Chapter 22

The children reported everything to Sierra whether she wanted to hear or not. “Dad rented some furniture,” Clanton said after his first visit. “He’s got a new couch and a couple of swivel rockers. He bought a whole wall setup with a big-screen television and stereo, and you should see his computers!”

Carolyn was more impressed with the white rats he’d purchased for her and kept at his place. “They’re so cute, Mom. I call them Peaches and Cream. They’re both males, so we won’t have any babies.”

“Well, that’s nice.”

“And he has an aquarium. Just a little one for some pretty goldfish.”

Lures.

Clanton and Carolyn began spending more and more time with Alex. They’d come home from school, scarf down snacks, rattle off some news, whiz through their homework, and take off for his condo. She began wishing she’d said no. She missed the sound of their voices, even the strident ones when they were fighting. Sometimes she resented how eager they were to be with him, and then she was always struck with guilt afterward. Sometimes she found herself aching with loneliness.

Is it a sin, Lord? You’re supposed to be enough. I love You. I do. Help me to accept these changes and not be so jealous and needy. Help me to know in my heart You are sufficient. Help me rest in You.

Choir helped. On those evenings, she and the children walked to church together and then went out to a family café afterward for a late dessert. Sunday was the one precious day a week, for she had the children all to herself. They went to church early and didn’t get home until almost one in the afternoon. After a late lunch, she walked back to church with them so they could take part in the youth activities and she could attend the evening Bible study.

Gradually, she felt less alone. She used the time the children were away to study and finish all the little projects she’d laid out for herself but never had time to do. She turned on the radio and listened to a Christian station that played contemporary rock, free to sing along without anyone listening to her but the Lord.

Christmas drew closer. Rather than be elated, she was depressed. All her shopping was done, the packages wrapped and hidden in her bedroom closet and under the bed. The children knew better than to go poking around in her room after Thanksgiving. She’d begun addressing Christmas cards the first week of December and had started her letters. She always wrote to everyone. It was the one time a year when she could catch up on all the news from friends and family.

Ron called again. “You sound a little down.”

“I’m writing Christmas letters, and I get a little depressed every time I have to write, ‘Mom died of cancer, and Alex and I got a divorce’ over and over again. Just the sort of glad tidings friends like to read at Christmastime.”

“Would a proposition help cheer you up?”

Her mouth twitched. “That depends.”

“Strictly honorable, I assure you. I’m having a Christmas fund-raiser at the Hyatt Regency, and I’m in desperate need of a pretty hostess.”

“To serve drinks and appetizers?”

“No. To stand beside me and greet guests, the kind of guests who have lots and lots of money and love giving it to good causes like Los Angeles Outreach.”

“Are any movie stars going to be there?” she said, teasing.

“A few.”

“You’re kidding!”

“I take it you might be interested.”

She feigned hesitation. “Well, I don’t know. Is Hugh Jackman attending?”

“No.”

“Then I don’t—”

“I’m begging.”

She laughed. “I’d love to help out and you know it. How dressed up do I have to get?”

“Very. I’ll be in a tux.”

Ron gave her the details. He would pick her up early. The fund-raiser included a full-course dinner and dancing. “It’ll go until the wee hours,” he warned her.

Clanton was just going out the door when she hung up the telephone. “Honey, would you tell your dad I need to talk to him? It’s important.”

The telephone rang a few minutes later. “What’s up?” Alex said.

“Can the children spend the night with you on December 21?”

“Spend the night? Where are you going to be?”

“At a fund-raiser with Ron. He said it’ll be late before I get home.”

“I haven’t got any extra beds.”

He sounded so cold. “Maybe I can borrow a couple of sleeping bags.” Maybe he had made other plans, plans she didn’t want to hear about. “Never mind, Alex. I should’ve thought it through before asking you. Carolyn’s been wanting to spend the night with Susan, and Clanton can always go to—”

“I’ll stay with them over there,” he said firmly. “We’ll do something fun for the evening, and I’ll wait at your place until you get back.”

“It’s going to be very late, Alex.”

“You’ve got a comfortable sofa.”

“Are you sure?” He sounded less than pleased about the whole thing.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Taking a deep breath, Sierra called Audra and told her she’d been invited to a formal fund-raiser and was going to be acting as hostess. “I need to find a dress.”

“How much can you spend?”

“Don’t even think about Rodeo Drive.”

“What size are you?” When Sierra told her, she said, “Great. You can borrow one of my gowns. When can you come over?”

