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“I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” I shouted and grabbed Ida Belle’s arm, and we ran for my Jeep. Pebbles flew from the tires as I sped to the park located in the middle of Sinful. The fountain was at ground level and ten feet in diameter with a tall metal apparatus in the center from which water sprayed.
“What in the world happened to Gertie?” Ida Belle asked. “Oh, no! I hope she hasn’t joined him.”
I snickered and slowed to a stop, wondering if Gertie was frolicking with Gary in the fountain, sans clothing. A crowd had gathered around the site and I was relieved to see Gertie wasn’t in the water; she was anxiously trying to get Gary out of it. He was indeed naked and hugging the iron centerpiece with water showering down on his head, his clothing dropped next to the fountain. Celia Arceneaux and her GW cronies were sneaking looks at Gary’s bare buttocks and at the same time complaining about his shocking display. Carter stood back from the group, looking amused as I pushed my way to the fountain with Ida Belle next to me.
Celia’s lip curled when she saw me. “I should have known it was your uncle behaving in such a vile manner.”
“Don’t worry. He didn’t pee in the fountain,” I said.
Her eyes became slits. “How do you know?”
“He prefers trees.”
“Humph! I’ve never seen the likes of this,” she spat.
“I’m pretty sure you have, but maybe it’s just been so long that you forgot.”
“No, Celia would have closed her eyes. Hell, I bet he did too, the unlucky fella!” Ida Belle appeared to be more disgusted by Celia’s presence than Gary’s indecent exposure.
I stuck two fingers between my teeth and whistled to get Gary’s attention. He looked over his shoulder at me, managing to convey a bashful yet stubborn expression.
“You need to come out of the water,” I told him. His brows dropped, and he tightened his arms defiantly. My brows lifted, and I put my hands on my hips. “Do I need to send someone in after you?”
Gary’s eyes rolled up while he thought. “Who?”
I smiled and pointed at Celia. Gary shrieked and let go of the centerpiece. Half the crowd applauded in delight, the other half—Celia’s group—howled as they peeked between their fingers at Gary as he climbed out.
I didn’t see the projectile that hit the metal fountain, but I heard it and shoved two women out of my way as I dove for Gary. I knew Ida Belle had heard it too because she hit the grass as another round pinged off the fountain. I lifted my head to warn Gertie, but there were too many people between us and I hoped the sniper had the same issue, although I didn’t think Gertie was the target. Carter darted toward me with his pistol drawn.
“Did you see where the shots came from?” he asked, crouching next to me.
I shook my head, and Gary shouted, “Let me up!” I realized that he was face down without clothing and I was on top of him while the wagging tongues were preparing for a marathon session.
“Incest!”
“Eek! It’s a sin!”
“Hold still,” I commanded him. “Someone’s shooting. Do you understand?” He nodded and quit struggling. Carter left, and I saw Ida Belle crawling toward us. “Have you seen Gertie?” I asked.
“I think she’s been hit.”
Crap! I rolled off Gary and gathered his scattered clothes, pushing them to him. “Put something on and keep down!” I snapped. “I’m going to check on my friend, and if you aren’t in this exact spot when I get back, I’ll hunt you down and beat your ass. Do you understand me?”
Gary’s gray eyes were large and frightened, and he promised not to leave. I didn’t know if he was scared of me, the gunshots, or Celia, and I didn’t care as long as he stayed put.
I ignored the gossipers attempting to turn my precaution into an act of depravity and scurried over to Gertie, who lay on her back with her eyes closed. My heart stopped when I saw red spatters on her face, chest, and hands. Ida Belle took her hand and looked at me in shock.
“Gertie!” she whispered.
Gertie opened one eye. “Did you see who smashed my tomato? I was just about to offer it to Gary and the next thing I knew, it got squashed. I got juice in my eyes, and then someone knocked me down.” She used her arm to wipe her face. “It’s a good I wasn’t eating a jalomato!”
Ida Belle yanked her hand away and glared. “What’s a jalomato?”
Gertie sat up and blinked. “A tomapeno.”
“Fortune, check her head for signs of a blow,” Ida Belle said.
“There’s nothing wrong with me that soap and water can’t take of,” Gertie said.
“You’re talking gibberish,” Ida Belle replied. Gertie glanced at me with a shrug, and Ida Belle exploded. “You just said hallamato and tomapenyo!”
“So did you,” I remarked with a grin, reminding her of Gertie’s plan to crossbreed a tomato with a hot pepper. Thankfully, she hadn’t been unsuccessful.
“Don’t encourage her,” Ida Belle warned me. “Or she’ll try breeding cows with pigs.” Just then Celia’s voice could be heard over the hubbub, and Ida Belle snorted. “Never mind; it’s already been done. Even Gertie couldn’t do worse than the failed experiment named Celia.”
“I’d better get back to Gary. Hopefully, whoever took those shots is gone by now, and I need to get him home,” I said. “See if Carter can tell you what happened.” I returned to the other side of the fountain to find Gary clothed, except for socks and shoes, and surrounded by women as though he was holding court.
