‘Here we are,’ said the daddy, slowing down as we hit the big black gates left wide open for people coming back after the Christmas holidays.
Me heart sank seeing the sight of the dark avenue, with the big old trees leaning over making me feel they were going te trap me back inside again.
‘Did you enjoy yourself, Martha?’ the mammy said, looking at me, her eyes turning sad.
‘Yeah! More than I can tell ye!’ I said, thinking happiness is grand, but it’s always followed by a worse feeling of misery when it ends. Me stomach was feeling sick at the thought of facing back inta work and having no one te talk te. Not in the way I could talk with the family. I didn’t need te say much, but when I did they all looked at me and listened, and they made me feel I was somebody who mattered. Here, the kids just ignore ye or give ye dirty looks, or keep snapping and tormenting each other. I spend me days with the nuns, getting on with me work, watching them creep past me, lost in their own world and only smiling at ye if ye do something for them. Most of the time they look haunted and hunted. Fucking Jaysus! This place would put years on ye!
A car whirled around in front of us, the tyres skidding and making a crunching noise on the gravel, then slowed down, pulling te a stop outside the door. ‘There’s the Reverend Mother,’ smiled the mammy, looking up at the aul biddy holding open the front door. Me heart missed a beat watching her letting the young one pass through with her suitcase, smiling down at her and waving over at the people in the big black car, looking like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
‘I better go in,’ I said, taking the suitcase from the daddy, not knowing what else te say te them.
‘You take care of yourself, pet,’ the mammy waved. ‘You were a pleasure to have. We’re going to miss you,’ she smiled, looking out the open window of the car.
‘Yeah! I’m going te miss the lot of ye’s, too,’ I said, waving at Thelma, who was looking out the window with a half smile on her face.
‘I’ll miss you, Martha. It’s a pity we’re not sisters,’ she said, making me want te cry.
‘Thanks again for having me,’ I mumbled te the daddy, keeping me head down and heading for the steps. I stopped and turned around, looking at them all waving out the car window at me, and waved back, giving them a big smile, keeping down the flood of tears wanting te erupt inside me. I turned away and headed in the front door, flicking me eyes up at the Reverend Mother, giving her a smile and rushing past her, saying, ‘Thank you, Mother.’
‘Yes! So did you have a nice Christmas, then?’ she asked me, waving at the people and smiling.
‘Yes, Mother, very nice, thank you,’ I said, heading down the passage, wanting te make for the dormitory, not in the mood te talk te anyone.
‘How’re ye, Long? Did you get anything nice for Christmas?’ asked Dilly Nugent, feasting her greedy eyes on me, looking down at me suitcase.
‘Yeah, loads a things,’ I said, flicking me eyes over her, seeing her eyes flash, hoping she’d get something offa me, or they’d rob it if ye don’t give it te them. Bleeding robbers some of them are, I thought, thinking of me blue cardigan. I’m not saying a word about that. They would laugh their heads off, silly cows.
‘Wait until you see what I got, girls,’ she said, hiking her suitcase up onta the bed. She held up a long knitted scarf with loads of different colours that wrapped around her neck and went down te her legs. ‘It’s a maxi scarf; it will go with the new reefer jacket my godmother bought me. Wait until you see it, girls!’
‘Oh, show us, and I can’t wait until you see what my godmother bought me!’ cackled Pasty-face, with the beady eyes jumping in her head, getting herself all excited over nothing.
‘Loretta! Come on, come over here. Look! She’s back, girls. Show us what you got.’
‘Hi, yeah, girls! Oh, wait until you hear all about my Christmas holiday, girls,’ gushed Loretta, throwing her suitcase on the bed, looking like the cat that got the cream. ‘We went to the Shelbourne Hotel for our dinner one night. It was my godmother’s birthday, and all the family turned up.’
‘Ooh, wait until you see what they bought me. I had the time of my life,’ screamed Olivia Ryan. ‘You should have seen the amount of presents under the tree for me. Here! Look at this!’ She held up a gorgeous cream sweater and a pink dressing gown with a matching nightdress the same colour and fluffy pink slippers.
‘Ohhh! That’s gorgeous,’ they all screeched.
‘No! That’s not all! Wait until you see the rest of my stuff.’
‘Girls! Look at mine!’ screamed Dilly Nugent.
I had had enough. Not wanting te bother me head about what they got, I walked off, landing me suitcase on the bed and put everything folded carefully away in me locker, taking out me night things. I flew inta the dressing-room in me nightdress and brushed me teeth, wanting te get meself inta the bed and cover up me head, not wanting te think any more about being back in this place and having te get up early for Mass and start work again. That’s what’s on me mind, I thought te meself. Te hell with them and their fancy godmothers. I had me family, and they may be culchies, probably not good enough for the likes of them. But they suited me, and I’m not opening me mouth te give them ammunition te make a laugh of me. Especially if they find out about the granny’s cardigan. Definitely not!
