‘In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Go in peace! And may I wish you all a Happy Christmas,’ the priest said, blessing the congregation with his hands in the air and pointed sideways te us, then kneeling and bowing te the tabernacle and walking off the altar, heading in te the sacristy with the little altar boys, one on each side of him.
‘The Mass is over,’ Thelma said and smiled at me. ‘Let’s go quick!’ And she was moving fast, trying te get going before all the grannies and the mammies and daddies with the small children started moving.
We were outa the church ahead of the rest and looked at each other’s style. ‘I like your hipster skirt. Pity you don’t have black patent shoes to match,’ she said, eyeing me from me pink polo neck jumper te me wine skirt with the matching thick belt and the gold buckle, down te me new white knee socks and me shoes. I looked down at me brown shoes with the strap across, and, yeah, somehow there’s something missing. I never really thought about it before, because the other eejits just make a laugh of me. But Thelma is nice, and she’s kind.
‘Do ye think I would look better, Thelma?’
‘Definitely! And a white jumper to match the white socks would be lovely. Or a black polo neck to match the shoes. But you’re too young for black, that’s only for older people.’
‘Yeah! Pity I haven’t got a white jumper,’ I said, feeling very disappointed I’m not really looking smashing. ‘Where did ye get yer kilt from, Thelma?’ I said, eyeing her long red-and-green kilt, with the big Tara brooch and the off-white new Arran jumper, with the red knee socks and black patent shoes, like the ones I would like, with a little bow on the front.
‘Oh, Mammy bought the kilt from a little shop back home in the country. Well, Mammy and Daddy are from Roscommon, so they call it back home.’
‘Ye look lovely, Thelma, really nice,’ I said, standing back te take in the style of her.
‘Thanks!’ she said, happily jigging up and down and tapping her new black patent shoes.
I stayed quiet, not really wanting te show off me style I thought I had in me suitcase. Still, they’re nearly new. I only got them six months ago!
‘There you are, girls,’ the mammy said, with the breath coming outa her mouth and her nose looking red from the cold. She was wearing a lovely new long tan coat with a new white-and-gold scarf with a lovely glittering diamond brooch in the middle and a fur hat te match the coat, and black patent high-heel shoes. I looked at her lovely red lipstick and blue eyeshadow and powder on her face. She really looks lovely, all dolled up te the nines.
‘Where’s Daddy?’ she said, looking around, seeing the granny and grandad moseying over te us, all done up in style, too.
‘He’ll be along shortly, he’s gabbing teh John Joe O’Reilly from back home,’ the granny shouted, seeing the mammy looking around for him.
‘Where?’ she whipped her head around, getting impatient. ‘Thelma, go and find your father and tell him we have to get going straight away. My goose will be burnt to a cinder! Hurry! And bring Joseph.’
The car heaved up te the front door, and I lifted meself off the granny’s lap, only managing a little, me head was stuck te the roof, and Thelma was squashed on the mammy’s lap with the uncle buried in the middle, with Joseph sitting on the grandad’s lap.
‘Safe and sound, home again,’ sang the daddy.
‘Let us out! For the love a gawd! I can’t breathe,’ screamed the mammy, and Thelma screamed, ‘Move, Grandad; get out, Joseph,’ who was looking at her, laughing, with her head stuck out the window.
‘Get a move on, Paidir Murphy!’ shouted the granny.
The daddy heaved himself outa the car and pulled back the seat, and I was flying out the car all hunched up, and looking back at the granny standing and sitting, trying te get herself moving.
‘The grandad is an awful torment,’ muttered the mammy, giving the granny a push.
‘Hurry! I want to get out and see my Christmas presents,’ Thelma moaned.
‘I’m getting there first,’ roared Joseph, making for the door, pressing himself against it and turning his head, looking for someone te open the door.
‘Don’t you dare!’ screamed Thelma. ‘Mammy! Don’t let him touch the presents without me!’
‘Stop all the shouting, children. Nobody is opening any presents until we are all ready!’ shouted the mammy.
‘Are yeh right, Granny?’ the daddy said, helping the granny outa the car.
‘Dat’s a crucifixion!’ breathed the granny, trying te get her breath back.
I stood back, waiting for everyone te peel themselves outa the car, feeling the chilly wind without me green coat. It wouldn’t go with me good clothes. I’d look foolish on a day like today. Everyone made a run for the front door, the mammy turning the key, and the rest galloped in behind her. Even the granny was trying te gallop in her new black granny laced-up high-heel boots, getting herself knocked sideways in the rush and shouting, ‘Mind me! Yeh’s will kill me yet, with the hurry on yeh’s!’
