Lauren didn't know how long she had been sitting in the dark cell or how long she would have to stay among the smelly shadows whispering what she thought was her name. She wished she was somewhere on a hill watching the sun she hadn't seen since she reached Fat City. If she hadn't listened Doreen, she wouldn't be in this predicament.
Lauren had read enough mysteries to know she was entitled to a lawyer to defend her from the many laws. Didn't she get to make one phone call? Suddenly aware of her rights, she began yelling to see the female cop, before she could figure out whom she would call. No one came. She felt ignored.
"Why are you yelling when nobody's gonna hear you?" the twins asked, less playful than they had been.
"I want talk to a lawyer!" she stated firmly, recalling what few constitutional amendments she could.
"She wants a lawyer! A lawyer she wants! A lawyer, lawyer, lawyer!" the Monas began mocking her again with their singing.
"I have the right to a lawyer!" Lauren insisted.
"We've been here most of our lives. In and out! Out and in! In and out! Lawyers are illegal now!"
"Why?" she asked them.
The main toad interrupted her prayer and said, "They were banned because they were immoral. They lied and lied without conscience. They defended rapists, murderers, child molesters, and worse. These awful people were then allowed to go free to rape and murder over and over again. Lawyers were worse than the criminals. That's why they no longer exist. As long as the laws are clear and obeyed, there is no need for any lawyer!"
Lauren didn't bother to ask what the three religious, leprous toads, dressed like nuns, were doing behind bars. She was more concerned with her own future.
"Will I get a trial?" she asked.
"Every day! Every day! Every day!" the twins laughed, unconcerned with her fate or their own for that matter.
Lauren imagined herself in a novel in which the heroine repeated the same day behind bars. The Monas were used to the labyrinth they seemed to have created for themselves. Nothing appeared to bother them. Lauren wondered what crime they had committed, but was afraid to ask. She was almost certain they had killed someone in cold blood because they were so high on life. Unafraid to die, they probably would have put the noose around their own necks and laughed after being hanged.
"So, will I be tried by a jury of my peers?"
"Peers? Did you hear that, Mona?" one of the twins asked.
"Peers? Did you hear that, Mona?" the other Mona answered, laughing.
"Do I?" Lauren asked, suddenly afraid she might be stuck in this cell forever. Or be convicted and sentenced to death without being able to defend herself.
The middle toad rose from her seat, waddled up to Lauren and handed her the beads she had been using to pray. Lauren wondered if she would get leprosy if she took them. The beads looked like precious stones of various colors, which sparkled without light.
"Everything will be okay. You'll see. Take this rosary and think good thoughts."
The medium-sized toad returned to her sisters and closed her eyes. Lauren closed her eyes too and held one of the beads between her fingers. It was smooth, warm and soothing, but before Lauren could imagine the sun rising out of a new horizon, Dogwoman ripped the air.
"Nothing'll ever be okay!" she screamed.
"Leave me alone!" Lauren cried out.
"There ain't no jury! There's only one judge, and he loves to hang people. You're gonna hang!" Dogwoman cast out of her bowels.
"Leave her alone, bitch!" the Monas acted as one, slapping and kicking Dogwoman back to her corner. She barked, but her barking didn't inspire fear in either of the Monas or the shadows NOW putting Dogwoman back in her place.
"There's no jury?" Lauren asked, afraid she would be found guilty and sentenced to spend the rest of her life here.
"NO!" the shadows sang in unison.
"We've been here forever," the shadows continued.
"Why?" Lauren asked.
"Because people can't be trusted to do the right thing. They have no conscience anymore because they're afraid of nothing. All they do is think about their selves. They can't seem to put themselves in other people's shoes. They're biased one and all," the smallest of the toad-nuns said calmly.
"Can't I request a jury of my peers anyway?" Lauren almost pleaded.
"You want twelve of you?" one Mona asked.
"Yes."
"It's bad enough being me. But I gotta share myself with her! Why would you want a dozen of you?" the other Mona asked.
