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WE BOTH KNOW THAT BEING in a relationship with a covert narcissist means that we encounter quite a lot of manipulative communication from them. It can be quite difficult to communicate with a covert narcissist, because much of the time we find ourselves trying to figure out how to effectively converse with them, as well as trying to decipher their true intentions, which can differ from what they actually telling us.
You're probably all too aware of the painstaking lengths we have to go to to try and get our partner to understand where we’re coming from. Often, it's just so difficult to get them to understand that what they're saying, or sometimes what they're not saying, can be extremely hurtful. Conversations with a covert narcissist can often seem quite one-sided, and this lack of balance in the relationship can be frustrating to say the least.
In this chapter I'm going to give you some (probably very familiar) covert narcissist ‘speak’, and help you understand what their true intentions are behind this narcissistic way of communicating. The narcissistic ‘speak’ I'm going to discuss is designed to strip you of your sanity, confuse you and get you to question your own recollection of events. A lot of the communication I'm going to outline below can happen when you dare to confront the narcissist about their behavior; the examples in this chapter is the covert narcissists way of gaslighting, although it's worth remembering that the narcissist can utilize this form of manipulation at any given time.
Repetition: Conversations with a covert narcissist are often very repetitive, and rarely do they end in any kind of solution or resolve.
When a covert narcissist is confronted about their behavior, it's often found that they will become defensive, utilizing this repetitive communication in order to bring up other unrelated topics. This is intended to eventually exhaust you into dropping the conversation altogether. This defense mechanism of repetition is also put in place to make you question yourself for even bringing up the topic; the narcissist will make you feel like you are being difficult and have a hard time of letting things drop.
This circular type of conversation can also be seen when the covert narcissist instigates a conversation. These conversations will often be about the same topic, often address in something you may have done to upset them, even if it was years ago. As with a lot of covert narcissistic behavior, it's one rule for the narcissist and a completely different rule for you.
Patronization: A covert narcissist frequently uses a patronizing and condescending tone to evoke a intense reaction from you. Whilst you become flustered and upset, oftentimes the covert narcissist will remain calm, collected and entirely cool. Of course, this lack of emotional response from the narcissist will also frustrate and enrage you, as it’s designed to do. The lack of emotional response from them will leave you feeling like you’re being irrational, and you will feel insulted by their lack of feelings in this situation.
This patronizing tone used by the covert narcissist can be used to discard you, your emotions and your thoughts. This patronizing, crazy-making* tone that you're on the receiving end of can often serve as a good place for the narcissist to start their smear campaign** against you.
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*CRAZY-MAKING DEFINITION: Being purposefully contradictory, manipulative, untruthful and blameful enough to make someone doubt their own sanity. |
**SMEAR CAMPAIGN DEFINITION: A smear campaign, also sometimes referred to as a ‘smear tactic’ or just a ‘smear’, is an effort or a plan to damage or call into question someone's reputation. The individual carrying out the smear campaign does this by touting negative stories, ideas and theories about their victim to others. |
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A SMEAR CAMPAIGN, DESIGNED and put into action by the narcissist, often entails the narcissist informing various other people outside of the relationship about your crazy behavior, and uncontrollable temper. The narcissist can often make you believe that this is the case too, as their patronizing and condescending tone will often evoke a highly emotional response, thus proving their accusations are ‘true’.
Projection: If there's one thing that a narcissist is highly adept at, it's projection. They will often accuse you of doing things that they themselves are doing. This usually happens during a confrontation, and to deflect the narcissist will usually project their behavior onto you.
What makes it all the more frustrating is the fact that being on the receiving end of this, we know that we aren’t guilty of the behavior we are being accused of. This crazy-making tactic from the narcissist is filled with hypocrisy that the narc seems oblivious to. This frustrating irony will invariably cause the victim to respond with the emotional, agitated reaction that the narcissist seeks (which is again, some good cannon fodder for the narc to use against you).
Mask switching: A covert narcissist, like most narcissists, have a number of masks that they utilize depending on any given situation. If the narc feels that they are losing power or control, they may feel the need to switch masks in order to regain the upper hand in the situation.
As the victim, you may see various masks, such as the good guy (the one who will make promises of a brighter future, and express their love for you), the bad guy (the one who dishes out blame towards you and devalues you) and a childlike mask. The childlike mask will see the narc act like they didn't know what they were doing, like they didn't fully understand the consequences of their actions, and their facial expression will also attempt to recreate that of a childlike one.
If a narcissist feels like they have lost control, they will scramble through their collection of masks and wear the one that fits best in accordance to that particular situation. This frantic attempt of clawing back control can often leave you feeling scared, and like you really don't know the person in front of you at all. The sad truth is, really, you don’t know who the real person is behind the masks.
How could you? Which one is real? Are any of them real?
Playing the victim: The covert narcissist is an eternal victim. Their behavior, their lies and their cheating ways, when confronted about, tend to always be a result of something traumatic that has happened in their life.
For example, a struggle with addiction, an abusive childhood, a psychotic ex, pressures at work and parental stresses are all common themes that is narc uses to garner sympathy.
As I've mentioned previously, the covert narcissist will seek out a highly empathetic partner, and as such will use this to their advantage. The victim will undoubtedly feel bad for the narcissist, even when they've done something horribly wrong or unforgivable, because they feel compassion towards them due to their traumatic experiences. This is ideal for the narcissist, especially when the victim feels that they are ‘getting somewhere’ with the narc, and that the conversations they've had in regard to the narcissist’s past is therapeutic for the abuser.