They all made straight for the front room and the Christmas tree with the pile a presents wrapped around the floor underneath. The mammy flew down the hall, making for her goose, shouting, ‘Don’t open anything without me! I’ll be along in a minute when I baste me bird.’
‘What have we here? What did Santa Claus bring us?’ said the daddy, walking in, slowly rubbing his hands together and bending himself te the floor looking at all the presents.
‘What did I get?’ screamed Thelma, dropping on her knees, grabbing up parcels.
‘Where’s mine?’ screamed Joseph, diving on the lot of them, picking up armfuls, his head twisting and his eyes crossing trying te take everything in at once. Then dropping small ones and grabbing up the big parcels, and looking at the names. ‘This is for me, and one for you! There’s yours, Thelma,’ and he threw it down beside her.
‘Records! I got . . . Where’s the record player, Daddy? Oh, did you get me the record player I asked for?’ She was nearly crying with shock and excitement.
‘Keep looking,’ the daddy muttered, watching the two of them and reaching out for a present, looking at the name and handing it te the granny.
‘Oh, what is it?’ muttered the granny, squinting at the little card on it.
‘And here’s yours, Grandad.’
‘Begad! One for me an all!’ he said, eyeing the big soft parcel.
‘Yeh started without me,’ roared the mammy, laughing and rushing inta the room with a big red face on her from all the rushing.
I moved back, feeling a bit foolish. I might be in the way, and they wouldn’t be easy, either, with me watching, maybe thinking they had te give me something when they weren’t even expecting me, when I only got here last night. I wonder if it would look OK if I shift meself out. Would they think I’m being insulting?
I saw the mammy whisper te the granny and give me a sideways glance. Jaysus! They’re talking about me! I made for the door, smiling, saying, ‘I’ll be back in a minute. Just going te the toilet,’ I mumbled in the mammy’s direction.
I rushed down the hall and up the stairs, making for me room. I flew in the door, shutting it quietly behind me, and walked over te the window. I stood looking out at the frost on the bare trees in the big back garden, me eyes landing on the swings, two of them together, and the see-saw. The dog was running around the garden trying te catch a white cat sitting on the high wall staring down at him.
Jaysus! I’m glad te be outa there until they get all their stuff. I was feeling a right gobshite! Yeah! It’s nice of them te have me here, that’s very good of them. But I’m not one of them, and I don’t want te be reminded of that. Gawd! The more we get, the more we want. Here I am standing in a lovely room going te get a lovely Christmas dinner, and I feel like crying because Thelma has a mammy and daddy that think the world of her, and I feel left out in the cold. Yet, I could be with Jackser and the ma, having hell on earth now along with the other kids, and yet I’m still feeling a bit hard done by! If Charlie was here now, he’d be the happiest boy in the world! Stop yer carry-on and be grateful! Yeah! God is looking after ye, otherwise ye wouldn’t be here now; ye could be still stuck with that bandy-legged aul bastard Jackser! On the other hand, there’s no fucking way in hell I would be still there. I’d be living in England and working away, making a new life for meself. Right! I’m going down te enjoy meself. It’s all in yer head. They won’t be taking any notice of ye!
‘Martha?’ I rushed over te the door, opening it, and heard the mammy say, ‘Where is she?’
‘I’m coming!’ I flew down the stairs, seeing her waiting for me.
‘Come here to me, pet,’ she said, holding out her hand and giving me a present. ‘This is for you!’
‘Me?’
I opened the red Christmas wrapping paper, taking me time not wanting te tear the paper, and took out a light-blue cardigan with buttons all down the front, feeling the soft wool. ‘Ah, thanks, Mam, it’s lovely,’ I said, looking at her with the worried look in her face in case I didn’t like it.
‘Granny has the same one in white,’ roared Joseph. ‘Look!’
I looked at the granny grinding her false teeth and shaking her fist at Joseph. ‘Oh, sorry! I was just saying,’ Joseph mumbled, looking shifty and whipping his head around looking for more presents.
I laughed, seeing the poor mammy go bright beetroot in the face and the granny rolling her eyes te the ceiling, muttering, ‘That child hasn’t a pick a sense.’
‘No! I really like it,’ I said, feeling sorry for the poor mammy feeling she got caught out giving me one of the granny’s presents.
I fitted it up te meself, seeing it was a bit long, but I’ll grow inta it, and now I have something new te wear. No, it won’t go with this skirt, pity! But I can wear it with me other skirt and frock; it will be lovely with me white blouse I have.