"So they can be on my side!" Lauren exclaimed.
"How do you expect them to be on your side when you're not even on your own side?" both Monas sang and danced together.
"Nobody cares what happens to me?" she cried out, on the verge of tears.
As she was about to fall into a pit full of pity, several female cops began yelling obscenities at the prisoners. The cell door opened, and Lauren heard the now familiar female cop tell her to get "her ass up" if she knew what was good for her.
Lauren stood close to the twins she thought would protect her since they were young and had put Dogwoman in her place. As the shadows, toads, Dogwoman, and twins went out, their hands and feet were shackled. Lauren felt the metal wrap itself around her wrists and ankles. She wasn't alone anymore. She was just like the rest of the women filing out of the many cells. She was neither better nor worse. She was embarking on the same boat bound for different destinations.
She climbed into the van. The door closed, and she was in the dark. She didn't ask where she was going because there was no "she" in this compartment. She was tied to them and they were on their way to court to be tried and sentenced all at once.
Drowning in a sea of flesh, she shuffled into the courtroom and took a seat between the Monas. The women of all sizes and colors were so loud Lauren couldn't hear her thoughts. A voice commanded them to stand and shut up or suffer the loss of their tongues. The words had come from a tall middle-aged man with dark hair, dark robe, dark glasses, and a mean demeanor. He took a good look at the women, shook his head, and sat down.
Lauren wondered what would happen to her if she were found guilty. The problem was that she couldn't remember why she had been arrested. If she had killed somebody, she would have remembered it.
Just as she was about to search her mind as to why she was in this courtroom, the man, who had to be a judge, stood up, and with the voice of a trained thespian ejected phrases that had nothing to do with the laws of the land.
"Women," he began, paused a few seconds, then repeated the word several times, either to remind himself he was dealing with creatures beneath his intelligence or to remind the women they were really women, not she-males or transsexuals.
Lauren, however, picked up on the tone and decided he was mocking her personally.
"Women, do you ever look in the mirror? Really look in the mirror?"
'What do mirrors have to do with the law?' she thought.
"You didn't come here to be in a fashion show. Look at the way you dress. My God, the Devil himself wouldn't let you into hell dressed like that! Especially you whores! You have no elegance about you! Exposing your bodies to men doesn't make you attractive, even though men think they are attracted to you. It's all in their heads. They are as dumb as you are cunning!
And you, ugly fat slobs, how could you even come inside my courtroom? Who gave you permission to smell up this sacred place?" he said, with passion and disgust for all the women in front of him.
As Lauren was trying to figure what she should have worn to this formal occasion, the judge without a name snapped his fingers, and all the women, including her, were instantly re-dressed in orange jump suits. Now that the women fit the uniform code he had in mind for the world, he smiled and said, "Now we can get on with the business of the law!"
An old woman in a black business suit handed a black book to the judge. He leafed through it, paused, composed a deep, deep frown, and pursed his lips, which reminded Lauren of a puckered anus. She could have laughed if she hadn't been part of this particular audience. He reminded her of a silly puppet being put through motions not his own.
The judge blinked several times as if composing the correct speech for his audience. His words had to be well chosen to have an impact on Lauren. She thought the guy looked like an idiot who couldn't speak to women, and maybe he should be put on trial for that.
He spoke.
"I look around me and what do I see? Women who keep coming back to my court for the same crime! Why is that? Why do you keep going in circles? Why do you keep disobeying MY LAWS?"
Lauren was taken aback when she heard 'MY LAWS' expressed in capital letters! Why were they his laws? Was he God or something? What kind of a fair trial could she get from this judge?
"Do you know why you disobey my laws? It’s because you do not respect them, or me for that matter. I don't ask for much. The problem is that you have no fear of me, and therefore, think you are free to choose all the wrong paths you think are right for you! How crooked can your minds be? You have no fear of the law or respect for yourselves. I guess I'll have to become more cruel in your eyes, to make you see the error of your ways for your own good!"