Needless to say, this false sense of bonding with the narcissist is just that: fabricated. No matter how intense a conversation with a covert narc is, including talking about previous trauma and abuse, and no matter how honest the abuser appears, this is just another form of manipulation.
Due to the victim usually having a very empathetic nature, they will often think that a narcissist opening up to them is the relationship getting real and moving on to a deeper level. This ‘victimization’ way to manipulate is ironic, as in reality it's those around the narcissist that are the victims.
Needing basic things explaining to them: Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist means that you may find yourself quite frequently explaining basic human behaviors and emotions.
For example, with my narcissistic ex, I was surprised to find myself having to explain what it meant to be nice to someone. When he was getting to very close with a colleague, and I found out about this, I had to explain what flirting was and how hurtful this was for another person. I also had to explain what constitutes as ‘cheating’. However, ironically, six months prior to this, my ex stopped speaking to me for 4 days after he accused me of flirting with one of his friends. At the time, it didn't occur to me that of course he knows how hurtful flirting is, because he'd accused me of the same thing six months prior - I simply sat him down and explained to him the definition and consequences of flirting.
Often the covert narc expects you to just explain this behavior to them and that’ll prevent it from happening again. As you're probably aware, this behavior doesn't just simply stop because you've explained it to them. You very likely have continued to see the same behavior and issues over and over, regardless of how many times you've explained how this makes you feel.
Yet another ironic factor to this is that the repetition of having to explain yourself gets you frustrated and emotional. This then evokes flustered and hot-headed reactions, which offers the covert narcissist some more ammunition for a smear campaign.
Full of excuses: Because a covert narcissist is never accountable for their behavior, they use excuses as a way to explain their actions. These excuses themselves are enough to drive you insane, but the fact that their words rarely match their behaviors is enough to enrage you.
What can also antagonize you is that the narc will often give you different versions of an excuse, or a few different accounts of what happened. This can go until you either accept one of the versions, or you become so emotionally exhausted that you stop digging.
My narcissistic ex would often stay out until the early hours, not returning home until 5 a.m. after a drinking binge. During these times, I would never know where he was, who he was with or what he was doing. He would rarely reply to my texts or calls, and any communication I got from him would be full of excuses. If he didn't reply to me all night he would tell me his phone battery had died, even though I knew full well it hadn't because when I was calling the phone was ringing. When I asked him where he was, he would tell me he was at his friend Jake’s house, although I knew that was a lie because Jake work nights and he was at work that evening. When confronted with this undeniable fact, my ex would then make an excuse about being so drunk he can't remember where we went after that. When I would then probe why he drank so much he couldn't remember, he would tell me he was so stressed out he was drinking to deal with the pressure.
As you can see, this conversation with my ex turned from something he had done to upset me, to something I should be feeling pity towards him for. When his excuses, to which there were many, weren't duping me, he would resort to victimization tactics.
My ex was also a serial philanderer. When he would get caught cheating, the situation would often go like this:
I would find out about his infidelity, and he would immediately deny this. However, when more evidence would then surface, he would admit to the bare minimum by confessing that it happened - but only once. His cheating would then be blamed on me, as he would accuse me of not giving him as much attention as he needed and not being at home as much as I should.
More information about his indiscretion would come out and I would find out about it. He would then usually blame the other woman, saying he was very drunk and that she came onto him. Yet more incriminating information would surface, and his excuses would keep shifting and changing.
Conversations going nowhere: These are the most draining types of interactions with a covert narc. After this type of interaction, you often question to yourself ‘what was the point in that conversation?’, and you'll realize you've just spent the last few hours in a senseless conversation that achieved nothing.
These draining conversations will also often mean that you spend the next few hours, or even days, going over what was said, in a futile attempt to untangle some meaning from it. These conversations are usually cluttered with unrelated points and topics, meaning it's hard to articulate what exactly the narc was trying to achieve from the interaction.
In a nutshell, it's very common to have lengthy conversations with a covert narc without it going anywhere at all.
Denial of bad behavior: With nothing ever being their fault, the narcissist will deny their poor behavior and instead focus on yours.
If their behavior is in question, they will try to make this invalid by bringing up your behavior or any issues they have with you. These issues that the covert narc has don't even need to be real problems, and they are often something that the narcissist has imagined or made up to use against you.
For example, you may have made a request to your partner that you'd like to stop them contacting their ex fiancé. This may then evoke a response that denies any wrongdoing on their part, whilst then blaming you for doing something similar or worse. When confronted about cutting ties with their ex, the narcissist may respond with something along the lines of ‘you still talk to your ex-husband, so what's the problem?’
Even if you then reassure your partner that you have to speak to your ex-husband because you co parent your children with him, and it's only on that basis, you may be met with an accusatory response from the narcissist. It could go along the lines of ‘how can I trust you? How can I be so sure? For all I know you're cheating on me with him.’
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THE EXAMPLES OUTLINED above may be something that's very familiar to you, and I hope it went someway in helping you decipher the narcissists true intentions from the conversation. I understand just how frustrating and angering it can be to deal with a covert narcissist, but there are ways that you can take back control of the conversation and stop the narcissist dead in his tracks.
This can take some work on your part by actually setting these boundaries in place and refusing to let the narc control the conversation. I’ll cover that shortly, but now I’ll move on to the next chapter, which details the side effects of being with a covert narcissist.