blitzer interviewed Dick Cheney and was totally cowed by the guy. No balls. Cheney ate him for lunch.

Blitzer: You know, we’re out of time, but a couple of issues I want to raise with you: your daughter, Mary. She’s pregnant. All of us are happy she’s going to have a baby. You’re going to have another grandchild. Some of the -- some critics are suggesting -- for example, a statement from someone representing Focus on the Family, “Mary Cheney’s pregnancy raises the question of what’s best for children. Just because it’s possible to conceive a child outside of the relationship of a married mother and father doesn’t mean that it’s best for the child.” Do you want to respond to that?

Cheney: No

Blitzer: She’s, obviously, a good daughter...

Cheney: I’m delighted I’m about to have a sixth grandchild, Wolf. And obviously I think the world of both my daughters and all of my grandchildren. And I think, frankly, you’re out of line with that question.

Blitzer: I think all of us appreciate...

Cheney: I think you’re out of line.

Blitzer: We like your daughters. Believe me, I’m very sympathetic to Liz and to Mary. I like them both. That was a question that’s come up, and it’s a responsible, fair question.

Cheney: I just fundamentally disagree with you.

Blitzer: I want to congratulate you on having another grandchild. Let’s wind up with the soft stuff-- Nancy Pelosi. What was it like sitting with her last night as opposed to Dennis Hastert?

Fuck CNN. If I ever go in there again, I will just confront anyone whoever interviews me and force them to deal with me. I have lost all respect for that outlet except for Christiane Amanpour, she’s brilliant. Seeing how the media basically let the Bush administration run roughshod all over the truth, they can go fuck themselves. I think yesterday it was announced that four soldiers were kidnapped in Iraq and then handcuffed and executed. Bush and company have to go. They are covered in the blood of thousands. They have to go now. What a mess. What a depressing mess they have sunk this country and so much of the world into. So much waste and destruction. I used to wonder how people could still get behind Bush but now I don’t and I don’t care what any of them say to me at this point. I get these letters telling me that I am going Hollywood for being against the invasion and occupation of Iraq. That kind of thing used to make me mad but now I just answer the letter politely and tell the guy that I would really appreciate it if he told all his friends to hate me as well. I can only hope he passes that along. Whenever one of these assholes works the Hollywood angle, I know they are fucking weak.

I was thinking of getting out of here again next week when the IFC show shoot dates are done but I have a lot of work to do here and I am pretty worn out. I don’t think it was the travel that got me as much as coming back here.

I got a letter from a fellow in Israel the other day telling me that someone working on the shoot in Tel Aviv asked his girlfriend to walk up onstage and give me a bouquet of flowers and that he thought it was pretty lame. I wrote back and told him I agreed. I was wondering how that all came about. I felt so stupid standing there with these two bouquets of flowers in my arms at the start of my show. I found out that it was the producers doing. I wrote them a letter a few days ago telling them to fuck themselves and that it’s not their stage to mess with. It really threw me off at the top of the set. It’s one of my nightmares, someone getting onstage while I am there. It happens now and then and it’s always hard for me to get the set back on track. I managed to save it in Tel Aviv although it threw me off and it will show on the footage. This was the night when the cameras were rolling and it’s the one that will be used to make the IFC special to air several weeks from now. The less I need to deal with onstage the better but I guess that’s not the same idea the producers have. It’s shit like that that makes it hard to deal with them. They are good people but sometimes they are frustrating to work with. We have a long way to go to get through this season.

01-27-07 LA CA: 1904 hrs. I slept as long as I could last night but anxiety and bad dreams got me up fairly early so I have been going for hours. Of all the things I saw and experienced in the time I was out on this trip, a few instances stand out vividly. One is when I was walking down a street in town near the Lemonier Base in Djibouti, a young boy came up to me and pointed at the bottle of water I had in my hand. I just smiled and put it in my pocket, I didn’t think to just give him the damn water. As I walked a short distance past him, I looked down and the water was gone. I guess he really needed that water. I can still see his face. Another thing that I remember is how I felt when I was walking with Ian, Eddie, Guy and Ian S. through the Adams Morgan neighborhood. The sound of their voices and their familiarity, the cold air, the streetlights, that we were all together at once and that it meant something. To me, it’s more than just some people walking together. I live alone and spend a great deal of time by myself. I work at it. It’s not always easy but most of the time I think it’s the right thing to do. I don’t know a lot of people. It’s easier for me that way. A long time ago, when I started traveling all the time, I learned that the less attachments to people I had, the better. I have lived that way for many years now. Many events in my life have turned me further inward so it’s often difficult to close the distance I have with people even when I want to. When I visit these people in DC I don’t exactly feel like I am with them, it’s more like I am next to them but in that instance when we were walking down the street, I felt like I was with them and it was really great. These are some of the best people I have ever met so I am always honored to be around them. When I think of all the great things they have done in their lives I am filled with awe and inspiration. In that moment when we were walking together, I felt like I was from somewhere. I get that feeling now and then when I am in DC.