By the time Sierra got there, Audra had already picked out the dress she thought Sierra should wear. After seeing the others, Sierra had to admit she liked it the best. It was a deep-red velvet that fit her perfectly. “I bought it for a Christmas party four years ago and never wore it,” Audra said, admiring it on Sierra. “My feet are a little bigger than yours, but I know just where you can get some satin pumps and have them dyed to match,” she said while snapping on a gorgeous necklace that glittered like diamonds.

“These aren’t real, are they?” Sierra said, fingering it.

“Zirconia. Stop sweating.” She handed her matching pierced earrings and then helped her snap on the bracelet. Stepping back, she looked her over. “Perfect. It looks better on you than it did on me.” She went back into her closet and came out with a fur coat.

“Not on your life!” Sierra said, backing up. “Absolutely not, Audra. If I damaged it or it got lost, I’d kill myself.”

“I thought you were going to say something about all the little animals that lost their lives to make it.”

“Well, that, too,” Sierra said, making a quick calculation. It would take a lot of cute little minks to make that coat.

“That’s what I told Steve, but men just don’t think about those things when they’re trying to show the world how successful they are.” She carried it back into the closet. “I wear it to the opera once in a while just so he won’t get upset about it. No one harangues me there. Oh, good! I knew I bought something to go with that dress.” She came back out with a red velvet, satin-lined cape. She draped it over Sierra’s shoulders and took a step back. “Take a look at yourself.”

Sierra did, and her mouth dropped open. She looked like someone else, someone who’d stepped out of a fairy tale. “I remember feeling this delight as a little girl up in the attic dressing in grown-up clothes with my best friend.” Laughing, she looked at Audra in the mirror. “What do you think?”

“I think you look fantastic. Does Alex know you’re going to this affair with Ron Peirozo?”

“He’s babysitting.”

Alex came early on the night of the fund-raiser. She’d told him Ron was picking her up at five, and he arrived an hour early.

“Mom, Daddy’s here.”

“Ask him if he’d like a soda, honey. I’ll be out in a little while.”

Nervous and excited, she had already bathed and was fixing her hair in a loose French braid. She put on a little makeup, then dabbed on Shalimar before she stepped into her dress. Slipping into the red satin shoes, she put on the jewelry. She was ready half an hour before Ron was expected.

“Mom, you look so pretty!” Carolyn said as she came into the living room.

Sierra smiled, gratified that at least one person in the room noticed the change in her. Alex just stared at her. He didn’t say anything. What had she been hoping? That his mouth would fall open and his tongue loll out? She put the red cape carefully over the back of a chair.

“Where’s Clanton?” she said as she laid her gloves and a red, beaded purse Audra had found on top of the cape.

“Brady’s,” Carolyn said. He was a friend Clanton had met at church who happened to live in the complex. “He said he’d be home in a few minutes. He’s borrowing a video game. Are those diamonds, Mom?”

“No, honey. I wouldn’t put my toe out the door if they were.”

Carolyn looked at her father. “Don’t you think she looks pretty, Daddy?”

Blushing, Sierra avoided Alex’s eyes.

“Sí, tu mamá es muy hermosa,” he said softly.

Her heart tripped as she looked at him. She looked into his eyes and saw he meant every word.

Carolyn picked up her backpack and headed for her room. Sierra turned, tensing. “Where are you going, honey?”

Carolyn glanced at her dad. “I’ve got some homework to do.”

“Tonight?”

“Just for a while. Daddy’s taking Clanton and me to Magic Mountain. I guess I should take a bath, too.”

Sierra looked back at Alex and saw the sad smile touch his mouth. “She was watching The Parent Trap a few days ago.”

She put her hand over her stomach. “Great,” she said dully.

He noticed the gesture. “Are you nervous?”

“A little.” Less about going out with Ron than she was seeing that look in Alex’s eyes. She let out her breath and came around the chair to sit down. The hatch-cover table was between them. She liked having something between them.

Alex’s eyes narrowed slightly. “How well do you like this guy?”

This guy? “Ron’s one of my best friends.”

“How does he feel about you?”

She blushed. “Why are you asking?”

“You quit working for him. I’m curious why.”

She almost told him it was none of his business. Considering his own behavior, he had a lot of nerve to ask any questions. Instead, she curbed her anger and decided to be honest. “I left because I knew if I stayed, I could end up in an affair with him.”

Alex’s eyes darkened, not with anger, but with pain. “The way I did.”

