The stairs proved to be easier than I expected; then again we were going down. Even Jack was able to hang off the edge and drop to the lower step each time. It took a long and tiring time to get to the bottom and by the time we did we were barely able to stand. Between us and freedom was a huge lobby, a guard hut, a drawbridge, a longer walk across the clouds, an immigration post (hopefully still unoccupied) and a short beanstalk descent to our balloon. I just hoped we wouldn’t collapse from exhaustion before we got to it.
Basili had dropped to his knees. ‘Oh, Mr Harry, I do not think I am making it to our balloon. You must be leaving me here and be going on without me.’
Before I could give my heroic reply about never leaving a man or ex-genie behind, Jack fell down beside him. ‘Me neither,’ he gasped, ‘but please don’t leave me here and go on without me.’
Miss Muffet bent over, struggling for breath and put her hands on my shoulders for support. ‘They’re right. I’m tired too. We need an alternative option, otherwise we’ll never get back.’
Privately, I was glad they were exhausted; I was too. I just didn’t want to be the first to admit it. ‘Okay, find someplace to hide while I see what I can come up with,’ I ordered. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, but I had to find something and fast. If the giant or one of his goons spotted us we were toast – or maybe soup.
I scuttled away and, still hugging the wall, made my way to the room adjoining the giant’s music room. The door was slightly open so I was able to peer through the crack and take a look around. From what I could see, I was looking at the dining room. A huge table and chairs dominated the centre and pictures of Neringus and the rest of what looked to be a very ugly family indeed adorned (if adorned could be said to be the correct word) the walls. My quick examination revealed nothing that might be of assistance and I was wondering if I’d find anything useful when I became aware of a raucous noise coming from the far end of the lobby. It wasn’t loud enough, or even sophisticated enough, to belong to a giant and sounded like whoever was making it was having a good time.
The goblins! Of course; the giant’s guards had to have someplace to live while they were off duty. They were hardly going to commute up and down from Grimmtown on a daily basis – and they had to have some way to get quickly to and from any rogue beanstalks that might suddenly appear in the giant’s domain. Imbued with a fresh, albeit faint, sense of hope, I headed towards the source of the noise, alert for any stray goblins.
As I got close I could see the source of the goblin revelry was a small wooden cottage, nestling snugly under the stairs out of sight. I wasn’t too bothered about checking it out, though. Oh, no, all I needed was the rat-drawn cart that was secured to a post outside the cottage. Now, in normal circumstances, the fact that the vehicle was drawn by two giant rats that seemed to be all teeth, fur and drool might be a cause for concern, but, in my current circumstances, I couldn’t really afford to be choosy. It was the cart or nothing. At least, being goblins, they hadn’t bothered with any guards outside the cottage. This wasn’t really carelessness; if I had been them, I wouldn’t have been too worried about anyone breaking in and stealing anything belonging to me. It was a giant’s castle after all – who’d be mad enough? Apart, that is, from me.
Oh, so carefully, I sneaked up to the rats and, mindful of the teeth, gently untied the reins all the while muttering, ‘easy boys’ and ‘there, there’. I know they weren’t horses, but I wasn’t sure how exactly to address a giant rat. All I wanted to ensure was that they didn’t decide I looked like a very appetizing meal. Fortunately, either I didn’t look appetizing or they’d already been fed because I managed to undo the reins and step up onto the driver’s seat without any difficulty. The difficulty, of course, happened immediately afterwards. No sooner was I on the cart than the door to Goblin HQ opened and one of them came out for a smoke or a stroll or something. It didn’t take him long to spot that his personal fleet was being hijacked.
‘Oi, you,’ he bellowed. ‘Get down off that. It don’t belong to you.’
I didn’t stop to discuss the ethics of robbery when in a desperate situation. I just grabbed the whip from the holder beside me, cracked it over the rats’ heads and yelled ‘mush, mush’. The rats bounded forward, almost toppling me off balance as the cart lurched beneath me. I heaved on the reins and tried to force the rats over to where the others waited. For a few seconds it was rat against pig; they wanted to go one way, I another. Bit by bit I managed to force them in the direction I wanted and once they saw I was stronger (and had a whip), they caved in and raced away towards the foot of the stairs.
‘Everyone, get ready to jump,’ I roared at the others. ‘I’m not sure I can get this thing to stop.’ To their credit, when they saw me bearing down on them in a rat-powered cart ,they didn’t bat an eyelid. In fairness, they’d seen so many strange things that day this was just one more – and one that they could grasp.