When he finished his monologue, the judged banged the gavel once on his bench and several bodies of women dropped from the ceiling and hung in midair. Lauren screamed and hid her face in her hands. None of the other women expressed any emotional outburst at the sight she thought frightening. How could they be so cold? How could they be indifferent?
The Monas whispered in her ears, "He does that every time. Don't be scared. He's just trying to put the fear of God into us. But it don't work. The first time I was as scared as you, but after a while we figured the bodies were made of rubber. They look pretty real though, don't you think?"
The judge spoke.
"I am glad one of you can still feel fear!"
Lauren thought he was going to call her to the stand as she held to the Monas' hands to keep her from floating away.
The judge stared in her direction and yelled, "You Monas stop perverting that poor girl with the truth. Or you'll see yourselves hanging up there!"
"Yes, your honor," the Monas said politely, to please the judge.
"All right. I think we're ready to empty this courtroom of mine," the judge said, smiling as he picked up the huge black book.
Lauren hoped this was a bad dream, because she didn't think she belonged here with women who had committed real crimes for which they deserved what they deserved. Maybe the judge would omit her name altogether and allow her to go free even if she had. . . She couldn't remember what crime or sin she was supposed to have committed.
Instead of sentencing the criminals in alphabetical order, which would have put Lauren Anderson at the top of his list, the judge started with the letter 'Z.' There were no women's names that began with either 'Z' or 'Y.'
"Xena! Xena Xenophobia! You have been accused. . . ." the judge paused.
Lauren crooked her neck to catch a glimpse of her heroine. Xena the warrior woman stood silent before the judge. He did all the talking. Xena listened. Lauren couldn't believe her ears or her eyes. 'How could that windbag accuse her heroine of being a murderer, or of having no respect for human life, when she only killed those who deserved to die? Why was she standing silent and doing nothing when she could have slit his throat with one swing of her sword?' When asked what she had to say for herself, Xena admitted her guilt. Lauren was appalled.
The judge paused, scratched his head, waited, and then said, "Go on, Xena. Keep up the good work!"
Xena bowed to the judge for seeing the truth and walked away. As Xena was leaving the courtroom, Lauren stood up and applauded the verdict. Xena walked past her without looking at her. Lauren was dismayed the woman she had revered since she had started watching her shows didn’t acknowledge her. Xena left the courtroom, and Lauren remained, no longer impressed by the woman she was trying to emulate. The judge squashed her applause, and Lauren sat down, her spirits dampened.
Mona on her left noticed how bummed out Lauren looked. She patted her hand and whispered in her ear, "Heroes ain't what they used to be. Besides, why would you wanna be like her? All she does is kill. Be more like Mother Teresa. Now there's a real woman for you."
Mother Teresa's image rose out of ashes and garbage. Lauren dismissed it as un-heroic and unromantic. She buried Mother Teresa where she belonged, under tons of manure.
The nameless judge read a list of names from W to P and accused the multi-ethnic women of murder of the worst degree. Lauren was surprised by the alphabetical order of the women accused of killing. Were women like Joan James, Barbara Bates or Connie Cutter incapable of committing murder? Was murder less genetic than alphabetical?
The judge explained to these women that the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and social laws specifically stated that God, Allah, Buddha and other deities forbade the killing of humans by humans. He told them how wrong it was because it deprived someone of her life. He stressed how painful it was for the survivors to be without their loved ones. He appealed to their sense of compassion, which must have been buried pretty deep in their brains, Lauren thought.
The judge talked and talked. Lauren was impatient to hear her name to find out what she had done wrong. She dreaded she might be accused of some horrible crime and hanged from the ceiling. She wasn't certain the bodies in the air were made of rubber. She didn't trust the Monas either.
When asked if they were guilty of murder, the women nodded their heads in acknowledgement. When asked if they had anything to say for themselves or if they would like to express remorse before sentence was carried out, many of the women spoke.