“When did your family come from Bulgaria?” one of the senior ladies asked. I palmed my forehead and cut my way through them to extract Gary, who looked confused at the question.
“I’m sorry, but Uncle Gary and I have plans,” I lied, locking my fingers around his lower arm in case he tried to bolt again. But he just grabbed his footwear, waved to the women, and trotted next to me, allowing me to put him in the front seat of my Jeep. I got behind the wheel. “Are you okay?”
His teeth chattered. “I’m a l-l-little cold.”
“We’ll be home in a minute, and you can have a hot shower,” I told him as I started the Jeep and drove to my house.
“Can I have a b-b-b-bubble bath?”
I chuckled. “Sure.” He’d have to use dish soap, but I doubt he if he knew the difference.
He clapped like a kid—or Gertie when she was excited—and gazed at me. “I don’t remember you.”
I parked in the driveway, and we walked to the house together. “I’m your niece, Fortune.” I hoped that would stick in his mind, but given the recent events, I didn’t have high expectations.
“Okay. I’m...” He stopped.
I opened the door and pushed him inside. “You’re Uncle Gary, and you want a bubble bath.” I sent him to his room for clean clothes and checked the bathroom, removing anything he might be able to weaponize. Like the toilet bowl cleaner, peroxide, and rubbing alcohol. When I was satisfied that it was childproof, I ran downstairs to get the dish soap, calling as I passed his room, “I’ll be right back!” Ida Belle and Gertie were waiting for me in the kitchen by the time Gary was in the tub of bubbles.
“False alarm at the park,” Ida Belle reported after I explained where Gary was. “Hallie Tomas was shooting at the branches in her trees, and Carter had to take her rifle away. She thought they were pelicans.”
“In her trees?” I asked.
“She claimed they were on the ground when she fired, but the tree trunks in her yard look like they’ve been attacked by woodpeckers. It’s a miracle she hasn’t killed someone.”
Gertie still had tomato juice on her blouse, but her face and hands were clean. She pulled a baggie of peanuts from her purse and nibbled on one. “I guess it’s time. Hallie must be 105 by now. Peanut?” she offered.
“What did you do to them?” Ida Belle sniffed the bag and pushed it away with a shudder after I refused the snack.
“I soaked them in pickle brine and roasted them in my oven with a sprinkle of lemon pepper and a dash of wasabi powder. I’m shaking things up in the kitchen and creating new recipes.” Gertie sucked the coating off one and crossed her eyes. She spit it into her hand. “That one must be rancid.”
“How can you tell?” Ida Belle scoffed.
Gertie put the bad nut in the trash and washed her hands. She turned to reply but stopped with a look of surprise on her face.
“Don’t light a match,” Ida Belle warned me when the inevitable belch nearly knocked us over.
“Oh, my.” Gertie patted her stomach and apologized.
“At least that shameful result of your kitchen-experiment-gone-wrong was second-hand. What’s in that bag, however, is a personal threat.”
I waved my hand in front of my nose in agreement with Ida Belle’s blunt statement. Then a dreadful noise from above caused Gertie to drop her bag and the nuts bounced around the kitchen, but we left the mess and ran for the stairs. Halfway up, Merlin passed us going the other way. His ears were flat, his fur was exploded, and he looked like a giant puffball. One dripping water with each step.
Upstairs, Gary stood in the hallway, scratched and bleeding, wearing a towel and a sorrowful expression. “I thought I was helping him.”
“You tried to bathe Merlin?” Ida Belle asked, and he nodded.
“Oh, dear,” Gertie murmured.
“Why?” I asked.
"He’s always cleaning himself and I thought he would like a bath,” Gary explained. “Was I wrong?”
Ida Belle smirked at me. “Good luck explaining—what’s that?” We watched as a tide of white foam oozed out the bathroom door and into the hallway behind Gary.
He turned to look. “I made more bubbles.”
“Is the water still running?” I asked in horror, racing for the bathroom. That was a mistake. I hit the suds and skated across the floor on one foot before losing my balance. I landed with a thud on my butt and watched Ida Belle pass me at a cautious rate and turn off the tap. She waved the empty dish soap bottle and clicked her tongue in disapproval.
“You’re lucky there are more suds than water on the floor,” she said.
“I’m nearly as wet as Merlin.” I got up and wiped the foam from my legs, and Gertie poked her head in.
“Ida Belle, please hand me the disinfectant and bandages.”
“They’re in my room,” I said. “I was worried Gary might make a bomb with the liquids. I’ll bring what you need to his room.”
Gertie went back to keep an eye on him, and Ida Belle followed me. I quickly changed while she took a package of adhesive bandage strips from a shelf in the closet. “You hid these too?” She looked inside the box and raised a brow at me.
I nodded. “He once escaped from a medical facility in Libya—where he was being held by hostiles—by weaving plastic bandages into a garotte.”
