Irushed up, heading for the convent passage, when I heard the children coming back from the Christmas party. Me heart was flying. I was dying te know how they got on; the poor kids never even heard of a party, never mind go te one. I had only been te two. Then it was over for me because I started working. But I will never forget it! Me first time ever te get to go te a party! Gawd, it was magic! The fuss they made of us from the moment we set foot in the place. It was factory workers, clubbing their money together and saving up for the orphans’ party. That’s what this place is seen as, an orphanage! It drives the kids here mad. ‘We’re not orphans!’ they roar at the local village people who look and shake their heads, saying with pity, ‘Ah, look! There go the poor orphans on their Sunday afternoon walk.’ Jaysus! I could live with that. These orphans are not doing too bad.
But that first party I went te! They handed us out party hats and balloons, and bags of sweets, and played party games. Some of the men, the workers, were getting up and singing all the songs the kids wanted te hear. ‘Jingle Bells’, ‘Ye better watch out! Santa’s on his way’. We roared our heads off, then jumped around the place dancing te the music!
It still haunts me when I hear the words of a song being played: ‘Train whistle blowing . . . all along the bay’. I stood listening te the words, me hands full of sweets, and me jaws working up and down lorrying sweets down me neck. Then as the words hit me, and the music seeped inta the core of me, I suddenly stopped chewing and looked around at all the children laughing happily and the decorations and the different-coloured lights and the people running te make children happy. It hit me. A terrible feeling of sadness came over me. People doing so much for the children, because it’s Christmas, and they have no mammies. But I had a mammy, and this is the first time I’ve ever seen people all standing around watching and rushing te see if we are having a good time, and I felt like a child for the first time I can ever remember. I was feeling all this while the music was playing, and I wanted te be on that train all along the bay . . . ‘and underneath the blankets go all the girls and boys’. I had a picture of children being safe and happy, and I wanted te be one of them. I was a child, an ye get minded when ye’re a child! I was feeling happy, and special, but even as I felt it, it was slipping away from me, and I knew then me time was running out. Because soon I would be big. And I’d never get te find out what it was really like te be a child for long. Yeah! The Christmas party. I will remember that day te me dying day. And that music! That song brings it all back. Magic! I’m a child again, feeling the happiness and the sadness all mixed together. I’d get te meet Santa! The man I gave up on a long time ago, knowing some things never happen. But it was all happening for me! I’m having me first Christmas. And it’s like stepping inta one of the fairy-tale books I used te rob for meself. Yeah! It was the most precious time of me life . . . I was a child and I felt like a child, even as it slipped away from me.
I felt tears spilling down me cheeks and I smiled, wiping them away. Now me little sisters and brothers are getting their turn.
I heard the stampede of feet running along the convent passage and I whipped open the door as a gang of happy children ran through me, knocking me te one side. I looked at the faces, seeing Dinah and Sally walking through the crowd, getting bumped. They looked lovely, wearing hats with pom-poms, and their long fair hair hanging over their lovely warm coats. They had long scarves wrapped around their neck, and boots with red tights; little Sally’s was white. Dinah was holding onto a big doll, and Sally had a Rupert the Bear; she carried it like a baby.
I pushed me way through, shouting, ‘Dinah! Sally!’
They looked up, seeing me, then I noticed Dinah was crying.
‘I’m here! What happened? Why are ye crying? Come on!’ I grabbed the two of them, taking their hands, and looked around for Teddy and Harry. Agnes’s nursery group was not back yet. They’ll probably be back soon; they went in a separate bus.
‘What’s wrong with ye?’ I said, kneeling down te them, pulling them outa the way inta the corner of the landing.
‘A big one punched her in the stomach, Marta!’ Sally whispered, looking like she wanted te cry as well.
‘Who? Where? Why?’ I asked in shock. They were terrified. Afraid te lift their eyes and look around.
I looked around at the group standing and waiting for the Miss te arrive and herd them off te bed. A big young one stood staring and smirking at us.
‘She did!’ Dinah said, holding her stomach and sobbing.
I jumped up, whirling around, and flew at the young one. ‘Did you hit me little baby sister?’ I asked her, feeling the colour drain outa me.
‘Yeah! So what?’
‘Ye whore’s melt!’ I landed her such a smack on the side of her face, sending her flying. ‘Ye big fucking eejit. What age are ye? Twelve?’ Then I felt an electric bolt going through me head as I turned around seeing her big fat friend, a big young one from my group, come steaming at me.
‘Bitch! Long! Don’t you dare hit my friend again or I’ll kill you.’
