“Come on, Paisley. Help me impress Jayne with my Fred Astaire moves.” Stacy holds his arms out and does a dance move with an imaginary partner. He nods toward the dance floor where a large portion of the guests at Brinn and Josie’s wedding are twirling around to the ten-piece orchestra’s big-band music.
I smile up at him. “It’s OK, Stacy, I know the guys are taking turns dancing with me because I have no date. But there are plenty of single men here, and I can’t meet even one with you all hovering.” Not that I’m trying. I put my glass under the champagne fountain and watch the bubbles collide.
“Come on, help a guy out. I’ve got to show her I’ve got something going for me other than mad counting skills. She keeps giving me the old let’s-just-be-friends line.” He gives me such a look of earnest. It’s too bad Jayne is overly cautious about getting involved with someone who has a kid because it’s obvious they like each other,
“Oh, all right, but if I know Jayne, and I do, it’s not going to help. She’s nothing if not stubborn.” I put my glass to the side and let him guide me to the dance floor, where we make it through a fast dance without anyone getting hurt.
“It’s only six steps. I can count that high.” He smiles and guides me back to our table.
By ours, I mean the same table where Gigi and John, Jayne and Stacy, Kenley and Doug, Samantha and her husband Mike, and Heather and I are sitting. I’m trying really hard not to be a wet blanket. It’s hard enough being at a wedding surrounded by so much love and happiness, so foreign from my own experience. I plop into my seat next to Gigi.
“Can I drink this champagne?” I reach for the glass.
“Please do.”
Her hand is on John’s leg and he’s entwined his fingers with hers. He’s been smiling and laughing all night and he and Stacy have struck up a friendship.
“Can I ask you something?” I put down the glass and lean in to make it a more private conversation.
“Sure.” She leans toward me.
“I may have the wrong impression of John. I mean, I haven’t spent any time with the two of you together in years and I was wondering, um... Are you happy?” I whisper it.
She nods and smiles at me. “We’ve had our rough periods, in fact, we are coming out of one now. But even our rough periods are still pretty good. Our issues are more about external stresses like Pete’s teacher and her concern about his attention or John’s job.”
The moment hangs there as I gain a new perspective on those memories, finally seeing the other side.
She continues, “Remember Poppy’s party? When you showed up and Pete said John and I were inside wrestling?”
I nod and remember how disheveled and scattered she looked.
“A couple weeks prior, Pete walked in on us...you know...and asked what we were doing. We told him we were wrestling. The day of my dad’s party, John and I were trying to get in a quick ‘wrestle,’ if you know what I mean, and John told Pete to go outside and play so we could wrestle.” Her face turns red.
“He’s always been so...grouchy.” It’s the mildest of words I can come up with.
Gigi laughs. “I know, mainly because of his job.”
I know John works for the FBI, but I’m not sure what he does. I was told a long time ago, but couldn’t remember, so I ask.
“Until a few days ago he was assigned to investigate pedophiles. He just got transferred to financial crimes. It’s going to be a huge change, for the positive.”
I look from Gigi to John and I see it, a couple, struggling with a difficult child, a stressful job, and still working together. Two people in it for the long haul. Two people who love each other, for better or worse.
I look over at Kenley and Doug who are holding hands and he keeps kissing her knuckles. They’re no longer the laid-back, easygoing couple I believed them to be. They struggle trying to cross the divide caused by their fertility issues.
Heather looks better than I’ve seen her in years. Demanding Justin split custody has forced him to man up and be a father, yet allowed him to do it on his terms. Something Hank pointed out to me. Sure, her marriage is still up in the air but she’s moving forward one day at a time.
It would seem Hank was correct on a lot of points. Maybe I did lose my way after my dad died. Dealing with his death was painful, is still painful. I reflect back on the various ways I’ve let loss rule my life. Certainly, it’s expected to change your life, losing a parent. I completely shut down. In my family, my father was the person I was the most connected to. When he died, I became adrift, not attached to anyone. My mother’s depression was all the more reason to shut down and protect my already wounded self.
At my own wedding, when my family asked me not to go through with it, I pushed forward without any regard to consequences. Marriage was the obvious next step for that phase of my life. And Trevor was just as good as anyone else. Maybe I knew, deep down, losing Trevor would be terrible, but not so terrible I wouldn’t survive it.
I look at Josie, who is standing a few tables away, staring at me. I look back at Gigi.
“Did I tell you I’m pregnant again?” She squeezes my hand.
Tears spring forward and I hug her. I know she’s not making a big announcement out of respect for Kenley. Everyone is moving forward and, as much as I pretend to be doing the same, I’m not. I’m still stuck. Afraid of forward because with forward comes risk.
Gigi sighs. “I owe you an apology.” She’s not meeting my eyes.
“For what?” I owe her a million.
“I’ve known how Hank has felt about you for a long time.”
I search her face, waiting for the punch line. I take shallow breaths, afraid I might miss what she says next.
“What? What do you mean?” I stare at her.
“I think I always knew. I was certain the day your dad died. I could see it in his face.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I try to wrap my mind around it.
“I wanted to but Hank made me promise not to. My mom told me—”
“Your mom knows?” How did I miss this?
She nods. “Mom told me it was for Hank to tell you.”
“Why didn’t he? Why did he wait so long?” It’s something I’ve been asking myself every day since our fight. How different would things be if he had?
“I dunno. Maybe he needed to make sure you wanted him for him and not because you were used to him. He wanted to make sure he could be a good provider as well. You know how he is.” She does a slight eye roll.
I cover my mouth with my hands and think about what we’ve been through. I shake my head.
“He never said anything.”
“Remember spring break our junior year of college, when Hank came home on leave?” She’s playing with the hem of her dress.
I nod and wait for her to continue.
“I think he was planning on saying something then. You were dating Trevor, but you were pretty indecisive where he was concerned. Hank asked me if I thought you were done with Trevor.”
I sit back in horror. “I was going to break up with Trevor when we got back to school. He surprised me when he showed up and proposed.”
“Everyone was blown away when you accepted. Hank was devastated. I tried to get him to say something, but he said if Trevor was the kind of guy you wanted to spend your life with, you weren’t the girl he thought you were.”
My heart is breaking all over again.
“Why didn’t you break up with Trevor? Why did you accept his proposal?”
She’s never asked me this before, and I now know I mistook her silence as approval.
Conversations replay in my head. “He said... Oh my God. Fear. I’ve lost so much because of my fear.”
I stand, bumping the table and causing the glasses to wobble. I look around at my friends and open my mouth to say something. Nothing comes out. I walk over to Josie.
She pulls me into a hug. “We’re leaving in five minutes. When we drive off, I expect you to run your ass to your car and drive as fast as you can to his house. You understand?”
“I hope it’s not too late.” My voice trembles.
“Me too. Good luck.” We hug again, and I make my way back to the table to get my purse.
Gigi stands and hands me my clutch. She’s crying too. “John’s gone to bring your car around. Please don’t be mad at me.”
We give each other a quick hug, and she brushes the tears from my face.
“Never,” I tell her. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Don’t let him turn you away. Don’t give up,” Kenley tells me and hands me my bag of birdseed.
“Come on, they’re moving. Let’s get you in a good spot,” Heather says as they push me toward the exit, where people are waiting to send off Josie and Brinn.
I’m panicky, like time is crawling and every moment is a moment lost. I want to scream at the photographer, who apparently wants to get a picture of every single step Josie and Brinn take.
My hands shake as I toss the seed. As soon as they’re in the car, I sprint as fast as my heels allow to my waiting car. My friends cheer me from behind.