My weekly appointment with Dr. Parelli commenced five minutes ago and started the same way. My blank stare was boring into him. My parents were frightened of me. I saw it every day. If it had been up to me, I wouldn’t have survived to take my first breath. With my fingers laced together, I sneakily stroked my thumb over the bandage on my wrist. They’d caught me before I had a chance to succeed at killing myself.
“How are you feeling today, Cowen?” The doctor put on his best friendly smile. All false caring as he prepared to test me. I knew that’s what he did. The conversations were there in black and white, transcribed pages in his doctor’s scrawl. I’d broken in and listened to each one of the tapes. They never failed to end with a tentative recommendation of commitment to a long-term facility.
I carefully studied him as I analyzed the inquiry about my feelings and I didn’t know how to answer. I sat up straighter in my seat. He’d tried to get me to lie down on the couch—to relax and trust him that he’d make me all better. As far as I was concerned, nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t care what anyone said. This was me for as long as I could remember.
“How did you get along with your classmates this week?”
When he realized that I wasn’t going to answer him, he moved on to another line of questioning. They’d discussed it and decided to send me to public school. A behavioral exercise to attempt to teach me to relate to my peers—learn empathy. I found my fellow students abhorrent. The way they processed things with their feeble minds confused me.
“Acceptable.”
“Cowen, your parents told me about an incident. Why don’t you tell me your side of it?”
The principal had singled me out. As much as I loathed the other kids, they were only a product of their parents. The adults should know better. The incident that the doctor spoke of had quickly been swept away by a quickly-written check.
“I didn’t like him.”
“It had to be more than that. We have to find out your triggers in order to figure out how to process them in a healthy manner.”
“He intruded on my personal space. I warned him before I stabbed him with a letter opener.”
“We’ve spoken about this. Hurting others isn’t the proper response. You state the need for your personal space and people will respect it. Positive reinforcement—”
I zoned out. Why change when my method worked just as well and left a lasting impression. My parents had made it possible to continue with my life without a permanent record or at least one that seemed normal to the outside world. Except I knew they were just waiting for the right moment to lock me up and forget about me.
For now, my actions were manageable, nothing they couldn’t pay people to forget.
“Cowen, tell me about your suicide attempt. This is your second one in two years or were you just trying to self-harm?”
“No, I tried to kill myself, but they found me too soon. Next time I’ll make sure I’m alone.”
Alone time was rare because someone was always watching me. I could pretend to be normal long enough for them to let down their guard. They were stupid enough to be manipulated. It wouldn’t be too hard.
He set his legal pad aside and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and I didn’t like how close he was to me.
“Cowen, all I want to do is help. Whatever is said in this room will stay between us. We need to develop trust between us so that I can help you. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?”
I didn’t answer, but it was there on the tip of my tongue. Yes, I wanted to be just like this.
Patient: Cowen Kingsley – Age 16
His screams were muffled by the balled-up socks I’d stuffed in his mouth as I stood in front of him. I calmly stood and read the newest report. Unlike the ones before, this one included commitment papers, signed by Dr. Parelli and my parents.
“Recommended for immediate commitment as of October twelfth, signed and witnessed by you and my parents. Now, now, doctor, I thought everything that was said in this office stayed between us.”
I waited as if I expected him to answer and the yells rose in volume as I gifted him another slash to his face. I used the bloody tip of my knife to move down the sheet. “Suicidal tendencies. Compulsive self-harm. Psychopathic personality. Narcissistic. Wow, I’m surprised you didn’t run out of paper outlining my many disorders.”
I’d broken into his office just after he’d turned the sign. Picking the lock was easy enough. My parents were currently knocked out from the sedatives I’d slipped into their evening drinks. I noticed the dim light of the desk lamp hitting off the many marks on my forearm, the new ones still seeped blood, and the remembered pain grounded me for the moment.
“Anything to say for yourself, doctor? You had plenty to say about me, so let’s continue shall we.” I eased down in the chair I’d placed beside him. “It is my belief that he will be a danger to society and will never live a productive life. If I had feelings, I’d almost be hurt.” I placed the blade under his chin and tipped his head back.
“It’s people like you who make the unique among us insecure about what is natural for us. Have you seen the hellscape that is our world, doctor? Who are you to say that my homicidal tendencies aren’t a service to the population?”
I loathed society and everything about it. I’d tried to leave it all behind, and all that happened was I’d woken up in the hospital sewn back together. People assumed it was a way to garner attention, but I cared nothing about the opinions of others. The discomfort people felt around me had resulted in me being taken out of school and taught at home.
They all waited for the day I killed, wouldn’t they love to know that the doctor wouldn’t be my first. I’d slit the throat of a man on the street years before. After I’d done it, I’d crouched down beside him in the alley and watched the life slowly drain from his eyes. Tears had flowed down his temples into his dark, unkempt hair. It had been exhilarating, and nothing had made me feel the same since.
“Oh, let us not forget this little tidbit. Sexual sadist. How did we come to believe that I would endure a vulgar act such as sex?”
I felt no pull toward men or women. When I was in school, everyone talked about sex, and I had no compulsion or interest in lowering myself to my baser instincts. Pain was all I needed.
“Do you know that my parents are next? Oh, not right now, but once I’m eighteen, I’ve planned it down to the minute detail. And with all the files and tapes of our sessions disappearing there won’t be one single piece of evidence. I’ll be the perfect angel for the next two years.”
I drew the blade across his throat and watched the skin split in a macabre display as his blood turned his pristine white shirt crimson. Sitting there, I watched until he bled to death bound and gagged on the floor. After he slumped and the last of his life was gone, I removed the evidence that I ever existed. If there was one thing I knew in life, it was how to remove my existence. I was nothing, a mistake of nature and I could accept that when no one else could.