“I don’t want to talk about the whys and wherefores of you and Elizabeth, Alex.”

“Neither do I. I want to talk about you.”

“What about me?”

“You look . . . radiant,” he said heavily. “Are you in love with this guy?”

There it was again, that tone. Was he baiting her? “I was in love with you, Alex,” she said before she thought better of it. She paused, drawing in a steadying breath. This situation was impossible! “I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that again about anyone. And if I did, I think I’d run as fast as I could to get away from it.”

“The way you ran from Peirozo.”

She could feel the prick of tears and fought them. “Are you deliberately trying to spoil my evening, Alex? I like Ron. He’s kind and fun. I’m looking forward to this evening. I’ve never been to anything like this. I just want to enjoy myself. Don’t you think I have that right?”

“Don’t cry,” Alex said softly. “I wasn’t asking to ruin your evening, Sierra.”

“Why are you asking?”

“Because I don’t want to see you hurt.”

She gave a bleak laugh. She had never heard such a flimsy excuse in her life. Especially from him. “You hurt me, Alex. Ron doesn’t have that kind of power over me.”

He leaned toward her, eyes intent, searching. “Don’t go out with him tonight.”

Looking into those dark depths, she remembered everything from the past. She knew why he warned her. When they were young and deeply in love, when her emotions had crested over some crisis, real or imagined, Alex had been the one to catch the wave and ride the passion.

“I’m not your concern anymore, Alex. I haven’t been for eight months.” Why should those words bring that wounded worried look into his eyes? She felt compelled to set his mind at ease and gave him a tender smile. “Someone told me to grow up. I have.”

The doorbell rang.

A muscle jerked in his cheek and he stood up. “I’ll tell him you’re not feeling well.”

She stood as well. “No, you won’t.” Truth have it, she wasn’t, but she had no intention of leaving Ron high and dry. This fund-raiser was far too important to him and his work. “I feel fine, Alex.”

“You’re pale.” He turned his head sharply as the door was unlocked. “What’d you do? Give him a key?”

“Hey, Mom!” Clanton said, barging in. “Aren’t you going to let Ron in?” He stared at her. “Wow!”

“You can say that again,” Ron said from right behind him. He didn’t even notice Alex. He couldn’t have been more open in his admiration, which went a long way to bolstering her spirits. Clanton brushed past her in his hurry to dump his soccer gear in his bedroom.

“You take my breath away, Sierra,” Ron said, leaning down to kiss her lightly on the cheek. She felt a touch of sadness that his compliment didn’t have a fraction of the effect Alex’s had. As Ron straightened, she saw his expression alter slightly and knew he had seen her ex-husband. She took his hand deliberately.

“Ron, this is Alex. Alex, I’d like you to meet Ron Peirozo, a dear friend of mine.”

Ron held out his hand. Alex hesitated for a fraction of a second before taking it. Neither said anything. They were too busy measuring one another. Sierra knew under other circumstances they would get along very well. They might even be friends. Right now, she was the only common ground—and not one that would bring them together.

Letting go of Ron’s hand, she picked up her purse and gloves. He took the red cape and laid it over her shoulders. His hands gripped her arms gently, drawing her a few inches closer to him. “Ready to go?”

Alex understood the gesture and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Have a nice evening.”

Sierra walked with Ron to the door. Ron gave Alex a nod as he opened it for her. “Nice meeting you, Alex.”

“Yeah, likewise.”

She didn’t look back. She didn’t dare.

Ron didn’t mention Alex, nor did she. He spent the drive to downtown Los Angeles filling her in on the programs at Los Angeles Outreach. “People are going to be asking you questions,” he said and made sure she knew what was going on.

As she stood beside Ron and greeted guests as they arrived, she recognized numerous faces and names. Several lingered over her hand, making fulsome compliments. Ron teased her about it over a dinner of prime rib. “I should’ve brought a whip and chair to keep some of these animals back.”

She was proud of Ron and impressed by him as he stood at the podium and gave a flawless and relaxed welcome and presentation. He was as at ease in front of this crowd of socially elite as he was with the children he found in the ghettos and beneath the freeways. She knew that those listening to him would be only too willing to support him and his work. He was sincere, zealous, and accomplishing a great deal. The young men and women serving were all “graduates” of the program. “Talk to them, and they’ll tell you the difference Outreach has made in their lives. The Lord has blessed us that we might bless others. . . .”

