Chapter 18

Sierra swung the bat and felt the hard impact of the ball. Dropping the bat, she ran for first base.

“Go! Go!” the base coach said, urging her on.

“Run, Sierra! Run!” others shouted from the stands as she crossed second.

“Come on, Mom!” Clanton hollered, jumping up and down near third and waving her on. “Go for it! Go for it!”

She rounded third and headed for home. The second baseman caught the ball from the center fielder and was turning to zing it toward home plate. She knew she’d never make it before the ball did. “Oh, Lord, help!” she said. Clanton would never forgive her if she made the last out. Giving it everything she had, she charged ahead, dropping at the last second just as the catcher caught the ball. She plowed right into him, knocking him off his feet. The ball bounced off her helmet as he came down in a heap on top of her.

“Safe!” the umpire shouted amid exuberant laughter.

“That’s the way to do it!” Dennis was laughing as he ran over from his position as coach.

She and the catcher untangled themselves. “What do you think this is, Madrid? The World Series? Or professional wrestling, maybe?”

Rolling over, she made it to her hands and knees. “Sorry, Harry. You okay?”

“I will be in a minute,” he said, flopping over onto his back, arms and legs splayed.

“Don’t worry about Harry.” Dennis grinned, giving her a hand up. “He’s tougher than he looks. He just likes playing for sympathy.”

Harry raised his head off the ground and scowled. “You taught her to slide, didn’t you, O’Malley.”

“My father taught me,” Sierra informed him, laughing. She brushed herself off as her team surrounded her and began beating the dust off with their hats and pounding her back with congratulations.

Harry got up and pulled off his catcher’s mask. “I tell you, there ought to be a regulation against plowing your elders down like bowling pins.”

“Batter up!” the umpire shouted.

As Sierra headed for the bench with her teammates, she heard Carolyn calling her. “Mom! Mom!” Turning, she walked backward and waved. Her heart leaped as she saw Alex sitting in the grandstand next to Carolyn. Where had he come from?

The last inning of the game passed in a blur. She couldn’t pay attention. She hadn’t seen Alex in six months or talked to him in two. Her heart was hammering. Her palms were sweating.

Shame filled her. He couldn’t stop by the condominium, could he? No. Of course not. He had to come to a baseball game looking as if he’d stepped out of GQ and see her wearing faded Levi’s and covered in dirt and grass stains. No makeup. Her hair tumbling down. Dirt under her fingernails and in her teeth after sliding home. Perfect timing. She blew a strand of hair out of her eyes.

“You okay?” Dennis said, putting his hand over hers.

“Alex is here.”

“I wondered who that guy was sitting beside Carolyn.”

“Did you happen to notice when he arrived?”

“About two minutes before you went up to bat.”

“Great,” she muttered, thinking of how she must have looked plowing poor old Harry down at home plate.

Dennis glanced over at the stands. “Did Clanton know he was coming?”

“I didn’t know he was coming.” She took a deep breath, blowing it out through pursed lips, trying to slow her ricocheting pulse. “Kick me if I cry, Dennis. Kick me hard.”

“You cry and I’ll haul you off to the slammer.”

She laughed.

The team gathered in a circle and gave a cheer for the Lutherans they’d been playing. “We only lost by two runs,” Clanton said as Sierra put her arm around his shoulders. “We’ll get them—” She knew the instant he spotted his father. His whole body went rigid.

“It’s okay,” she said softly.

Alex was holding Carolyn’s hand as he walked toward them. He was looking straight at his son. He didn’t even spare a glance at her.

Sierra noticed he’d lost weight, but then, so had she over the past six months. Fifteen pounds, to be exact. Thankfully in all the right places.

“I’m going to help Dennis put the gear away,” Clanton said and started to turn away.

She gripped his shirtsleeve. “You will not.”

“I don’t have anything to say to him.”

“Then you’ll listen.”

Alex looked between them as he came closer. It was hard to miss the fact that she and her son were having a slight difference of opinion. He did look at her then, his eyes narrowed and suspicious. What did he think she was doing? When he stopped in front of them, his eyes flicked over her mussed hair, dusty T-shirt and pants, right down to her scuffed tennis shoes. Her face filled with heat. One side of his mouth tipped. “Good hit.”

