Chapter 31

By the second week of the New Year 1971, Ryan and Tommy had returned to the dorm at the state college, and Russell was back at Harvard. Sonny and Shelly had gone home to Chicago, where Sonny worked at Coulson Enterprises’ Chicago division. Although Sonny continued to have limited responsibilities with the family business, his interview with the FBI agents impressed his grandfather.

While Harrison Junior possessed no business savvy, Randall began envisioning a different future for his eldest grandson—politics—where Randall pulled the strings. He wondered if it was perhaps time to get Harrison properly wed and back in Coulson.

The story of a reported hitman’s body being found up by Sutter’s Lake kept the locals buzzing for a few weeks, but by Saint Patrick’s Day, Marino was a distant memory. Aside from the Kellers and the Coulsons, no one in town remembered seeing the man. Most assumed he was simply passing through, and whoever was responsible for his death was probably someone from Anthony Marino’s past, with no connection to Coulson. All assumed the killers were long gone. Even Russell and Garret, who had met the man, had a limited memory of him. Anthony Marino left no lasting impression on either brother.

Vera sat at her dressing table brushing her hair before going to bed when a knock came at her bedroom door.

“Come in,” she called out. Setting the brush on the marble tabletop, she turned to see who it was. Harrison walked in, closing the door behind him.

“I thought you were going to the club tonight?” Vera asked, surprised to see her husband still at home.

“No, I didn’t feel like going. Plus, I wanted to talk to you.” He lingered by the closed door.

“Come, please sit down.” Vera pointed to the empty wicker chair by her bedside. Picking up her brush, she turned to face the mirror again. Harrison walked over to the wicker chair and sat down. He watched Vera brush her hair. She was still a beautiful woman, much younger looking than her actual years.

“I thought you’d like to know, Dad spoke to some friends of his in the Bureau.”

Vera put the brush down again and turned to face Harrison.

“The FBI?” she asked.

“Yes. They haven’t any new leads on Marino’s death. They’re fairly certain someone from his past was responsible. But with no new leads, they’re looking at it as a cold case. It doesn’t look as if they plan to put much effort into finding who’s responsible.”

“Now what?” Vera asked.

“I suppose we go on like we always have,” Harrison said.

“I don’t know if I can,” Vera whispered.

“What do you mean?”

“I know our marriage started off all wrong. And it was my fault.”

“That’s not true, Vera.”

“You didn’t want to marry me. That was pretty obvious.”

“I was young. So were you. There were things I didn’t understand back then, things about you, about myself.”

“And you understand now?” she asked.

“Not everything, but yes, I think I understand better now. For a while, after Harrison was born, I thought things were going to work out for us. But then Garret was born and you pushed me away. And after Russell was born, you made it clear you didn’t want me in your bed again.”

“And you just accepted it?”

“I wasn’t going to beg, Vera. Not after all we’d been through.”

“But you didn’t understand.” Vera glanced down, unable to look into her husband’s eyes.

“Then explain it to me.”

They were silent for a moment.

“After Garret was born,” Vera began, “I was just so tired and I couldn’t sleep. I felt so guilty, because I wasn’t happy. I had two healthy boys but that didn’t matter to me. Sometimes…sometimes I just didn’t want to live anymore.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Say what? As it was, your mother thought I was a horrible mother. And after a few months, it got better, and I started feeling like myself again. But then Russell was born, and it was even worse than after Garret’s birth.”

“In what way?”

“I was so depressed, and when I looked at Russell, I just wanted him to go away. I know that’s a horrible thing to admit, but that’s how I felt. I didn’t feel like eating, I couldn’t sleep, and being intimate with you—I couldn’t bear the thought. But it wasn’t you, Harrison. It was me.” Vera looked to the floor for a moment.

“One day…” Vera looked up into Harrison’s face. “I have never told anyone this before, and while I don’t think Garret remembers, I suspect he remembers something.”

“What happened, Vera?”

“Russell was about three months old, and I just couldn’t handle his incessant crying. His neediness.”

“But he was just three months old.”

“I know that.” Vera smiled sadly. “But at the time I didn’t care. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. I took Russell upstairs, to the third floor—to one of the rooms with a balcony. Garret followed us up there, but I didn’t realize it at the time.

“I went out onto the balcony with Russell.” Vera closed her eyes, visualizing the long ago event. “It was breezy that day. The air felt so good on my face. While holding Russell in my arms, I stepped up onto the ledge of the balcony, fully intending to jump.”

“Oh my god.” Harrison’s face went ashen.

“Garret ran onto the balcony and shouted for me to get down. He was frightened. He was about eight at the time. I held out my hand and asked him to join me. I told him we could fly.”

“Good lord,” Harrison muttered. He felt ill.

“And then, something pushed me, right off the ledge, back onto the balcony. I don’t know how I managed it, but Russell was still safe in my arms. By this time, Garret had run out of the room, terrified, I suppose. And then I saw her.”

“You saw who?”

“Your mother. As clear as you sitting there. And then, she vanished. Falling seemed to snap me back to my senses, and I was horrified at what I’d almost done. Not just to me but to our sons. I immediately went to find Garret. I convinced him I was just playing. I told him it was foolish play, and he promised not to say anything.”

“My mother?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I suppose it was some sort of hallucination. After that, I tried to stay away from Russell… away from Garret. I didn’t want to hurt them. By the time Russell was almost a year old, I started feeling normal again. But by that time, I had pushed everyone away; I didn’t feel there was any way to repair the damage.”

“I’ve heard about this before, with other women. Did you ever discuss this with the doctor, at the sanitarium?”

“No, I was too ashamed. As it was, we discussed our marriage—our courtship. He helped me understand myself a little better. But I couldn’t tell him about the thoughts I had about hurting our boys—myself. What type of a monster wants to hurt her child?”

“I don’t believe you’re a monster, Vera. In your own way, you tried to protect them by keeping your distance.” He noticed her brushing away tears. “How do you feel about me?”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“What are your feelings toward me?”

Their eyes met. “I love you, Harrison. I’ve always been in love with you.”

Harrison stood up and walked toward his wife. She watched silently as he offered her his hand. She accepted it and stood up.

“I don’t want to go on as we have. I’d like to have a real marriage,” Harrison told her, his voice barely a whisper.

“Do you think that’s possible?”

“All we can do is try, Vera… All we can do is try.”