To Lilly’s way of thinking, the fields beyond her house heralded each approaching season. Rarely used for planting, the rolling hills that stretched for two miles to the creek were left for Mother Nature’s care.
Spring brought wild raspberry bushes, short, fresh, bright green grass, and buds on the maple, ash, and oak trees. Summer arrived with an abundance of wildflowers and lazy bumblebees, each meandering from bloom to bloom.
Now, at the end of September, the colors of fall were chaotic and bright. Illuminating even the darkest spirits.
A beautiful last burst of vibrancy before winter arrived, bringing with it gray skies, dormant plants, lone deer, and snow.
Over the last few months, Lilly had begun to walk as much as possible. It gave her time to connect with nature and give thanks for her many blessings.
And she did have many blessings, even if sometimes she took them for granted.
Feeling in need of another bit of quiet time, Lilly went out after dinner. She’d just stopped to inspect an abandoned bird’s nest when she spied a neighbor sprawled out on one of the logs that lined the creek. “Hey, Caleb.”
Instead of looking happy to see her, he just stared. “What are you doing here?”
“Nothing. I just felt like going for a walk. Why? Am I bothering you?”
“No.”
She came closer. Noticing that his boots lay in a pile beside him, she added, “What about you? Why are you out here this time of day? It’s kind of cold to have bare feet, don’t you think?”
“Not really.” He wiggled his toes for emphasis. “We Amish like to run around barefoot, you know.”
Lilly detected more than a hint of bitterness in his voice. “I’ve heard that,” she quipped as she sank down on the grass beside him. “I, on the other hand, need layers of socks and thick boots when I’m out here. I’m too afraid of snakes to go barefoot.”
Sitting up, he shook his head. “You know nothing, Lilly Allen. There’re no snakes right now. It’s almost October.”
“I’ll file that bit of information away.” Studying him closer, she noticed his shoulders were hunched and his expression grim. “Seriously, Caleb, what’s wrong?”
At first, she didn’t think he was going to answer. “I’m thinking of leaving Sugarcreek,” he said bluntly. “What do you think of that?”
“I think that’s a pretty big deal.” By now she knew enough about the Amish to know that some kids went out at night and drove cars and experienced the outside world during their running-around years. Some left their families for a time. Some did crazy stuff—crazy even for English kids.
And some never came back.
As Caleb’s words hung between them, Lilly had to admit that she wasn’t all that surprised. Caleb had been hinting about wanting to leave ever since she’d first met him. He didn’t seem to have the same connection with the land and the family business that his older brother Josh had.
“I’m also thinking that I’m too afraid to do more than just think about it,” he mumbled.
Caleb was a handsome boy with an easy smile and an almost bulletproof exterior. Even when she’d known he was unhappy, she’d never seen him rattled.
And Lilly would have never guessed that he would admit to a fear. “Oh.”
He wrapped his arms around his knees as he eyed her coolly. “Oh? That’s all you have to say?”
“What do you want me to say?” She paused for emphasis. “Don’t go, Caleb?”
His eyes crinkled. “Probably. Most people are shocked.”
“So…you’ve told a lot of people?”
“No. Just one or two others.”
“Well, it’s good I’m not most people, then.”
He looked her over before lying back down again.
“Maybe so.” After a moment, he stretched his arms behind his head and stared at the sky.
The sun was setting and bands of red and yellow coated the horizon.
He looked so comfortable, Lilly gave into temptation and fell all the way back. The cool grassland felt like a bumpy cushion under her head. For a moment, she worried about bugs. Then looked up to the sky and all worries about earthly problems faded. “The sky’s pretty. I don’t know why it always looks so pretty to me in the autumn, but it does. There always seems to be less clouds and haze.”
Beside her, he shifted. “I suppose.”
As the quiet trickle of the creek floated over them and the gentle rays of the sun warmed her skin, Lilly felt herself completely relaxing. Rarely did she ever sit and watch the sky anymore. Or sit with anyone and just enjoy the moment.
Perhaps it was a result of being older. Or maybe it was because she always felt so alone? It was hard being in between two worlds. She didn’t quite fit in with most teenagers she knew…and the girls her age at work were Amish, and therefore looking toward marriage and babies.