When the band started playing, Ron led her out onto the dance floor. “I’ve already had several pledges that’ll cover the next few months’ expenses,” he said, holding her close. She felt the warmth of his hand at the small of her back and the brush of his thighs. He was a good dancer, smooth and graceful, guiding her expertly. She felt safe and protected in his arms.

After the first dance, she had other partners, all interested in hearing about Los Angeles Outreach and Ron Peirozo. A few asked her about her relationship to him. A few just wanted to get close enough to ask her out. She was flattered but not interested.

Ron danced with her again several times and needled her unmercifully. “I thought you’d succumb to that actor’s charms for certain,” he said, inclining his head toward a movie star who’d danced with her several times.

“Are you kidding?”

“I saw you swooning when he took your hand.”

“That was before I spent five minutes with him. The guy’s no better than a neighborhood masher. He asked me to spend a weekend in Hawaii with him. Can you believe it?”

“I believe it. I’ve had a few licentious thoughts of my own about you this evening. Want to go sailing with me?”

“Knock it off, Peirozo.”

He laughed. “See the gentleman over there talking with Arlene? He was just asking me if you were taken.”

“Tell him yes.”

“I already did.” Leaning down, he kissed the curve of her neck. Alex used to kiss her in the same place. With him, it had always sent melting heat all through her body and made her knees weak. With Ron, she didn’t feel anything but the pleasing warmth of his lips.

She talked with so many people she lost count. She danced until her feet ached, and she relished every minute of it. On the drive back to Northridge, Ron talked about the pledges he’d received and what it would mean to ongoing programs. They’d made enough money in one evening to cover foundation expenses for the next year.

He pulled into the Haven’s parking lot and shut off the engine of his Mercedes. Turning to her, he smiled. “Did you have a good time?”

“Wonderful,” she said, drowsy. She never stayed up past eleven thirty, and it was almost two in the morning. She felt the light brush of his fingers and looked into his eyes. Warmth and desire were there, unhidden. For one brief moment, she wondered what it would be like to be loved by Ron. “I’d better go in,” she said softly.

Sensitive to her feelings, Ron touched her cheek lightly and then got out of the car. He came around and opened her door, handing her out. They didn’t say anything as they walked along the pathway to her condo. The porch light was on. She wondered if Alex was asleep on the couch.

Turning to Ron, she thanked him for the lovely evening. “Anytime,” he said, leaning down to kiss her cheek. Thanking him again, she took her key from her beaded purse and opened the door. Glancing back, she smiled.

“Good night,” Ron said and headed back along the pathway to his car.

Not looking into the living room, Sierra closed the door quietly.

“How was it?” Alex said, snapping Mary Kathryn’s journal shut and tossing it heedlessly on the hatch-cover table.

The sound of his voice and thump of the book made her jump. “Wonderful,” she said, turning to him. “How was your evening?”

“Bueno.” He stood up. He didn’t even look vaguely tired. His eyes were clear and sharp. “We went out to eat and then rented a couple of movies.”

“Sounds like fun.” Her stomach knotted with tension at the look on his face. He was angry, though about what she didn’t know. And she had no intention of asking. “Well, thank you for watching the children for me. I appreciate it.”

“Sure.”

“I’m sorry it’s so late.”

“You said it would be.” He crossed the living room and stood in front of her. A small frown briefly puckered his brow as he studied her face. “I guess I’d better go.”

“Yes,” she said, having difficulty breathing, “I guess you should.” She looked around. “Did you bring a jacket with you?”

“No.” His mouth tipped in the sensual smile that had turned her heart over at sixteen. It still had that same effect. “Worried about me getting cold between here and my condo? I’m only three doors away.”

“I think you’re warm enough.” She opened the door. “Good night, Alex.”

He paused in the doorway and looked back at her. “Did he kiss you good night?”

She blushed. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, he did not kiss me good night.”

Stepping back inside, he cupped the back of her head and abruptly pulled her forward. Before she could gather her wits, he leaned down and planted his mouth firmly over hers in a hard, hot kiss. He released her as suddenly as he’d held her, smiling sardonically. “You looked like you needed kissing,” he said roughly.

Sierra stepped back from him, her heart pounding in her ears.

His eyes went dark as they stared into hers. He took another step toward her. “You still do.”

“Don’t,” she whispered desperately.

He wasn’t listening. Kicking the door shut with his foot, Alex caught hold of her and pulled her against his hard chest. His head came down and he kissed her again, with the same devastating effect she’d experienced the first time on the Mathesen Street porch so many years ago. He kissed her as though he never intended to let her go. . . .

