He hangs up. And the world is suddenly an echoing, lonely chamber.
I’ve lost him.
All because I was too scared to get on that train.
Luc holds my hand and Tobi watches, concerned, from the kitchen where he’s making more tea. For a Frenchman he has an excellent understanding of English crisis management. I love that they are here, but I wish they didn’t have to see this.
‘That sounded brutal,’ Luc says, his voice low.
I blink at him. I can’t even find words to say how I feel. I knew it would be bad – part of me even hoped Sam might let my call go to his voicemail so I could blurt it all out and not have to hear him. I wish I hadn’t heard him. The hurt in his voice almost destroyed me. I put it there – I caused that in the man I’ve been in love with for an entire year.
If you’re sure of Sam…
Why won’t those words leave me alone? I am sure of Sam. I was… Why did I listen to the doubts?
‘I am the worst person.’
‘No, you’re not.’
‘Why didn’t I go through with it? If I loved him, I should have been there.’
‘Phoebe, if he loved you he should have given you the chance to explain.’
‘He was there. I wasn’t. It was academic.’
‘Mon amie, you are torturing yourself. Whatever happened, it happened for a reason. You won’t know what that is yet. But equally, there is nothing to be done about it now. So. We have spoken to Meg and she agrees it is better for you to stay in Paris with us for a while.’
‘No, Tobi, I need to get back. I have to make this right with Sam.’
‘And you will. But not immediately. He is hurt and angry. You are hurt, too, and confused. What good can you do until you understand yourself?’
I don’t want Tobi and Luc to be right, but I can’t escape the truth. However much I want it to be different, the damage done today just isn’t fixable yet. But I don’t want to outstay my welcome here. Tobi and Luc have been incredible hosts, friends and confidants. They’ve done so much for me already and I can’t take advantage of their kindness. Besides, I need to get back to London to work out what to do next.
I accept a strong hug from Tobi who has just brought us another pot of tea. ‘What would I do without you, my gallant knights?’
‘It’s our pleasure, fair Lady Phee,’ Tobi smiles. ‘So, you’ll stay?’
‘For a few days. But then I need to go home.’
My whole body feels beaten and bruised. But my heart is just numb. Tomorrow it will hit me fully, I think. Tomorrow I will wake to my first day without Sam Mullins. Then it will feel real.
I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to rest tonight, but as soon as I get into bed weariness slams down on my body. The last thing I see before I fall asleep is the rainbow of book spines, their quiet order on the bookshelves above me reassuring and familiar. At least I still have this, I think. I may have thrown away my future plans with Sam, but I still have my year. I still did it. On a day when positives have become scarce, this is one I will cling to.