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I can’t breathe.
My lungs are shrivelled inside my constricted chest, unable to draw a single breath. It’s as if I’m buried alive under tonnes of heavy wet soil and the weight of it is pressing on my chest, breaking my ribs, filling my lungs with its black wetness, leaving no space for air.
I want to scream, but I can’t even do that. Not a sound escapes me.
I sit up in my sweat-drenched bed, my pyjamas sticking to my back, as I stare with my unseeing eyes into the charcoal darkness of the night. My heart is pounding somewhere in my throat. Its echo is booming in my ears, blocking out the sleepy world around me.
With a shaky hand, I reach out to my nightstand and the nightlight wakes up with a dry click next to me. Its small orange circle is flaccid and weak and doesn’t illuminate the room but it is strong enough to disperse my nightmare and remind me how to breathe.
I exhale and fall back.
I know I won’t get back to sleep again tonight, so I lay here, watching the ceiling above me awakening with the weak light of an English morning in the North.
A loud knock on the door startles me.
“Ariel! School time! Come on, time to get up!” Fat Paula’s voice booms through the door. She doesn’t wait for my answer, proceeding down the hall, knocking on all the other doors, calling the rest of the girls up for school.
I push myself to get up and get ready.
The glum, feeble sunlight trickles slowly through the net curtains, throwing a dim light over my messy room and my school uniform, folded over the back of a chair.
I never have the energy for make-up, so I just get dressed and brush my hair and teeth, but even that’s an uphill struggle every morning, with so little sleep the night before.
And, again, I’m running late.
The school bus’s horn blares sharply like a wounded goat as I grab my backpack and run down the stairs, hitting my knee on the heavy wooden banister as I turn the last step.
“Ariel, breakfast!” But I’m out of the door before Paula has the chance to remind me that I haven’t had my meds this morning either. I hate taking them – they make me feel drowsy and powerless. I can’t stand the feeling of being drugged up. Not again. Not after everything that’s happened. But nobody listens to me. The staff keep feeding me them as if they’re working towards a volume distribution bonus for a pharmaceutical company or something.
The cold English morning greets me with the usual fog and drizzle. I stop to take in the cold salty air, craning my head up to the sky. I love looking at the sky. It always gives me a feeling of peace and belonging somehow, although, most of the time, all I see is thick and grey clouds above me.
The old school bus, with its nauseating diesel stench, is still empty, with only a few younger children, like scared small birds perched on a branch, sitting at the front. I head towards my usual seat at the back, stretching my legs across the worn, once blue seats, nearby.
With a heavy sigh, the bus closes its door and chugs along its usual route, collecting pupils and providing me with a daily detour of the depressing place I now call home.
The town is an alternative apocalyptic vision of poverty and despair. I haven’t been here long, but I already feel ready to crawl into a grave and wait for death to come.
Most of the dilapidated buildings around the town centre are boarded-up, no longer occupied by people or businesses, and it feels as if propping each other up is the only reason the buildings are still standing. The single short shopping street runs through the heart of this once busy, but now godforsaken seaside town, desperately flaunting its small and pathetic stores, which only sell the crap no one wants or needs.
The desolate streets are ghostly quiet this morning. Only an old man shuffles down the road with his back bent as if burdened by the sins of the world.
The crumbling old parish church with its caved-in roof hides behind a broken church fence and a neglected graveyard, now overrun by weeds and invading ivy.
After a compulsory thirty minute excursion through the fourth circle of Hell, the bus slowly pulls to a stop outside my school.
The grey, washed-out three-storey building is surrounded by a tall metal fence. I swear this building was an HM prison before someone gave it to the council to be used as a school as surely no one would build this atrocity as a school on purpose.
Heavy off-road vehicles and even a few tractors are parked outside the school, bringing in the local farmers’ children. The boys jump out of their Rovers and Defenders with exaggerated athleticism and swagger, and walk towards the building where the different cliques are already calling to their members and followers.
The girls slip out of their cars slower as if to give everyone time to appreciate the effort they put into getting ready for school this morning. Mind you, with skirts that short, you have to take care while climbing out of a car.
Everyone’s face is familiar. Everyone knows everyone in a school that small. Friendship groups form and dissolve but, ultimately, there are no secrets and gossip is booming. The only way for me to survive in here is to keep clear of them all.
Once out of the bus, I suck in all my “lady lumps and bumps” as I try to slide between the bodies of the popular kids littering the lawn in front of the school but my attempts fail, as I get dirty glares from a few princesses when my pauper clothes brush over their Topshop bags.
It’s a good thing I’m holding my breath, as I might’ve passed out from the heavy cloud of perfumes and aftershaves lingering amongst the bodies. I pick up the pace, desperate to get out of this stew of drama before I draw any more attention to myself.
