I’m the only person here.
But it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just come to mark the moment with an old friend.
He’s still gazing up. His trilby is still tilted on his head, the breeze from the platform still billowing out the hem of his mackintosh. Of course he hasn’t changed. But in the early hours of a new year, it’s comforting. It would be easy to think everything is different. Perhaps I should notice what’s remained.
My friends. My love of books. Mum and Dad.
And London – even though the city is constantly on the move. In my heart it will always be home.
It isn’t the day I said I’d be here. But now that I’m standing by Sir John, I have the strongest feeling it’s the day I was meant to be here. If he knows, he isn’t saying. I wonder how many other secrets he’s tucked away beneath that trilby.
It’s done. I’ve finally come full circle on my Grand Adventure. I could never have guessed how it would pan out or what I would experience.
How do I feel now it’s ended?
I touch the nook between Sir John’s neck and shoulder, where Meg hid the rose for Sam when I couldn’t be there.
Gratitude. That’s the overriding emotion. Even though there are moments and actions and decisions I might want to change, I’m grateful I had the chance to experience them at all. In the end, maybe that’s all that’s important.
I wasn’t here for Sam that day. But I didn’t leave him completely alone. Meg was here, and my message. If I’d never cared about him, I wouldn’t have given a second’s thought to what he was going to find by the statue. I did what I could where I was. That’s all I can ever do.
I’m still sad that we didn’t make it. I have to acknowledge that so it isn’t a shadow hanging over the next part of my life. Being in a different city will help – lots of new things to demand my attention. But I won’t ever wish it hadn’t happened.
‘Thank you, sir,’ I say to the statue in the empty station. I don’t care that I’m talking to an inanimate object. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person to sneak a chat with the great man. He’s just a modest public artwork in a place that belongs to everybody – but Betjeman’s statue is now part of my life. We’ve shared a unique moment in time. That’s a beautiful thing. I stroke his cool face, surprised by a sudden welling of tears. ‘I’m sorry you got caught up in it. But thanks for passing the message on.’
‘I don’t think he minds.’
I close my eyes. The memory of Sam’s voice is so vivid, so real, that it shocks me. It’s warm and close and I can hear that smile of his dancing through each word. He had a wonderful voice. I still remember the thrill of hearing it, hundreds of miles from home; how it seemed to resonate deep in my soul. Like I’d known it for a lifetime already.
‘I hear he’s good at meeting people.’
No, that’s wrong. That isn’t what Sam said. Am I forgetting him already?
‘Even people who make total idiots of themselves.’
Light floods back in to my eyes. And there he is.
‘I was just saying goodbye,’ I manage – not the words I expected to say.
‘To Sir John or me?’
Looking at Sam feels like the biggest step of faith. ‘Both.’
‘Why?’
‘I have a new job. New home, too. I leave in two days.’
‘Oh. Congratulations.’
‘In Edinburgh,’ I rush, because if I don’t say it all now there won’t be another opportunity. ‘And I know you have somebody else now but I wanted to tell you that I think I chose Edinburgh because it would remind me of you. Of what you’ve meant to me.’
‘Phoebe, it’s not—’
‘And I think that, finally, I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do. I have you to thank for that. For believing in me, in the beginning. And keeping that faith in me all the time I was away.’
Holding my nerve is a battle. Sam is here. How could he possibly have known this is where I would be? He’s here and he’s looking like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or run away.
‘You left me a rose.’
‘I know, and it was nowhere near enough. But it was all I could do.’
‘No, listen. I understand. I didn’t for a long time – until tonight, in fact. I thought you abandoned me, but you didn’t. You left the rose and then later you spoke to me. You didn’t run away, Phoebe: I did.’
‘I wasn’t there…’
‘And I hadn’t been there for you while I was looking for Frank. I am so sorry I didn’t let you in.’
‘Finding him was important to you.’
‘It is – it was – but it would have been far easier if I’d had somebody to share it with. I didn’t see the mistake until Niven pointed it out. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I didn’t think I’d see you again.’
‘Me either. But here we are.’ His brow creases. ‘Sorry, did you say you’re going to Edinburgh?’
‘Yes.’
‘Where?’
‘At the university. That’s where I’ll be working.’
‘In Edinburgh?’
‘Yes.’ How many times do I have to say it?
And then he laughs, his head thrown back and the sound filling the empty concourse. It’s unexpected and beautiful and a precious gift I’ve been lost without.
‘You’re going to Edinburgh because of me and I’m staying in London because of you.’ He shakes his head. ‘What is it with us and trains in opposite directions?’
Is he laughing at me? Or should I get the joke? Either way I’m confused. I don’t know why Sam’s here or what I’m supposed to say to him and we’re the only two people in the station with an old iron statue between us. I have no script for this. My words are useless.
Sam’s smile softens. ‘I love you.’
Why say that? When he’s not free and I’m going to live four hundred miles from him? ‘I don’t think…’
‘I love you. I wish I didn’t – that is, I wished I didn’t until right now. But we met here by chance again tonight. I’m not big on the whole destiny thing, but even I can see that’s one hell of a coincidence.’
‘I love you, too. But you have someone else…’
‘No, I don’t. That’s what I wanted to tell you earlier, at the party. That’s my ex – Laura. I told you about her. And ten minutes after she kissed me she slapped my face in front of the whole room and then found a complete stranger to snog. So no, I don’t have anyone else.’
Tonight feels endless. It was supposed to be my goodbye to London, to everything Sam had meant to me. ‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘Me either.’ He pats the Betjeman statue. ‘Look at us, eh Johnny? What have you done to us?’
I still can’t tell what Sam is thinking. His words whirl round me like the curling script carved in stone around the statue’s feet. High in the iron-and-glass roof, there’s a sudden beating of wings.
‘I’m going, too. To Edinburgh. Tomorrow, actually. I’m spending a few days with Ellie and my nephew. So, I don’t know, if you were free to meet…? Maybe we could find a coffee shop, or a bar or a random statue on a train platform?’
That smile could end any argument, I think.
‘I’d like that.’
‘So would I.’ He moves from Betjeman’s side, less than a step away from me. ‘There are a million and one things I want to ask you. To say to you. But I don’t even know where to begin.’
There are times in life when you should step back, consider and be level-headed before making a decision. And then there are moments when you just need to believe your heart has everything covered.
I reach out and flatten my hand against Sam’s chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath my palm, as strong and sure as I remember. Has it really been beating for me all this time? In spite of everything?
My breath stalls. I dare to look into his eyes again.
‘Then let’s begin here.’
This time, Sam kisses me first.
Questions wait, our lives meet again. The meeting is what matters; we’ll work out the rest when we leave St Pancras. For now, we are just Phoebe Jones and Sam Mullins, two wandering souls reunited by the Betjeman statue, where so many travellers have met before.
And anything can happen on our next journey.
Sir John keeps his attention on the arcing glass roof, his bag of books in his hand and his coat whipped up by the wind of an unseen passing train. One shoelace is untied, his collar unbuttoned, too. But he doesn’t mind. His work here is done.