I took a flying kick at the young one again, sending her flying backwards and smacking her back inta the stairs. ‘That’s for a start,’ I snorted, as Fatty came flying at me again with both claws out, ready te grab me hair and claw me eyes out. I ducked, grabbing her by the back of the hair, tearing her towards the banisters, and keeping well back I swung her head over, jerking her down, then dived in, pressing her neck up as far as I could get it with the palm of me right hand and holding her hair tightly gripped in me fists with me left hand, pulling her head down. I tugged for all I was worth, forcing her te arch her back, sending her nearly flying over the staircase and, jumping back, landed an unmerciful kick in her stomach.
I was icy cold! First it was only me. Now they pick on me helpless little sister, and they’ll pick them off one by one unless they learn a lesson. ‘Don’t you or yer bitch of a friend ever mess with me or my family again,’ I snorted, outa breath. ‘Or next time ye will be needin a bleedin hospital.’
The door flew open and Sister Eleanor came flying in looking from me te the fat cow holding her stomach, and roaring, ‘What’s happening here? What’s been happening? Come on, children, go up to your dormitories. In front of the children, Martha! How could you?’
I looked at Dinah and Sally; they were white as sheets. ‘Come on, girls, I’ll take ye up te yer beds and I want te hear everything about yer party. Did ye have a great time?’ I whispered te the two of them. ‘Did ye see Santa Claus?’
‘Yeah! We got a dolly an a teddy bear,’ they whispered, still in shock at seeing their sister get inta a terrible fight after being attacked themselves.
I was feeling like me heart was breaking; the whole fucking thing ruined. Them bastards are animals. I couldn’t let it go when the bastard threw down the challenge! Otherwise they would all turn on the babies later on in the dormitory. That fucker needed te know she can’t look crooked at me babies! Yeah! I did what I had te do. Or it would be worse again for them next time. ‘Listen, Dinah! That big young one won’t come near ye again. She knows I’m watching her, so ye won’t be afraid, will ye?’
‘No!’ They shook their heads, a faraway look in their eyes, thinking about this. Then Dinah’s face lit up in a smile. ‘She knows ye will kill her, Marta.’
‘Yeah! I’d only kill her, so don’t mind them.’
‘OK! Yeah, OK!’ they smiled, Dinah letting her neck slip inside her coat, giggling. Enjoying the thought she was safe because I was around te protect them.
‘Martha! Wake up!’
I shot up in the bed looking inta Sister Eleanor’s face.
‘Quickly, get up to the parlour. Jesus help us! The young couple who took Agnes for Christmas have had to bring her back. She’s up there now, screaming her head off, waking the whole convent up! It’s twelve o’clock at night. Hurry! Get dressed like a good girl,’ she said, humping me outa the bed while I was still sitting staring at her, trying te get me senses back.
I jumped outa bed, diving inta me clothes, and followed her quickly outa the dormitory.
‘Jesus wept!’ Sister Eleanor wailed. ‘They are a lovely couple. She left with them earlier this evening.’
‘Yeah, I missed her when I went down te the nursery. They said she’d left already; that was just after tea.’
‘Yes, the couple were delighted with her, but she screamed the house down when they got her to their home! They had to ring the convent, Martha!’ she whispered, shocked at the idea. ‘And take her all the way back. She wouldn’t settle. They said she kept screaming for you.’
‘Oh hell, that really is a shame. What an awful pity, Sister.’
‘Yes, but it can’t be helped. She’s back now. I had to hurry down to get you. She took one look at me and went hysterical! I couldn’t get near her. Come on! Hurry! Can you hear the screams?’
I could hear the screams from here as we hit the chapel passage. ‘Gawd! The nuns will go mad in the morning, Sister,’ I puffed, getting outa breath, ‘with all the goings on!’
I didn’t know whether I was coming or going, flying between the children and sleeping beside the baby every night te get her te sleep. Then rushing in the morning te get me work done, and thinking and worrying about them when I wasn’t with them.
Sister Eleanor threw open the door te the convent parlour, and me eyes peeled down te a little fairy in a white fur coat and matching fur hat, standing looking like she was only a few inches off the ground. Agnes stood screaming in a continuous pitch, her tongue hanging out and her eyes keeping a watch, flying around at any movement and belting out at anyone who came near her.
I looked up at the lovely young couple standing beside each other, both of them stooping down te Agnes. The young wife had her hands out, and she was telling Agnes everything was fine. ‘Look who’s here to see you.’
And the husband was bending down with his hands on his knees and his eyebrows turned up, staring at her like he was going te cry because the baby was having nothing te do with them.
