It was a strange, unsettling Christmas. Her parents were carrying in the Christmas tree as she drove up the small dirt road that led to the old house, and when they saw the jeep they dropped it in the snow and ran to greet her.
She could tell that they were relieved to see her, and it made her feel uneasy. She wished that they trusted her completely, but at the same time she realized that perhaps she couldn’t expect that, yet.
But at the same time she was happy to see them and glad to be home.
She felt a bit like one of those little balls attached to a paddle with a piece of elastic. She kept bouncing farther and farther away, but she always came back, and every time she returned safely her parents felt secure enough to send her out a bit further.
Was that what love meant?
She helped them carry the tree inside, and then she went to the attic and found the box of Christmas ornaments. The angel was there, at the very, very bottom.
Katie came up to the attic while she was trying to straighten it out, and when she saw the angel she took it and twirled it around in the air so that it looked like it was dancing.
Juliet and Katie carried the box of ornaments downstairs together and Juliet climbed up on the stepladder and carefully placed the angel on the top of the tree.
It was a silly angel really. The body was made of cardboard, and the skirt was cut out of red foil. It had glitter glued all over it, but the strangest thing about it was the eyes.
One of the eyes was a blue star, and the other was a red one.
“Remember the day we made her?” Juliet said as she climbed back down.
“Sure I do,” Katie said. “It was three years ago, and you wanted a blue eye and I wanted a red one.”
Juliet laughed. “I told you that no one in the world had a red eye, and you said it didn’t matter. You said it was our angel and we could do what we wanted. I thought you were silly then, but I was wrong.”
“I know,” Katie said.
Katie seemed to have grown, even though she was still much shorter than Juliet. For a moment, when Juliet looked at her, she felt envious, and then she felt sorry that she saw her sister that way. Why couldn’t she just think, well, this is Katie and this is me and we’re different and that’s fine? Why did she always have to compare herself to someone. First it was Cam, and now Katie.
Katie was cute. She was little, and funny, and cute, and Juliet had never been little or cute in her whole life. Katie had short, dark curly hair, and she had long straight blond hair, and why couldn’t that just be the way it was.
Juliet felt nicer the next day, after she had had a good night’s sleep. The whole family finished decorating the tree together, and then they went into the kitchen and made Christmas cookies.
Juliet was putting the last batch into the oven, when Katie started to cry. It came as a surprise to them all, since everything had been fine until then.
Juliet closed the oven door and went to her. She could tell that her sister wanted to run, and so she sat close to her and put her hand on her arm to stop her.
“What’s wrong?” Juliet said.
Katie wouldn’t speak for a long time, but finally she said something that Juliet couldn’t quite understand.
“Tell me again,” Juliet whispered.
“It’s the cookies,” Katie sobbed.
“What about them?”
“I don’t know how to do it.”
Juliet sat back and looked up at her parents. They seemed puzzled, but they seemed to understand that this was between Katie and Juliet and it was best if they stayed out of it. They left the kitchen then, and Juliet and Katie were alone.
“What? Make cookies? Of course you do,” Juliet said. Katie’s cookies had been perfect, so what was this about?
“You do it better.” Katie was angry now. “You do everything better!” she cried. “You do everything perfectly. Like the eyes. You always have the right color. Your eyes are always the right color.”
Juliet couldn’t believe it. She hated that she had chosen a blue eye. She thought that Katie had been creative, and she had been right, and dull, and boring.
“You’re beautiful,” Katie whispered.
How strange, Juliet thought. How very, very strange.
She touched her sister’s arm, gently this time, and said, “It’s funny, but I’ve been thinking that you were the beautiful one. You’re so pretty and cute, and I’m so big and, well, unsure about everything.”
Katie started to laugh then, because she was unsure about everything too, and now they could be unsure together. After a moment Juliet laughed too, and everything was all right.
The next day was Christmas and it was fine and warm and they were friends again.
Her parents gave her money for Christmas so that she could go to Canada, and she felt lucky to have parents who supported her comings and goings.