Caleb knew he should be grateful that his family was being so open-minded about him venturing to Cleveland. But somehow obtaining his parents’ permission made him feel like he was still a child.
If he was so sure about his need to leave, shouldn’t he be able to leave on his own? Wasn’t it time for him to accept the burdens of his responsibilities all by himself?
It seemed wrong that the most important event in his life was now being managed by so many others.
When he walked through the hedge that separated his family’s land from the Allens’, he couldn’t help but remember the first time he’d seen the family. It had been late November. Just days after Anson had broken his arm. He’d spied Lilly arguing with her brother on their driveway.
Now Caleb knew that she and Charlie had been arguing about her pregnancy and their abrupt move to Sugarcreek. That day, though, all he’d seen was a pair of teenagers having more freedoms than he’d ever imagined. From that point on, he’d ached to be just like them.
“Hey, you,” Lilly called out when he stepped onto their driveway. “Come up to the front. I’m sitting on the porch.”
When he walked up the two steps to meet her, Caleb saw that she had two mugs of hot cider. “Want some?”
“Sure.” Sitting down in the rocking chair next to her, Caleb felt completely nervous. “Thanks for meeting with me.”
She grinned. “I didn’t have much choice. Your parents asked me to.”
“Oh.”
Her smile vanished. “Hey, forget I said that. I’m sorry. Don’t mind me. I’m a little grumpy. A certain somebody at the restaurant put me in a bad mood.”
Caleb figured a bad customer there was like any he’d had at the store, and he had no need to think about them. As a few seconds passed, and she said nothing more, he said, “Lilly, I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, you better think of something! You’ve got your whole family in a dither.”
Remembering how calm they’d all been, he shook his head. “Not really.”
“They might be all smiles to you, but underneath, I promise, they’re really worried.”
“I don’t know what to do now. Part of me feels like I should have never said anything.”
“Caleb, you didn’t have a choice. Not really. Things would have been worse if you had just left in the middle of the night.”
It was like she’d read his mind. “Perhaps.”
“You know, I’ve been where you are.”
Caleb doubted it. “You’ve wanted to stop being Amish and move away?” he asked sarcastically.
“I’ve had to tell my parents things they didn’t want to hear. First when I told them I was pregnant, and then when I told them I wanted to keep the baby and not put it up for adoption. Telling difficult news isn’t easy.”
Leaning against his chair, he looked beyond Lilly, to the neatly mowed grass in the front of Lilly’s house. To the small garden that was in dire need of tilling—the Allens really were terrible gardeners.
As her words sank in, he relaxed. “It hasn’t been easy at all.”
After sipping from her mug, she murmured, “Caleb, do you still want me to call my friend?”
Here it was. He could either accept her offer and move forward…or he could back away and stay in Sugarcreek. Where it was safe. “Yes.”
“All right, then. I’ll give her a call and see if we can drive over to Strongsville tomorrow.”
“So soon?”
“I have the day off. And, well, it’s what you want, right?”
“Sure.” He hoped Lilly didn’t notice that he wasn’t really as excited about the visit as he’d wanted to be.
“Now, don’t get your hopes up. My friend Cassidy might not be able to help us too much. But at least you’ll get to start thinking about options.” She gave him a sideways look. “If you still want to leave.”
“Going on Sunday is fine.”
“Okay. Great. How about we leave at nine? Is that too early?”
“I guess not.”
“What’s wrong with you? I thought you’d be excited.”
He didn’t know what was wrong, other than that everything was suddenly happening too quickly. “It’s just that this Sunday is church. My folks won’t like me missing.” Actually, that was an understatement.
His parents wouldn’t like it one bit. The whole family would be up at dawn, especially since church was at Tim and Clara’s new home. Because they were newly married, their entire family would be expected to go over early and help set up.
“Does missing church matter to you?”
“Maybe.”
Her expression turned serious. “Caleb…you can’t have it both ways, you know. You either want to stay where you are and abide by all the rules…or it’s time to make changes. You can’t just complain to everyone who will listen. You shouldn’t make plans without intending to follow through.”
She was right. This was his chance to seriously move forward. To prepare to leave. “I’ll be ready at nine.”
“Come over, then.”
For the first time, true fear about what he was doing settled inside of him. It was one thing to have a dream. It was quite another to put it into action.
As he thought of the few English kids he’d hung around with in Sugarcreek, Caleb began to worry. They’d all teased him some about his funny way of speaking. About his longish hair. With them, he hadn’t really cared…but he’d feel different if he was living with the English. “Do you think your friend will think I’m too different?”
Eyes serious, Lilly shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m not going to lie to you—you do look different than most sixteen-year-old boys, but with a haircut and different clothes, you could fit in. Eventually.”
“So it’s just the clothes, right?” The uneasiness dissipated. That, he could deal with. He knew he wouldn’t be dressing Amish anyway.
“Maybe it’s just the clothes…or maybe not. It’s a whole way of looking at the world around you.”
“Everyone looks at their surroundings one way or another.”
Lilly pulled up her knees and rested her chin on them. “I guess that’s true. But I don’t know. I used to think people could change, and could put their past behind them, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe we all carry our pasts with us like marks on our arms…for better or worse.”
Caleb had a feeling she was talking about how very “English” she was…and how it had to do with Robert Miller. To his way of thinking, she would have an even harder time becoming Amish than he would becoming English.
Caleb lifted his chin. For a moment, he yearned to tell her that everything was going to work out for the best. That she shouldn’t worry about the future because God was with them. That there surely had to be a reason that he was thinking about turning English at the same time that she was considering a future with an Amish man.
But it wasn’t the right time. She was still keeping secrets…and he was starting to think that he didn’t know any right answers.