On a different note, I am listening to Flogging A Dead Horse, the collection of b-sides and miscellaneous tracks by the Sex Pistols. Fuck, what a great band that was. The Never Mind The Bullocks album is as good as it gets I reckon. My favorite tracks of theirs were the b-sides though. I Wanna Be Me, No Fun, those are perfect.

I have a lot of work next week so I have to get out of this and get my head in the game. I have to shoot the first four episodes for the IFC show. I have been writing stuff for it and still have a lot to do but will make deadline. In April I have shows in NYC and LA with Janeane Garofalo and Marc Maron. We were going to call the show Rome but it seemed to cause confusion. Janeane and I were talking about it today and I said that it wasn’t a play and there’s no music and she said we should use that as the title of the show. So now the title of the show is It’s Not A Play And There’s No Music: An Evening With Janeane Garofalo, Marc Maron & Henry Rollins. We’ll do five shows out there and five out here. I think that’s how it’s going to go down. It will give me something to prepare for.

This was a depressing week, being back here, the troop casualties. I can’t wait to get on the road and go somewhere else.

These are the entries I wrote for the Canadian newspaper:

01-10-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 2351 hrs. I have been in Tel Aviv for a little over two days. The last few weeks have been busy and interesting. The first part of the journey that put me here started on the 19th of last month when I left Los Angeles, California for my 7th USO tour. The USO, otherwise known as the United Services Organization, is an NGO that provides entertainment for American Forces wherever they may be. USO regulars include rocker Joan Jett, comedian and talk show host Al Franken and many others. I do not support president Bush’s oil grab in Iraq or his demofacist foreign policy that creates more enemies of America all over the world every day. I do, however, support the troops and their families no matter whether we see eye to eye on any of these issues. USO tours have taken me all over the world to locations such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Egypt, South Korea and Kyrgyzstan.

Anyway, I went from LA to Frankfurt, Germany, switched planes and arrived in Dubai, UAE hours later. For the next few days I spent time with American Forces in Dubai and Abu Dhabi and then went to Djibouti, Africa via Qatar where I spent Christmas and then went to Bahrain, the end of the USO tour. I flew back to Dubai for a speaking date and from there I went to Tehran, Iran for five days. I have wanted to go there for many years. It was an experience to say the least. With the way president Bush is rattling the sabers, it looks like he wants to send other people’s sons and daughters to Iran to fight them there before we have to fight them here or take care of the smoking gun that may some day become a mushroom cloud or to stay the course or something. I hope he gets fed well in prison.

From Tehran I went to Amman, Jordan via Dubai where my bag went missing. My two days off in Jordan were spent calling the airport and having strange conversations with the good people at the lost and found department. I am here for three talking shows, Thursday to Saturday.

Today was good for two reasons: I reconnected with one of the more interesting people I have ever met, a man named Michael who drove me around Israel when I was here years ago. I learned a lot from him. He took me to Jerusalem today and we spent the day walking around as he gave me one of his amazing history lessons. Israel is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever seen and Jerusalem is just incredible. I can’t wait to come back. The other good thing that happened was my bag turned up and somehow made it all the way to Tel Aviv. Actually, another good thing happened, I was invited to be a guest at a local radio station where I was allowed to play all the music so I brought my iPod and played a lot of music that might be a first for some of the listeners. I was really tired when I got there but woke up as soon as the show started. Radio is a blast. The shows start tomorrow and I can’t wait to get it going.

01-11-07 Jerusalem Israel: 1922 hrs. Backstage. The venue is very small and utilitarian. It reminds me of the small art spaces I used to do in Europe back in the ‘80s. I have no idea what to expect audience-wise tonight. I have only done one show in Israel and it was in Tel Aviv. We got here only a little while ago so there was no time to see anything. I would have been no good for taking in the sights anyway, I get far too wound up about the show to do anything but go to the dressing room and prepare myself. I have been doing shows like this for about 23 years and they have never been easy and I am always nerved up before every single show. I want to be onstage and do the show but before I get out there, I can never figure out how I am going to get through it. I think the constant stress keeps me honest but is probably taking its toll on me in other ways.

My manager is in town as the Saturday show is being filmed for a special on the Independent Film Channel. Hours ago, he and I did our ritual beginning of the year meeting where we figure out the schedule for the too many things I want to do in a 12 month period. Within an hour we were able to figure out that I will have a few days off here and there but for the most part it will be like the previous years: too much, too often—just the way I like it. Actually, it’s the only way I have been able to deal with life. I think that work and constant movement is the way I self-medicate. I am an angry man. I have been mad my whole life. I don’t kick dogs or punch the walls in a drunken stupor but I do fight against my inherent laziness and my seeming inability to learn. I combat these weaknesses by throwing myself at work and forcing myself to endure as much geographic upheaval as I can stand. Somehow, I think I’m doing the right thing, on the other hand it could be that I can’t figure out what to do with my life. Life is a pain in the ass isn’t it? All the maintenance, ego, fear, ambition, and utter wretchedness of being human, I guess it’s better than being dead.