“Thanks,” she managed, feeling dismissed.

Courtesy dispensed with, he looked at his son. “You played well out there, Son.” When Clanton didn’t say anything, she saw a muscle tighten in Alex’s cheek. But it wasn’t anger. It was hurt. He looked more vulnerable than she’d ever seen him.

God, please, don’t let Clanton say anything cruel. Please.

Clanton didn’t say anything. He just stood beside her, rigid and silent, her champion.

“What do you say I take you out for a hamburger?” Alex said.

Clanton uttered a soft laugh, glaring up at his father. “The team’s going out for pizza,” he said coldly and looked away.

“Why don’t you join us?” Sierra said impulsively.

Clanton shot a look at her that would have withered an oak. “He doesn’t play baseball,” Clanton said. He looked at Alex again. “He plays around with other women.”

Alex’s face went dark red.

Sierra didn’t know if he was embarrassed or ready to explode with rage.

“You’re such a jerk, Clanton!” Carolyn said, her mouth trembling.

“Shut up! What d’you know?”

“I know more than you do!” she said, her blue eyes filling with tears. “Elizabeth said—” She broke off, paling at the look on Clanton’s face.

“You little Judas!”

Sierra could feel the blood draining out of her face. Was that where Alex took their daughter on Saturdays? On excursions with his mistress?

Clanton took a step toward his sister. “Why don’t you move in with them, you little—”

“That’s enough, Clanton,” Alex said, steel in his voice. He barely spared a glance at Sierra, and she was glad of that. The last thing she wanted was for him to see how much it hurt to know Carolyn had been spending time with Elizabeth Longford. “You’d better learn to accept things as they are.”

“I don’t have to accept anything, least of all you. You’re a cheat and a liar, and I wish you and your girlfriend were dead!” He took off across the baseball field toward Dennis and the other members of the team.

“Mom?” Carolyn said, tears running down her cheeks.

“I’ll go after him,” she said quietly, eager to escape before she made a fool of herself or said something she’d regret. She headed toward her teammates, swallowing the hot tears that were choking her.

“Mom!” Carolyn cried out. She made to follow Sierra, but Alex was holding her hand. “Let go!” she said, sobbing, and pulled free of her father to run to Sierra. “Are you mad at me, Mom?” Tears ran down her cheeks. “Do you hate me?”

“No,” Sierra said, kneeling and pulling her close. She stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. “I just wish things were different, that’s all.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only talked to her the one time. I—”

“Shhh . . . I love you very much, and nothing will ever change that.” She tipped her daughter’s chin and gave her a shaky smile. “You go have fun with your father while I talk to Clanton. I’ll see you later at home.” She kissed her.

“Clanton’s so mean.”

“No, honey. He’s hurt. People say awful things when they’re hurt.” Just as she had. Just as Alex had. Poor Clanton. What chance did he have of being any better than they’d been? “You tell your father how much you love him. He needs to hear that. Now, go on.”

“Sierra,” Alex called. “Wait a minute.” She recognized that tone and wished she could just keep walking. If not for what she’d just said to Carolyn, she’d run. She was reeling inside, her stomach quivering, her eyes hot with tears. She didn’t need a lecture from Alex about what a lousy mother she was or what a lousy wife she’d been.

He looked at her, and she saw something flicker in his eyes. “Where’s the team going? We’ll meet you there.”

No respite for the wicked. Not even privacy to have a good, long cry. “Three blocks down in the shopping center,” she said, forcing herself to speak evenly. “I’ll do what I can, Alex, but I can’t promise . . .” She shook her head and turned away, resigning herself to a painful evening.

Dennis did some long, hard talking to Clanton before they reached the pizza parlor. He knew how Clanton felt; his own father had left his family when he was in his teens.

“I saw him once after he left and told him I hated him. I never saw him again. He died when I was twenty-three.”

Sierra saw how much that confession cost Dennis, as well as the impact it had on Clanton.

