We’ve talked about how you might be feeling right now and why; what happens in our brains when we hit a tough patch and how this translates into behaviour. We also understand how, if we employ unhealthy coping strategies again and again – if we make a habit out of dwelling or venting or numbing – then these become learnt behaviours. Our brains literally tell us to go down these well-trodden paths. But we can learn different behaviours and go down different paths! Ones that increase our feelings of security and strength. In short, when it comes to building real strength, we’re in charge. So how can we prepare ourselves? How do we actually lay down the foundations for real strength?
When you hear the word ‘mindset’ you may think of it as a synonym for ‘attitude’, and you’d be right. But did you know that in psychological terms, just two mindsets, two attitudes to life if you like, have been identified: the ‘fixed’ and ‘growth’ mindset. Out of these two mindsets, which we manifest from a very early age, springs a great deal of our behaviour, our relationship with success and failure and ultimately our capacity for happiness and real strength.
The concept of mindset – and the fact that all of us have either a ‘fixed’ one or a ‘growth’ one – is a very simple but effective idea developed by Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck after decades of research into success and achievement. Dweck wanted to find out why – if you took a group of people who had the same talents, skills and resources – some of them achieved, often excelling in their field, and others fell by the wayside, even dropping out entirely.
Let’s look at both mindsets in more detail. What do they mean? How might they affect the way you live your life and, ultimately, your ability to thrive despite setbacks?
Put very simply, those with a fixed mindset think that their basic qualities – such as intelligence, talents and skills – are ‘fixed’. They believe that what they were given at birth is all there will ever be, and so tend to spend their time documenting these skills and level of intelligence, rather than developing them, believing this to be futile.
The fixed mindset is all about judging – This means I am/I don’t/I can’t. They also believe that success is merely the ‘affirmation’ of inherent strengths they already possess, rather than evidence of how much they have, and can grow. They believe that innate talent alone creates success – not effort. But they’re wrong!
People with a growth mindset understand that having brains and talent is a good starting point, but also that nobody ever accomplishes things without passion and hard work.
They believe simply that they can grow their brain’s capacity to learn and improve and that failure is all part of this process. The very fact that they are not just willing to fail, but see failure as an essential platform for thriving, means that people with a growth mindset are naturally more resilient and strong. And so it follows, if you want to develop inner strength, it’s very important to work on developing this.
The answer is definitely ‘yes’. In fact, a growth mindset is already being taught in worlds of business, education and sport, developing motivation and productivity, enhancing resilience and relationships. This is because, just like thriving, it’s all about growth and learning, rather than winning. Someone with a fixed mindset thinks: what’s the point in anything unless I am the best? The person with a growth mindset, on the other hand, thinks: how can I improve? Be better? Learn from this situation?
We shall be talking a lot more about the power of grit, what it is and how you can develop, it in Chapter 8. For the meantime, however, it’s enough to tell you that grit – or should we say, gritty people – share very similar, if not the same, traits as those with a growth mindset. A bit like how resilience and strength go hand in hand, so do grittiness and growth mindset; so it figures that if you’re laying down the foundations for real strength, it’s a good idea to understand and foster both.
Interestingly, the author of Grit, Angela Duckworth, who developed the idea, had very similar research objectives to Carol Dweck: to find out why some people – given the same talent, intelligence and resources – accomplish more than other individuals.
As part of her research, in the summer of 2004, she went to study 1200 army cadets who were just about to begin the ‘Beast Barracks’– an infamous seven-week grueling training course where candidates would toil for 17 hours a day with no break. Some dropped out, but Duckworth wanted to find out why this was and why some people endured the course.
‘Scientists have tried to solve this puzzle for more than 50 years,’ writes Duckworth. ‘But even the school’s best means of screening its applicants – something called the “whole candidate score,” a weighted mixture of a student’s SATs, high school ranking, leadership ability, and physical fitness – does not anticipate who will succeed and who will fail at Beast.’
And so, Duckworth designed her own way of scoring candidates, giving each a survey that tested his or her willingness to persevere in pursuit of long-term goals. She called this measure ‘grit’. And it worked! The cadets’ answers helped predict whether they would make it through the grueling ‘Beast Barracks’ to the bitter end.
“Grit is living life like a marathon, not a sprint.”
Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
Although grit and resilience share many of the same qualities, what differentiates grit, perhaps, is the requirement for ‘passion’. Resilience is having the optimism and the ability to get back up after a setback, whereas grit is having the passion and the perseverance to carry on with a task or challenge over a long period of time.
Taking this into consideration, as you prepare yourself mentally to build real strength, it’s probably a good idea to set aside some time to thinking about how you can do this with passion. What motivates you? What are you passionate about? How can you connect with this passion (or passions) to not just overcome the adversity you’re going through, but to stick with it for as long as it takes?
“In order to grow from painful experiences and feelings, there needs to be an increased willingness to experience these feelings without putting up defences.”
Dr Michael Sinclair, Consultant Psychologist
So you now hopefully have a better idea about what real strength actually is and how you might prepare yourself to cultivate more of it. The very act of thriving also rests upon your willingness to go through pain. Just like working on any muscle, strengthening your psychological one is going to take effort and perseverance, not to mention mastering some skills, so it’s essential you’re not just ready, but absolutely WILLING.
But let’s look for a moment about what ‘willing’ actually means. How can we describe this attitude to the changes you’re about to make? And how can you be sure you have it?
First, ‘being willing’ to sit with discomfort and difficult feelings is not the same thing as ‘tolerating’ them.
This, by the way, is the great thing about willingness, and should be a big motivation for sitting with emotions rather than reverting to type and pushing them away: the more you’re able to sit with emotions, the less distress you will have in the long run and the faster the trauma will be over.
So, simply staying still and letting the feelings wash over us is one way we can show willing when it comes to accepting adversity in our lives, but there are other things too.
Now, add up your scores from each answer, and find out how you deal with uncomfortable feelings, using the following table:
| A | B | C | D | |
| Q1 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q3 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q4 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q5 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q6 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q7 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q8 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q9 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q10 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
You’re interested in how your mind works, so rather than ignoring difficult feelings, you treat them as a source of information. You may have an interest in mindfulness that has taught you the value of being curious about feelings and exploring them without attaching judgement to them. It’s the basis of a ‘growth mindset’ that allows you to learn from adversity. Whether it’s an instinctive mindset for you or something you’ve learned, it will form the basis of your resilience and inner strength.
Humour is your best defence as it helps you get uncomfortable feelings in proportion and feel in control again. It’s also a way to diffuse group tension and get people talking. You are adept at using humour as a kind way to get your point across when you feel someone has let you down or annoyed you. Sometimes, people can accuse you of never taking anything seriously but they’re missing the point – it’s because you can be so deeply affected by things that you need humour for self-protection.
Taking your mind off things is your default way to start to process uncomfortable feelings, whether that’s using exercise, throwing yourself into work or a hobby, or simply meeting up with friends and talking about other things. Distraction gives you the distance you need to look at what you’re feeling and where it’s come from without reacting to it.
It may have been a hard-won battle, but you’ve come to a place where you understand that you have to be your own best friend. So when uncomfortable feelings hit, you’re most likely to ask yourself, ‘What do I need right now to get through this? How can I support myself?’ You’re also good at not judging or criticizing yourself for bad decisions.