23 Love Unconditionally

Intense love does not measure, it just gives.

— Mother Teresa

Helpful Hint: The greatest gift you can bestow upon your Aspie is the gift of unconditional love. That individual with the somewhat different brain absolutely needs your unconditional love.

Principle: If you think being loved is important to you, multiply that importance a thousand times over for Aspies, who feel tremendous anxiety at the thought that as a result of one of their actions, you might withhold your love. Because of their insecurity, what seems like a minor incident to you can cause them to doubt your love.

Imagine you’re an Aspie. You’re having a conversation with your mom. In the course of the conversation, she asked you if you had a good time yesterday with your dad. You tell her no. Your mom gives you a look. You’re thinking: You asked me a question, I answered you honestly. Now you’re shaking your head. I can see you’re sad. I agree with what Jack Nicholson said in that movie we watched together: “You can’t handle the truth!” If you didn’t want the truth, why did you ask me in the first place?

Now you’re looking at me funny. I’m not sure what you’re thinking. That I don’t love you? I love you. And you’re the ones who are always hovering over me, following me everywhere, who won’t let me escape to my room, who throw me into crowded rooms with lots of loud people, but I know that you love me. Or do you? Have I disappointed you too many times because my brain just can’t keep up? Would you like to trade me for another child? With all of your rules and consequences, with your constantly telling me what to do and what not to do, with your always pointing out how I’m never doing things right, maybe you don’t love me.

ACTION PLAN: The most potent tool in your Aspertoolbox is love. When I think of my daughter, Rebecca, and how I love her so much and how blessed I am that she (and no one else) is my daughter—well, sometimes I wonder if she knows that. I know I say to her, “I love you all the time, no matter what.” Love your Aspie all the way, all the time. And let him know you love him. Leave no doubt. (And let everyone else you love know it too.)