“Make sure Gertie uses them sparingly,” she advised as we took the items to Gary’s room. He was seated in a chair, blotting the deeper scratches with a tissue.
“We have to disinfect those,” I told him.
“Is it gonna hurt?”
Ida Belle pressed her lips together and raised her eyes, while Gertie patted his hand and assured him. “Only a little.”
“Uh, uh. I don’t want to,” he stated, folding his arms.
Great. Gary might have the mind of a child, but he had the skills of a highly trained operative, and I knew it would take all three of us to treat him if he was determined to be uncooperative. But Ida Belle had a better idea.
“If you get an infection, you’ll need a shot. A big one,” she threatened. “The pills won’t work fast enough so the doctor will stab you with a needle.”
“Humph. I don’t want that either,” Gary retorted.
Ida Belle casually flapped her hand. “Fine, but when your junk falls off, you’re going to feel silly peeing out of a tube. I saw it happen when I worked as a nurses’ aid in Vietnam.”
“I’ve never heard of it,” Gary challenged.
“Root rot, powdery mildew, black spotting. The results are the same,” she said.
“Yeah—if you’re a plant,” Gertie whispered in my ear.
“I’ve even seen a few with bacterial dropsy.” Ida Belle’s head tipped in warning at my unintentional snicker, but Gary patted his towel, impressed by Ida Belle’s knowledge.
“It will just drop off?”
“Not right away. It will putrefy first. But look on the bright side: you’ll be able to wear boys’ briefs. Or manties,” she said.
“What are manties?”
“Basically, they’re ladies’ panties.”
His brows dipped, and he stood up. “I don’t wear women’s clothes.”
Ida Belle shoved him back into the chair and tossed the antiseptic to Gertie. “Wonderful. I’m sure Fortune is thrilled to know you won’t be raiding her lingerie chest. Now, do you want Underoos or regular white ‘big boy’ briefs?”
“Neither.” He waited to see if she’d retract her threat but then offered his arm to Gertie. She dabbed his scratches, after which I put bandages on the deep ones while Ida Belle watched.
“So, Gary, how did you find Merlin?” I asked, curious to know if he’d been snooping through the upstairs rooms.
“I didn’t. He found me. He pushed the door open and then sat down by the tub to watch me. I asked him if he wanted to join me, and he wagged his tail. I thought that meant yes.”
“Did he bite you?” Gertie asked, tilting her head to give me a pointed look. If that was the case, Gary would need to be seen by a doctor.
“No. He used my arm like a ladder to get out of the tub, though. I guess he doesn’t like bubble baths.”
“I guess not!” I agreed, wondering how Gary had escaped Merlin’s full wrath for the indignity of being dropped into the tub. We finished dressing his wounds and left him to put on his clothes. I told him to join us downstairs when he was finished.
In the kitchen, Ida Belle commented on Merlin’s seeming restraint. “I can’t believe Merlin didn’t tear Gary to shreds.”
“It’s because cats have superior senses,” Gertie stated.
“ESP?” Ida Belle mocked.
“I wouldn’t be surprised. For all their independence, cats can be very intuitive when it comes to human needs. Merlin must know Gary is vulnerable, so he watches over him.” Gertie grabbed the broom and began sweeping her scattered peanuts into a pile.
“Yeah, well, I don’t see him coming to rescue you,” Ida Belle said. “Those peanuts definitely prove you aren’t in your right mind either.”
“I’m merely exploring my creative side, and Merlin recognizes the difference,” Gertie replied, emptying the dustpan into the trash. “Who knows? I might write a best-selling cookbook.”
“The only thing selling will be antacid,” Ida Belle retorted. “Let me know when you plan to release that gastronomical abomination, and I’ll invest in acid reflux treatments.”
“What’s to eat?” Gary popped into the kitchen, apparently unfazed by his run-in with my cat.
“What would you like?” I asked. Ida Belle waved his pill container, and I nodded, hoping he remembered his medicine routine.
“I want pancakes!”
I crinkled my nose. Pancake mix hadn’t been on the shopping list. I pulled out a box of cake mix to see if it could be substituted. Cookies, bars, cupcakes, low fat, high altitude, glass, and dark bakeware options were all covered. But not pancakes.
“I’ll make them,” Gertie offered. She began pulling ingredients from my cupboards and fridge, and I panicked.
“No recipe?” I wasn’t sure Gary could handle Gertie’s experimental kitchen attempts and, after witnessing her peanut abuse, I didn’t blame him.
“Relax. I know this recipe by heart,” she assured me.
I flipped my eyes to Ida Belle for confirmation and she nodded, so I left Gertie to her cooking. When I smelled the pancakes browning on the griddle, I changed my mind. “How many are you making?”
“Enough for all of us,” she said, with an arch look at Ida Belle. “Of course, you don’t want to personally experience my cooking, do you?”
“Shut up, and I’ll get the plates!”