Chapter 20

Sierra had always loved walking along Mathesen Street in the fall. The trees were orange and gold, the light breeze crisp, the air clear. She’d taken the children down to the Plaza and bought them donuts from the deli while they wandered around, looking in shop windows.

Now, going up the steps of the old house, she felt the tug of grief again. When they drove up the drive last night, she’d expected to enter a cold, empty house. Instead, someone had turned on the furnace. A fire was going in the parlor, the screen in place and wood in the basket. In the kitchen was a Pyrex dish of warm enchiladas and a note from Alex’s mother.

We look forward to seeing you and our grandchildren tomorrow. Dinner at three.

Love, María and Luís

She called them to let them know she and the children had arrived safely and to thank them for their thoughtfulness. “Your brother gave us the key,” María said. “We left it under the mat on the back porch.”

She called her brother to let him and Melissa know she’d arrived. “We’ll come by tomorrow morning,” Mike said. “There’s something I need to talk over with you. It’s important.”

“What time?”

“Eleven. We’re supposed to go to Melissa’s parents for turkey dinner. We’ll have to leave by one to get there on time.”

“Eleven it is.”

She and the children had just shrugged out of their coats when Mike unlocked the door and his family poured in. For a few minutes, all Sierra could hear were the excited voices of reuniting cousins. She kissed her niece and nephews and announced she had brought back a bag of donuts from the deli.

Mike got right to the point. “A couple wants to buy the house and turn it into a bed-and-breakfast.”

Sierra’s stomach dropped. “Buy the house?”

“They’ve been looking for property in the area for over a year. They liked this house. Apparently they stopped by once, and Mom invited them in for coffee and cookies. She gave them the grand tour but said she wasn’t interested in selling. She told them to check back in a year or two. They took her at her word and came by a week ago. When they found out Mom had passed away, they traced me through the church pastor.”

“Did you tell them we don’t want to sell?” Sierra said.

Mike exchanged a look with Melissa. He sat down and leaned forward, his hands clasped between his knees. “No, I didn’t. I wanted to talk it over with you first.”

“I thought you loved the house as much as I do.”

“I do, Sis, but I’ve already got a home in Ukiah. My business is there. If I were to sell out and move, I’d want to go farther north to Garberville. Or Oregon. I haven’t the money to hang on to this place for sentimental reasons.”

Sierra got up and walked over to the fireplace. She ran her hand along the dusty mantel and looked at the old Seth Thomas mantel clock. It had run down months ago. Even with the furnace on, the house had a musty smell of disuse.

“The only other alternative is to rent the place out, and I don’t want to do that either. I’ve heard nothing but horror stories from friends who’ve rented property and had their places destroyed. The law being what it is, someone can move in and wreck a place before you get them out.”

Melissa rose. “I’ll make some coffee,” she said softly and left the room. Sierra knew her sister-in-law was making it clear to both of them that she had no say in their decision. It was up to them what they did about the house.

Her family had lived in Sonoma County for over a hundred years. Mary Kathryn McMurray had been the first one to put down roots in the fertile soil now covered by tract houses. Ah yes, Mary Kathryn McMurray, who had come with all the eagerness and joy that she herself had felt when Alex had moved her to Los Angeles!

“Do you want the house, Sis?”

Oh, God, do I have to give up my home? You know how much I love this old house. What do You want me to do?

Again, the answer was clear. Let go.

“Sierra?”

She leaned her head against the edge of the mantel. What choice was there? “No matter how much I want it, it’s beyond possible. I don’t have enough left of my inheritance to buy out your share in it, and then there are the taxes.” She lowered her hands and turned. “And I just bought my condo. I’d take a loss if I tried to sell it now with the market being what it is. That’s why I got it for such a good price in the first place. And then, if it did sell, I’d be out of work up here.”

“Do you want the house?” he said again.

She knew her brother would bend over backward to make things easier on her, even at cost to his own family finances. “I want what’s best for all of us,” she said quietly.

“So what do you think that means?”

She forced a smile for his sake. “What’s this couple like?”

A look of relief filled her brother’s face so that she knew exactly what he wanted. No more burdens to bear. And could she blame him? She was the one living in Los Angeles, too far away to pitch in and help with maintaining the house. He had been taking care of everything since their mother had died.

“They’re nice people, in their midforties, financially set. They’ve been living in San José for the past twenty-two years. They have two children, a boy and girl. The boy’s off at Bible college studying to be a pastor. The daughter’s married with a baby on the way. Jack’s hobby is woodcrafting, and Reka’s into gardening.”

Sierra thought of her mother’s backyard going wild. It would be nice having someone pour love back into it and make it bloom again. Hadn’t Mom invited these people in for coffee and cookies and given them a grand tour? Hadn’t she been the one to say come back in a year or two? She’d known she’d be gone by then. Full realization struck her, tightening her throat with tears. “It’s just like Mom to tie up all the loose ends, isn’t it?” she said with a smile.

“Yeah,” Mike said, his voice husky with emotion.

“So,” she said more lightly. “Do you have their number?”

He nodded.

