It’s the million-dollar question isn’t it? Why do some people seem more able to deal with and overcome adversity, while others crumble?
Scientists have been studying this for years. Specifically, they have looked at the difference between ‘orchid’ children and ‘dandelion’ children. This is a metaphor developed by the Scandinavians. The general consensus behind it being that a ‘dandelion child’ can remain healthy and survive in harsh environments, but might remain average or unremarkable (like a weed). Orchids, on the other hand, require protection and shelter to thrive. However, under the right conditions and with nurturing, when an ‘orchid child’ fully blossoms he or she is extraordinary.
Excitingly, in 2015, scientists from Duke University made a breakthrough discovery. They identified a specific gene variant linked to ‘orchid’ children who are highly sensitive to their environments and are particularly vulnerable to stress. The genetic marker is part of the glucocorticoid receptor gene NR3C1 that influences the activity of a receptor to which cortisol binds and is directly involved in the stress response.
In another study, it was identified that the children who carried the NR3C1 gene variant were much more likely to develop serious problems in adulthood if they did not receive special support services.
If left untreated, 75% of high-risk ‘orchid’ children with the NR3C1 gene variant went on to develop psychological problems by age 25. These behaviours included substance abuse, aggression and antisocial personality disorder.
The good news, however, is that when children with this gene variant participated in intensive support services, only 18% developed problems as adults.
It’s a hopeful finding … Far from being doomed, the children particularly sensitive to stress were also particularly responsive to help and had the capacity to become highly resilient, leading members of society, with the right nurturing, loving kindness, empathy and social connection.
Another recent study by Heather Rusch at the National Institute of Health’s National Institute of Nursing Research revealed two critically important factors associated with resilience in the face of adversity, and the good news is that they are both under our control.
In the study, 159 women who had endured serious physical assault were given a questionnaire designed to gauge their current and past levels of post-traumatic stress disorder and other psychiatric conditions, as well as various measures of resilience, social support, personality and quality of life.
The positive news is that 79% did not develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following the assault. The most negative outcome was depression, which affected 30%. The researchers then divided respondents to the questionnaire into three categories:
What they found was that those who had recovered and had never been diagnosed had two qualities in common: mastery and social support.
Mastery refers to the degree to which individuals perceive themselves as having control and influence over life circumstances. This is not the same as optimism, which is the expectation of positive outcomes. Interestingly, mastery – not optimism – is the better predictor of resilience in the face of trauma.
The second factor, social support, was also crucially important. But the emphasis is on ‘support’. Respondents who reported strong supportive social ties were less likely to develop psychiatric disorders and more likely to recover from them if they did. In contrast, unsupportive, unreceptive and critical responses from friends, family or coworkers actually increased the risk to PTSD survivors. The researchers believe the negative impact likely arises from attempts to discourage open communication, which increases cognitive avoidance and suppression of trauma-related memories, social withdrawal and self-blame.
“We all have the ability to cultivate resilience.”
Dr Michael Sinclair, Consultant Psychologist
Consultant Counselling Psychologist Dr Michael Sinclair relays that if you’ve dealt with trauma in the past using unhelpful coping mechanisms (such as avoidance), it could make you less resilient going forward. On the other hand, if you learn from these experiences instead, it could help you a great deal in the future. Imagine you suffered a trauma in your youth, such as losing a parent or being bullied. If your coping strategy then was to bottle up your emotions – but you learnt that this was unhelpful – you may well have discovered a healthier strategy which would most likely serve you well in the future. You had to experience the trauma, however, in order to make that discovery – hence why it’s how you dealt with traumas, and what you learned, that determines how resilient you’re likely to be in the future.
With this in mind, we can understand how, if you take two individuals who suffered childhood abuse, one might grow up to be an incredibly resilient adult and the other incredibly vulnerable, depending on the coping strategies they used. Equally, just because you’ve had a relatively easy life so far, it doesn’t mean you will crumble at the first hint of trauma. You may be genetically predisposed to positive re-framing of situations and creative thinking, which will make you naturally manage the situation better when something does happen.
It is also a common misapprehension that resilient people don’t have negative emotions or thoughts, remaining optimistic in most or all situations. On the contrary, resilient people have just developed proper coping techniques over time and are able to balance negative emotions with positive ones. As a result, they don’t tend to over-react to difficult situations.
The key phrase in that paragraph is ‘over time’. When trying to answer the question of whether some people are more resilient than others, it’s crucial to remember that even though some people may have a natural or nurture-based leaning towards real strength, it’s not a rare quality and anyone can develop it when they know how.
