Niven and the others have started early. Good thing we don’t have to load everything out tonight when our set ends. One advantage of huge corporate gigs like this is they are set up for two days at a time and nobody bats an eyelid if you leave all your gig gear till the morning. The last event I did like this, party stragglers were still dancing at 9 a.m. when we returned to collect our equipment.
Meg has done an amazing job. If she’d have us again for one of her events, I’d accept like a shot. Everything has been considered and having played so many gigs where you feel like an afterthought, I appreciate the effort. Not often the band gets a whole Portakabin with free chilled beer and food laid on before a gig. I’ve changed into my gig clothes in stinking toilets and broom cupboards more often than not. Having a pre-gig room like this is better than playing the O2.
‘To Meg and her huge corporate-client expense account!’ Niven declares, raising his bottle to the cheers of our bandmates.
Shona joins in but doesn’t make eye contact with me. I’ve burned my bridges there, I think. Kate reckons she’ll forgive me eventually. I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I’ve altogether forgiven myself yet. Whatever happens, this will be our last gig together for a long time.
I’m sad that I won’t get to play with Niven for the foreseeable, though. Before I went back to Mull I wouldn’t have counted him as my closest friend but now I think he’s equal to DeeDee and Kim. I love that man. I just hope when he returns to the school on Mull for his job-share post it will make him happy. He deserves a break. Good that Donal and he are working on projects for the fledgling label already. If anyone can make GloamingSound a success, they can.
When we were loading in this morning Meg took me on a tour of the facilities and something she said when she unlocked our dressing room has stayed with me.
‘We’re going for magical. Because magical things can happen at New Year.’
‘Usually involving alcohol,’ I’d returned – a lame joke that received a polite smile, but it was a shield because I felt cornered.
‘All kinds of magic,’ she’d said firmly.
Has Meg invited Phoebe to the party?
If she is here, I don’t want to talk to her.
I’ve decided. It’s for the best.
We had the chance to say all we wanted at the Eden Festival. She hasn’t tried to contact me since and I haven’t either, so it makes me think too much time has passed. I need to focus on me next year. Not chasing an adventure. Not searching for answers. Just discovering how the man I’ve found myself to be will move forward. I’ll leave my heart out of it for a while, that’s for sure. Laura, Shona, Phoebe – none of them shining successes and all of them shouldn’t have happened. Until I understand my heart, I can’t risk giving it to anyone else.
So I’ll do the gig tonight and then I’ll leave. It’s good that we’re returning for our gear tomorrow – there’s no reason to hang around. London is still my home, but I feel the need to get away for a while. So, in two days I’ll be back in Edinburgh for a belated Hogmanay and to celebrate Barney’s birthday with Ellie and Russ.
Family time.
Better late than never.
My brother calls me most weeks. He’s not ready to meet Ellie yet – and he turned down my offer of visiting him when I head back north – but regular phone contact is a good start. The rest will follow when he’s ready. I never understood how anyone could walk out of someone’s life and not look back, until I found my father again. But now I get it. Frank couldn’t be what we needed. He had too many demons of his own to fight. Cal needs time to come to terms with that.
You can only walk through a door: if the person on the other side chooses not to open it, what can you do? In the end, I think it’s better to seek the open doors and accept those that stay closed. Life, I’m learning, is holding everything lightly; being prepared to let it go. You can’t control how anyone else lives. You can love them, but that’s the only power you have. You can’t make somebody love you.
That’s why I’m heading off as soon as our last set ends.
It’s why I’m not holding out hope that Phoebe will be here.
And why I won’t be seeking her out.
I’m closing a door.