But as she thought of Robert, Lilly almost smiled. Perhaps she had more in common with Miriam and Gretta than she’d imagined? “I’ve got a secret, too.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s a pretty big one…”
“Let me guess…is your secret that you fancy Robert Miller?”
Startled, she propped herself up on her elbows to get a better look at him. “You knew?”
“Of course.” His voice sounded smug.
“I’ve only told everyone that we’re just friends. You know, like me and Josh. But lately, I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s more to us than that.”
“I’ve seen how the two of you act when he comes to the restaurant for coffee. Nothing between you and Robert Miller is like what’s between you and my brother.”
“It’s that obvious?”
“Maybe not to everyone. But it doesn’t take a genius to see that you fancy him. It’s been in your eyes.”
“I’ll have to watch that.”
He chuckled. “Don’t think it would make a difference. I think Robert fancies you, as well. Sure enough, the two of you were looking mighty attached at the market.”
“He bought me a kitten. I named her Midnight.”
He snorted. “Now, that’s a dumb name.”
“Only to you. I think it’s a great name. Anyway, he bought me a kitten and he carried her around for me.” She stopped herself before she told him about walking with Robert in the corn maze. Before she mentioned kissing Robert.
“If he’s buying you pets, I’m guessing the two of you must be mighty serious. You could practically say you two are courtin’.”
His quip surprised a laugh out of Lilly. “I don’t know. Maybe one day. We’ve only gone on that one outing. Otherwise, he just visits me at the restaurant.”
“For now….”
Oh, but Caleb was bold. And, he kind of had a point, too. The future was in her hands, and the idea that she had at least some control over it felt exhilarating.
“I really hope you don’t decide to leave Sugarcreek. I’d miss you, Caleb. You’ve been a good friend to me. I like your sense of humor.”
“I’ll miss you, too. If I even decide to leave.” Beside her, Caleb closed his eyes. “For so long, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of being someone different. I’ve imagined being English…imagined doing all the things I’m not allowed to do now.”
“Having more freedom doesn’t necessarily make life easier,” she warned.
“Perhaps. But it might.”
As a breeze brushed another batch of clouds in motion overhead, Lilly tried to be helpful. “Where do most Amish kids go when they don’t want to be Amish?”
He thought for a moment. “Here and there. Usually some Englischer takes them in. Helps them get social security cards and a driver’s license.” Shifting again, he pulled himself up to a sitting position. “I’ve heard of some kids getting more learning, but most go get a job.”
“That’s a lot to take on. Especially at sixteen.” Lilly already knew from experience how hard it was to start over in a new place without friends. She couldn’t imagine how difficult it would be to attempt to do that without any family as well.
“It is.” He paused. “Becoming a new person is a long process, I think.”
Becoming a new person. Lilly’s mouth went dry as she realized that was exactly what Caleb was talking about.
Did he even realize all he would give up? “Are you going to tell your parents?” Already she was bracing herself for that burden. She loved his family and admired his parents. It would be extremely nerve-racking to keep his secret from them. Actually, deep inside her, she knew without a doubt that she would have to divulge his secret. If they had no idea where he was, they’d be frantic. Lilly knew she’d never be able to keep silent if they were hurting.
Picking up a stick, Caleb drew lines on the ground. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said quietly. “My friend, Mrs. Miller, says I haven’t thought things through. She says it’s not enough to just want to run away from something. You have to know where you want to run toward.”
“What she says makes a lot of sense. You know, when my family ran here to Sugarcreek, we didn’t do all that much thinking about the consequences. It would have been easier if we had.”
“If I leave, my parents are going to be upset.”
“Yes, they are.”
He jabbed at the ground again. “And angry.”
“Yep.”
Meeting her gaze, he frowned. “Why are you being so tough? I thought you of all people would understand how I’m feeling.”
“I do understand, but there’s no way I am going to let you imagine that I completely agree with everything you’re doing.”
He looked away. Shutting her out.
Though she understood his frustration, Lilly knew she had to say her piece. “Listen. I know you’re going to do what you want. I can’t stop you, and I don’t want to try. But I think you should tell your parents what you’re thinking.”
“So far, there’s nothing to tell them.”
“But maybe you could tell them how you’re feeling? Ask them for advice?” Even as she said the words, Lilly winced. What was she talking about? She, of all people, knew just how hard it was to tell parents something they didn’t want to hear.