For a moment she struggled against him. He dug his hands into her hair until it was tumbling about her shoulders and down her back. He kept on kissing her until her insides began to melt and quake.

Her love and the long months of celibacy and loneliness worked against her. Physical hunger swept through her. Sweet memories pulsed.

Oh, God! Oh, God, this is what You meant it to be between a husband and wife!

Husband.

Wife.

Not anymore.

In the midst of the storm of wonderful sensation came the army of doubts marching through her fevered brain, armed with devastation weapons.

Had he held Elizabeth Longford like this? Had he whispered incoherent words of Spanish as he touched and caressed her the way he was touching and caressing her now? Was she just a substitute? Available. Easy. A quick fix now that Elizabeth was gone.

So convenient, too. Only three doors away.

“Don’t cry, Sierra,” Alex said raggedly. “Por favor, don’t cry.”

But she couldn’t help it. Her body pulsated with need for him while her mind tore her heart to shreds. She drew back as far as she could, her hands clenched. She felt him loosening his hold on her and wept harder. When he stepped back, she covered her face and turned away in complete humiliation.

If he hadn’t known how much she still loved him, he could have little doubt now. It must give him a lot of satisfaction to know how easy it was to break down her walls and storm the citadel.

God, I’m such a fool!

“Sierra, I’m sorry . . . ,” he said bleakly. “I didn’t mean to . . .”

When he put his hands on her shoulders and tried to draw her back against him, she jerked away from his touch. “Just go, Alex,” she said, hiccuping. “Get out of my life.”

The door opened quietly and closed again.

She went to her room, crying, and removed the dress. She hung it up carefully, tears running down her cheeks. She removed the jewelry and put it back in the velvet box. She slipped out of the red satin shoes and stripped off her underwear, then turned on the shower and stepped in. She stood beneath the pounding stream of water and gave in to her grief.

She was still crying when she went to bed. Curling on her side, she covered her head with her pillow. She’d just dozed off when the telephone rang. The clock glowed three forty-five. She wanted to ignore the intrusive ringing but was afraid it would awaken the children.

It was Alex, and he sounded strange. Had he been drinking?

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she said, starting to cry again.

He wasn’t listening. He was talking in Spanish, making no sense at all. Usually she could understand Spanish well, but he was speaking so fast and she was so tired, the words were a blur. She did catch a couple of familiar words. One of which was esposa. Wife.

He had a lot of nerve.

“You divorced me, Alex. Remember? Leave me alone.”

She hung up. When the phone rang again, she yanked the plug. Covering her head, she wept herself to sleep.

Joshua has been to the village six times in the past month.

Koxoenis makes him welcome. During his last visit, Joshua saw Koxoenis’s preparations for another hunt. Koxoenis does not live with his wife or even look at her, but spends most of his time in a sweathouse where he rubbed deer marrow into his bow and arrows. Joshua said Koxoenis spoke to his weapons. He also drank a foul smelling concoction that made him very sick. Perhaps it is some kind of purification rite. After the sickness passed, he rubbed angelica and other herbs over his body and his spear.

Joshua followed Koxoenis to watch. He said Koxoenis mimics the movement of a deer so perfectly he was able to become a member of a herd grazing in a meadow at dusk. The animals were not even aware he was among them until he made his kill. Before dressing the animal, Koxoenis knelt beside it and stroked it tenderly, speaking to it. When the meat was prepared for the people, he did not partake of any of it.

Joshua has learned many valuable things from Koxoenis and his people. He has taught Hank how to make a fish trap and Matthew how to make snares for rabbits. He dammed our creek and threw a root into the water. It stunned the fish so that they floated to the surface. We smoked enough in one of our barrels to last us several weeks.

Joshua also taught Hank and Matthew how to make bolas using the side ribs of wild iris leaves and tying bones to each end. Joshua says the Indians use these simple weapons to catch quail, cottontails, and squirrels. The boys have been practicing diligently. Joshua said the Indians are not as fussy about what they eat as we are, but will dine on wood rats, snakes, lizards, and grubs. He has tried them all and said they taste good. I am not so adventurous.

Beth pulls up cattails and peels them. The stalks are good eating. Other edible greens are in abundance. Come spring, we will have berries. They grow in profusion near us.

Lord, You have made this earth as bountiful as Eden. We do not even have to put a plow to the soil to have food to sustain us. But we will come spring.