‘Agnes! What’s wrong with ye?’ I stooped down te look at her and she flew at me, diving inta me lap.
‘Tha buckers are tryin te rob me!’ she complained in a high squeak, pointing at them and staring back. ‘Now me big sista is goin te kill youse!’ she suddenly roared.
‘Shush!’ I put her face inta me chest. ‘No, no, Agnes! Ye can’t say that! They only wanted te take ye te see Santa Claus, and buy ye a big dolly, and mind ye until me ma comes outa hospital,’ I said, looking inta her face.
‘Naw! I want te stay wit you!’ she started te roar.
‘Shush! OK!’
The couple were looking sad and fascinated with the size of her and the stuff coming outa her mouth. ‘Oh, she’s gorgeous,’ the woman said sadly, shaking her head at her, feeling the loss at not being able te take her for the Christmas.
‘Where did ye get the lovely coat, Agnes?’
‘She pur it on a me!’ Agnes said, pulling the two sides together and hanging onta it as if the woman was going te take it back.
‘Oh! And look at yer lovely white fur muff te put yer two hands through,’ I said, feeling it.
‘Yeah! Dat’s mine too!’ she said, throwing her eyes, giving a warning look over at the couple.
They roared laughing. ‘Yes, of course it belongs to you, Agnes,’ the lady said. ‘We bought it specially for you! Remember? We took you to the shop.’
Agnes just stared with a suspicious look on her face, still thinking she’d have te lose the coat if she let go of the two sides.
I picked her up, saying, ‘I’m very sorry, she just made strange. Say goodbye, Agnes, te the nice people.’
‘See ye,’ she squeaked.
‘Will we give them a kiss?’ I whispered. ‘They are going te miss ye!’
‘Naw!’
‘Why?’ I whispered.
‘Cos she might take me coat!’ she whispered, leaning her face inta me and locking her eyes on mine, raising her little eyebrows.
‘Ah, she won’t! Come on, let’s get ye down te bed. Say bye, bye!’
‘Wha abou me Winkey?’ she suddenly roared.
‘Oh, yes! We can’t forget him,’ the man laughed, picking up a white furry cat with a red ribbon tied around his neck and coalblack eyes that glittered.
She grabbed Winkey, holding him tight te her chest, and snuggled inta me arms, then lifted one hand, waving happily at them, feeling safe again as we went out the door heading down te the nursery.
‘Ye won’t leave me, Marta?’
‘No, darling. I’m staying right here with ye,’ I said, snuggling her closer te me.
She closed her eyes, and I felt me eyelids getting heavy. I flicked them open, feeling them a dead weight. I can’t stay awake!
I must have dozed again, because suddenly I opened me eyes feeling the cold stiffening me. I lifted me head, gently looking at Agnes. She’s out for the count. I slipped off the bed gently, making out the door and headed down the passage, and took off taking the stairs two at a time, me legs feeling a dead weight.
Christ! I’m freezing and bloody exhausted. I didn’t get te sit down once today; the time just flies. Oh, I’m dying te get te me own bed. Jaysus! I bet it’s nearly three o’clock in the morning. I have te be up at seven. These days I go te Mass in the mornings, mostly te impress the nuns. It’s better te keep in with them, seeing as the kids hate me guts. I can’t be getting meself slammed in the middle like I used te, with the nuns trying te get rid of me on one side, and the kids trying te kill me on the other. It’s working, because I’ve made meself useful te the nuns, and that gives me an advantage over the kids. Now at least I know where I stand, and I can keep outa trouble. Te hell with the kids; I know where me bread is buttered! Yeah, but I’m going te have me work cut out for me trying te get up in another few hours.
I slid inta the bed, going out like a light.
‘Go forth in peace, the Mass has ended.’
I watched the priest give his blessing then leave the altar, taking off for the sacristy. I waited, holding me breath, then looked around at the nuns leaving their prie-dieux. The ones in charge of the children anyway, while the Reverend Mother and the rest of the Community stayed on for a bit of contemplation.
I quietly made me way outa the bench and genuflected, then opened the side door, closing it quietly, and tore off like the hammers of hell making me way down te the nursery.
‘Buck off!’
Oops. That’s my Agnes, I thought, pushing in the door, laughing te meself.
‘Come on, Agnes! Don’t you want to use your potty? Do wee wee!’
‘Naw!’
Poor Vanessa was standing there with a potty in her hand, scratching her head, getting nowhere with her, trying te persuade her te go out with the other babies te the toilets and sit on the potty.
‘Who’s making all the noise?’ I laughed, creeping up te her and grabbing her inta the air.
‘Ye left me!’