‘Look what I got!’ screamed Thelma, showing me her new record player that ye lift the lid and sit the record down and it plays. ‘I got two new records, one of the Beatles singing ‘A Hard Day’s Night’, and Elvis singing ‘Heartbreak Hotel’. Ohhh! I can’t wait to play them. And look what else I got! A new maxi coat.’ She whipped it on, fastening the silver buttons with a big collar going up around her neck and tying the belt, whirling herself around te show it off. ‘What do you think?’
‘It’s lovely, Thelma,’ I said, admiring it, wishing I had one like that. Pity about me new one, but still, I’m happier letting me ma have it. I just have te be patient and save up te buy another one. I have everything ahead of me. ‘Ye look lovely in that,’ I said, looking at the mammy throwing her eye over Thelma, staring at the style of her and shaking her head, looking satisfied it suits her all right.
‘Ohhh! Thanks, Mammy!’ And she threw her arms around the mammy, making her laugh, saying, ‘You look lovely in that coat, love! I’m delighted it looks so well on you. Now! I’d better get back to the kitchen or there will be no dinner this day.’
‘Bang! Bang, bang! Got yeh all!’ shouted Joseph, standing in his cowboy suit, with his hat on, waving two guns with smoke coming out.
‘Take dem tings out teh the back garden,’ roared the granny, getting a shock, jumping with the fright. ‘Yeh will blow us all up with the smell a dem caps.’
‘They’re not real, Granny!’ laughed Joseph, saying, ‘I’m going out to play with Scrapper!’
He was gone, flying out the door, not listening te the daddy shouting, ‘Don’t scare the shite outa tha dog!’
‘Tut, tut! Don’t be using dat kind of language to the child,’ said the granny, glaring at the daddy, who rubbed his hands, jumping up from the armchair and going over te the sideboard and opening a bottle of Paddy Irish Whiskey, pouring one for himself and saying, ‘Will yeh all have a drop?’ holding the bottle out te everyone.
‘Yeh know I don’t drink!’ said the granny, throwing her eye at the bottle and fixing her new long frock over her legs and pulling off her boots. ‘Ohhh! The pain in me bunions, dem new boots are crippling me altogether! I’ll just have a drop teh deaden the pain in me corns,’ she moaned, watching him pour out a drink for himself after handing one te the grandad, and pouring a little drop for her. ‘Fill the glass!’ she roared, watching him. ‘It will do me for the rest of the day!’
‘Oh, begad! She’ll end up plastered teh the floor yet before the day is done,’ laughed the grandad, lifting his shoulders te his neck and munching on his false teeth, smiling and guzzling down the drink.
‘I’ll have none of yure aul chat outa yeh now, Paidir Murphy! I’m just as entitled teh enjoy meself as you and the rest of yeh’s,’ Granny snorted, looking at the drink and flying it down her neck, saying, ‘It does a body good all the same teh get a bit a the craythur comforts,’ then smacking her lips and wiping them with the back of her hand, and slapping the nearly empty glass down on the table beside her armchair.
The daddy switched on the big Bush radio, and the green eye came on. Then the room lit up with the sound of the ‘Little Drummer Boy’ being sung on the radio. ‘Ropa bom bom!’ we all sang, joining in the song.
‘Dinner!’ shouted the uncle, and Thelma flew in shouting, ‘Come on, everybody! Dinner is ready. Daddy! Mammy wants you to carve the goose. Where’s Joseph?’
The granny stood up and flapped her arms out, getting dizzy. I grabbed her, holding her arm. ‘Thanks, Martha, love! The heat a dat fire would send yeh flying on yure back,’ she said, shaking her head and steadying herself.
I laughed, saying, ‘Oh, yeah! The heat would kill ye all right if ye stand up too sudden.’
‘Right! Yeh hang onto me arm like a good girl, and we’ll make our way dere nice ’n easy,’ she said, grabbing hold a me arm and staggering off in her nylon-stocking feet, with her toes sticking up, and she rocked backwards.
‘Are yeh all right, Mammy?’ said the uncle, coming in laughing and taking the granny’s waist, letting her lean on him.
I followed the crowd inta a lovely big dining room with a long table covered in a heavy white embroidered tablecloth, with a glittering vase made of Waterford crystal sitting in the middle filled with flowers, and silver knives and forks and white linen napkins. I held me breath, letting it out in a gasp! My gawd! I never saw anything look so lovely, I thought, looking around at the mahogany sideboard with the wood shining from the lamps lighting on the wall overhead, and it’s heaving with the amount of stuff sitting on top. Bowls of fruit, tins of biscuits, sweets, bowls a yellow trifle! Oh, I don’t like that, nor custard, yuk! Makes me sick. But there’s plenty more te eat.
