Eight rainbows. That’s broken the journey up. In the brave early light they are magical. It has to be a sign.
I never looked for signs before I met her.
This year has changed how I see myself so much. Where I’m from. Who I am. What drives me. What scares me. I’m from Mull and Frank Mullins is my father, but I am not Frank Mullins. Or Jean Mullins, who he left behind. I’m Sam Mullins, musician, studio co-owner, son, brother and soon to be lover of the most wonderful woman in the world.
There was one more missing piece to fit. Something I never thought I’d do. Last night, in the stillness of Donal’s garden studio, I called my brother.
‘Sam?’
‘Hey, Cal.’
‘What is it?’
‘I found Da.’
I don’t know if Cal expected this call to happen one day, but his response was immediate and shocking. I haven’t heard my brother cry for twenty years.
When he was able to speak again, we talked for an hour. He’s not in a good place – off sick again from his job with anxiety and stress, still reeling from his second divorce. The more we spoke, the more I could see the damage done to his self-esteem, the little boy who never recovered from losing his father. I thought he didn’t care. I was wrong.
‘I can’t believe he was living so close to us all that time.’
‘I know.’
‘I thought – I always thought I wasn’t enough to make him stay.’
‘Me too. But the truth is, he wasn’t enough. Deep down he couldn’t be the man we needed. He wasn’t running from us, Cal, he was running from himself.’
‘I run. That’s my problem. I run and hide in a bottle. I’m the worst bits of Ma and Da.’
It broke my heart to hear it, but given what I now know, it wasn’t a surprise. ‘You don’t have to any more. You’re not Frank Mullins, kid. Neither am I. He ruined the best part of our lives: let’s not let him take any more. Leave Frank to his own demons and deal with your own.’
I never thought I’d say that to him, but I could feel walls being chipped away as we spoke. I offered to send him details of the hospice, but Cal refused. I hope he’ll contact Ellie when he’s ready.
‘Let’s chat more, yeah?’ he said, before he hung up. ‘Soon. I’d like that, Sam. You’re all I have.’
It wasn’t an easy truce, but it was a start.
I follow the rainbow until it slips from view. New beginnings. Putting right the past. That’s what I’ll take from this year. Discovering I can be whoever I want to be. Finding my feet.
And at the heart of it all is Phoebe Jones.
I love her. And in a few hours, I will be back with her.
I haven’t a clue what happens next. How we will actually do this. Should I be concerned? Who knows? None of it scares me, though. Not like it used to. It’s the sweetest freefall from the highest altitude and every atom of me hums with the audacity of it.
We did it, Phoebe: we tested this thing for a year and it’s real. The closer I travel to my destination, the more I feel it. I’ve never been in love like this.
I just hope she can forgive me for not sharing stuff when I should have.
After my call with Cal, Kate and Donal joined me. Their excitement for me – and for the woman they’ve never met who stole my heart – meant the world. Still does.
‘I’ll admit, I was worried in the beginning,’ Kate said, handing out another round of beers. ‘But she’s proved herself this year. And you’re happier than I’ve ever seen. So, I take back what I said: a year away has been good for you.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Oh look, he’s blushing!’
‘Ach Kate, leave the poor beggar alone! Ignore my wife, Sam. We couldn’t be happier for you. As soon as you can, get both your backsides up here to see us, okay?’ Donal said.
And of course I agreed, because I can’t think of any better place to bring Phoebe. All these things we’ve talked about – my friends, her friends, her family, the studio – we’re finally going to be able to share it all with each other.
I can’t wait.
My life will start over when we meet today. Everything will now include Phoebe. It’s going to take some getting used to, but I am up for the challenge.
I’m counting the hours…