A talking show in Jerusalem?! Will anyone show up? Will they have a sense of humor? I’m not on until 2115 hrs. So for now, the cold room, the wait.

01-12-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 2039 hrs. Last night’s show was good. I had a feeling it was going to be ok when I walked out there and saw so many people smiling. I did the show and after it was over I walked behind the curtain and sat down in a chair and finished my bottle of water. When I looked up I saw there were a bunch of people standing around me, basically a large part of the audience just followed me backstage. I thought it was very funny. They were very friendly and I took photos with them and signed all the things they had and then I packed up and left.

I hit stage here in Tel Aviv today around 1415 hrs. The early stage time was because of the Sabbath. I am not familiar with how it works with things like the Sabbath and some of the rituals of religious rites. While I am not for or against religion of any kind, I must say that it holds no interest to me at all. I was at the Western Wall a couple of days ago and watched the men and women doing their devotions and while I respect the intensity of it all, it’s not a thing I want to do with my time. To see people in their outfits walking about, to see how much of their time is spent being religious is, to me, the definition of misery. On the other hand, you can take everything I know about the topic and fit it in a thimble.

The rest of this evening and night I have to myself. I am too tired to walk around and am happy to be alone in my small room with the door closed. I’ve got some music on and a cup of coffee and it’s all I need. I have been out on this trip almost a month now. I will be out again somewhere else in the world next month as I have about two clear weeks in February with no shoot dates for my television show on the Independent Film Channel and nothing I can’t work around. I am pretty slammed with work all year and have been working with management looking for spaces in the schedule here and there when I can travel. I think February will be Laos, Vietnam and perhaps Cambodia. I have been eager to go to Vietnam for some time and am very interested in seeing the Plain of Jars in Laos.

01-13-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 1835 hrs. Backstage at the venue. I am not onstage for another three hours. The more nervous I am before shows, the earlier I come to the venue. I am usually nerved up before a show but this one is being filmed so it throws a little more tension into the mix. The talking shows I do are never easy as there’s so many ways for it to go bad. I have show amnesia. Even if I am several shows into a tour, hitting stage night after night, I will sit hours out from stage time, wondering how I am going to get through it. When it’s time to hit it, there’s no place I’d rather be. I feel that way every time I walk out there but sitting here now, I can’t remember feeling that way even though I was in this venue yesterday. I have been going onto stages for over 25 years and while I like to be there, it’s never been an easy time. On tour, I live inside a held breath of anticipation. It’s all about the show and the next one. There is a short time after the show where I feel extreme relief and soon after, I start getting nervous again. I had hoped that it would get easier with age and experience but it has only gotten worse.

The next 24 hours will be very busy and sleep free. I do the show tonight and have to be in the lobby of the hotel at 0600 hrs. We will be out all day, driving all over the place getting exterior shots for this television special. It will be a 12 hour day at the minimum and a few hours later, I am on the aforementioned flight to Toronto for two days of press.

Shouldn’t I be writing more about Tel Aviv and Israel? Probably, but it’s hard to look around with shows looming. It’s one of the downsides of touring for me. If there’s a show to do, I stop thinking of where I am and just think about the show. I am happy that I was able to have at least one day off here to drive around with Michael and just see the place. As it is now, all I can think of is that stage. Tomorrow will be better. We will be moving hard but at least we’ll be out in it and able to see some things.

Later: Show over. Audience was great and I think the show went ok. Glad to get that one done. I have to be up in a few hours to start shooting.

01-14-07 Tel Aviv Israel: 2204 hrs. Back at the hotel. We were out getting shots for about 14 hours. The idea of the day’s work was to film Ziv Koren, the great Israeli photojournalist, and me walking through several locations and talking. We went to many interesting places but what made them all the more interesting was Ziv’s experiences in some of them. Ziv has covered many intense and dangerous events that have happened in Israel over the last several years. Many of the religious landmarks we visited were made more interesting when Ziv would recount taking photos in the middle of an intense Israeli-Palestinian clash and point to a spot three feet from where he was standing and explain how he had photographed an injured Israeli soldier being dragged to safety right there. There’s a lot of that kind of thing in Israel. Around sundown, we went to a section of the newly built wall to check it out up close. I made many trips to the Berlin Wall in the 1980s and remember it well. This one is taller, stronger and serves a different purpose but the feeling I had when I walked along it was the same as I felt in Berlin. Apparently, this wall has cut down the number of suicide bombings in Israel.

The last shot of the day was in a café where in 2002, a suicide bomber walked in and deployed a device, killing nine patrons and injuring many others. I have seen a photograph of the result and it’s about as awful as you can imagine. We sat a few feet away from where that photo was taken. The café was quickly rebuilt to look like it did before and re-opened. Life goes on. This is the spirit of Israel. Our location manager, Sharon, whose office is around the corner and frequents this place, said it took her a year to come back in. There is an intensity and vitality that courses through the many people I’ve met in Israel that I have not encountered anywhere else. They are people who have been through a lot and will no doubt be going through a lot more. Next stop, Toronto.