The Jeep was the only place I really had privacy, thanks to Rikky’s paper-thin walls. While Rikky and Pan were cleaning up after supper, I took out the composting, then snuck down to the vehicle, which was parked near the dock.
I sat in the driver’s seat with the window open, letting the warm breeze blow over me. On my phone, I pulled up my messenger and scrolled through my contacts until I finally landed on Bryn Aven.
Me: Hey, Bryn. It was great seeing you a few weeks ago. We really need to catch up when you have a chance. But until then, I was wondering if I could ask you about something.
Bryn: Yeah, it was good to see you too. I have some downtime now. What do you need?
Me: Do you remember someone named Bekk or Rebekka Vallin?
Bryn: Yes, I do. We knew each other during the war, but I haven’t talked to her much since.
Me: Do you trust her?
Bryn: I did five years ago, but a lot could’ve changed since then. Why do you ask?
Me: She works at the Omte records office, and she’s helping me find my parents. After I mentioned I knew you, she got me a meeting with the Queen Regent.
Bryn: So you met Bodil? What’d you think of her?
Me: She wasn’t what I expected, but I don’t really know what I expected for an Omte Queen. You’ve met her before?
Bryn: A few times now. I asked for her help before the war, but I’ve had limited interactions with her at big royal social events, like King Linus’s wedding a year ago, and a few weeks ago at Linus’s jubilee.
Me: What are your thoughts on her?
Bryn: Hard to say. I haven’t been able to figure out if she’s dense and mean, or if it’s all an act and she’s a diabolical genius. I’m leaning toward dumb and cruel, though.
Me: That is what I was afraid of.
Bryn: Did you meet the prince?
Me: I didn’t meet him, but I saw a kid running around in his underwear with a stick scepter. I’m pretty sure it was him.
Bryn: LOL. He’s a real piece of work. The Omte have a very particular way of doing things.
Me: Don’t we all?
Bryn: That’s true. I have to run. It’s Ridley’s mom’s birthday dinner tonight. But you can message me anytime if you have more questions.
Me: Thank you. Have fun with your family!
I slumped low in the seat and scrolled through my phone, checking my various messages. It was mostly junk mail, but there were half a dozen from Hanna—all basically demanding to know exactly what was going on and what I planned to do about Eliana. As if I had managed to figure out and solve the whole thing in the few days since I saw her last.
There was one email from Dagny, written with all the emotion and flair I’d come to expect from her:
To Ulla Tulin—
I have learned nothing new about Eliana or her whereabouts. Elof is continuing to research your blood.
Do let me know if you find anything that you think would be valuable to me or Elof.
I assume you are otherwise fine.
Best—
Dagny Lilja Kasten
Lab Assistant to Docent Elof Dómari
Troglecology Dept. at the Mimirin
Merellä, the Kingdom of Vittra
I replied to her right away. It was easy because I had nothing to tell her, and I knew she wouldn’t immediately bombard me with a hundred replies demanding answers I almost certainly wouldn’t have.
The Jeep was running so I could charge my phone while messaging Bryn. (The roaming drained the battery like nothing else.) Since the car was already running, I clicked on the radio. I had to surf through a mixture of country, blues, angry jazz, and more country before landing on some nice mellow pop.
Humming along to the music, I leaned my head against the headrest and closed my eyes. The stress of the last few days weighed heavily on me, and I had no idea how I was going to figure it all out.
I tried to think back to what Finn had taught me about meditation. He insisted that was the only way he could handle his demanding job, six children, and his mother moving back in with them. Breathe in through the nose, hold for three seconds, exhale through the mouth for six, and remember that I am a rock, I am the river, I am the storm before the rains.
The door to the Jeep creaked, and my eyes snapped open. I looked over to see Pan leaning inside.
“Is this seat taken?” he asked with a crooked smile.
“No, of course not. Come on in.” I sat up straighter and turned down the Ed Sheeran song on the radio.
Once he’d settled into the seat beside me, he asked, “How are you doing?”
I shrugged. “Good, I guess. How ’bout you?”
“I’m good,” he allowed. “But I’m not the one hiding out in the driveway.”
“It’s not really a driveway, and I’m not really hiding out,” I argued, but Pan merely arched his eyebrows, resting his dark eyes on me. “I was texting an old friend to see if she could help me sort some of this out. But unfortunately, there’s not much to be sorted out.”
“What do you mean?” Pan tilted his seat way back, like mine, and he put one arm behind his head.
“Not everything has an answer.” I shook my head. “Ugh. That sounds so pretentious. I’m just trying to prepare myself in case I don’t ever find out everything I want to know.”
“Well, yeah.” He laughed. “Nobody ever gets everything they want. Did you think that was an option?”
“No, no, no…” I sighed. “I mean, you get it. You never met your dad, right?”
“No, we lived near him when I was a baby, and he held me and visited us. But I don’t remember it, obviously, and my mom didn’t take any pictures.” He paused and exhaled loudly. “It’s almost like it never happened at all.”
“How do you…” I spoke slowly, choosing my words very carefully. “How do you accept that? That you’ll never really know your dad? Sorry for being so blunt. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the very real possibility that I might never find my mom or dad.”
“For me personally, the truth is that I don’t,” he admitted in a thick, low voice. “I don’t rage about it every minute of the day, but sometimes, yeah, I still get angry about it. And if I let myself dwell on all the things that were taken from me, all the moments lost, I can be really angry for … for a while.
“But then I try to remind myself of the stuff I do have and then focus on all the things I want to do,” he went on. “I can be sad and mourn the past, but I can’t live there, and most importantly, I don’t want to.”
I smiled at him. “Thanks. I’ll try to remember that.”
“Are you gonna hang out in the car for a while?” Pan asked.
“I don’t know,” I said hesitantly.
“The fireflies are starting to come out.” He pointed through the windshield at the infrequent little pops of light against the dusky pink sky and inky black water.
“Oh?” I glanced around in confusion. “They’re nice, but I have seen fireflies before.”
“Rikky said she’s going to feed Bitta the three-legged alligator once the fireflies are out. She says he always comes out around then, and she tosses him raw chicken off the back dock, if you wanna watch.”
“Oh, yeah, I absolutely wanna see that,” I said. “Is she doing that now?”
He nodded excitedly. “Yeah, about now.”
“Then we should go.”