The granny sat herself down, saying, ‘You sit over dere, Grandad, opposite me, and put Joseph one side, and, Seamus, you sit next to yure daddy.’
We all sat down with Thelma sitting next te me, and the daddy came rushing in carrying two plates, saying, ‘Come an give a hand to yure mammy, Thelma,’ who was planting a Christmas hat on my head.
‘Here, Granny! Let me put your hat on!’ Joseph said, jumping up and racing around the table.
The granny sat still, her eyes crossing with too much a the drink taken and waited patiently for Joseph fixing the hat on her head. ‘Now, Granny! Ye’re ready for the Christmas party!’ shouted Joseph, rushing off with his own hat on and sitting himself down just as the grandad muttered, ‘Begad! She’s well ahead a the rest of us with the party! Look at the state a yure mother, son!’
The uncle looked over, grinning like mad as the granny stared at the two of them, shouting, ‘Yeh have some cheek on yeh, Paidir Murphy! An you dhree . . . three shifts . . . shits . . . sheets to the wind last night!’
The roars of laughing coming out a them, and even Joseph joined in, not really knowing what they were laughing at, because he wasn’t minding what the granny was saying.
‘Your dinner, Martha!’ Thelma puffed, landing a big plate of dinner down in front of me and the other one in front of the uncle.
‘Mine! Where’s mine?’ shouted Joseph, swinging his head around te the door, getting impatient and looking back te see what we got.
I looked at me plate a roast potatoes and mash and white goose meat and Brussels sprouts, that looked buttery and soft. I don’t like Sister Mercy’s. Hers are like stones and taste like piss. I have carrots and cauliflower, with gravy poured over the lot, and the steam rising outa the dinner, the plate is hot. Oooh! This is heaven.
I tasted the meat and the mash with a bit of roast potato, and it slid down me neck before I could really get te taste it. Jaysus! I never tasted anything like this in me whole life! People really do have a great time at Christmas! I dug inta the grub like there was no tomorrow, cleaning the plate and looking around the table, watching everyone take their time, still only half finished, drinking and talking and eating.
I sat wondering what we were going te get next. ‘Would you like more?’ the mammy asked, looking down at me seeing me empty plate.
‘Eh . . .’ I was afraid te say yes, in case they thought I was a glutton.
‘Daddy! Jump up and carve the child another bit of meat, and there’s more potatoes keeping warm in the oven.’
He leapt te his feet, grabbing my plate, anxious te get back te his eating and drinking. ‘Now, get that down yeh,’ he said, landing another dinner in fronta me and opening another bottle a wine.
‘Gish a drop more a dash!’ said the granny, waving her glass, with the hat hanging over her eye.
Thelma and me looked at each other and burst out laughing. And Joseph roared laughing at us, not knowing what the laugh was about. That made me laugh louder, because he laughs not wanting te be left out.
‘What’s tickled yeh, girls?’ laughed the daddy.
Thelma pointed te the granny holding her left arm in the air, letting her wrist flop and trying te find her mouth te the glass and missing, nearly landing her head in the dinner plate. Everyone watched, roaring their heads off laughing. ‘She gets plastered every year,’ whispered Thelma, bending over te me an saying, ‘but she always swears she doesn’t drink!’
I dug inta me second dinner, and it was even nicer than the first. I finally put down me knife and fork, leaving a clean plate, feeling me belly full at last. Gawd! Ye’d sure know it was Christmas with a dinner like that. I smacked me lips, looking around at everyone, and they were all beginning te look dozy!
‘Would yeh like me teh bring in the pudding, Mammy?’ the daddy asked, throwing down his napkin, saying, ‘Begad! Dat was a good dinner! Yeh can’t beat the mammy’s cooking. Isn’t dat right, everyone?’ he said, looking serious at everyone and shaking his head in wonder, giving a big belch and punching his stomach. ‘Begad, it was an all,’ he said, heading for the kitchen.
The mammy sat looking at everyone around the table with a smile on her face, feeling very contented in herself.
‘Fire!’ shouted the daddy, rushing in with a dark-brown Christmas pudding with blue flames coming outa it and landing it on the table, then grabbing the whiskey bottle and pouring whiskey over it and setting fire te it! The pudding went up in blue flames.
‘That’s the whiskey!’ Thelma laughed te me, seeing me eyes hanging outa me head.
I never saw the like of that before. ‘No, thanks, I’m grand,’ I said, refusing the pudding.
‘It’s Granny’s home-made recipe dat’s been in the family for years! Go on, try a little,’ said the daddy, pushing the plate at me, ‘and have some brandy butter.’