‘What did you get, Long?’ Loretta shouted up te me.
‘Yeah! Show us what you got,’ they all said, staring up at me bed, wondering where me stuff was.
‘Ah, I’m not in the mood. Sorry, girls, I’m tired, I want te get te sleep.’
‘Aah! Long got nothing! They probably gave her a box of talcum powder if she was lucky!’ Dilly Nugent shouted, laughing at the rest of them.
‘Yeah! She’s a right gom! Sister Eleanor probably got her an old-age pensioner to keep her company for the Christmas,’ cackled Olivia Ryan. ‘She knows Long is a right eejit.’
Fuck you all! I’m not rising te the bait, I thought, jumping inta me bed and ignoring them. They forgot about me as more came slamming through the door, shouting about what they got and the great time they had. So did I! If I had gone with the President of Ireland, they would have still found fault with me, and I couldn’t have had a better time than I did. So fuck them, I’m saying nothing.
Everyone stood around Sister Eleanor all shouting at the same time. ‘Sister! Can you give me another shilling out of my holiday money you’re holding for me?’ shouted Dilly Nugent.
‘Stop shouting,’ said Sister Eleanor, screwing her face up at the noise.
I stood back, quietly waiting, wearing me green coat, and not wanting te get left behind. This is the first time she let me out for a whole year since the first and last time I got te go te the Legion of Mary club in the city centre. The last time I went I got so excited at being let loose I hung out the window of the bus shouting me head off at all the passers-by. The big young ones said I made such a holy show of them, the nun wouldn’t let me out until now. So I’m staying very quiet and keeping well outa trouble.
‘You look a right eejit in that coat!’ muttered Dilly Nugent, swinging her head around and landing her eyes on me coat. ‘Look at the state of her, girls,’ she whispered, with her hand over her mouth so Sister Eleanor wouldn’t hear.
‘Fuck off, Nugent! If I looked as ugly as you, I would drown meself,’ I muttered through me teeth. ‘You look like the hunchback of Notre Dame! Fucking Quasimodo!’
‘Who’re you calling a hunchback?’ screamed Nugent, giving me a push.
I landed a kick on her arse as she turned back te roar at Sister Eleanor, ‘Did you hear what she just called me, Sister Eleanor?’ Then she turned back te try and land a punch at me.
‘Keep yer hands te yerself!’ I roared.
‘Stop, the pair of you!’ screamed Sister Eleanor, landing a clatter on me shoulder and glaring at me. ‘One more word out of you, madam, and you will go straight to bed!’ she roared, pointing her finger in me face.
Nugent shook her head at me behind the nun’s back and stuck her tongue out, crossing her eyes and laughing.
‘Stop it, Dilly, like a good girl,’ said Sister Eleanor, twisting her face and looking like she had eaten something sour.
Fuck Sister Eleanor, she makes a pet of her and a fool of me. ‘Ye better tell that one te keep her hands te herself or I’ll put manners on her, Sister Eleanor. I’m warning ye,’ I snorted, feeling the heat a me rage race through me belly.
‘Uhhhh,’ they all screamed, laughing their heads off.
‘She’s going to put manners on you, Dilly, you should be shaking with the fear,’ Olivia Ryan jeered.
‘That’s enough! This is your last warning, Martha Long! One more word,’ she said, wagging her finger in me face, moving close enough for me te smell her breath and get the whiff of mothballs off her habit.
I moved back, looking away from her, deciding te keep quiet, and feeling meself go cold. There’s more than one way te skin a cat! My turn will come, I thought te meself.
‘Now, you must be back no later than nine forty-five. If you are back any later, you will all be punished and won’t be going out to the club next week. Now remember, I will be waiting up for you, and please come up the avenue quietly. I don’t want you making noise and waking the nuns in the convent.’
‘No, Sister Eleanor,’ they all shouted.
Then we were out the door and walking down the avenue. I trailed behind, keeping me distance, happy with me own company, just glad te be getting out. The bus landed us on O’Connell Street and we walked across te the Gresham Hotel, heading up te Parnell Street and turning right then left onta North Great George’s Street. We passed the old Georgian houses with railings around them and steps up te a heavy door. We went down the steps te the basement, and fellas passing called out, ‘How’re ye, young ones?’
They all looked back up and Dilly Nugent shouted, ‘How’re you, Anto? Come on, girls!’ and they all tittered and went back up the steps.
I looked up at the two skinny goughers with the shifty look in their eyes and the sneer on their ugly mugs, with their jaws hanging open, shaking their heads and giving each other the eye. Not believing anyone would even look at them, never mind run te talk te them! I kept going down the steps. Pair of chancers, I sniffed te meself. They’re welcome te them! Fellas like that will suit them down te the ground: beat the shite outa them and won’t work in a good fit! It takes one eejit te know another.