She also knew that parents didn’t always want to be open minded, either.
“They’re not going to sit in a circle and coddle me, Lilly.” His voice came out harsh. In emphasis, he jabbed hard at the ground again, whether in frustration or anger, she didn’t know. After two strikes, the stick broke.
“I know.”
“I love my family,” he mumbled. “I do. But I also don’t want to get stuck doing something—stuck being something for the rest of my life—that I’m not sure about.”
“I can see your point.” Lilly felt sorry for him. Racking her brain, she tried to help Caleb come up with some other solutions. Really, if he was determined to leave and his parents were against it, there would be little else for him to do besides leave his house in the middle of the night and never look back.
What he needed was some time away in a safe place. “Hey, Caleb, what about if I found you somewhere to stay just for a while?” she said slowly, thinking of Cassidy. “I’ve got some friends who live outside of Cleveland. In Strongsville. Their parents might not mind you staying with them for a few weeks.”
“Just a few weeks?”
Oh, he was so impatient! “It’s better than nothing! Besides, who knows? Maybe that will be long enough to figure out your next step.”
For the first time, his eyes filled with something besides contempt. “Do you really think you could ask your friends if I could stay at their house?”
“I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t.”
“Will you be able to ask them sometime soon?”
Oh, why couldn’t she ever keep her mouth shut? Now he was going to be so upset if Cassidy and her parents shot down her idea. “I’ll call them…but if I do that, and if you decide to go to Strongsville, I think you should talk to your parents about your plans.”
Scrambling to his feet, a look of fresh pain filled his eyes. “I can’t tell them I want to leave.”
“They love you. Telling them the truth about how you feel is the right thing to do.” As she stood up as well, she added, “Caleb, you’re going to have to say something to them sooner or later.”
“They’re going to get really mad—”
She cut him off. “Then they’ll get mad. Caleb, I had to tell my parents I was pregnant. Don’t act like you’re the only person who’s had to deal with bad stuff.”
After another moment, he stared at her. “What if they kick me out?”
She couldn’t imagine Elsa and Frank doing such a thing. But she also knew the power that worst-case scenarios had on a person’s emotions. “If they kick you out, then I guess you’ll go.”
When he looked like he was about to start arguing about it all again, she shook her head wearily. “Let’s go back. I don’t want to argue with you.”
For a moment, Caleb stared hard at her, then finally nodded, picked up his shoes and stepped into pace beside her.
As they walked the well-worn path that led back to their homes, Lilly breathed deep, needing a cleansing breath of the cool air.
Fall had brought a fresh look to the meadow. The tall grasses had faded to a yellow-brown and rustled against their feet as they walked. Bushes and shrubs had turned golden and orange, bringing a welcome batch of color to everything.
Every so often geese flew overhead, their squawks telling one and all that they were headed south for the winter.
And a new calm passed between her and Caleb. Perhaps everything would work out for him after all…
When their two houses were in sight, Caleb broke the silence. “So, what are you going to do with Robert Miller?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You must have some idea.”
“I might.” Like Caleb, she was afraid to voice her dreams. They seemed too outlandish. “Hey, did you know his wife?”
“Only a little bit. Robert’s a lot older than me, so we’ve never been close. But I do remember that they seemed real happy. When she died, he wasn’t around much. Now hardly anyone ever sees him besides at work or when we have church.” He waited a beat. “Or when he visits you at the restaurant.”
“He told me he keeps to himself nowadays.” Before she lost her nerve, she murmured, “Caleb, have you ever heard of an Englischer marrying an Amish person? Of joining the Amish church?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Was it easy?”
“No.”
Obviously he, too, could be blunt. “I see.”
He grinned as they stopped next to the hedge that separated their lots. “It’s the truth. Being Amish ain’t easy, Lilly.”
“I guess that’s where we are, then, huh? We both want to do impossible things.”
Surprising her, he shook his head. “They’re not impossible. God doesn’t hand us impossible tasks. Just hard ones. And scary.” With a faint wave, he walked through the hedge.
Back to his life.
As Lilly slowly started up her own driveway, she thought about his words. Caleb was exactly right. Just because the Lord handed her opportunities and choices, it didn’t automatically mean that things were going to get easier. All it seemed to do was make her confused.