“He hurt my mother,” Clanton said. “Every time he calls, he hurts her.”

Sierra blinked back tears. “I hurt him, too, Clanton.”

“Not like he did.” Clanton struggled to contain his emotions, torn between love and loyalty to her and love for his father.

Dennis put his hand on Clanton’s shoulder. “Your father’s hurting himself most of all. He’s cut off from you and your sister. Do you remember what we were talking about the other night at youth group? Everyone sins. No one is perfect. And no sin is greater than any other. When you believe in Jesus, you confess and repent, and He cleanses you. He puts you on the right track. What happens when you don’t have that sustaining faith? You’re cut off from love itself.”

“He’s not repentant,” Clanton said.

“Are you?”

Clanton fought to hold his tears back. “He’s still living with her!”

“And you’re still hanging on to your anger against him. You just wished him dead.”

Clanton hunched over and cried, muttering incoherent words. Dennis cupped the boy’s head and pulled him against his chest. “Give it to the Lord, Clanton. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It still haunts me.” He looked at Sierra, and she saw the tears in his eyes. She also knew her son needed time alone with this man of God.

“I’ll see you inside,” she said, touching her son and then getting out of the van. She knew Clanton would open up more if she weren’t present.

She spotted Alex as soon as she entered the pizza parlor; her instinctive homing device still worked. She could sense his presence anywhere. He was sitting with Carolyn in a booth back in the corner. She wanted to pretend she hadn’t seen them and walk over to the others. The last thing she wanted to do was speak to Alex or think about Carolyn building a relationship with a future stepmother.

Alex was staring at her, and she knew she’d only gain his further ire if she left him to wonder where Clanton was.

Someone called her name. She glanced toward them, forced a smile, and waved. “Be there in a minute.” First things first. She had to set Alex’s mind at rest. She walked over to the table and smiled at Carolyn. “Did you order pizza yet?”

“Pepperoni!” She grinned and took a sip of her soda.

Sierra looked at Alex. “Dennis is talking with him. They’ll be in soon.” His eyes met hers, and she felt his pain. What a tangled mess they’d made of their lives—and dragged their children right into the quagmire with them. “If it doesn’t happen tonight, Alex, we’ll keep trying. All right? Don’t give up on him. Please.”

Again, that look she couldn’t decipher. “I won’t,” he said bleakly.

Smiling tremulously, she left their table and joined the others.

When Clanton came in, Carolyn left the booth so her father could talk to him alone. She came straight to Sierra. “Daddy said he’ll take us to the movies and then to dinner.” She kept up a stream of chatter about her father while Sierra watched Dennis and Clanton sit down in the booth with Alex.

Dennis smiled and talked for a few minutes, undoubtedly trying to put his companions more at ease. Alex responded. She saw him smile. Odd how that hurt. When Dennis left them alone, Alex looked across at his son and started talking. He talked for a long time. Clanton just sat staring at Carolyn’s empty soda glass. After a while, Alex didn’t say anything more. He just sat looking at his son, grief and regret etched in the new lines around his eyes. He said a few more words. Clanton got up and left the booth. Alex raked a hand back through his hair and looked away.

For the first time since he’d left her, Sierra felt compassion for her husband.

Carolyn left with her father. Clanton spent most of the evening talking with Dennis. Noreen came and sat with Sierra. “Children see things in black and white,” Noreen said. “Right and wrong. Good and evil. They’re so sensitive to those things. The older we are, the more shades of gray we see.”

“I don’t know what to do. So much of this is my fault. He wants a divorce.”

Noreen put her hand over hers. “Are you still in love with him?”

Sierra gave a mirthless laugh. “I’ve been in love with Alex for as long as I can remember, and I’ll probably love him until I die. But that doesn’t change anything, does it? He said he’s sick of me and in love with someone else. He’s done everything possible to get me to agree to a divorce. In the beginning, I think I refused because I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. Then it was pure cussed stubbornness. But now? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.”

Noreen squeezed her hand. “I don’t know if this will help you or not, but my parents fought all the time when I was growing up. I used to cry myself to sleep hearing them scream at each other. They said they were staying together for us, my brother and me. I used to wish they’d get a divorce.”

