Chances are you’re going through a period of great change in your life right now. Change is one thing we can rely on happening, and yet many of us find it hard to navigate. Big changes in life – and small ones – can make us feel destabilized and anxious about the unknown on the other side. Change means uncertainty and stepping out of our comfort zone, and so it tests our resilience. In fact, the quickest and easiest way to measure your inner resilience is to observe your own reactions and behaviour as you experience change. Some people are naturally change-averse and some people relish it. There are probably more people in the first camp than the latter, but one thing’s for sure, change WILL happen and tackling it well is at the heart of real strength.
The good news is there are plenty of techniques you can learn to help you to do that. We’ll be exploring them in this chapter.
If you feel like you’re struggling through whatever change you’re going through, it may be comforting to bear in mind that, as human beings, it’s something we need.
In fact, as tricky and scary as it can sometimes feel, we cannot grow or develop without it. Change is necessary for human accomplishment – it is at the heart of our own life stories, and of the stories we read. The reason we read and enjoy fiction is because we see the characters undergoing transformation. They do this by experiencing struggle. You know that satisfying feeling you get at the end of a good book when you feel like you’ve witnessed the hero go through hell and come out the other side? That’s no accident. That process is the basis for all narratives and the basis for our stories of growth too.
The American mythologist Joseph Campbell coined the phrase the ‘hero’s journey’ to describe this path of change and development. The hero’s journey has five specific stages. We go through these same stages when we ourselves go through changes in our lives:
“A huge amount of upheaval may well cause anxiety, especially if we don’t understand why the change is happening.”
Liggy Webb, consultant in behavioural skills and author of Resilience
One of the main reasons that change is so stressful, and why it can stop you feeling strong and resilient, is that it threatens your perceived sense of control. This happens even with change that we want – such as moving house or finding a new relationship – but it is especially true of sudden and traumatic change: someone close to us becoming seriously ill, for example. It’s really difficult to think calmly and rationally when change is thrust upon us like this because everything seems so surreal – so out of our control.
“Everything outside your world looks distant and alien. The normality of life shifts so dramatically that it seems as though you can’t ever access it again.”
Sian Williams, author of RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma
This feeling – that we have lost control – is perfectly natural. We are creatures of habit, after all, and generally feel safer when things are familiar – be that our job, relationship or home. Put another way, when things change, we can feel unsafe, stressed out and frightened – the very opposite of real strength.
In the 1960s, the Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the ‘grief cycle model’. She proposed that any terminally ill patient would go through these five stages of grief on learning they were going to die. She also proposed that this model could be applied to anyone going through any life-changing situation – that is, any big change. It makes sense, since if you think about it, change IS loss: instead of losing a loved one, you are losing things being the way they were, so it’s no wonder it can throw us off course.
Take a look at them. Do you recognize any of the stages in terms of how you feel or have felt when going through change in your life?
Not all people will experience all of these stages when going through big changes in their lives, and you may find you get stuck on one stage – for example, denial. However, by understanding each stage of Kubler-Ross’s grief cycle model, we can better understand how to tackle the process of change. By recognizing and being aware of your behaviour in each stage, you can learn how to get to the acceptance part quicker and start to enjoy and embrace the outcome of the change that has taken place.
“Resilient people know that things change. They accept that it’s part of life and they get to the ‘acceptance’ bit a lot sooner.”
Liggy Webb, consultant in behavioural skills and author of Resilience
‘It isn’t the changes that do you in, it’s the transitions’, says William Bridges, author of Managing Transition. Transition, in this sense, means the psychological process people must go through to come to terms with new situations. There are two main bits to this process:
We’ll be looking at how to do that, in more detail, in a second.
Just as people’s coping strategies differ when faced with adversity and change, so do their perceptions of that change and adversity. You may think that some changes in life would be seen as traumatic by everybody – being diagnosed with an incurable illness for example – but actually, that’s not the case. So what does someone who doesn’t perceive a terminal illness diagnosis as ‘traumatic’ have to teach us? How come they’re so strong?
In her book RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, Sian Williams tells the story of her brother-in-law Martin who has stage four, incurable cancer but who does not see this as ‘traumatic’. Yes, he hates the chemotherapy and how the illness limits his life. He also recognizes that he’s had to make certain amendments to his life as a result of the diagnosis, but he doesn’t view these as traumatic either.
So what does Martin do? What is it about his thinking that means he does not perceive this seismic shift to his life as traumatic?
We could encapsulate his approach like this:
Martin cannot control this cancer, so he is actively thinking about how to integrate it into a fulfilling life. He is reflecting about his predicament. Also, he is exerting control where he can at the same time as being flexible and adaptable.
As Williams writes:
‘Martin is not stuck in a loop of why me? He’s thinking, ok there’s no cure for this so what can I do to make my life more bearable, even enjoyable? If we can all do that, then we can build up resilience.’