So, we’ve already heard a bit about how genetic factors and past experiences affect your ability to be mentally strong. However, there are a few things – a few core qualities if you like – without which, you’re going to struggle. Put another way, there are some qualities that all strong people possess, that lay the perfect foundations from which strength can grow. We’ve identified these as:
We already touched upon all three in Part 1, but let’s take each one in turn, and look at it in more depth.
Dr Michael Sinclair defines a value as a ‘freely chosen, global quality of ongoing action’. Basically, values are not goals – they are the qualities we want to bring to the actions we take as we go about our life in the many different contexts and roles we have. We can set ourselves value-based goals and take committed action towards these. They inform how we’re going to do it, and why.For example, in terms of overcoming struggles, a goal might be: I want to get through this adversity, but the value might be: by being kinder to myself or by being a calmer mother while I do it. Taken at their most base level, ‘values’ are what matters to us. When we take the time and trouble to find that out, and then live our lives accordingly, we feel much stronger inside and more self-confident.
Susan David is a clinical psychologist and author of the book Emotional Agility. In her TED talk of the same name, she says, ‘What makes the most difference to our lives and our happiness are the habits we create that are imbued with our values.’ She goes on to talk about the importance of having values that are linked to our ‘want to’ goals rather than our ‘have to’ goals, if we want to stay strong – and how resilient people understand that. Your ‘want to’ goals, she explains, are basically your personal reasons for achieving those goals, whereas your ‘have to’ goals are more about other peoples’ opinions and what you feel society expects from you. To relay an example David uses in her talk, of the struggles we come up against, imagine you are trying to lose weight. Then you open the fridge to find a huge piece of chocolate cake. Our chances of resisting the cake, she explains, have nothing to do with willpower. Willpower alone won’t keep you from eating it. However, if you can tune into your value or values informed by your ‘want to’ goals, rather than your ‘have to’ goals, you stand a much higher chance of being strong and resisting temptation.
A ‘have to goal’ in this situation might be: ‘I have to resist the chocolate cake and lose weight otherwise people are going to judge me at the school reunion I’m going to next month.’
Your ‘want to goal’ on the other hand might be: ‘I want to be able to look and feel good about myself at the school reunion, so I’ll resist the chocolate cake.’
Our relationship to temptation becomes different when informed by our values. These are informed by our ‘want to goals’, so it makes sense to identify them – even to write them down.
If you were to think of your struggles like a stormy sea, then your values are like rocks to cling to. They are the things that help you to hold on, even when you’re being bashed about by high waves; the things that keep your feet fixed on the ground. Your values are what should be important to you and what matters. They can be specific to whatever struggle you are going through (for example, I’m trying to lose weight), or more relevant to your life and how you live it in general (for example, I value being a good friend). It is a good idea to define both in your life: a list of ongoing values for your life in general and more specific ones relating to what’s happening in your life at present. The most important thing to remember is that the strongest people are able to uphold their values no matter what else is happening in their lives. So make yours as deep as possible.
In Part 1, we talked a little about passion (in particular, how it is a vital component to grit). It’s much easier to be strong if you are passionate about whatever challenge you’re facing. For example, making it to the end of a tough training programme at work, or finishing writing a novel. If you’re looking to develop your strength or grit, one way would be to surround yourself with passionate people; passion breeds passion after all.
Passion is also probably the one factor that differentiates grit from resilience. Grit is not just about bouncing back, it’s about being able to keep going – and passion is your motivator.
Finding your passion will reveal where you want to direct your energy and guide your goals. It’s the fuel for the fire in your belly, as well as the fuel for this journey you have embarked upon: from trauma to triumph.
It’s important to understand that when we talk about passion in terms of grit and real strength, we don’t mean intense emotion or emotional fireworks. Rather, we mean something that burns long and hard – we mean consistent attention and focus on something over time.
So what is your passion?
Many people find it hard to answer this question. Some people find themselves pursuing lots of different goals, but are not actually sure about their ‘passion’. In these instances, something called ‘a goal hierarchy’ can help, because it enables you to split up your goals into bite-sized chunks. This then helps you to see whether those goals serve a common purpose – that common purpose being your true passion.
The ‘goal hierarchy’, or ‘GBS’ goal breakdown structure, was developed by Joseph M. Juran in his Quality Control Handbook. It was originally used for project management in a business context, but has been adapted by coaches and psychologists alike for individuals. The goal hierarchy comprises of three ‘tiers’ of goal: low-level, mid-level and top-level.
Passion is about being loyal to your ‘ultimate concern’ and being gritty means holding your ultimate goal for a long time, so you can better make the ‘ultimate concern’ something you really, really want! Passion is like the compass that guides you to where you want to be. It keeps you focused and strong during a tough challenge.
