When I returned to Mull, Ailish and I talked more than we ever had. She told me things about Ma I never knew – that she’d refused to believe the rumours around Frank’s infidelities before they married and long after Cal and I came along. How her hope was ultimately what killed her. I think I saw that as a kid and was determined it wouldn’t happen to me. But Ma chose to put her faith in things that could never be and when they failed she had nothing left to cling to.
Phoebe is still there, after everything.
‘She put her faith in you, despite your best attempts to push her away,’ Ailish said.
‘But what if she makes the same mistake Ma did?’
My almost-auntie took my hand, the glint of tears in her eyes. ‘Then be the man she deserves. You’re not Frank Mullins, bairn. You never were. This is your chance to prove it.’
When my bags are packed in the hall waiting for Niven to arrive to drive me to the ferry port at Craignure, I duck out of the back door and scramble up the bank at the back of Ailish’s house. It’s as green and wild as it was a year ago, the wind casting verdant ripples across it as I climb. I reach the large rock – where I’ve come most days to play my guitar or just take in the view – and take my seat on it for the last time. Out on the water the Iona ferry is preparing to leave Fionnphort dock. I’ll be on the next one. I’m sad that my year is over, but so much awaits me back in London. It’s time to go home.
But first, I need to call Phoebe.
She sounds surprised when I blurt out the speech I’ve rehearsed since returning from Edinburgh. It’s not perfect – too rushed, far later in our year apart than it should have been and nowhere near as eloquent as I’d imagined. But I hope she hears me.
‘…I love you. If you get on that train tomorrow, I’ll be waiting, Phoebe. I will. If you want me, I’m yours.’
‘I love you too, Sam.’ Her voice sounds far away.
After the call, I watch the ferry edge slowly from the shore. Ahead of it the green shadow of Iona waits, ancient and familiar. A promise at its journey’s end.
My heart is hammering by the time I return to the house and Niven’s car pulls into view.
I stand on the doorstep by the wonderful Ailish McRae, fierce advocate, honorary auntie and the brightest soul I’ve ever had the privilege to spend time with. Niven is sitting in the car, waiting respectfully for our goodbyes to take place.
‘I’m not going to cry.’
‘I never said you were.’
Ailish dabs her nose with a tissue, pretending she isn’t wiping her eyes. It’s fooling nobody. ‘You just mind you take care, okay?’
‘I will.’
‘And you will not, under any circumstances, leave it years before you come back, do you understand me?’
I wrap my arms around her and hug her tight. ‘Loud and clear. Thanks for looking after me, Auntie Ailish.’
‘My pleasure, bairn.’ Now she’s crying.
She pulls back and laughs at her streaming tears. ‘Look at me, I’m a wreck. What time is your ferry?’
‘It leaves in an hour.’
‘Aye. Well. Quite a year, Samuel.’ She reaches up to my cheek and pats it. Her skin smells like icing sugar and freshly baked shortbread, a scent I’ve become used to in her kitchen.
‘Quite a year.’
‘And you’ll be okay? After – that man.’
I smile and hug her again. I don’t think Ailish will ever fully understand why I went to see Frank, but she knows it was what I wanted. The more I’ve thought about finding him when I did, and discovering his second family, the more convinced I am that I made the right decision. ‘Don’t worry about me.’
‘Easier said than done. You’re not him, remember? You don’t have to repeat Frank’s mistakes.’
‘I won’t. Thanks – for what you said.’
‘For kicking you up the bum?’
I laugh. ‘Aye, that. I needed it. And you were right.’
She nods but I can tell she still isn’t happy about what she said. ‘And what about Phoebe?’
‘Well, I just told her I loved her, so…’
Her eyes sparkle in the June sun. ‘I am so proud of you! Be happy. Be the man you know you can be. That will be all she wants.’
And now my journey back to the best decision begins. Thirteenth of June. The day before we meet again. Now our meeting is almost here I can hardly believe a year has happened. Tomorrow I will, at last, be in the same space as Phoebe.
I will miss the Island, though. Staying with Ailish and becoming involved in the community has made it more of a home than I’ve had for years and I know I’ll return. Last night the kids in the music club surprised me with a concert in my honour. It was amazing to see what I’d helped create and very emotional to hear from parents about the difference music is making in their children’s lives. Next time, Phoebe will be with me to see it.
Niven walks with me to the ferry terminal.
‘Are you sure I can’t tempt you back to Donal and Kate’s for tonight?’ I ask.
‘Better not. Work and that.’
We trade suitably blokey back-slaps and then Niven gives me a bear hug that squeezes the air out of me. ‘Hey. Come and see me in London, yeah?’
‘I want to do the music thing more,’ he says. ‘Not give up teaching, but, you know, maybe take a bit of time over the summer, play some live stuff. I’ve loved playing with you and the lads. Donal mentioned he had some gigs coming up in August so I might tag onto those.’
‘That’s great, Niv. And if you want some summer stuff in London, give us a shout, okay?’
He grins. ‘You might regret offering that. But aye, that’d be good.’
On the bus to Port Glasgow, I think about Phoebe. I am so close to seeing her again and I just want the journey to be over. I hope I didn’t shock her with my phone call. I had to say it before tomorrow, so she is in no doubt about how I feel. There’s one last night with Donal, Kate and the kids and then it will be the day we’ve promised each other. There are so many things in my life I have little clarity on, but I know that I love her. She isn’t Laura. She won’t bail on me or break my heart. She gave me the push I needed to find Frank. And unlike my father, when I am finally reunited with Phoebe, I won’t go anywhere. No more running. No more letting fear win. I am in, for as long as she’ll have me.
Tomorrow, I’ll show her that.