Mouth dry, he stood up. “I’m going to go on back now.”
“Yes, I suppose you should. Bye, Caleb. See you tomorrow.”
After crossing through the hedge, he walked back into his family’s barn. The dusty, dank smell in the darkened area was completely familiar. Almost comforting. As Jim whickered a greeting, he let his eyes adjust to the light, then wandered over to give the horse some attention. “Hey, buddy,” he murmured, scratching the horse around his ears the way he loved.
Looking more closely at the horse’s coat, irritation coursed through him. Flecks of mud and dirt spotted Jim’s broad side; far more decorated his white stockings.
Once again, Anson hadn’t done what he was supposed to. “That brother of mine. Will he ever learn to do his chores?”
In response, Jim’s ears darted forward and Caleb immediately felt remorseful. The horse could sense anger or nervousness quicker than a snap. “It’s okay, horse. I’m just griping. Ready for some brushing?” he murmured.
He turned just in time to see Anson dragging his feet behind Judith. “Look who I found playing by the side of the road,” she said. “Our long-lost bruder.”
Anson pulled out his bottom lip. “I wasn’t lost. And I wasn’t doing anything wrong, neither.”
Judith rolled her eyes. “Oh, no. Not at all!” she said mockingly. “You were just causing everyone around you to be scared to death.”
“What was he doing?”
“He and Ty were hopping along the road side by side, not paying a bit of attention to the vehicles flying by. I, myself, saw a car have to swerve out of the way in order to avoid them.”
“Anson, you should know better.”
“Don’t start up disciplining me too, Caleb,” Anson snapped. “You weren’t even there.”
Anson’s tone was filled with more than a touch of indignation and pride. Sharing an exasperated look with his sister, Caleb suddenly felt sorrier than ever for his parents. How were they able to keep their calm so often? With seven children, no less? At the moment, he was sorely tempted to shake some sense into his brother’s head.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Judith tapped her feet. “I had to go find Anson because when I came in here earlier, I saw he hadn’t done all his chores. I’m supposed to be at the store, helping Joshua.”
Tilting his head up, Anson glared. “I don’t know why you’re being so mean. I just forgot.”
“Oh, no, you didn’t,” Caleb said. “I’ve been ten, too. I know exactly what you were thinking. You didn’t forget. You just didn’t want to muck out the stalls and brush Jim, and thought if you weren’t around someone else would do the work. Like me.”
“I fed him.”
“That’s not good enough,” Judith said. “Anson, Caleb and I are tired of doing your chores.”
When Caleb watched his brother roll his eyes, his temper snapped. “We were tired months ago. If Mamm and Daed aren’t going to make you do your part, I sure intend to. This lazing about isn’t good for you, and it isn’t fair to the rest of us.”
“I don’t know why you even care, Caleb. All you want to do is leave me.” Bright red spots licked Anson’s cheeks as he clumsily corrected himself. “I mean, leave us. So we’re going to have to do all of your chores soon anyway.”
Guilt flooded him. “That’s not the same.”
“Sure it is. I listened to everything you and Mamm and Daed said the other night. All you care about is yourself.”
There were a thousand things Caleb was tempted to say to that. He knew that Anson was grasping at any straw to get his way, and had become extremely good at doing so during his various accidents and recuperations.
But a small part of him knew that his little brother had a point. He hadn’t been thinking about how his absence would affect the workload for the rest of the family. He truly was selfish in that regard.
“Come get a brush and start working on Jim,” he muttered. “And don’t be too rough, neither. That horse has done nothing to deserve that.”
With a mutinous expression, Anson strode over to the horse.
Shaking her head, Judith turned to go just as Caleb walked over to her. “I’m going to go inside and tell Mamm.”
Usually Caleb wouldn’t have encouraged Judith to start tattling, but he, for one, was tired of their parents looking away when Anson goofed off. Maybe Judith telling on their little brother would do some good. “Good luck.”
“I’m just glad I saw him playing on the side of the road.” She shook her head. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”
“I think he’s used to everyone fussing over him. We sure did fuss quite a bit after he and Ty were lost in the river.”
“I guess you’re right.” She turned, then looked his way again. “Hey…Caleb…about what Anson said, don’t let it get to you.”
“He’s probably right. I am talking about leaving you.”
“No, he wasn’t, Caleb. No one was shocked about you being dissatisfied. I, for one, think it’s a gut thing that you want to leave her for a little while, just to see what the outside world is like. I just hope you’ll want to come back. And not because of the chores, either.”
“Promise?” He knew it took a lot for her to say what she did. Of them all, Judith seemed to be the most settled and content with their way of life. He had thought she would have given him the hardest time about wanting a change.
“I promise.”
“I’m going to visit Lilly’s friends tomorrow.”
“Really? Already?”
He nodded. “Lilly says it’s the only time she can get away.” He paused, considering his next words. “I’m kind of nervous about going,” he admitted.
“I bet. Though, you’re only sixteen, Caleb.” Reaching out, she squeezed his shoulder. “I promise, nothing has to be decided now.”
“I’m starting to realize that,” he mumbled and watched her slowly walk into the house before he turned back to Anson. “You being careful with Jim?”
“I am,” Anson replied sharply.
Caleb narrowed his eyes, but luckily saw that his brother was brushing Jim slowly and carefully, just the way the horse enjoyed.
Without a word, he passed by Anson, walked over to the chicken pen and started work on that. One of the roosters glared at him in disdain.
Caleb glared right back until the bird turned away. These were things he knew to do. He knew just how to gather eggs and fix broken chicken wire. He knew how to bale hay and how to drive a buggy. And just how Jim liked to be brushed with the curry comb.
None of that knowledge would be any good among the Englischers, however.
Somewhat desperately, he wondered what would.