We already touched upon the importance of purpose in Chapter 3 when we talked about developing a growth mindset. We looked at how having purpose was vital for that, for believing that with effort (and purpose!) things can improve. So what is purpose?
In very basic terms, it is a reason for doing something: as in, my purpose for going to town is to go to the bank, or my purpose for calling my mum is to ask her when is next convenient for me to visit her. In terms of ‘purpose’ in the context of real strength, however, it is your central, motivating aim; it’s the reason you get up in the morning.
Purpose, and living with purpose, feels like you are doing something you were made for. It feels authentic and makes you feel alive. Ever been cooking or writing or looking after someone and felt entirely content, like you’ve lost track of time? That’s living with purpose.
Purpose guides life decisions and can influence behaviour; it can shape goals, offer a sense of direction and create meaning. Therefore, having it is not just good for resilience, it’s vital.
It’s important to remember that purpose, too, is different for everyone. Some people find purpose in their job or vocation in life, some in their friendships and relationships, and some in spiritual or religious journeys.
Also, your purpose can shift and change at different times of your life, depending on what’s happening. It tends to be readdressed at times of adversity and big changes. This, then, is one of the major upsides of struggle. Struggles force us to re-evaluate our lives and whether or not we’re living them as we wish. They give us an opportunity to curate a better, happier life.
So, how can you find your purpose?
“Resilience is about learning to identify and let go of bad habits and finding smarter ways of doing things.”
Liggy Webb, consultant in behavioural skills and author of Resilience
Purpose – and finding it – can be about long-term goals and long-term visions, but there are also things we can do to live our day-to-day lives in a purpose-filled way. Some of the ways in which you might do this are:
One of the common features among people who live with purpose is that they are able to find meaning in things that happen to them. Andrew Zolli, author of Resilience, describes these people as being able to ‘cognitively reappraise situations and regulate emotions, turning life’s proverbial lemons into lemonade’.
However, having a strong sense of purpose is not just beneficial to our emotional and mental wellbeing, it’s also great for our physical health too.
A 2009 study of over 73,000 Japanese men and women found that those who had a strong connection to their sense of purpose tended to live longer than those who didn’t. Dr Patricia Boyle, a neuropsychologist at the RUSH Alzheimers Center in Chicago, also found that people with a low sense of purpose were 2.4 times more likely to get Alzheimers than those with a strong purpose.
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In summary, then, research suggests that people who have a deep sense of purpose, strong values and a passion in life are healthier, more resilient, happier and more in control of their lives. They also experience less stress, anxiety and fewer bouts of depression.
We need purpose, values and passion in life just like we need to feel like we belong and connect to others, because we need to feel like we are adding value. Knowing your purpose will help guide how you choose to live your life and what you choose to strive for over other things. In short, having purpose connects us to ourselves. And when you feel connected to yourself, you will grow in strength.
Now add up your scores from each answer, and find out what underpins your personal resilience, using the following table.
| A | B | C | D | |
| Q1 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q3 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q4 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q5 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q6 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q7 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q8 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q9 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q10 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
Staying in touch with what matters to you, and living a life that is in line with your values, determines how well you deal with setbacks and challenges. You naturally think big picture, and if you lose that sense of purpose, life can feel like a grind and your resilience is affected. Your resilience is compromised as soon as you feel that you are not living authentically. What is key for you is doing work that engages you, and making sure you spend quality time with people you connect with.
The mind and body link is key for you, and when you feel physically strong you also feel mentally resilient. Your mindset reflects your energy and your moods are a barometer of your wellbeing. When you feel well, you have a naturally optimistic outlook and can positively re-frame most situations. But when you feel tired, or you neglect your self-care, your mood and outlook tend to dip. You need to check in with yourself every day, and ask: ‘How am I feeling? What do I need to feel my best today?’
Social support improves resilience in most people, but for you, it’s the key factor. When you feel supported and understood by people who you care about, you feel like you can deal with most things. You are a natural team player at work and often find yourself mentoring and supporting others. Your resilience is compromised when you feel unsupported, so you struggle more than most to get over break-ups or deal with conflict at work. But rather than ruminating, talking through your problems will help you process them and find a solution.
When your self-confidence is low, you feel buffeted by the storms of life. Minor problems feel like huge hurdles, and small disagreements can seem like major sources of conflict. You may have always struggled with self-esteem and, even if you have worked hard to change the way you feel about yourself, it remains your weak point. The first sign for you that your resilience is low is being self-critical or doubting of yourself. It’s time to start treating yourself like your own best friend.