I pulled back on the reins, shouting, ‘Whoa boys’ at the same time (well, in fairness, my only exposure to animal-drawn vehicles was what I’d seen watching Westerns, so my grasp of commands was based on what I’d heard cowboys say). The rats didn’t really ‘whoa’, but they did slow down enough to allow my friends to clamber in the back. Once they were safely on board, I cracked the whip once more – now that I was getting the hang of it – and the carriage raced towards the drawbridge.
‘Faster, Harry,’ Jack shouted into my ear. ‘The goblins are coming after us.’
True, but as they were on foot, they had no chance of catching us. I was far more concerned about those in the guard hut at the drawbridge, who, even now, were swarming out. Either the card game was over or they’d been alerted to our presence.
‘Goblins ahead,’ I roared. ‘I’m going to need help up here. Anything in the back we can use.’
‘We’re onto it,’ Miss Muffet replied. Seconds later she appeared on the seat beside me.
‘Well?’ I said hopefully.
‘‘There isn’t much by way of weapons, but there is lots of fruit and veg – most of it rotten. It’s not great, but,’ she hefted a head of cabbage in her hand, ‘it’s better than nothing. Okay, everyone, grab something and prepare to pelt.’ There was a scuffling from behind as the others burrowed into the rotting pile to find the best weapon.
Out in front, the goblins were forming a ragged line and bringing weapons to bear. Seconds later they were running for cover as a barrage of rotten tomatoes, cabbages and what looked like a very solid head of cauliflower (‘that one was mine,’ Jack yelled gleefully) rained down on them. To tell the truth, I think the vicious snapping of the giant rats probably had more of an impact, but, either way, it cleared them out of our path. The cart bounced across the drawbridge and onto the road that led back to the beanstalk. Surely nothing could prevent our escape now.
Of course, as soon as I think something like that, inevitably some new obstacle presents itself in our way – or in this case, right behind us. From the music room, I heard the urgent shouts of the harp as she alerted her master to our escape. Damn, she had seen us.
This was followed by a bellowing like an explosion and the giant roared, ‘FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN…UM…AH…PIG, TWO HUMANS AND SOMETHING ELSE. BE THEY ALIVE OR BE THEY DEAD, I’LL GRIND THEIR BONES TO MAKE SOUP, BREAD, A NICE PIE AND SOME LEFTOVERS FOR SUPPER.’
I hoped that if he did catch us that I would be dead before he decided to use us for some cookery, though my priority was to make sure we weren’t actually caught at all. I cracked the whip once more trying, to get as much speed as I could out of the rats. To be fair, they were tearing along the road at a fair lick; I just didn’t think they’d be able to outrun the giant with his huge strides.
The ground shook as the giant started to run.
‘He’s catching up,’ Miss Muffet’s voice was on the edge of panic. ‘Can’t you go any faster?’
‘I probably could, but the rats can’t,’ I shouted over my shoulder. ‘Is there anything left you can use to slow him down?’
‘It’s fruit, Harry, not a tactical nuke.’
‘Well, throw it at him anyway. Maybe it’ll distract him.’ I know, it was a stupid suggestion but it was the best I could come up with.
‘No, wait.’ Jack had decided to enter the conversation. ‘I’ve got a brilliant idea. Just do what I do.’
Unable to look at what was going on behind or risk crashing the cart, I kept my eyes firmly on the road ahead, hoping that Jack’s idea would work.
‘Everyone, throw the fruit on the road in front of the giant, maybe he’ll slip on it.’ I could hear the desperate enthusiasm in Jack’s voice, but, as ideas went, it wasn’t the worst. Mind you, it wasn’t the best either. The chances of Neringus slipping were…
‘Whoops, there he goes,’ Jack shouted. This was followed immediately by a loud crash as the giant hit the ground. The vibrations bumped the cart into the air and it bounced around wildly for a few seconds before I could get control once more.
‘What’s he doing now?’ I asked, wondering if Jack’s idea had given us enough time.
‘He’s getting up, but very slowly,’ Miss Muffet said. ‘He looks a bit dazed.’ She paused for a second. ‘Oh, no. He’s after us again, but at least he doesn’t seem to be moving as fast.’
Onwards we raced, pursued by the stunned giant. From the confused commentary in the back of the cart, he seemed to be gaining, just not as speedily as before.
Ahead, I could see the tip of the beanstalk getting nearer and nearer; I hoped we’d make it in time, but, just when I thought we were going to do it, I noticed that the rats’ pace had begun to flag. In fairness, I’d driven them hard all the way from the castle and they hadn’t let me down. By now their tongues were dangling from their mouths and their fur was covered in sweat. They were probably on the point of collapse and I couldn’t really blame them; they hadn’t much left to give.
