Chapter 14

An hour later, Cody brushed the back of his fingers against Hailey’s cheek, and her eyes fluttered open. She smiled and nestled against him. “How long was I sleeping?”

“Just long enough to embed this cabinet handle in my back,” he teased.

“I’m sorry,” she said, without any effort to move.

Cody ran his hand through her hair, letting the long, dark copper strands sift between his fingers. “I’m not.”

With a yawn and a catlike stretch, Hailey sat up and slid off his lap. “Do you still have feeling in your legs?”

He stared at her with an overdone starry-eyed look. “I can’t tell—your beauty has numbed me, my love.”

“Oh, gag!”

“It’s good to hear you laugh again, Little Foot,” he said softly.

The tone of his voice brought the pressure of tears behind her eyes again. She stared up at him, folded her arms tightly across her chest, and tried to put words to her feelings. “I was so afraid of telling you.”

“What did you think I would do?”

“I don’t know. . .but knowing your stand on abortion—I mean, of course you believe in forgiveness, but, oh. . .” She sighed in frustration. “I guess I figured you’d have standards. . . .” She looked at him helplessly.

“You assumed I would never consider a serious relationship with someone who’d had an abortion.”

Hailey nodded. She was sitting cross-legged next to him, and he sat up straight and folded his legs to match, facing her so that their knees almost touched. He fingered a strand of her long hair that was touching his leg, brushing the ends back and forth against the palm of his hand. Staring down, he said, “And who would I be to condemn you for what God has already forgiven?” He looked across at her. “I have very high standards, Hailey. I won’t date a non-Christian, and I won’t date a Christian who’s not truly committed to serving the Lord. I won’t compromise my values—I’ve drawn lines for myself that I refuse to cross, and I won’t date a girl that I couldn’t imagine marrying someday. But I’m certainly not looking for someone who never makes mistakes!” He shrugged. “There are a few things you need to know about my BC days.”

Seeing her confusion, he clarified. “ ‘Before Christ.’ I was no choirboy! I was smoking pot, on my way to becoming an alcoholic, and I’d been with half a dozen girls before that glorious day when I got my head stuck in the toilet and became a believer!” He laughed at Hailey’s wide-eyed expression. “I’m pretty ashamed of all that, but what matters are the decisions I’ve made since that time.”

“Have you. . . ?” Hailey flushed, not knowing how to finish her question.

“If abstained is the question, the answer is yes. I haven’t been with anyone since I was sixteen.”

“But how? I mean, with the Lord’s help, I know, but. . .thirteen years is so long, and you’re so. . .” She blushed under his stare.

“Yes?” He was enjoying her discomfort.

She smiled and made a face. “You’re so incredibly. . .gorgeous!”

Cody laughed and rubbed the tips of the hair he held against her chin. “Thank you. You’re pretty easy to look at yourself, you know.” He stared at her ocean-blue eyes and the lips that turned up in a half smile. “I never said it was easy. One of the lines I never cross is spending too much time alone in a pantry with a beautiful woman.”

He looked deeper into her eyes, watched the pink rise in her cheeks, felt his pulse quicken, and took a deep breath. “Would you like to go out for dinner? Like, now?”

She laughed, stood up, and offered him her hand. “I’d love to, if you don’t mind taking me home first. I only have my heels, and they don’t go with the jeans, and T.J. spilled punch on my dress.” She let go of his hand when he was standing, then turned and walked out of the pantry and into the kitchen.

“I suppose we’d better lock both doors. I think I got everything put away. There’s a ton of leftovers, enough to feed Paige and me and the kids until David and Karlee get back, but I’ll stop over tomorrow and pick all that up.” She walked to the front door, locked it, and walked back to find Cody still standing in the doorway of the pantry, grinning at her and shaking his head. She stopped and stared at him.

“Is something wrong?”

“You sure can talk, lady!”

She stopped in her tracks, put her hands on her hips, and tried to glare at him. “Is that going to be a problem? Because if my talking is going to cause you a problem, Dr. Worth, then I think you’d better say so right now, right up front, ’cause I don’t want it coming up somewhere down the road after I’ve already fallen head over heels for you and burned all my bridges behind me. So if it’s going to be a problem, we can just end this relationship, just nip it in the bud before it goes anywhere, before we even get started, and. . .”

He took two steps, stopping just inches before her, put one hand on her back, the other on the back of her head, and pulled her into his arms, pushing her face gently into his chest to silence her. Pressing his lips against the top of her head, he said, “It’s way too late for that, girl.”