“Did they?”

“No. Never. They’re still together and they’re still fighting. They have other excuses now, and they still embarrass anyone who comes within ten feet of them. I don’t go home very often.”

Sierra remembered the fights she’d had with Alex. They hadn’t screamed at one another, but the cold war had gone on for months at a time. At what cost to their children? She’d been so caught up in her own pain, she’d been blind to theirs. And Alex’s.

Audra’s words came back again, haunting her. “Three years I’ve watched you wallow in self-pity and keep up your temper tantrum. And it’s been something to watch, Sierra. A real show!”

Sierra closed her eyes. God, forgive me. She was right. I behaved so badly, Lord. What can I do to make things right again? How can I make amends?

And the answer came, bringing with it a wave of pain.

Let him go.

Clanton said he had a stomachache, and they went home early. While he took a long, hot bath, she sat in the living room, praying. She knew what she had to do. When she tucked Clanton into bed, she stroked the black hair back from his forehead. “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I’ve made a mess of things.”

“You didn’t.”

“Oh, Clanton, there’s so much you don’t understand. I pushed. I pushed so hard for so long for what I wanted. I never stopped to consider what your father needed. Please don’t do the same thing. You’ll end up losing him the same way I did. He needs you, Clanton. He needs to be able to love you.”

“What about you, Mom?”

“I have you and Carolyn. I have Michael and his family. I have the Lord. What does your father have, Clanton? And I share the blame for it. I want to make things easier for all of us.”

They talked for over an hour, and Clanton agreed he’d talk to his father the next time he called. Relieved, Sierra took a long shower and changed into black leggings and a long forest-green tunic. She was brushing her hair when the doorbell rang.

Alex stood under the porch light, their daughter sound asleep in his arms. “Where’s her room?”

“Down the hall, second door on the right,” she said and stepped back. She watched him carry Carolyn down the hall. She followed, switching on the light. She pulled the comforter back. Alex lay Carolyn down gently so she wouldn’t awaken. Untying her tennis shoes, he slipped them off her feet. Sierra left the room as he drew the comforter up over his daughter and kissed her good night.

Her heart was hammering when Alex came into the living room. He looked around. “You didn’t bring any of the new furniture with you.”

She could tell nothing from his tone, but it occurred to her then he might have wanted some of the things Bruce Davies had brought into the house they’d shared together. She saw another glaring mistake, another selfish act on her part. “Roberta suggested I sell . . .” She shook her head, embarrassed. She couldn’t pass the blame onto Roberta. It had been her own decision, another act of defiance. “I’m sorry, Alex. I never even considered asking if you wanted the furniture Bruce Davies—”

“I didn’t say I did,” he said abruptly. He looked away from her and around the living room. “Reminds me of the house in Windsor.”

His words came back to haunt her: “There’s a right way and a wrong way to decorate.” She looked around, trying to see things from his perspective. She’d kept the sofa they’d bought during their first year of marriage, though she’d recovered it last month with green corduroy. She’d found the brightly colored throw pillows on sale in an import shop. She still had the hatch-cover table. On it was a lead crystal platter with rocks the children had collected from a recent visit to the beach. The old brass lamps Alex had called ridiculous sat on modern end tables on each end of the sofa. She’d polished them to a golden glow and purchased new shades. In the corner, near the front window, was a tall, healthy fern.

It was as far from Bruce Davies’s kind of decorating as you could get. Nothing went together, but somehow the mix made everyone who walked in feel comfortable. At least, they said so. Two had even asked her to help decorate their homes.

But how did it make Alex feel?

“Would you like me to make some coffee?” she said for want of anything else.

“It’s a little late for coffee.”

It was a little late for everything. Conceding, she nodded sadly. “I guess it is.” She picked up the long white envelope from the kitchen counter. “I had a long talk with Clanton this evening after we got home. I think he understands things a little better now.”

“Understands what?” Alex said, dark-eyed.