‘Aaaahhhh!’ I nuzzled her neck, hearing her screaming laughing, me saying, ‘Ah, stop yer aul giving out. Thanks, Vanessa. I’ll look after her. Come on! Let’s go out te the toilets and see all the other babies.’
‘Naw! I don’t want te sit on tha!’ she screamed, waving at the pot.
‘Course ye don’t. Ye’re too big for tha. We’ll go and use the big toilets! Wouldn’t ye like that, Agnes?’
‘Yeah!’ she said happily as I scooped her up.
‘Marta! Harry, lookit! Marta’s here.’
‘Look at you two in yer lovely pyjamas!’ I said, rushing over, picking up Teddy and leaving Agnes sitting on the bed. ‘Give us a kiss, Harry!’
He giggled, his eyes lighting up and showing his lovely little white teeth.
‘Are ye OK?’ I said, sitting down on the bed with Agnes on me lap.
‘Yeah! But we don’t like it on our own, do we Harry?’
‘No! We don’t like it on our own,’ Harry agreed, listening te Teddy and smiling at me.
‘Listen! Get dressed, darlings, and ye’ll be getting yer lovely breakfast! Won’t that be nice? And I’ll see ye at lunchtime when I come back from work for me dinner. Is that OK with ye? Now! I want te sort out this little fairy here. Isn’t that right?’ I said, giving her a tickle.
‘Aaaahhh! More! More, Bar ta,’ she roared.
‘Tickle me!’ shouted Teddy.
‘And me!’ said, Harry, slapping his chest.
I looked around, seeing the nursery nun coming in. ‘Oooh! Too late, boys! All outa tickles until dinner time. Ye have te get dressed now. Go on, boys,’ I whispered, ‘put yer clothes on.’
‘OK, Marta! Do ye mean it tha ye’ll come back te see us at the dinner time, Marta?’
‘Of course I will. I would never let ye down,’ I said earnestly te them, bending down te look inta their eyes. ‘Now, hurry up and go and get yer breakfast. Come on, you! Me little fairy.’ I carried her out te the toilets. ‘Look at you lot!’ I laughed te the babies all lined up sitting on their potties.
‘Will yeh read me anodder story?’ Arthur shouted up te me from his potty.
‘Yeah! Course I will, Arthur darling! Oh, ye’re all such good babies! Aren’t they, Agnes?’
‘Naw!’ she moaned, looking at them, not too sure.
‘Aaahhh! They are! Don’t be mean,’ I laughed, grabbing her tight and sinking me mouth inta her neck, hearing her little tinkly laugh.
‘Now! Finished. Good girl! Ye used the toilet like a big girl!’ ‘Yeah!’ she laughed, delighted at being one up on the other babies after using the baby toilet.
‘Hurry! Quick!’ I whispered. ‘We have te get ye dressed then we can rush down and see Dinah and Sally before ye get yer breakfast.’
I hurried down the passage wanting te see the girls, anxious te make sure they were OK. ‘Naw!’ Agnes was screaming in me arms. ‘I wan me cooaat! An me haaat!’
‘Ye can’t wear that, ye silly! That’s te keep ye warm when ye go outside in the cold!’
‘Naw!’
I stopped dead with her in me arms, looking at her with me eyes wide. ‘Oh no! It’s terrible,’ I said, looking at her.
‘Wha?’ She suddenly stopped roaring, staring at me wondering what I was going te say.
‘If we run back for yer coat’ – sob! – ‘we won’t get te see the girls. What will we do? Will we not see them?’
‘Naw! Hurry, Bar ta. I want te see me sistas!’
‘Right! We better hurry!’ I said, faking me breath, puffing along like mad.
I flew outa the convent taking the stairs two at a time and charged inta Ma Pius, nearly knocking her sideways.
‘Where on earth are you running to? Where is the fire?’ she barked, fixing her veil and steadying herself.
‘Sorry, Ma . . . Mother Pius. I was rushing for me . . . my tea.’
‘Walk! Please walk, a lady always walks.’
‘Yes, Mother Pius,’ and fuck off outa me way! I’m thinking te meself as she stared at me, deliberately making me take me time. I stared at her, trying te take the sulky look off me face and smile. Only then she stepped outa me way, making me stand back and hold the door open for her. Then she sailed past, muttering, ‘Energy is wasted on the youth!’
I let the door go and tore up the passage, flying down te the nursery. Jaysus! I hope Agnes is all right. I didn’t get te see her at lunchtime. I had te go on a message down te the village for one of the nuns. I was bleeding raging. By the time I got back, it was too late te see them. I had te get back te work.
