Gare du Nord is packed, the early morning commuters as crammed into the space and impatient as they are in Euston or St Pancras or Victoria. Except that they still manage to look French and unhurried, effortlessly elegant and nonplussed, all at the same time.
My heart is so full of everything. Leaving Paris, saying goodbye to Tobi and Luc and the knowledge that Sam loves me and will be waiting at the end of my journey. At least, I hope he will be.
I have some time before my train is called, so I manage to find an empty seat and sip the coffee I picked up from Luc’s favourite neighbourhood café. Around me people buzz about their day, sure of their destinations. How many of them are on their way to fulfil a promise, I wonder? There’s no way to tell. If I’ve learned one thing this year it’s that you never know what anyone else is facing.
I’m excited, but I have so many questions. Where will I live? Where will I work? What do I want my life to look like with Sam in it? From the moment we meet again by Sir John Betjeman’s statue, our lives will change. They’ll have to. Two complete lives dovetailing together. Even when it’s what we want, it’s going to require work and compromises. He didn’t share all of his journey to find Frank with me. That still stings. If we have a hope of lasting, he has to trust me more than he has this year. I have to trust myself, too. But I should have prepared more for when I get home. Why am I only considering this now?
I make myself inhale long and slow.
Calm down, Phoebe.
He loves me and I love him. We can work out the rest.
I have imagined this moment so many times and now it’s racing towards me instead of me heading towards it. In less than five hours, Sam and I will be in the same space. The distance closed. The decision made.
A couple pass by, their arms linked together as if some force will imminently pull them apart. I remember that feeling as we waited by the barrier for Sam’s platform, that urgency and the bittersweet rush of love and longing as time slipped away. We’re doing this in reverse now. Apart for not much longer, then nothing left to separate us again.
I close my eyes and mark the moment. Like Giana would do. ‘Good or bad, mark it in your mind. It’s a touch point for the future. One day you might need to remember how this was for you.’
Nearly there, Sam. So nearly there…