‘How near is he?’ I roared.
‘He’s almost on us,’ Miss Muffet replied. ‘Can’t you go any faster?’
‘The rats have had it. There’s nothing in the tank.’
‘There’s got to be something you can do.’
The rats were almost at walking pace now. ‘There’s only one thing for it,’ I said.
‘What?’ exclaimed the others in unison, clearly expecting another great idea.
‘We get out and run,’ I replied, to groans of disappointment. That was a clear signal my idea didn’t entirely meet with the approval of the group. Then again, some of us weren’t exactly built for running; at a pinch – and this was most definitely a pinch – we might just be able to manage a brisk walk. ‘Like, now.’ I jumped off the cart and ran – well, lumbered – towards the beanstalk. Following my example, the others followed, Jack in the lead, then Miss Muffet and, at the back, a less-than-mobile Basili.
Freed of their passengers, the rats lurched sideways off the road, dragging the cart behind them. It was a small diversion, but might just be enough. As the giant pounded after it, we raced towards the beanstalk, arriving just as Neringus realised his mistake and changed direction again – only this time straight at us.
Without looking, I jumped straight down through the cloud-cover, hoping that the balloon hadn’t drifted away. It hadn’t and, as an added bonus, I had a soft landing on the bodies of the goblins we’d dumped there earlier. Pausing only to throw them out of the basket (and onto a large nearby leaf – I’m not that cruel, you know), I undid the mooring rope just as the others fell into the balloon behind me.
‘How fast can this thing drop?’ I asked Miss Muffet.
She pushed me aside. ‘As fast as ballast and hot air will allow. Now let me drive.’
The balloon drifted sideways, away from the beanstalk, and, as Miss Muffet made adjustments, slowly began to descend back towards Grimmtown.
‘Can’t it go any faster?’ I asked.
‘Give me a chance,’ she replied. ‘I have to make some very precise calculations.’
‘Maybe if I climbed back out there and pulled off one of those patches, would that work?’
‘Unless I get it right very soon, you might just have to.’
Bluff called, I skulked back over to the basket’s edge and looked up. As I did so, a huge foot planted itself on the beanstalk and, seconds later, the rest of the giant followed, climbing down after us, his eyes focused on the not-so-rapidly-descending balloon.
I looked over at Miss Muffet once more. ‘I know, I know,’ she said. ‘You don’t have to tell me. He’s up there isn’t he?’
I nodded.
‘Okay, time for extreme measures.’ She pulled a cable and the parachute valve at the top of the balloon opened, releasing hot air. The balloon began to drop more rapidly.
‘That’s more like it,’ I said.
‘Just keep an eye on how fast we’re dropping,’ Miss Muffet replied. ‘I’d prefer a gentle landing as opposed to a crashing one.’
‘You’re okay; the ground’s a good bit away yet.’
‘And we’re moving towards it a little bit faster than I’d like,’ Miss Muffet pointed out. ‘And what are we going to do when we land? The giant won’t be far behind us.’
Her point was well made. Think, Harry, think.
When the obvious solution struck me, I slapped myself on the forehead for taking so long to come up with it. I grabbed my mobile and made a call to Ezekiel Clubfoote. Zeke supplied me with whatever equipment I needed – and could afford. If he didn’t have it, it probably didn’t exist, and in the past I’d asked for some very strange stuff indeed. This time, however, my request was a simple one. Zeke listened, told me he could provide it and it’d be there when we landed. I thanked him and hung up.
‘I have a plan,’ I said. ‘But it’s contingent on getting to the ground before he does.’ I jerked my trotter in the giant’s direction.
Miss Muffet looked at Neringus, took a quick glance over the edge of the basket and announced that it would be a close thing – which wasn’t exactly what I was hoping for.
I followed her example and looked down. A large crowd had gathered around the base of the beanstalk, all of them looking up at the bizarre chase going on above. Apart from the usual crowd of rubberneckers, I could see the police, operatives from Beanstalk Control in their bright green uniforms and, unless I was very much mistaken, most of the guests from the B&B. I wasn’t surprised by the gathering; even by Grimmtown standards, a hot-air balloon being chased down a beanstalk by a giant wasn’t something they saw every day. Although most of the onlookers were a safe distance away, of course, there was also a smaller, more gormless, crowd closer to the base of the beanstalk looking up at us in fascination. Unless they got out of the way soon, they risked being crushed by the rapidly descending balloon.