Carefully keeping my eyes down, I ram full speed into something solid and warm. With the momentum still pulling my feet forward, I trip and am about to land backwards on my arse when two big hands shoot out, grabbing me by my shoulders. With my arms behind me and my feet ahead of my body, I look like a water-skier, pulled forward by an invisible cord.
Once I finish fumbling with my legs and finally manage to find the ground, I crane my neck upwards to see who’s there, still holding me.
A boy. He is muscled and tall. I only come up to his armpit. His school blazer is too tight on his big frame, looking like it might burst at the seams on his large shoulders. His luscious, tousled, dark hair is cut short on the sides, falling onto his forehead, over his left eye. Vivid, light blue eyes shine under his wavy fringe, prominent on the backdrop of his dark hair and tanned skin. With a perfect, straight Roman nose, high cheekbones and defined jaw, this boy could easily look the part in Hollywood or at least earn a decent living as a model.
“Hi.” His voice is velvety soft as he smiles down at me.
His gorgeous, all-Hollywood, charming smile shows off his perfect white teeth and an adorable dimple on his cheek. The warmth from his hands seeps into my arms, spreading along my body like a fire, and suddenly I feel hot. My nose is tickled with the delicious smell of green moss and undergrowth, like the smell of the muddy earth floor after a long rain, when it’s surrounded by the wet bark of pine trees with a sharp bursts of pine needles, and without thinking I take another deep breath, inhaling the glorious scent.
At the back of my mind, I sluggishly wonder how pathetic I must look to him. Clumsy, spread like a beach-stranded starfish who all but melts in his hands, so with the last ounce of sense left in my head, I stop myself from closing my eyes when I inhale and stop a contented sigh from escaping my lips as I exhale.
“Hi”, my voice is coarse and unsure, even for my ears.
Get a grip! I reprimand myself and shake my shoulders back out of his grasp. I know better than to get involved with a boy. I know only too well how bad that can end.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Thanks for catching me though”, I cut off abruptly, all business like.
“No problem, always a pleasure. I’m Sam”, he offers, keeping his polite smile.
“Ariel”, I answer, outstretching my hand for a shake.
“Like The Little Mermaid?”
He grins at me and suppressed laughter rumbles in his chest.
I open my mouth in disbelief and slam it shut again, withdrawing my hand and with it the offer of a handshake and friendship. Instead, I fold my arms over my chest, glaring at him.
“Yes, like the freaking mermaid. Do you have a problem with that?” I narrow my eyes at him.
“No, no. No problem”, he blinks at me with feigned innocence, raising his hands, although his bright mischievous smile betrays his sincerity.
“I need to get to my class”, I snap, “so if you don’t mind...” I trail off as I take a step around him, but the boy steps sideways as well, blocking me in.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just joking”, he tries for sincere, overacting with his ‘puppy eyes’.
“As I’m new here and haven’t met anyone else yet, I thought maybe we could be friends?”
What a cheek!
“Welcome to our school, Sam”, I cut him off, taking another step around him and this time he allows me to walk around him.
“I’ll see you later”, he calls after me, way too loud, and everyone turns their heads towards us, watching the closing moments of the scene as I stumble away, keeping my eyes to the ground under the gaze of speculative glances.
The warmth from his hands still tingles on my skin and contradicting my annoyance, a smile forms and spills over my face. Suddenly I want to giggle.
“For Godsake! Get a grip!” I repeat as I push my slipping glasses up my nose, and go marching down the hall.
My English class is empty and silent when I get in. Only a lonely, trapped fly is buzzing and beating on the window, desperate to be free.
Over the next fifteen minutes, the room slowly fills with pupils.
But when the door creaks open once again, the morning chatter of the room subsidies to a hushed murmur, and as I raise my eyes from my notebook to see what had that effect on the class, I see him.
Sam.
He stands by the door. An arrogant half smile plays on his full, perfectly curved lips, flaunting an irresistible dimple on his right cheek as he inspects the room. With a barely audible sigh, a few girls melt in their chairs, stupid smiles pulling at their lips as they eagerly eye Sam.
His eyes meet mine and he gives me a wink, and a brighter smile blossoms on his face as he makes his way towards the end the room, past me, choosing the seat right behind me.
Shit!
“Hi Mermaid”, he whispers behind me, but I ignore him as I slide down in my chair, burying my face behind my notebook, away from the speculative glances directed behind me.
“Hi, you must be new”. Daisy, the popular girl, isn’t wasting any time on pretences or foreplays. She plonks her arse on his desk, engulfing me in a sickly sweet cloud of her perfume.