I pushed the door in, seeing the faces of the women all looking around at me, smiling and coming over te welcome me. ‘Hello! How are you?’ beamed an aul one with a long skirt and thick nylons like Matron Millington wears, and stone-grey hair clipped back behind her ears like a schoolgirl. I stared at the dandruff covering her black cardigan, getting a musty smell as she laid her hand on me shoulder and lowered her red face with purple veins so close te me I couldn’t see her properly; me eyes were crossing.
I moved back, saying, ‘Thanks for having us, Sister. I couldn’t wait te get here!’ And kept moving back, pretending I was looking around the place.
‘Ohh!’ she gushed, coming at me again and grabbing me shoulder, pulling me inta her. ‘Oh, Sister Brigid! We have a new girl. Isn’t she wonderful?’
‘Ohh! Isn’t that marvellous!’ screamed Brigid. ‘You are so welcome!’ A tall skinny aul one wearing a greasy long frock with flat black shoes and a strap across that went outa fashion with the Indians back in the 1930s. Jaysus! The state of her, I thought, watching her flying over te grab me hands, saying, ‘Now! You have been sent to us by our Holy Mother, Our Lady!’ Then she blessed herself, saying, ‘Sister! It is such a blessing Our Blessed Lady has bestowed on us. She is answering our special intentions for new recruits. Sending us lovely new young girls. We must say an extra decade of the rosary to give thanks!’ Then she bent down and stared inta me face, showing me her yella teeth and a red-raw face that looked like she used a scrubbing brush on it.
That face never saw paint or powder in its life, I thought, staring at her. Even her lips are white for the want of a bit of colour.
‘We will offer up our prayers also for your special intentions. Now, is that not a wonderful thing?’
‘No,’ I said, looking at her face, wondering why she is getting all confused. ‘Eh, I can’t wait te start praying, Sister!’
‘Yes! Of course!’ she breathed, the smile coming back to her face. ‘Do you have any special intentions you would like us to mention?’
‘Eh, yeah . . .’ I was trying te think, ‘I do,’ I said, me face lighting up at the thought of praying fat Dilly Nugent and the rest of her gang would end up splattered under a bus on O’Connell Street.
‘Well, we shall pray specially for your intentions,’ she breathed, tapping me gently on me shoulder and shaking her head slowly, raising her eyes up te Holy Mary. ‘Oh, now what is your name, dear? Are you from the convent?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Oh, I thought . . . Where are the rest of the girls?’ she said, looking at the window, hearing them cackle with the fellas up on the footpath.
‘They are up there talking te the fellas, the ones hanging around on the corners,’ I sniffed, looking disgusted. ‘The nuns wouldn’t allow that,’ I said. ‘No! Especially as Dilly Nugent seems te know him very well. I heard her asking him when did he get outa the reformatory school! The other fella, the older one, laughed and said he just got outa Mountjoy Prison after robbing an old lady’s handbag in the church . . . while she was praying!’
‘No!’ she gasped.
‘They’re not allowed te talk te fellas, never mind criminals like them,’ I snorted, wondering what she was going te do about it.
‘Indeed not!’ said the woman, lifting her head and shaking her shoulders, making straight for the door.
‘Hello! Are you a new girl?’ a woman asked me, with blackand- grey straight hair cut te her ears and parted te the side, clipped back off her face, like another old-age pensioner who still thinks she’s a girl. More bleeding ‘nuns if they could be’, so the next best thing is te live in the world but keep away from the men and pray all the time, and hit women with their rosary beads when they go astray, chasing after the men.
‘Please come in and don’t stay out there talking to those boys,’ said the woman, sounding very annoyed but getting nowhere with the girls.
‘Yeah! We’ll be in any minute now,’ shouted the girls, laughing and going back te their business of trying te get off with the fellas.
‘They are acting like strumpets!’ snorted the woman, coming back in holding her fists down by her sides then changing her face inta a smile and making for me.
‘Yeah! Strumpets!’ I said. ‘But ye wouldn’t catch me talking te any man.’
‘No,’ she breathed. ‘You are a lovely girl; I can see that straight away,’ she said, leaning her hand on me arm.
‘I haven’t told the nuns yet,’ I whispered, breathing inta her and smelling mints off her breath.
‘Yes?’ she said, all ears, giving me one, cocking her head te the side.
‘I am thinking of becoming a nun,’ I breathed.
‘Oh, how wonderful!’ she said, holding her chest and her breath.
‘Yes, Sister! But not just any order. I am thinking of entering the Brown Carmelites, an enclosed order. Naturally I will be taking a perpetual vow of silence.’
‘Ohhhh, the beauty of it! You will devote your life entirely to prayer!’
‘Yes, Sister. I have been practising by not speaking te the other girls. I came in te see you holy ladies in complete silence tonight!’
