Think I’ll take a rest right . . . here. Ah. Lying facedown in the sand on Mt McSauba Beach. A thousand years later I roll over and sit up. Across the inlet is a factory with little twinkling green and red lights. Someone said they make cement there. The beach is dotted with bonfires, distant voices, tiny laughter. I dig my fingers into the sand and pull up cool handfuls. Two shadows turn into people, a guy and a girl, headed my way.
“Hello pals,” I say.
“Hey there,” from the male, “we’re looking for Tony Patch.”
“I am not him.”
“No shit, Shakespeare. But is he around down the beach there?”
“Not to my knowledge, which I have to admit is limited.”
“Okay, good enough. What the hell are you doing?”
“Not much. Contemplating suicide.”
“Whoa. That’s heavy. You better get off your ass and come with us.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes.”
I squint up at the girl. “Why don’t you speak, honey?”
“Why don’t you?” she says.
“Well. I am.”
“Enough chitchat,” says the dude. “Let’s move.”
We walk in silence. Gradually we come upon a gathering. I see my new friends clearly in the firelight. No one here has heard of Tony Patch. Or no wait, someone has but he’s maybe down that way? Pointing out into the darkness. We walk on.
“When I find that motherfucker,” says the guy. “Yeah, what?” I say. “Nothing.” He laughs. “Good times.”
“So why do you wanna off yourself ?” says the girl. “Why do you?”
“Touché. But I don’t.”
“Me either. Not anymore. You saved me.”
“Wow. I never saved anyone before. This is exciting.”
Our arms brush together, the backs of our hands. “Wait’ll you meet good old T Patch,” the guy says. “Good times.”
“Good times and great oldies,” I say.
But it’s the same deal at the next stop and the next one after that. We walk from fire to fire and everyone’s like: Tony Patch? Yeah I don’t really know the dude but I’m pretty sure he’s around here somewhere, a friend of a friend told me etc.
“Man oh man oh man. When I find that motherfucker.”
“Come on, you gotta tell me,” I say. “What’s gonna happen? I’m dying to know.”
“Look man, I wish you wouldn’t talk like that, considering your current state of mind and all. I’m here for you. Rachel and I both are.”
Finally our quest is temporarily derailed. Turns out the guy knows some people here and we stop. A huge fire, the biggest I’ve seen, thick black smoke going upward. I’m down at the water again with Rachel. “I like you,” she says.
“Now how could you possibly know that?”
“Because. I can tell. You’re beautiful.”
“Beautiful? Is that a joke?” I look around. “Am I on fucking Candid Camera?”
“No. What’s wrong with that? Don’t you think you’re beautiful?”
I laugh for about five minutes and finally eke out a no. She’s closer to me now and it’s getting sexier. I point behind me and say, “What about homes?”
“Who?”
“Your boyfriend.”
“Who, Maurice? He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t really have boyfriends. I’m more about experience. I don’t need to be all wrapped up in someone else’s trip.”
“I see. Their trip. What decade do you live in again?”
“This one. Experience never goes out of style.”
“Good point. Will you please take off your shirt now, please?”
“You’re so bold. I had no idea. You looked so helpless there in the sand.”
Shaking my head. “It’s all a big fucking, what’s the word, façade.”
“Which, bold or helpless?”
“Both of them.”
Nothing matters, not the endless, heaven-high fire behind us or the truth beneath those waves or this chick’s tongue. I started it. Use me, take me with you to hell or your mother’s house. We scale the dune and get in her car and hit the winding back roads of Charlevoix. “We’re gonna have to be quiet,” she says.
“Why are you doing this?” I say a few minutes later.
“Because you asked me,” Rachel says, “because you said please twice.”
It’s a tiny perfect house in a clearing in some thick woods. A white dog greets us as we walk in the door and follows us down the hall, into the room. “Hey Lucky.” She scratches Lucky’s ears and kisses Lucky’s nose. Then she kisses me, pulls me by my shirt down to the floor. “My parents’ll hear if we’re on the bed,” she whispers.
Lucky lies near us, basically just being a dog.
As we’re kissing and rubbing she reaches for the pecker, her strange warm fingers on my belly. The levels shoot into the red and a switch flips. Cold fear spills in and floods the system. I put my hand on hers to stop it from going further.
“Isn’t this what you wanted?” she says.
“It was. Not anymore.” Now just who the fuck is using my voice here?
“Oh. Well. What do you want then?”
“Only this,” I say, hugging her. She hugs me back. I put my head on her chest, on her breasts. Lucky gets up and stands over us and I feel the warm dog breath. I reach up and stroke the fur. “What do you wanna be when you grow up?” Rachel says.
“Someone else,” I say. “How about you?”
“My mother’s a nurse. I definitely don’t wanna be that.”
“What then?”
“Something where you get to travel, like a flight attendant.”
“You’re not afraid to fly?”
“No,” she laughs. “Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Is there anything you’re not afraid of ?”
We lie together on the floor drifting in and out of sleep till the light at the window changes. In another room a clock radio comes on and Rachel makes me get under the bed. Good move. About ten minutes later the door opens slowly and her father walks in. I can tell from the Caterpillar work boots. “Hey Lucky, hey girl.”
Rachel shifts on the bed and releases a long theatrical sigh. “Hi Daddy.”
“Hey,” he whispers, “just lettin Lucky out. Go back to sleep.”
“Is Mom going in today?”
“Yeah but not for a while yet. We’ll see ya.”
Again with the big fake yawn. “Okay,” she says. The door closes.
Not for a while yet?
Rachel gets out of bed and leaves the room. I hear her voice dimly, addressing her mother. A car starts out front and then a shower turns on somewhere. A couple of cupboards slam and then Rachel’s back. She slips a Pop-tart under the bed. “Sorry,” she whispers. “It’s just till my mom leaves. Close your eyes maybe, try and sleep.”
Maple and brown sugar, my favorite flavor Pop-tart. There are worse things. At least the room smells good, even down here among the old bags and shoeboxes. Rachel begins snoring gently above me. I close my eyes and sleep and dream.