❧

The round table for two was set in a darkened corner of the Italian restaurant. Hailey slid her finger along the bumpy wax that coated the green bottle in the rattan holder. She stared at Cody’s dark eyes through the candle flame, watching the soft light accentuate the angles of his face, the high cheekbones and the muscles of his jawline. She pushed aside her half-finished lasagna and traced the red and white squares on the tablecloth.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Cody said.

She smiled contentedly. “It does happen. Occasionally.”

“We’ve covered the bridal shower, the wedding, and the Sparrow Center—now tell me about you.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

“Starting with the day I was born?”

“That’ll do, unless you remember anything earlier.”

“Well, actually, my parents tell me I was conceived during a snowstorm. . . .”

“You don’t have to go that far back!”

“Okay. Well, let’s see, my dad was in the Marines, so we traveled all over until I was about eight. Then we moved to Nebraska and stayed there. I had an uneventful childhood, went to nursing school after high school. . . The rest you’ve read in my résumé.”

“I think you must have left out a few details.”

“Maybe a couple; my long-term memory isn’t the best.”

“Okay, tell me about recent history.”

“Well, about three hours ago I was trapped in a pantry by a tall, dark, and handsome man, and I fell asleep and woke up in his arms.”

“I think you left out a few details there, too.”

“Yeah, maybe.” She pressed her finger into the soft wax just below the candle flame, breaking the dam that held a pool of liquid wax. The stream flowed down the side of the bottle and pooled on the tablecloth. Since she’d been a little girl, she’d possessed the ability to lose herself in the smallest of details when she was trying to shut out the world or fend off disturbing thoughts. But something Randy had said kept coming back to her.

“Have you ever felt that God was cornering you?”

Cody smiled. “Many times.”

“I’ve felt that way the last few weeks, since my interview, actually.”

“God cornered you and told you to go out with me, right?”

“Well. . .that was obviously part of it.” She smiled across the table. “Could you be serious for a minute?”

He pushed aside his empty plate, moved the candle to the side, folded his hands on the table, and leaned toward her. “I’m all yours.”

Hailey took a deep breath. “I guess it really started almost two years ago, but I didn’t recognize it—you don’t see God’s hand in things when you’re not even convinced there is a God.” She smiled nervously as she poked at the hardening wax on the tablecloth with her fingernail. “I was in this ugly mood for weeks. I’d never gone through a true depression before, where your energy is completely depleted, and you lose your appetite. I sort of prided myself on not being that kind of person, but there I was, dragging around, asking, ‘Is this all there is?’

“Anyway, Rachael, this girl I worked with, was convinced that what I needed was the right guy, and her boyfriend just happened to share an apartment with Karlee’s high school boyfriend, who I’d secretly had a crush on since I was eleven. To make a long story short, he never knew I was Karlee’s sister; we went out, had a great time, got drunk, and ended up at his apartment. Two days later he and his friend left for Texas without a word.”

Cody slid his hand over hers. “And you found out you were pregnant.”

Hailey nodded. “After the first few days, the denial wore off and I started adjusting to the idea. Then I started even liking it. I sat in the nursery during my break one day, just rocking this little preemie, thinking what a good mother I’d be. I’d seen this little silver music box in the hospital gift shop, and one day on my way out, I bought it. I took it home and wound it up and laid it on my belly so the baby could hear it.” She pulled her hand away, fumbled in her pocket for a Kleenex, and blew her nose.

“I had this. . .this. . .” She squeezed her eyes shut and fought the sobs that were rising in her chest. Cody rubbed his hand along her arm.

“Take your time,” he whispered.

“Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop crying.” After a few deep breaths, she went on. “I had this silly fantasy that Randy would come back in the spring, see me pregnant, and somehow we’d all live happily ever after. The craziest part about it was that I really didn’t even know him, and what I did know should have convinced me that he wasn’t the husband and father type by any stretch of the imagination!

“It was the first part of December when I found out I was pregnant, and I went around in that little fantasy world for two weeks, but I still hadn’t told anyone. Then one night I was over at Rachael’s house when she got a call from Marty, her boyfriend. He wanted her to fly down there after Christmas. She talked to Marty for a while; then she told him to put Randy on. She asked him if he wanted her to bring me along, and then she flipped on the speakerphone so I could hear his answer. He was laughing; I could tell he’d been drinking.”

Hailey took another deep breath and stared beyond Cody. “He said, ‘No, find me a blond. There’s only room in my heart for one redhead.’ ”Anger flashed in Cody’s eyes, and his hand moved to her shoulder. She was shaking uncontrollably. Cody stood and took off his sport jacket and laid it over her shoulders.

He picked up the check and pulled his wallet out of his pocket. “Come on,” he said, putting his arm around her as she stood. “Let’s take a walk.”