A half dozen dark-skinned women claimed they had killed their men because they had been beaten day in and day out. The judge told them that wife-beaters had as much right to live as anyone.
The youngest of the dark-skinned women asked, "Why do you consider us criminals? You let Xena go free, and she kills at least 20 men per show. And she doesn't even get beat by a husband! So, why did she get to go free?"
"Because she kills for the right reasons, and she is beautiful. Is that clear now?"
"No!" the youngest of the women said defiantly.
Lauren liked her right away. If all the women stood together and rushed that man, they could tear him to pieces and leave the courtroom.
"Let me put it to you this way. You are real. Xena is an image from TV. She is a fantasy. As a fantastic creature she is free to kill anyone whenever she pleases, even innocent by-standers, which she would never do because she has a conscience. You, on the other hand, killed your husbands or boyfriends because you were too weak to endure your pain!"
"What the hell do you know about pain?" another of the women spoke up.
The judge's face turned sour, his eyes burning red with wrath. Instead of giving this woman a moral lecture, he pulled out a handgun and killed her on the spot. The body then dropped into a dark hole as the floor opened and closed to dispose of criminals.
The judge put the gun away and smiled at the rest of the murderers before him.
"I am not here to debate with you. Xena is Xena, and you are you. You women need to accept culpability for your actions. But as usual, you want to get off and recommit the same crime. Do you truly enjoy being executed every time you come here? And I have yet to hear anyone express remorse. Is anyone sorry at all for what they did? Can anyone of you apologize?"
A young, skinny woman stepped forward. Without asking permission to speak, she said, "I know killing my kids was wrong. But you've never been pregnant, have you? And you probably don't have no kids. Do you know how hard it is on us?"
Before she could finish her essay on the hardship of mothers as an excuse for killing her children in the name of depression, the judge again took out his handgun and pulled the trigger. Blood flew out of her skull and splattered Lauren red. She screamed as if someone had just cut her throat and caused her to bleed. The judge yelled. She shut up, whimpering like a two-year old in need of a mother to hold her.
Another young girl cried out for mercy because she had killed her infant for a reason that made sense to her. She evidently didn't know killing was wrong because she had never learned how to read. And if she couldn't read, how could she be expected to know that killing was wrong?
The judge's face was baffled and waffled with confusion. He seemed not to have understood what he had just heard come out of the girl's mouth. Forgetting how to read for a moment, he executed her and the rest of the murderers. The bodies dropped into a black abyss. The floor closed.
"Oops! I forgot Mona Peterson and Mona Peterson. You've been accused of murdering each other, a strange case, but as real as any. Do you have any remorse for what you did to your sister? How could you kill your own sister?" the judge asked with indignation.
"We're both sorry for what we did, your honor."
Lauren couldn't understand how the Monas could have killed one another or why they seemed to get along so well. And how could they be alive if they were dead?
"Why is it that you keep killing each other? I really am sick of seeing both of you in my court. You've got to find some other hobby!"
"Well, your honor. As you can see with your beautiful blue eyes -" the Monas began.
"Flattery will get you nowhere here. Besides, my eyes are green. Go on!"
"We can't stand one another. Every time we talk, we say the same thing. We love the same guys. We eat the same stuff and the same amount. We have to look at one another and wonder if we're real. Sometimes we can't stand it, so, we kill each other. And that ain't easy, because I don't believe in suicide. This time we decided to become heroin addicts."
"What's it going to be next time?"
"We haven't got that far, your honor."
"All right. Since this was murder by mutual consent, you may go. I can't expect remorse from corpses that refuse to live or die. Get out of my courtroom, but next time you return, come up with something more creative!"
The Monas sang and danced as they left. Lauren watched them, thinking they had forgotten all about her existence. At the entrance-exit, the twins turned around, waved at her and yelled, "You're gonna hang!" They went on singing and dancing until they vanished like auras.
The words coming from the twins she thought were her friends frightened her. Lauren couldn't believe how cruel the Monas really were. They should have cheered her and chanted words of encouragement or consoled her fragile mind, where she had already built a scaffold for herself. She felt lost, without anyone to hold her hand.