‘OK,’ I said, not wanting te be a nuisance. I tasted a little bit with a bit a brandy butter, and it’s gorgeous! I don’t like currants, but this is heaven.
I had the lot polished off and was waiting for more. But the last of it went te Granny, who was snoring, and the mammy shook her, shouting, ‘Wake up, Granny! It’s your favourite part of the meal. The Christmas pudding!’ she shouted.
‘The what? Me pudding, did yeh say?’ Her eyes flew open, trying te land on the pudding, then clapped on the big dollop of brandy butter getting slapped on.
‘If she doesn’t eat that,’ I whispered te Thelma, ‘grab it quick and pass it down te me.’
‘Ha, ha! No chance in hell of getting your paws on Granny’s pudding. I think it’s the brandy butter she likes.’
‘Yeah! Me, too,’ I said, keeping me eyes peeled on the pudding.
She took her time but managed te clean the plate, and I was left wanting something else te eat. ‘Oh, Daddy!’ said the mammy. ‘Bring in the mince pies. I have them warming on a low heat.’
‘Right, Mammy,’ said Daddy, stirring himself, looking redeyed and sleepy. ‘Do anyone else want dem mince pies sitting in the oven?’
‘I do!’ I roared up.
‘Not at all! God bless us all, we will all burst!’ moaned the grandad.
Me heart sank! I was planning te put some of that brandy butter stuff on them, I thought, looking up hopefully at the daddy.
‘Right so! They don’t want dem,’ said the daddy, sitting himself down.
‘Thelma!’ I whispered, giving her a nudge.
‘What! What’s wrong?’ she asked, looking at me.
‘Tell yer daddy I want a few mince pies.’
‘Daddy! Bring a few mince pies for Martha.’
Everyone looked at me, and the daddy looked shocked. ‘Yeh mean yeh still have room in yure belly for more?’ he shouted down, laughing at me.
I could feel meself going red-hot in the face, but I wanted te get me teeth inta more cakes. ‘Yes, please!’ I said, laughing.
‘Begad! Yeh must have a hollow leg,’ he said, getting himself te his feet, looking at me, saying, ‘I don’t know where else yeh put it, because dere’s not a pick on yeh!’
Everyone laughed, and the mammy said, ‘Let her alone. Good girl, Martha. Eat up! Sure you’re growing at a great rate, and it’s a compliment to me to see you eating all around you.’
They started te clear the table and clear around me, while I sat, lathering on the brandy butter, having a party all te meself. ‘I’ll help as soon as I’m finished this,’ I said, trying te get it down me fast, helping meself te more brandy butter. I was feeling light in me head and heat in me belly and wondering if I was getting drunk on the brandy butter. Gawd! I won’t forget this meal in a hurry, I thought, putting down the spoon on the plate, barely stopping meself from licking the last of the brandy butter and pudding streaking the plate. And te think I nearly deprived meself of all that! Hm! Lovely.
I stood up, making for the kitchen, seeing the men doing the washing up and Thelma and the grandad putting the dishes away. ‘What would ye like me te do?’ I whispered te Thelma.
‘Nothing! You go and brush your teeth or something, or talk to Granny in the front room,’ she laughed.
‘Really?’
‘No! I’m only joking, she’s probably asleep!’
‘Right! See ye later,’ I said, flying upstairs te brush me teeth and wash me face and comb me hair. It’s lovely and shiny; that must be the shampoo they have here. We use carbolic soap in the convent.
I bounced onta me bed, lying down for a minute, enjoying the luxury of having nothing te do and having a full belly. We would never get a full belly in the convent. There’s too many people wanting more! And there’s never more, unless ye’re going out te work or something, and sitting on the big ones’ table.
I woke up, looking around me. What happened? The light has gone; it must be evening. Jaysus! I must have conked out. I leapt outa the bed, taking meself off downstairs, wondering what they will think of me. Eating their grub then doing a vanishing act. I wonder what’s for tea? I’m hungry again. I heard noise coming from the front room and opened the door.
‘Here she is!’ roared Thelma, looking around and smiling at me.
‘Did yeh sleep off the big dinner?’ laughed the daddy, sitting in the armchair by the fire.
‘Come on!’ shouted the granny, sitting in the other armchair by the fire with a table in front of her, playing a board game. ‘Yeh’re just in time teh see me squeeze the last penny outa dis lot,’ she said, pointing te the game board and holding up cards and a load of play money.
‘No, Granny, I’m not out yet,’ shouted Joseph, making a grab for money outa a box.
‘No yeh don’t!’ said the uncle, grabbing the money off him.