“That our marriage breaking up wasn’t solely your fault. He’ll talk with you the next time you call.” Taking a breath, she took a few steps toward him and held out the envelope.

Eyes narrowed, he took it. “What’s this?”

“The divorce papers you gave me. I signed them tonight. You can have your divorce, Alex. I won’t fight you anymore.” She hadn’t realized the cost of those words, nor had she expected to see the look that came into his eyes. He wasn’t relieved. As he searched her face intently, she used every ounce of her will to keep the tears back and to appear calm and accepting.

Oh, God, be with me. You are my hiding place. You are my shield, my ever-present help in times of trouble. And this hurts more than I ever thought possible.

“Why now?” Alex said roughly.

“Because it’s time.” A time for all things. A time to love. A time to let go. A time to move on with her life and allow Alex to move on with his. “It would’ve been easier on everyone if I’d done as you asked in the first place. I was hanging on to my anger. And false hopes. I know now it only made things worse. For everyone.”

He looked at her for a long moment. “You’ve changed.”

“I hope so.”

He tucked the envelope inside his jacket pocket. She’d never seen him look so grim. He started to say something but shook his head. He walked to the door, opened it, and went out without a word. She closed the door quietly behind him and leaned her forehead against it.

I’ll trust in You, Lord, no matter how much it hurts. I’ll trust You.

When next Alex called, Clanton answered. Alex picked him up on Saturday and they spent the full day together, the first since Alex had left.

We are laid by in Ragtown with twenty other wagons.

There is water here and the animals have good grazing. James is letting me handle replenishing the supplies while he has the wagon refitted. And I am getting my wash done. The place is named for all the clothing hanging on bushes. Even unmentionables. It is a sight to see!

The Randolph party is heading out along the Truckee River tomorrow. They are eager to reach Sutter’s Fort. They are answering Sutter’s call for settlers. Several of the men here are Ohio farmers. The blacksmith with them fixed the rims on our wagon and sold us some spare bolts.

I was hoping we would be traveling on with the Randolph party. It seems to me the more people the less chance of trouble, but James thinks differently. He wants to wait and give the oxen time to fatten for the assault on the Sierras. The others agree. Kavanaugh gives no opinion one way or the other. I think he would speak up if it was a poor idea. So I am somewhat comforted. Joshua is angry. He is eager to see what is over the mountains. I suppose it is a good thing we are waiting another day or two. Nellie should be stronger by then. Another day in that desert and we would have been burying her. Nellie asked me to pray for her. All I could do was take her hand and say God help us. She seemed satisfied with that. She keeps on reminding me God has helped us this far. And I keep telling her we are not at the end of the trail yet.

Our oxen have good grazing here. James is cutting grass and bundling it for fodder. It was good he did that along the Humboldt or the animals never would have made the last forty miles.

I look up at the mountains and wonder if we can make it before winter hits. The wagon master of the Randolph party told us not to wait longer than a week. He said a party went through two years ago and got trapped in the winter snows. Most of them died and those that did not were reduced to eating their kin. After hearing that story, I was ready to pack up our gear and set out right then.

Kavanaugh rode ahead to find an easier route over the mountains.

Joshua went with him. They have been gone four days. I am afraid something has happened to them. James said we will follow the trail left by the Randolph party until we hear otherwise.

It is hard going. We crossed the Truckee four times and now have to dismantle the wagon and haul it up the mountain. Binger cracked two ribs when the windlass came loose, but we did not lose his wagon. Plenty of wood for a fire. The air is cold at night and the days are getting shorter. Joshua is keeping us in fresh food. He shot a deer. I have strips of meat drying on the wagon as we travel.

I heard the most fearsome noise last night. Kavanaugh said it was a puma. I asked him what a puma was and he said it is a mountain lion. James spotted a bear crossing the meadow this morning. I knew something was in the wind because the oxen were nervous. Kavanaugh put himself between the wagons and the bear and had his Sharps ready. That huge beast reared up on its back legs and scented the wind. I am thankful he knew better than to come closer.

Kavanaugh just told me to pack the drying meat away or the bear will come in for it. I have done so.