To speed up the judicial process, the judge disposed of his book and asked thieves and prostitutes to raise their hands. Three quarters of the rest of the alphabet's arms went up without admitting the guilt he was ready to assign to each woman. He didn't have to read their names or waste his breath on women he knew were guilty before they were even born!
With the snap of his fingers, the thieves and prostitutes vanished from Lauren's eyes. Could she disappear from the face of this earth that quickly and never be seen again? Why was the man so cruel and quick to judge women when he seemed to know nothing about them?
"There. The place looks cleaner. I can breathe easier now," the judge said, smiling as he picked up the large black book as if to make certain he hadn't sentenced innocent victims to a wrongful death.
Lauren noticed Dogwoman shaking in her cowboy boots. She approached the bench and threw herself on the floor at the mercy of the court before her name was even read.
"I know you. You never have a name. I can never find you on my list. What are you today? A dog? A bitch dog that thinks she's a woman? Pity the man that deals with you. I believe you were an ape last week and a scorpion-faced creature before that. You've been everything from snake to a wart on my ass!
“And you think you deserve mercy. You're not even human. What makes you think you are human? Your shape? The brain you seem to lack? Your crocodile tears? Stop faking your humanity, dog! Get out of my court!" the judge yelled.
Dogwoman remained on all fours and ran towards the exit, at which point she became transformed into a laughing hyena, doomed to return to be judged and sentenced to repeating whatever crime she might have committed.
The three toads' names were also absent from the list, but the judge seemed familiar with them. They, too, had stood before him on numerous occasions and repeated their simple misdemeanor, which might soon be changed to a felony. The three stood respectfully silent and let the judge speak his mind.
"Sisters, dear sisters, I knew you well in my childhood, when I, too, prayed to God and His angels. What have your prayers done? Nothing. You've been praying illegally for this Lauren Anderson," the judge said, pointing to her as if she were guilty of a serious crime.
"You must stop praying for her and this world. Your prayers give only false hopes. They are useless and your lectures do not move girls like this Lauren Anderson. Only hanging will cure her of narcissism!"
"Please, your honor. We have seen a spark or two of goodness in her eyes," the main toad said in an attempt to change the judge's view of Lauren.
"We would like to testify for her!" the three toads took up in unison.
"If that's your wish. Lauren Anderson, please stand before the court."
Afraid she might fall through the floor at the man's whim, she stood before him without saying a word.
A hologram of Dr. MacGregor emerged on the witness chair. She immediately accused Lauren of trying to excise her heart so that her dad could find his lost love. She also accused her of wanton destruction of her lab and cruelty to her test animals by setting them free. That was all.
Lauren suddenly recalled what she had easily forgotten since nothing had been real since she started seeing pimples on her forehead.
"I. . . ." Lauren attempted to defend herself.
"Quiet!" the judge said.
Lauren didn't know what to say or do. She turned to the three nun-toads, but they apparently believed what Dr. MacGregor had deposed. They were leaving to pray elsewhere.
Lauren remained face to face with her judge.
"This isn't some sort of fairy tale, Ms. Anderson. You can't just go around tearing people's hearts out like some sort of holy cannibal! Think about that. You may not like Dr. MacGregor because she tortures animals, but as long as she behaves within the legal parameters of torture and testing, she has broken no laws. But you have! You can free as many rats as you wish and suffer the consequences, but YOU CANNOT KILL PEOPLE!"
"I. . . ."
"Quiet!"
The judge paused to ponder Lauren's fate.
"You shall be a slave!" he said.
Lauren quickly swallowed a petal from her sacred orcharosamum, but she continued to stand in front of the judge, who smiled as he said, "You've got to really believe in that flower before it works wonders in your favor."
Lauren threw the orcharosamum on the floor, disgusted by its lack of magic. The judge stared at her with fiery red eyes, compelling her to pick up the helpless flower, without saying a word to her.