He paid for their meal, then steered her to a bench beside the river that ran behind the restaurant. Hailey leaned against him, feeling the night air evaporating the tears on her cheeks. “I should have thought about it longer. That’s the part I keep playing over and over. There was a doctor who had been at our hospital and then moved to Lincoln, and I knew he did abortions. So I called and made an appointment and made a reservation at a motel because I didn’t know if I’d be up to driving home, and I didn’t want anyone going with me. . . . If only I had talked to someone. Most of my friends probably would have told me to go ahead with it, but I could have called Karlee, or talked to my mother. . . .”

Cody tightened his arm around her and rested his cheek on top of her head. “You were scared.”

Hailey went on as if she hadn’t heard him. “Maybe some women can claim that they didn’t know it was a baby; they can convince themselves that it was just a mass of cells or something, but I’m a nurse, a pediatric nurse. I know fetal development; I know my baby had fingers and toes and a heartbeat.” Her words were coming in short gasps, and Cody encircled her in his arms, wanting to quiet her, yet knowing instinctively that she needed to get it out.

“I just wanted it over with. I didn’t let myself think. I remember turning up the radio on the way to Lincoln, making it so loud I couldn’t think. I was awake the whole time, and Dr. Johnson kept talking to me, asking about people who worked at the hospital and how the new wing was coming. I remember thinking that he sounded just like my dentist, just like I was getting my teeth cleaned.” She covered her face with her hands and sobbed. “There was something so. . .cold about the whole place. I mean, it was sterile and professional, but there was this. . .horror inside me. It was like being raped.”

Taking a shaky breath, she leaned closer to Cody, feeling his warmth for the first time. Her voice was softer when she continued. “I took a sleeping pill that first night, and for a long time after that. All the way home, I kept saying, ‘It’s all over; it’s all over.’ I must have said it hundreds of times, like a chant. I kept waiting for the relief, but it never came. I put in for a transfer to cardiac the next week, and gradually I just got on with life.

“When my brother-in-law died last May, I remember saying and doing all the things I thought I needed to do for Karlee and the kids, but feeling detached, like I was watching myself go through the motions but not feeling anything. Even when my dad had a stroke, I just didn’t let myself feel. I guess I was afraid that if I started to hurt again, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

“In November I came out here to spend some time with Karlee. I was thinking about moving in with her, partly to help her and partly just running, I guess. When I got to Karlee’s, Randy was there, and things got really ugly. Just seeing him brought it all back, and on top of it all, he was obviously still in love with her.”

“Did you tell him about the abortion?”

Hailey nodded and was silent for several minutes. “He finally came back to apologize.”

“Good.”

“This afternoon.”

Cody pulled back and stared at her. “What?”

“He was at Karlee’s when I went back to get David’s present.”

“No wonder you looked like you’d seen a ghost when you got back.”

A brief sad smile crossed her face. “I guess I had.” She told him about Randy’s visit.

“Is he still around?”

“Randy’s not an issue, Cody.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, he’s still around, but he’s not a threat. I had a chance to talk to him about the Lord this afternoon. He’s searching.”

He pulled her close again and smiled. “Very clever. You’ve found the only reason on earth for me not to tell you to never see him again!” His voice grew serious. “I have to believe that this guy showing up right now is no coincidence. God’s working on him. And on you.”

“I know. It’s like God is hitting me with everything all at once. Like I finally have to deal with it because there’s no place to hide.”

“Maybe because He has a special job for you.”

She smiled up at him, knowing full well what he was implying.

“This is what you call ‘Direction with a capital D,’ right?”

“Right.”

They stared out at the slow-moving river, the lamplight swimming in yellow swirls on the surface.

“Cody?”

“Hm?”

“You know what scares me the most?”

“What?”

“Telling David.”

Cody nodded. David had lost his first wife and only son while they had been serving as missionaries in Africa. A sudden illness had caused his wife to go into premature labor, and she and the baby both died.

Taking her hands in his, Cody said, “Can we pray?”

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Lord, thank You for bringing Hailey to this point and for never letting go of her. This healing may take awhile, but I’m just so grateful for Your perfect timing. Give her peace when she talks to David and Karlee—let her love for You be evident to Randy. Lord, in his searching we can already see some of the good You can create even out of our mistakes.”

Hailey’s voice was low and husky. “This is hard, Lord. I’m learning to accept Your forgiveness, and I believe that Jesus took the punishment for what I did, but it’s so hard to forgive myself. Give me the strength I need to do whatever You call me to do.” She squeezed Cody’s hand. “And thank You, Lord, for giving me this special friend.”