James is standing guard. Stern will take the watch in another two hours. The children are settled under the wagon and sound asleep. I can not sleep a wink for fear of that bear.

It has been so long since I have felt safe. The last time I can remember was when I was a child and my mama was still alive and well. I never knew the dangers that were around me while she lived. She was not even much afraid when the Sioux and Fox Indians were warring. She always said God was with us. I can remember hearing people talk about Black Hawk, but I was never afraid. I knew Mama and Papa would take care of me. And I knew God would too. I remember thinking Papa was the strongest man alive. All that changed so fast when Mama died. The McMurray family unraveled.

Sometimes I find myself wondering how Mama felt about being so far from Galena and her dear sister. She lost three children on that homestead. I was too young to remember how they died or when. But I remember the markers. Mama never talked about them other than to say I would meet two sisters and a brother in heaven someday. I remember Mama talking about Aunt Martha, too, but I can not remember a single time when she talked about the life she led in Galena. And it must have been a charmed life with church socials and quilting parties and afternoon teas. She never talked much about my grandmother and grandfather either except to tell me they both believed in Jesus and were in heaven and I would meet them someday, too. Aunt Martha told me my grandfather made his money as a smelter and Grandma was a Good Christian Woman. She died of consumption just like Mama did and my grandfather died of brain fever.

I never thought to ask more. I was so young and it never seemed to matter.

Now I have a hundred questions and will never know the answers to the least of them.

The weather is turning cold. Beth is down with fever again. I wish Doc was here to tell me what to do. I dont want to lose her like I lost my little Deborah.

Beth seems better. It snowed today. It did not stay on the ground around us but was still worrisome. We can see the mountains white above us. I have never seen anything so majestic and beautiful or terrifying. Kavanaugh said we have to push harder and make the foothills before the snows move down.

James is sick with mountain fever. Matthew and I are driving the wagon while Hank tends what few stock we have left and Beth sees after her father. Nellie is weak with dysentery.

Kavanaugh has sent Joshua ahead with Binger Siddons and Ernst Holtz. They can move faster without us and bring us help.

I could not help but cry when Joshua rode out of sight. He is slipping away from me a little more every day and I do not know how to hold him. James says I have to let go of the boy. My head knows it, but my heart says different.

I was his age when Sally Mae pushed him into the world. She died without ever looking at him. All his life I have loved him. In a strange way he is more part of me than my own babies. Maybe I love him so much because I had to fight so hard to keep him alive. I dream sometimes of him laying in his mother’s blood crying. I took him to my heart then and will bear him there until my days end. He clung to life when his mama did not care and his father wanted him dead. Now he is hungry for more of life and I am afraid to let him go and find it. What I fear most is he will ride away and never come back. Just like Matthew did.

Kavanaugh touched me last night. It was just a brush of his hand over my hair as I was sitting near the fire worrying about James. I know he did not mean for me to know he touched me. But I felt it just the same. Feelings came up inside me I can’t describe.

I did not look up at him afraid of what I would see in his eyes or he would see in mine.

I have wondered on occasion why he agreed to be scout for us and then why he said he decided to come along to California. Now I know. Maybe I knew the moment he looked at me in that mercantile back in Independence and I have just been fooling myself.

And James knows too or he would not have said if he dies I will be safe with Kavanaugh.

James is sleeping better since his fever broke and I am much relieved though still worried about him. He is slow in getting his strength back. Beth is doing better than her father. The mountain air seems to agree with her. She gathered flowers today and made a wreath for me. She is a dear thoughtful child who always wants to please everyone. She watched over Deborah. Now she seems to watch over me.

Matthew likes to tell stories. He is good at it. He will be happy when we get our land and I can dig through the trunk Aunt Martha bought me. His books are in it.

Nellie lets me read from her Bible in the evening. It is noisy getting started because everyone wants to hear their favorite. Beth likes the story of Ruth best. Nellie’s favorite is Esther. The boys would rather hear the battles of King David. Wells likes the story of Gideon. He says it shows how God can take a cowardly farmer and turn him into a mighty warrior able to save an entire nation from destruction. James says he just likes hearing me read.