‘I’m allowed! I can do that! I can borrow money from the bank!’ roared Joseph.
‘No you can’t!’ shouted Thelma. ‘You’ve already lost all your houses to the bank. You have nothing left to mortgage!’
‘No! Daddy! Tell them to stop cheating,’ screamed Joseph, nearly losing his mind.
‘Ah, begad! Yeh’re now in the same boat as yure poor aul father,’ laughed the daddy, shaking his head. ‘The banks will give yeh nothing for nothing!’
‘Come on! Hand over yure cards,’ said the granny. ‘I own dem houses now yeh have dere.’
‘But they have mortgages on them!’ screamed Joseph. ‘They belong to the bank.’
‘Not if I pay off the mortgages,’ cackled the granny, taking all of Joseph’s cards, rattling her false teeth up and down, laughing like a hyena. ‘Come on! Who’s next? Now just remember teh land on dis one,’ she said, stabbing her finger on the board. ‘I’m always very delighted teh see the lot of yeh! Dis is the best road in Ireland, Ailesbury Road, and I even have me hotel on top! So anyone dropping in teh see me will end up not even standing in the knickers dey’re wearing! Because with the cost of dis place, I’ll take every penny off yeh. I’ll skin yeh alive, and yeh may make yure own way home, walking in yure pelt!’ she screamed, laughing like a hyena.
‘Begad! Don’t say yeh’re related teh me! I don’t know yeh if the policeman comes knocking on my door,’ roared the daddy, laughing his head off.
‘No, it’s not,’ shouted Thelma. ‘I have the best road; Shrewsbury Road is the poshest and most expensive road in Ireland, and I have it, look!’
‘Yes! But a lot of good dat will do yeh; sure, it’s empty! Yeh haven’t even got a house on it, never mind a hotel like me,’ the granny laughed, dropping her head down te admire her hotel, then her eyes peeled around the board, taking in what everyone else owned.
‘I’m not playing!’ screamed Joseph, starting te cry his heart out. ‘Daddy! They cheated me!’ he screamed, landing himself on the daddy’s lap with a thump.
‘Ouf!’ moaned the daddy, lifting him outa the way while he grabbed himself between his knees, going red in the face. ‘Ah, son! I think yeh may have damaged me for life,’ he puffed. ‘God! Take it easy.’
‘Mammy!’ screamed Joseph, flying out the door, screaming like a banshee, sobbing his heart out, holding his head like he’d been killed, roaring, ‘They’re all very mean teh me, and Granny robbed all me houses.’
‘What’s this game called?’ I asked, dropping meself down on the floor next te Thelma.
‘Monopoly!’
‘How do ye play it?’
‘Easy! You just . . .’
‘Easy, she says!’ said the granny, muttering as she counted up all her money.
‘OK! We’ll play a new game,’ said Thelma, collecting up her houses and money and trying te put it back in the box quickly.
‘Not on yure Aunt Biddy!’ roared the granny. ‘Yeh have teh wait until I’m finished winning dis game!’
‘Ah, I don’t mind waiting,’ I said, getting nervous of the granny’s dirty looks at the two of us.
‘No! I’m fed up playing this game; let’s start a new game!’ shouted Thelma.
‘Yeh can, but it will cost yeh,’ said the granny, eyeing her.
‘OK! There’s all my money.’
‘Yeh can keep that. I want real money. Yeh owe me ten bob if yeh want teh get out early.’
‘What? We’re not playing for real money.’
‘No! But it’s called a penalty clause!’
‘You’re talking rubbish, Granny!’ screamed Thelma, getting red in the face.
‘No! If yeh’re intent of depriving me of me winnings, then cough up!’
‘Where does it say that in the rules, Uncle Seamus?’
‘Ah, yeh don’t play with Granny without getting yerself scalped,’ laughed the uncle.
‘Oh, by all dat’s true and holy,’ the daddy agreed, nodding his head up and down like mad. ‘Many’s the man at home found dat to his cost. Begad! She’s a fierce woman for the poker! Or any card game for dat matter.’
‘Pay up!’ said the granny, holding up her hand, looking very serious and giving me a look much as te say, ye’re next!
‘Ah, I don’t know how te play,’ I said, losing me nerve, not wanting te get meself skint. But still and all wanting te have a go. I never played any games like this before. Or any games for that matter.
‘Teatime!’ shouted the mammy, putting her head in the door and laughing at everyone shouting and fighting.
‘Thank God!’ mumbled the daddy. ‘Dat will shut the lot of dem up for a while.’
The mammy poured out the tea and I sat meself down te help meself te a plate of sandwiches. ‘Yum! These are lovely and tasty, Thelma.’
