Most impossible goals can
be met simply by breaking them
down into bite-size chunks, writing
them down, believing them, and
then going full speed ahead
as if they were routine.
— Don Lancaster
Arriving at one goal is
the starting point
to another.
— John Dewey
Helpful Hint: It’s important to set goals for an Aspie. Aspies live by goals; they need to achieve. However, Aspies cannot be changed overnight. The goals set for them must be met one by one.
The adage “parents know what’s best for their child” usually holds true. The exception is when the parents of an Aspie create a long list of ambitious goals for their child. An Aspie cannot be changed overnight. When parents set goals for an Aspie, they should do so incrementally. Parents should write down every change or goal they’d like for their children, then order them by importance. They should discuss the goals with their children and be sure that everyone agrees on the importance of each goal. When everyone is on the same page, then they can set the rules, rewards, and consequences for each goal.
When Pati first began working with Rebecca a year or two ago, she knew we needed to take small steps to reach all the goals we had—for Rebecca and for our family as well. Pati asked each of us to identify what we wanted to accomplish and to rank each item on the list by importance. My priority was to have more positive communication with Rebecca each day. So together with Pati, we established the rule that Rebecca and I would phone each other once a day. All conversation had to be positive, and whoever dialed the other would be the one to exit the call by saying something nice. Each call was to last at least five minutes but not more than fifteen. The rule was specific, with rewards and consequences set in place. This seemingly simple goal was anything but—it took eight months to achieve it to the satisfaction of both Rebecca and me. But calling me on the phone now comes naturally to Rebecca.
A family goal was to have a monthly get-together. To achieve this goal, we set aside one day a month for having a family meal and playing some board games. Other goals included getting Rebecca more involved socially, bringing her to the middle school to tutor, and attending family get-togethers with less reluctance. We crossed them off the list one by one.
If we had tried to reach all our goals at once, or if we had told Rebecca about all of the items on the list as we started them, she’d have thought we were overloading her and we’d never have achieved even one of the goals.
ACTION PLAN: Parents or caring third parties must realize they can’t tackle all their goals for their Aspies at once. Introduce goals gradually, and master each one before going on to the next. If you try to move through the goals too quickly or introduce them all at once, you will end up with an epic fail. Take your time working with your child to achieve your goals and his goals. Let him believe he’s controlling his life. Moving at a deliberate pace on something so important frustrates many parents. Just remember: One step at a time, and pick your battles carefully.