It’s very probable that if you’re going through big changes in your life, it’s the fear of uncertainty that is causing the most anxiety. As human beings we have to deal with uncertainty every day. We have to manage the state of not knowing as our lives are filled with unexpected events and surprises, but this is how we grow and progress in life. A certain amount of fear of what may lie ahead is natural, but if it is paralysing you, stopping you from living the life you want to live … you need to look at it.
Researchers Michel Dugas and Robert Ladouceur found that a core feature of worry is the inability to tolerate uncertainty. They found that some worriers even say that they would rather know for certain that the outcome will be bad, than be left in suspense over whether things will work out or not.
Perhaps it is worth pointing out here that since we can never know what lies in the future, worrying about it is not only a colossal waste of energy but also perpetuates stress. So how do we deal with it?
The trick is to practise sitting with our feelings of discomfort as we experience fear of uncertainty. Sufferers tend to try and second guess everything, so instead, try and trust your instincts and judgement. If something feels truly wrong, then it’s possibly because it is, and fear of uncertainty can sometimes be our brain’s way of protecting us from things that are bad for us (for example, a bad relationship). On the flipside, if we have too much unchecked fear, it can stop us from taking opportunities because we worry they won’t work out. So get curious about your fears: what are they really about? Are you worrying about something that is merely hypothetical? For example, that this person will get cold feet and hurt you? You can manage fears like this by enforcing boundaries: say to yourself (in the case of beginning a new relationship, just as an example) ‘I will treat this relationship as a certainty for 30 days and not worry about the outcome. At the end of those 30 days, I shall reassess my feelings: has what I was worried about materialized?’
We are all resilient creatures. But how can we access our well of resiliency, even at times of catastrophic change?
As we already touched upon briefly in Part 1, in her book RISE: Surviving and Thriving After Trauma, Sian Williams introduces us to Professor Stephen Joseph, who has worked with survivors of adversity for more than 20 years. Professor Joseph told Williams the story of American psychologist Carl Rogers, and Williams then regaled the tale in her book. As a boy living on a ranch outside Chicago, Rogers would go down to the cellar where his family stored potatoes. The ceiling of the cellar was made of solid wood but there was a small gap, and the sprouts of the potatoes would always find a way to grow towards it – they would seek the light. Professor Joseph likens this to the ‘self-actualizing tendency’ in human beings.
We, too, will always find a way to grow even in very difficult circumstances. But just like those potatoes, which were gnarled and grey, we may appear and feel unhealthy as we do it. Basically, change means struggle, and struggle can be ugly. However, Professor Joseph’s time spent with individuals going through trauma has taught him that just because a person may look like they are struggling, it doesn’t mean they are not growing inside. He says: ‘Like the shoots reaching out in the darkness, the potato looks very unhealthy … and if you looked at a person who was similarly trying to grow, you may not see lots of lovely positive things – it may look quite nasty, but it would still be that person striving to grow.’
Now add up your scores from each answer, and find out how you react to uncertainty, using the following table:
| A | B | C | D | |
| Q1 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q3 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q4 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q5 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q6 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
| Q7 | 6 | 8 | 2 | 4 |
| Q8 | 8 | 2 | 4 | 6 |
| Q9 | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 |
| Q10 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 2 |
As a creative thinker, you have an active imagination, but the downside is that you can vividly picture everything that could possibly go wrong. If you allow yourself to ruminate, you can also convince yourself that your worst-case scenario fantasies are actually real. The knock-on effect can increase your stress and anxiety levels. Mindfulness can help you rein in your imagination – when you feel your anxiety levels rising, try using your breath as an anchor for your mind, or simply grounding yourself in the present moment by checking in with what you are hearing, smelling or seeing.
Not knowing the outcome of a situation, or what is expected of you, can erode your self-confidence, so even if you’re normally self-sufficient, you may find yourself needing reassurance from others. You may become more sensitive to criticism than usual as you look to others for validation that you’re doing OK. Spending time with supportive people is crucial for you during times of uncertainty. Remind yourself that experiencing uncertainty can ultimately make us stronger, showing us that we can get through difficult times and learn from them.
It’s not surprising that uncertainty makes us cautious – it kept our evolutionary ancestors alive. But being too cautious can put the brakes on your life. When you are operating from a place of caution, you can find it hard to make decisions (in case you get it wrong), so you find yourself procrastinating. You may also find yourself trying to exert control by micro-managing situations, or becoming black and white in your views and opinions. Try arming yourself with knowledge instead, replacing imagined threats with facts or opinion, giving you an informed standpoint from which to act.
You may have perfectionist tendencies and are secretly convinced that being hard on yourself is what keeps you achieving. You find it hard to accept that you find uncertainty challenging because it can seem like a weakness or failing. Perhaps you internalized a critical parental voice during your childhood, which may manifest as seemingly innocuous thoughts such as, ‘Don’t mess this up!’, or be more obviously undermining, calling yourself names for not being able to cope. The truth is that you need self-compassion not self-criticism when you’re dealing with uncertainty. Try experimenting with giving yourself encouragement, and being your own coach, then notice the difference it makes to how you feel emotionally.