‘What’s in them?’ she said, opening the bread te get a look.
‘What’s going on out dere?’ the daddy said, looking out the kitchen window, hearing the dog roaring his head off. He opened the kitchen door and we could hear people’s voices shouting, and it sounded like a baby crying. ‘Are yeh all right?’ he said, going out the kitchen door.
‘What’s happening?’ said the mammy, following him.
We all jumped up and ran out the door, me following Thelma.
‘We have a problem,’ said a man looking over the wall from the next-door garden. ‘Jasper is trapped up your tree.’
We all looked up, seeing a white cat sitting on a branch high up in the tree.
‘That’s very high up, isn’t it, Thelma?’
‘Yeah, it must be about forty feet.’
‘How did he get up there?’ said the mammy, holding a dishcloth, looking up very worried.
‘Can you get a ladder and get up and get him down?’ said an aul one with glasses on her nose and thin white hair, pointing her walking stick at the daddy, then up at the tree, sounding very snotty and staring at him, waiting for him te jump up and do her bidding. ‘And stop that nasty dog from frightening my Jasper!’ she shouted, waving her stick at the dog. ‘He caused all this, you know!’
Scrapper was slipping and sliding, flying around the tree, going demented, looking for a way te get at the cat. ‘Get in!’ the daddy said, making a run at Scrapper, who tore up the garden then came flying back, headbutting the tree and knocking himself out.
‘Well, can you get him down?’ said the skinny man with the thin fair hair and the thick glasses, wearing a brown V-neck jersey with yellow bars on it. The kind grandads wear, not aul fellas like him in their forties.
‘No! I can’t do dat,’ said the daddy, shaking his head, looking up at the cat. ‘It’s far too dangerous. But I would be willing teh lend yeh a ladder and yeh can have a go yerself. But I wouldn’t advise it!’
‘Don’t you dare step up on that ladder, Frederick! I will not have it!’ screamed the aul one. ‘You might fall and hurt yourself.’
‘So it’s OK if I climb a ladder and break my neck! Is dat what yeh’re saying, Mrs O’Brien?’
‘Your dog is responsible for terrifying my Jasper in the first place and driving the poor boy up that tree. He lives in terror of that thing; it’s totally out of control,’ she roared, whipping her head te the dog, snorting at it, then folding her hands and leaning on her stick, looking mournfully up at the cat.
‘Well! If dat’s the case,’ said the daddy, ‘yeh can go and . . .’
‘Maybe I should have a go,’ said the skinny man, throwing his leg over the wall.
‘Don’t you dare go near that tree, Jonathan! If you fall and break your neck, who is going to take care of me?’ she screamed, giving him a whack of the stick on the leg. He whipped it back quickly, rubbing it like mad. ‘I am an invalid,’ she barked at the daddy, ‘and Jasper and I are devoted to each other. Now! It is your garden and your tree my poor Jasper is trapped in. What’s wrong with you? Surely you are capable of getting on a ladder and lifting my poor Jasper to safety? A fine strong man like you,’ she trailed off, while the daddy and the rest of us all stood looking up the tree, listening te the silence, with the stars shining and the frost on the grass, and the dog staggering over te lie on the grass beside the mammy, not knowing what hit him.
Suddenly we all jumped with the sound of explosions as Joseph came flying out in his cowboy suit, shooting his caps up at the cat, shouting, ‘We can scare him outa the tree, Daddy! Bang, bang.’
The dog tore inta the house and the cat screamed, leaping up on the branch and arching his back, showing his teeth and clawing the branch.
‘Help! He’s going to be killed!’ screamed the aul one, waving her stick at the cat then turning it on Joseph. ‘Stop that racket! You horrible people! I’m going to go in and call the guards this minute!’ And she turned on her stick, making for the house.
‘Mammy!’ shouted the aul fella. ‘Wait! Don’t leave, that will only make things worse,’ he screamed, wringing his hands and shivering over at us.
‘Come on!’ shouted the daddy. ‘Let’s all go inside and leave the bloody cat alone. He can make his own way down. He got up, so he can come back down the same way.’
‘I have the answer,’ said the grandad, dragging out a long hosepipe and shooting water up at the cat.
‘Stop! Stop that at once,’ screamed the aul fella, throwing his leg over the wall. ‘Mammy! Help! Poor Jasper! You’ll send him flying out of the tree!’
‘Dat’s the idea,’ said the grandad, trying te aim the water at the top branch, but it wasn’t far enough and rained down on us.
‘Aaah! We’re getting soaked,’ screamed Thelma and the mammy.