“Why don’t you call and ask if they’d like to come up on Saturday and we’ll talk turkey.”

He laughed, his eyes moist. “Sure.”

She debated telling María and Luís the next day. They were upset enough over Alex’s broken marriage, without adding to their worries of never seeing their grandchildren. One word about selling the Mathesen Street house and Thanksgiving would be ruined for María, who lived for her children and grandchildren.

There were a dozen running around when Sierra arrived. Clanton and Carolyn piled out of the Saturn and joined in the games. They remembered their Spanish, picking it up as though they’d been jabbering it nonstop at home.

Luís hugged her tightly when she came into the house and then kissed her on both cheeks. She hadn’t seen him since Alex had left her, and his greeting brought a lump to her throat. María was right behind him, crying, and talking in rapid-fire Spanish.

Alex’s brothers and sisters treated her with the warmth they always had. His older brother, Miguel, a vintner for one of the Sonoma wineries, even flirted outrageously with her. His sister, Alma, let it slip that Alex had brought Elizabeth Longford home for a few days to meet the family.

“Papa wouldn’t let them stay here. He said Alex could take her to a motel room, but he wouldn’t have them sleeping together under his roof. Alex rented a suite at the Doubletree. She refused to come back with him the next day. Alex and Papa had words. He’s called and talked to Mama, but I don’t think he and Papa have talked since.”

Grandfather. Father. Son.

Sierra changed the subject, but Alex’s name kept coming up. And then he called. He talked to his mother. Then he talked to Clanton and Carolyn. Papa went outside for a walk. When he came back, Alex had long since hung up. For the rest of the evening, she could feel Luís watching her. María, too.

God, how much we hurt others without even thinking about it. We think we can make a decision without it tearing other people’s hearts in two.

Sierra took Clanton and Carolyn aside when she found an opportunity. “How would you feel about coming and spending a few weeks with your grandparents next summer?” From their eager responses, she knew she could approach Luís and María about the idea. She found the chance while helping María wash and put away dishes.

“Would you and Luís like to have Clanton and Carolyn spend a few weeks with you next summer?”

María started to cry. “Sí, sí,” she said. “As often as possible. What about Christmas?”

Sierra hugged her. “We can’t come Christmas, Mama. We’re in a pageant at the church. Easter. We’ll come for Easter, if that’s all right with you.”

“Sí. You come home Easter.”

Most of the relatives had already headed home to Santa Rosa or Cloverdale or the Bay Area where they lived. Clanton and Carolyn were the last of the younger generation lounging around in the small, neat country house on the edge of the vineyard.

“The family is scattering,” María said, teary as each one left. “Alex off in Connecticut—”

“Mama!” Luís hissed and gave Sierra an apologetic look.

“It’s all right, Papa,” Sierra said, trying to ease their discomfort. “I know about it.” The children reported everything, even when she wished they wouldn’t.

Luís walked her to the car. “When are you and the niños leaving?”

“Sunday morning. Early. It’s a long drive.”

“I’m going to six o’clock Mass.” He looked old—old and hurt—and she loved him unbearably.

She kissed his cheek. “We’ll meet you there.”

He cupped her cheek. “My son is a fool.”

Sierra’s eyes filled. “No, Papa. I was the fool.”

Dear Lord, since that bear I have been thinking.

And I have been looking and seeing lots of things different from before. It is like something changed inside me. It seems to me everything around me now cries out You are here. You have put Your stamp on every created thing. I can hear Mama from so long ago pointing out flowers and trees and birds and animals and saying how they are all gifts from You. She said to me once that You decorated the world from the depths of the sea to the heavens just for us.

Maybe I am wrong, but I do not think You did all that purely for our pleasure. I think now You did it so we could see You.

I see things differently now, Lord, and spent a good part of my day choked up with grief over the hard things I have said about You.

It rained today and I kept thinking how it washes everything clean and the earth drinks and becomes fertile. Aunt Martha used to talk so much about the Word being a double-edged sword revealing to us our sins so that we could confess and ask forgiveness and receive Your Mercy and Grace. The so that part always eluded me. Now it seems to ring in my ears day and night.

And I was thinking too about time. I suppose You do not have need of it, being God and all, but I am glad I have more of it.

The fog last night reminded me of how clouded my thinking has been where You are concerned, Jesus. I could feel the oppressing Fears that have been my companion for so long closing in again like that misty gray blanket. I was awake most of the night worrying over so many things. And then Dawn came pink and orange and took my breath away and the fear with it. How could I think of dying and my children starving before such Glory?

A good night’s sleep is a precious thing, Lord. Sometimes I am so tired I ache for rest and sink into a cottony place where even hard ground feels like a feather bed. Maybe tonight will be like that now that I have told You what has been on my mind.

I guess if You heard my prayer over that bear, Lord, You can hear me about this. We are hungry, Jesus. We made do with two fish Hank caught today, and I am thankful to You for them. But it is not enough to keep us going. So, I am asking You again to save us from death. Please, Lord, help us again or we will starve just like those poor folks who did not make it through the mountains.