‘Well, back at last,’ said Miss, opening the back door and rushing in. ‘Oh, brrr! Am I glad to be in out of that!’ she said, rubbing her hands and opening the staffroom door te see if there was anyone in there. ‘We’ll go and find Sister, tell her we are back and let her know what the hospital said. Then I can go and have a nice pot of tea to warm myself. Come on. She may be around the house.’
I followed her up the passage and we bumped inta Sister Eleanor coming off the convent landing on the way down the stairs. ‘You are back, Miss. How did the child get on?’ she said, looking at me bandaged arm.
‘She has a fracture, Sister, a chip of bone broke off,’ she said, taking me arm te show Sister Eleanor.
‘Oh, I knew as soon as I saw it this morning, you poor creature.’
‘Yes, it will be six weeks at least before she can take that off. That’s how long it is going to take for the bone to heal. The doctor said a chip is worse than a break.’
‘Oh no! Does that mean you will not be able to work in the convent?’ Sister Eleanor moaned, looking at me, her face turning red with the annoyance of what this means, and putting her hand te her mouth. ‘What are we going to do about the convent?’ she said, getting very distracted and moving off, muttering te herself.
‘Right so, Sister. I’ll be off now and get a hot cup of tea for myself,’ said Miss, taking off down the corridor.
‘Oh, thank you, Miss,’ Sister Eleanor said, changing her mind about wandering inta the cloakroom and making off down the passage behind the Miss.
I watched them go, wondering what I was supposed te do. ‘What about the pain in me arm?’ I muttered te meself, knowing I was talking te the fresh air and that was the end of that. I can do what I like; she has no time for me now I can’t work. Fucker! I hate nuns! I hate this place. I wandered up the passage feeling cold and tired and sick and in pain, but I didn’t know what I wanted or what anyone could do. I opened the door inta the playroom and looked in seeing the emptiness, feeling the cold. It’s never warm in here. That aul storage heater isn’t worth a curse. We sit up on top of it te get the heat, and she comes in and roars at us te get off. I sat meself down in the armchair and waited, looking around at the wooden partition in the middle of the room and Sister Eleanor’s floor-to-ceiling old pitch-pine press that she keeps all her sweets in.
The time passed and nothing happened. I just sat feeling the nausea in me chest and the pain throbbing in me arm, feeling cold and stiff and not thinking and not expecting anything, just waiting for the time te pass, then something will change. But I can do nothing about anything, just sit and wait and feel the pain and me senses completely numb. Then I had a thought, something good I can do for meself. Tell Sister Eleanor I am not sleeping in the nursery any more. I am going back up te me own dormitory and sleeping in me own bed, and she can find someone else te mind the babies at night.
I heard footsteps outside and the door opened. I lifted me head, seeing the Reverend Mother coming in the door. ‘What is this?’ she said, looking very annoyed and marching over te take in me arm all bandaged and in a white sling. I could smell the disinfectant off the bandage when I moved me arm, reminding me of the hospital. I lifted meself outa the armchair slowly and stood on me feet. Ye have te stand up when she’s speaking te ye.
‘You can’t use that arm?’ she barked at me, looking shocked and pointing te me arm.
‘No, Mother, it’s fractured.’
‘How did that happen?’
‘I fell against the wall in the kitchen passage when I was mopping up the flooding last night.’
‘Oh, really! This is too much,’ she said, shaking heself and wrapping her hands under her cloak. ‘What about your work? The convent?’ she said, glaring at me.
I said nothing, just stared back at her, knowing she knows the answer as well as I do.
‘So what am I going to do about the convent?’ she asked me again, hoping this time the right answer might appear by magic.
Ah, feck off, I thought te meself. She’s acting as if this is all my fault. Like I did it on purpose. I watched her turn away like she had no further use for me and I’m outa her head already. I might as well not be here at all.
‘Really,’ she muttered, opening the door and talking te herself, ‘this is too bad.’ Then she was gone, banging the door after her, leaving me standing here wondering why she didn’t even ask me was I all right.
So, that’s the way it is. I’m only a grand girl and a very hard worker so long as I am useful te them. Now I can’t do anything, they don’t want te know me. They haven’t even bothered their arse te ask me am I in pain. Would I like a cup of tea? Or what about if I give you an aspirin for the pain and put you to bed with a hot water bottle, and you can have the transistor radio to keep you company? I knew it! I fucking knew it! Sister Eleanor wouldn’t treat any of the others like this. When they’re sick, she fusses over them like mad. No! I’m not here long enough for them te treat me as one of their own. I’m nobody, only somebody when I have something te give. They’re just like Jackser and the ma. I sat meself down on the sofa and started te cry with the pain and the shivering feeling inside me. Me head was hot and the rest of me was ice-cold. The painkiller they gave me in the hospital was wearing off, and it felt like someone was sawing off me hand and arm. And I wanted someone te come and mind me, just someone te care, treat me as if I matter te them just for meself, not for giving them things or working hard for them. No! When I get outa here, no one is ever going te get the best outa me for nothing. Fuck them, I sniffed, looking at the sleeve of me cardigan, wondering if I should wipe me snots in it. I did, thinking I have no hankie.