‘Come on! No more of dis nonsense!’ the daddy roared, waving the lot of us in the door. He put his hand on my back and grabbed hold of Thelma, while the mammy wrestled Joseph for the guns.
‘Put the hose away, yeh old fool,’ shouted the granny from the back door, standing in her stocking feet, glaring at the lot of us and waving her arms in disgust. ‘Did yeh ever see the like of it in yure whole life?’ she muttered te the air. ‘All dis fuss and bother over a bloody aul cat.’
We all tramped back inta the house, with the mammy shouting at us te wipe our shoes on the mat outside the door. I went back out and shoved me feet up and down, laughing te Thelma, who was roaring her head laughing.
‘I could have shot him outa that tree, Daddy!’ said Joseph quietly, talking te the daddy.
‘Yeah! And that aul hag would have the lot of us up for murder,’ snorted the daddy, looking back over the wall te the aul fella shouting, ‘Come back! What about Jasper?’
‘Feck you! And yure bloody Jasper!’ snorted the daddy, slamming the back door shut as Scrapper trailed in, holding his head te the ground, still feeling dazed. ‘Come on, let’s eat!’ said the daddy, sitting down te the tea.
‘Brrrr, it’s brass-monkey weather out dere,’ the grandad shivered, taking a bite of his sandwich and looking down at his wet trousers.
‘Dere’s no fool like an old fool!’ barked the granny, throwing a dirty look over at him. ‘Take dem trousers off yeh quick, before yeh catch yure death a cold, Paidir Murphy!’
‘I will when I’ve finished me tea,’ he mumbled, his jaws working up and down trying te chew a mouthful of meat. His teeth kept falling out, and he lost his patience, whipping them out with a load of bread stuck te them.
I looked away, feeling me stomach turn.
‘Ah, stop that aul carry-on! Either get dem teeth fitted properly or go without,’ shouted the granny, looking away in disgust.
Everyone laughed, looking at the grandad wiping the teeth with the sleeve of his jumper. Then we heard sirens and we were wondering where the fire was. ‘It sounds very close,’ said the mammy, looking at us, listening. Then the hall doorbell rang, and rang again. Someone was keeping their finger on the bell.
The daddy got a shock and moved slowly te the door, opening it, then seeing the lights flashing through the stained-glass door.
‘Jesus! What’s happening now?’ he mumbled in fright.
‘Go on! Open it and find out,’ said the mammy, not moving herself, wanting him te go.
‘We have a distress call from number eighty-three,’ said a man’s voice. ‘You have a cat stuck up your tree. They’re just passing a ladder across now and up to the tree, is that all right?’
‘Oh, go ahead! By all means,’ said the daddy, looking at the big fireman with the yellow hat on his head and the hatchet in his hand and the big boots with the black rubber suit. ‘Do yeh need me for anything?’ the daddy said.
‘No, I think we can manage, thanks for the offer,’ said the fireman, heading out te the truck, with the lights flashing and men running around, grabbing down the ladders.
‘Right so,’ said the daddy as we all rushed te the hall door te get a look. The woman stood outside, directing the men with the long ladders and pointing them with her stick te the back garden and giving us all a dirty look.
We rushed back in, making for the kitchen window, with me tearing in behind the granny in her bare feet, with her toes curled up, running on her heels, forgetting about her bunions in all the excitement. Scrapper was doing circles in the air with rage, wanting te get outa the kitchen te take lumps outa whoever was at the front door, then tearing for the back door with all the excitement going on there.
‘Look! They’ve thrown a big light across,’ shouted the mammy, and the tree was lit up like the middle of a summer’s day! The cat was shivering up the top of the tree and showing his teeth and crying like mad. The ladder went up, and a fireman went climbing up and tried te grab hold of the cat, moving his arms out slowly, taking hold of it, just as it sprang through his closing arms, flying through the air and landed on the high back wall. It stood with its back arched, hissing, then took off flying inta the garden next door, and we could hear the firemen saying, ‘There you go, Missus. Safe and sound.’
‘I told yeh! I told dat aul hag next door! The bloody cat was in no danger whatsoever! Would yeh believe that? Wasting dem poor men’s time bringing dem out on a night like tonight. Oh, she’s a selfish bloody aul cow! Dere’s no mistaking dat!’ screamed the daddy, losing his head altogether, whipping down the curtain, while we laughed like hyenas.
‘Calm down, Daddy, you’ll give yourself a heart attack!’ laughed the mammy, looking at the daddy’s face turning purple with the rage.
‘And teh boot, blaming our Scrapper!’ he said, looking at the dog, who stopped headbutting the back door at the mention of his name.