‘Ohhhh!’ she gasped, getting weak at the knees.
I stared at her watery faded-blue eyes misting over at the thought of me being so holy. ‘Would you like a cup of tea and some biscuits?’ she said, putting her arm on me shoulder, and I could even smell the mothballs coming off her, too. The black jumper had patches on the elbows. Jaysus! These aul ones would put years on ye, I thought, feeling I was dead and buried already.
‘Yeah, thanks, Sister,’ I said, heading over te the table with the plates of biscuits, while the pensioner with the sweetie-pie smile leaned her face inta me, handing me a white cup and saucer with strong-looking yellow tea.
‘Would you like a biscuit?’ she said, holding out a plate of mixed biscuits, with Kimberley and custard creams and plain Marietta.
‘Yes, please!’ I said, taking the plate, finding it too hard te choose and wanting the lot. Fuck them. They didn’t bother their arse coming in, so I’m going te eat me way through the lot.
‘Yes, em, we do have more,’ she said, smiling at me, creasing her face up and leaning her head over at me.
I grinned back, saying, ‘The girls are probably not in the mood for biscuits anyway, Sister. They have more important things on their mind.’
‘Hm! We shall see about that,’ said the woman, glaring at the window, hearing the cows laughing their heads off at probably nothing.
‘We are ready to read the minutes of the last meeting,’ said one of the other women, coming over and whispering, wringing her hands and looking very worried. ‘The girls care not a jot for what we say to them, Sister Brigid! What shall we do?’ she said, swinging her head around at all the women organising their prayer books and rosary beads, and big books of the minutes probably, and putting new religious pamphlets inta the bookshelves.
‘Goodness! We shall be very late getting the rosary started, Sister Maeve,’ worried another grey-haired aul one, who was probably only in her thirties but made Matron Millington look more in the fashion compared with the get-up she was wearing.
‘Come in here right this minute, girls, or I shall ring the convent and speak to the Reverend Mother.’
I listened te them shouting back they were coming and giving out like mad, not wanting te leave the fellas. I looked up, seeing more pairs a trousers, and said, ‘It looks like a gang of young fellas up there, Sister. I think ye should do something. I think the girls may be in great danger!’ I muffled through a mouthful of biscuits, trying te make short work of the lot, not wanting te leave any for the fat cows.
‘Oh dear! You may be right,’ shivered the Sister with the hair plastered back with the clips.
‘They are not used te being out in the world,’ I said, shaking me head in terrible fear for their souls. ‘They could be lost, lose their souls and end up like Saint Maria Goretti, getting themselves killed trying te protect their virginity!’
‘Oh my goodness! Go out at once and tell them to come in here!’
‘Who? Me?’
‘Yes! You are one of them, they will listen to you, surely?’
‘No, they can’t stand me,’ I said, looking very woebegone. ‘They certainly won’t, Sister. They laugh at me because I get up at the crack of dawn and go te Mass every morning. They jeer me for that, Sister,’ I sniffed, looking very sad.
‘Tut, tut! They are dreadful girls; look at them, Sisters. Brazen hussies! I intend to report them to the Reverend Mother at the first opportunity,’ she huffed, looking out the window at their legs standing close te the trousers. That’s all we could see, and hear the laughing and the pushing and shoving.
‘Oh, brazen hussies, Sisters,’ I said, shaking me head very sadly and looking at them piously. ‘It might be a good idea if we go te a phone box and ring the Reverend Mother right away,’ I said. ‘You never know, they might just get it inta their head te go off with them dangerous-looking fellas! Ye could be doing them a great favour in the long run. Saving them from hellfire and damnation!’
I could get no good outa the aul ones. They stood staring at me after going inta shock. ‘It is yer duty as a . . . Legion of Mary!’
‘Ohhhh, what will we do?’ they whispered, hardly any strength left in them, standing like planks, staring at me with me mouth open, getting no movement outa them.
‘I know the phone number,’ I said te the silence, looking from one te the other, hopeful of getting the fat cows inta trouble.
‘No! If we make a complaint, then they would not be allowed out again, then we would lose them,’ yer woman with the red face said, squinting her eyes, calculating the loss and profit te herself.
I went over te the table and put down the empty plate, picking up a full one and asking the woman staring at me helping meself te more biscuits off the last remaining plate and piling them on me own, ‘Could I have another drop a tea, Sister, please, thanks!’
‘Eh, yes,’ she said, staring at me plate, wanting te tell me te put half of them back.
‘I can’t wait te start the rosary,’ I said, leaning inta her with a big smile, me cheeks bulging with biscuits.
‘Eh, yes!’ she beamed, cheering up at the thought of all the prayers we were going te say.
‘And two sugars, Sister, thanks,’ I said, slipping the last of the biscuits off the plate onta me own.