22 It’s Not About You

The merry-go-round
just goes around.
I like the roller coaster.
You get more out of it.

—Grandmother in Parenthood

Helpful Hint: Never forget, it’s not about you. It’s about your Aspie.

Parenthood is one of the great movies about, well, being a parent. In one of my favorite scenes, the grandmother (played by the late Helen Shaw) explains to her grandson Gil (Steve Martin) and his wife, Karen (Mary Steenburgen), the difference between a merry-go-round and a roller coaster.

Grandma: When I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.

Gil (uninterested): Oh?

Grandma: Up. Down. Up. Down. Oh, what a ride.

Gil (clearly uninterested): What a great story.

Grandma: I always wanted to go again. It was just interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled, all together. Some didn’t like it. They were on a merry-go-round. But that just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

The “emotional roller coaster” is perhaps the metaphor for the ups and downs that make life worth living. The merry-go-round makes you merry and maybe a bit dizzy. But the roller coaster terrifies you, excites you, thrills you. You’re the parent of an Aspie. You tell me: which of these two rides is more analogous to your day-to-day existence?

Knowing you’re on an emotional roller coaster—each and every day—is what makes it so hard for me to shake you and say, “It’s not about you. It’s about your Aspie.” Your Aspie is the one navigating the maze every day of her life. Sure, you’re wandering through one too, trying to help. I understand that. But you’re not the afflicted one. Your Aspie is. Don’t lose sight of that.

So you cried at your niece’s wedding because your Aspie may never experience marriage. Well, ignoring the statistic that more than half of all marriages in this country don’t work out, who are you to feel sorry for someone just because they’re not married? You’re not the one struggling awkwardly with every relationship in your life. You’re not the one who battles each day to learn all the difficult rules of socializing. Your Aspie’s the one who does that.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not about you.

What’s that? Your Aspie just verbally brutalized you when she stated an obvious fact that cut your inner emotional core to shreds? She made a blunt comment about something you’re sensitive about? Your weight? Your crow’s feet? Your job? Your divorce? Your close friend who’s very sick? And when you responded like a wounded animal, your Aspie was surprised, looked at you, and said, “Well, I’m just telling you the truth.”

Anger is not going to help you or your Aspie any more than self-pity will help you. Easy for me to say? Not really.

But the real question is, what are we trying to accomplish here? Answer: Whatever you can do to help the situation. You need to focus on the actions you can take to effect a positive change in your Aspie’s behavior patterns to help her do better. When your Aspie does better, you feel better. And you do better. Life is better.

I’ll give you all the accolades you want. Yes, you make daily sacrifices. Yes, you do so much for your Aspie. If you’re a single mom, you deserve a special place in heaven. Maybe the father headed for the hills when he couldn’t handle it, leaving you alone to teach your child, battle the schools, fight the medical establishment, deal with the bullying, go to work each day to support the family. You deserve so much admiration.

But Ms. Single Mom, you angel with the pit bull mentality, you know what? It’s still not about you. I know you’re tough. You deserve a big pat on the back, a parade down Main Street, and much more. But let’s get back to work. Let’s get back to doing positive things to help your Aspie maximize her success in a society not designed for someone with a brain that’s “different.” Together, let’s give all people with the brains God gave them the best opportunity to maximize their independence, productivity, success, safety, and happiness. Everyone deserves that shot.