I waved my arms frantically. ‘Get out of the way, you idiots.’ Being the polite citizens they were, they happily waved back at me, seemingly oblivious of their impending demise.
‘Morons,’ I muttered. ‘Well, if they can’t be bothered to listen, anything that happens to them won’t be on my head.’ Which was true, it’d be on theirs – and in a matter of seconds, judging by our rate of descent. Miss Muffet was right: it was going to be close. The small sea of faces below grew closer and closer and it would have been funny in other circumstances to see the way their expressions changed from bland looking-up to the sudden realization that they were in imminent danger of death. This was quickly followed by a scattering of bodies and a crash as the balloon hit the ground recently vacated by the idiot spectators.
I didn’t waste any time checking everyone was okay, I just hurdled over the basket’s edge and roared, ‘Did anyone leave a package for me?’
Almost immediately, Queenie Harte and Mr Zingiber struggled forward carrying a large trunk between them. ‘Is this what you’re looking for?’ the gingerbread man grunted.
‘I expect so,’ I said, as they gratefully dropped the trunk at my feet. I quickly undid the large clasp and opened it. ‘Oh, Zeke,’ I whispered, as I looked inside. ‘You’ve excelled yourself this time.’ Turning back to the balloon, I yelled at the others to get out of the basket as fast as they could. With Neringus almost within grabbing distance they didn’t need any encouragement.
‘Everyone stand back, this beanstalk is about to come down,’ I shouted.
‘Cool,’ I heard Jack say. ‘Have you an axe, just like the Giantkiller?’
‘Axe be damned,’ I said grimly, heaving a large chainsaw out of the trunk and revving it up. ‘I don’t believe in wasting my time and energy.’ With the last remnants of my strength, I strode over to the beanstalk and held the chainsaw against the trunk. Bits of wood sprayed in all directions as the saw bit in. Above, the giant saw what was happening and stopped climbing down. Once I saw I had his attention, I pulled the chainsaw away and looked up at him.
‘Now, I’m not normally a betting man,’ I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt, ‘but if I was to guess, I’d say I could cut this baby down before you got to the ground.’
‘You wouldn’t,’ Neringus said; a trifle uncertainly, I thought.
I revved up the saw once more. It made a very reassuring roar. ‘Try me.’
Behind me the crowd had begun to chant, ‘Cut it down! Cut it down!’
‘See,’ I said. ‘Even the crowd is on my side.’
‘What do you want?’ the giant asked. Good. At last he was starting to see sense.
‘I want you to head back up to your lovely castle in the clouds and not bother me again,’ I said, swinging the chainsaw towards the beanstalk for effect.
The giant flinched. ‘That’s all?’
‘No. Did you really think that would be all?’ Now that I had him where I wanted him, relatively speaking, I had to make the most of it. ‘Some nice people from Beanstalk Control, along with representatives of our police service, will probably be along to pay you a visit and relieve you of Sinbad’s treasure, which as we know, doesn’t actually belong to you.’
‘But I was only minding it for him,’ the giant stammered. ‘He asked me to.’
‘And now you can make sure that it’s returned to its rightful owners, seeing as Sinbad won’t be needing it for quite some time yet. Do we understand each other?’
Neringus nodded. ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Now toddle back up there and leave us alone, or else…’ I revved the chainsaw up one last time. I must say, I quite liked the noise it made.
Fearful of plummeting out of a chopped-down beanstalk, the giant climbed quickly away, to the accompaniment of the cheers and applause of the onlookers. Soon he was out of sight and hopefully back where he belonged. Since that he was out of our harm’s way, I handed the chainsaw to one of Beanstalk Control’s representatives. ‘I know it’s an unlicensed growth and needs to come down, but, before you cut it down, the cops will need to go up there. That guy’s been hiding Sinbad’s treasure since he went to jail, so it needs to be recovered and returned to the original owners.’
The BC rep looked confused, but nodded anyway; he probably didn’t know what else to do.
‘And now,’ I announced to the crowd with a flourish, ‘I just need to wrap this case up once and for all so, if the police would be kind enough to escort all the B&B’s guests into the house and make sure they don’t try to escape,’ I did a quick headcount just to be sure everyone was still there, ‘I’ll explain everything.’ Then another thought struck me. ‘And if one or two of the police could remain here, I suspect that two more refugees from above may be arriving at any second. If they do, assuming they haven’t become a giant’s nourishing bowl of soup, they’re to be arrested immediately.’