A great valley stretches out before us and the land looks rich and green from fall rain. Joshua has come back to us and says we are three days from Sutter’s Fort.

We are all thankful the journey is almost over.

We had happy surprises when we arrived at Sutter’s Fort. Virgil Boon and Ruckel Buckeye are here. They had a falling out with MacLeod and left the train at Fort Hall. They followed the Snake south and followed the Humboldt by the same route we did, but they took the Carson River route over the mountains. They said they passed one of the most beautiful lakes in God’s creation.

They reached the fort two days ahead of us.

Wells and Nellie are going to take land north of Sutter’s Fort. They take the ferry across the river tomorrow.

I am much aggrieved. I thought we would live near the Doanes who have become such wonderful friends. But James told me this morning he has decided we will go clear to the Pacific. Sutter bought Fort Ross from the Russians and says the land is rich there for farming.

If there is a ship waiting, my husband will want to board and sail until we reach China! And if he does, he will be going on alone.

We said good-bye to the Doanes this morning. I have been crying all day. James is not saying much. He is wise to keep his silence.

Joshua and Kavanaugh have gone ahead to see the lay of the land.

We saw Indians today. They are of the same kind we saw working at Sutter’s Fort. They were gathering grain and roots in the marshes.

The wind and rain is bitter cold. We have crossed a range of hills and come into another valley. Mexicans came upon us and said the land is taken by Mariano Vallejo. They said we are welcome to come and winter at his rancho. James assured them we are only passing through and thanked them for their kind invitation. He told them we are heading north until we find the Russian River. He asked where is a good crossing and they told him. Sutter told us the river will be low enough to cross easily if we reach it before the heavy rainfall. Joshua has gone ahead to see if that is so.

The Russian River was wide but not too deep to ford. A day after we crossed, the skies opened up and it has been raining heavy upon us ever since. The river swelled so fast I could scarce believe it. Nellie would say God was with us and that’s why we made it across.

Matthew is sick with fever. I have a touch of it myself.

Each day gets harder.

We are wintering in a valley northwest of the Russian River. The Russian Fort is still days away, but I can go no further. I was sick in the wagon the day the decision was made to stay here. The cramps were hard upon me and I was sure I was going to lose the baby. We stopped mid day to let me rest. When we started out in the morning, there was a crack and the wagon dropped. When it did, two wheels split.

Our axle is broken and two bolts are missing. James and the children have looked all day for them and can not find them and we have no spares.

I have not said so, but I am relieved we can go no further. If the axle had not broken, we would still be westering. It is like a fever in James. He thinks what is over the next mountain will be better than what is here. This is good land with timber for building and plenty of water. What more does he want?

Kavanaugh is gone. He and James had a falling out. It almost came to blows. It all started because James wants to go on to Fort Ross. He was all for leaving the wagon and packing the rest of the way but Kavanaugh would not let him. He said—Mary Kathryn has gone as far as she can go, man. Have you no eyes in your head? And James got all red in the face and told him I was none of his business. Kavanaugh said that might be so, but it was time to build a shelter and wait out winter. James accused him of tampering with the wagon. Kavanaugh said nothing to that. James ordered him to leave. So he did. He got on his horse and rode away without so much as a by your leave.

I wonder if he did do what James says. If so, I am grateful to him. This child bears down upon me as the others never did. Another day and I would have lost it and maybe died as well.

James is talking about building a cabin. It will be hard work, but I am eager to have a roof over my head again. I do not want this baby born in a covered wagon.

I am feeling much stronger. Staying in one place does wonders for a body. James still talks of moving on after the baby comes. I hope he will change his mind.

I keep telling him this is good rich, dark soil, with plenty of earthworms and few rocks. We will not find better to build our home.

James has started breaking the wagon down. He is going to rebuild it into two carts like the Mormons use. He said we still have two good wheels and not much left to carry. I guess I will be walking again.

We ain’t going anywhere. Looks like we are just going to die right here. One by one.

James is dead.

I dont know what to do.

I can make no sense of anything. I can not even think.

God, why do you hate me so much?