I puffed me way along the passage, seeing Sister Eleanor hounding a load of young ones in front of her. ‘Martha! Where are you going?’ she moaned, looking like she wanted te cry, run or kill someone.
‘I’m just going te see Agnes, Sister, before she goes down for the night, and read her a quick story,’ I gasped, slowing te a gentle run.
‘No! Wait!’
‘What?’
‘You can’t see her! She’s . . .’
‘Sister Eleanor! Will you be giving out sweets after the tea? When you come down from the convent?’ roared Lilian Wring, shaking the nun’s arm with one hand and scratching her arse with the other.
‘Will you leave me alone the lot of you for one minute.’
I flew off.
‘Wait! Martha!’
‘What?’ I stopped just inside the door.
‘Come back here when I am speaking to you!’ Sister Eleanor roared, losing her rag.
‘What, Sister? What are ye saying?’ I asked her, beginning te get worried. Me heart went inta me mouth. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing! There’s nothing wrong. I am sick of the lot of you! Nobody listens to me. You are all so selfish!’
‘Jaysus, Sister!’ I roared, losing me temper.
‘Don’t you dare take the name of the good Lord in vain!’ she screamed, running at me and waving her finger in me face.
‘I just want te go in and see me baby sister and Teddy and Harry! Have me tea, then see Dinah and Sally. What’s wrong with that?’ I stared with me mouth open, feeling me temper rise.
She dropped the pained look in her face suddenly and relaxed, trying te pacify me. ‘Listen, Martha, I was trying to tell you they have all gone home.’ She stared at me, and I stared back, trying te take it in.
‘Why? When? I thought they were going te be here until after the Christmas. Go out with families . . . and have a . . . lovely Christmas . . .’ I trailed off, staring at the floor, trying te take it in. I felt like bursting inta tears.
‘Why? Because we had to take little Agnes home; she wasn’t settling, you know that yourself!’ she said, softening her voice.
‘So why did the others go?’
‘Because their father insisted. “If one comes,” he said, “they all come.” So they all left this morning. So there you are, they’ve all gone home,’ she said, waving her hands.
‘OK, thanks, Sister.’
Then she went heading off te the refectory after the other lot and I headed out te the toilets in the playing fields, where no one would bother me.
The grounds are deserted; everyone’s in having their tea, I thought, looking around at the open fields and the bare trees all along the Cloistered Walk. It’s too cold te go down there and it’s too dark anyway, and this biting cold would cut through ye, but I don’t care. I just want te feel miles away from everyone.
I went inta the toilets and sat meself down on top of the toilet seat and listened te the quiet, the wind blowing through the bare trees and along the high stone walls the only sound te be heard, and the wind and the cold and the air blowing inta the open entrance te the toilets was lovely. Fresh and wild, giving me a sense of being free in the wide open spaces. The suffocating feeling I had when she said they were all gone. The people around me shouting, screaming, demanding, jeering, laughing, unfriendly, treacherous – all coming from the same scream, all wanting what I wanted. Someone for their very own. Te be special in someone’s heart. The constant beat of the tom-tom drums, the fight for territorial rights, te be heard, noticed, wanted, loved, with the only adult who cared: Sister Eleanor! She was the coveted prize. Nothing and nobody stood in the way of survival, nothing could be too vicious, everyone must look out for themselves, for when ye have a full belly, a roof over yer head and a warm bed, then comes the pain again, the gnawing need for the warmth of a pair of loving arms te take away the cold and emptiness that pains yer heart.
The noise made me feel trapped, afraid, lonely, alone, like I’ll never be wanted. I thought I was in hell for those few minutes. Jackser and the ma and the old ways were inside me and all around me. The children are gone! I’ve nothing, nobody, and I was drowning in Jackser and the ma, with the thought of the children not even having even one Christmas but having te go back now te that hell of the ma and him!
I took in a deep breath, standing up, and walked outside, looking up at the dark sky and feeling it is a big wide world beyond here. I can get lost out there, travel far and wide, and away from here, and everything that came before it, and live somewhere where I have peace and space and time te meself, and people around me who like me . . . and there’s no more violence.
I took in a deep lungful of air, letting out the hot breath te mist in the cold night frost, seeing it curl around me head, warming me face, and looking out as far as I could see inta the dark night sky with the stars twinkling in their heavens. They’re all the souls of people gone before me, I thought. Then me gaze lowered, resting on the trees throwing their shadows inta the light thrown down by the lamps at the top of the avenue, and slowly walked back towards the kitchen door, making me way in for a drop of tea, feeling more at peace, and a quiet feeling of stillness.