“I know everybody here and I’ve never seen you before. And I would’ve remembered you”, she murmurs behind me.
I make sure I don’t react to the conversation as I keep my back bent over my book and my eyes firmly on the page. At the end of the day, I really don’t care how successful her hunting will be, just as long as I’m left out of it.
“Hi. Yes, we just moved in. I’m Sam and you are?”
I can hear a smile in Sam’s velvety voice, and I want to turn to see his face when he looks at her, but instead I clasp my hands, squeezing them tight between my thighs.
“Daisy”, she purrs in her sugar sweet voice.
“Nice to meet you Daisy”, he replies.
It feels like this friendly exchange behind me should result in a handshake but I know better than to expect Daisy to shake hands with a boy.
The last few pupils walk in, freezing on the spot at the sight of the new boy with Daisy on his desk, and then they push through the shock and shuffle to their seats, warily glancing back in Sam’s direction.
With the bell, bringing up the rear, in walks Mrs Power and that’s the cue for Daisy to get back to her seat for the lesson.
“Ok, Sam. I’ll see you later”, Daisy murmurs. That sounded ominous and mildly like a threat. So the hunt has begun.
“Morning everyone. Let’s start from where we left yesterday. Who can tell me the purpose and the role of Banquo’s character in Macbeth?” Mrs Power’s perky, theatrical voice travels to the end of the classroom. Soft sounds of dismay stir through the room – I guess it’s not only me thinking that a perky quiz is too much for first thing on a Monday morning.
As the day sets off on its usual path, I try to concentrate on the teacher in front of me and ignore the glances the entire class steal to the seat behind me.
The school bell rings and I’m out of my seat, gathering my books and shoving them into my bag as fast as I can before making a beeline for the door in a bid to avoid the “wannabes” attack on the new pretty boy, which, undoubtedly, would block me in.
I exhale once I’m in the wide hall.
I head to my next class when a familiar tall and lanky frame rushes towards me, pushing through the crowd with her elbows. A scrawny tornado of activity breaks off in front of me.
“Have you heard? We have a new girl in our school and she’s in my science class!” Annie, a geeky girl from science club, gushes out, like she’s afraid to run out of oxygen. “Apparently she’s just moved here with her parents from London. Whatever possessed them? The teacher’s already suggested she should join our science club as her grades from her previous school were apparently astounding”. Annie rolls her eyes while making air quotes with her fingers. Annie doesn’t like competition, especially ones who might take away her spot in the countywide science championship.
“And we have a new guy as well. He just had PE with Rachel”, Annie whispers, her eyes bulging. “Apparently he’s quite fit for a nerd. Rachel says that he must be a nerd if he wears glasses”, Annie huffs.
“I wonder if he’ll join our science club”, Annie exhales the last sentence with such a stupid smile on her lips that someone might think that this mystery boy has already declared his undying love for her.
“Anyways, I better go. Mr Putt has been in a shitty mood lately and has been giving out late-arrival detentions left, right and centre. See you tomorrow”, and with that, she returns to her previous course, ramming like a torpedo into the crowd, colliding with unfortunate students, barking at them to watch out.
Three new students in one day? Very unlikely in a town so small, but who knows, maybe they are related?
The school is buzzing. The gossip machine is working hard but I happily manage to avoid gossip and drama for the rest of the day, and I’m only reminded about the new students when I walk into the school lunch hall, which doubles as a gym in our small school.
The lunch hall greets me with the deafening buzz of hundreds of voices, hundreds of cutlery pieces scraping on hundreds of plates and sudden outbursts of uproarious laughter.
The mist of frying oil hangs thick in the air, clinging to hair, skin, clothes and walls. The hall’s nauseating smell of a fish and chip shop is a clear warning to every student.
I pause for a moment by the door, adjusting my backpack on my shoulder and scanning the crowd, before immersing myself in another episode of the survival show, called Lunch Hall.
Sam’s large, muscular frame stands out against the other students at his table. Daisy is next to him, smiling way too sweet, leaning in too close and purring while rubbing his biceps. She profusely flirts with him and he is more than happy to encourage her. All the chairs at the table are filled with the popular kids.
A few tables away from them, the new girl is surrounded by a tightly bound circle of teenage boys. There must be at least a quarter of the school’s boys around her. They are eager to get her attention, as they climb over each other, charming her with their wittiest jokes and dazzling smiles while giving each other death stares the moment her gaze leaves their faces.
But I have to admit, I can see why boys would be attracted to her. She is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. She has a delicate, angelic face with bright, sapphire-blue eyes, red, luscious lips, and luminescent, peachy skin, framed by sun-kissed, glossy blonde curls.
It’s comical to watch boys tripping over each over for her attention. I can’t believe that none of these newly recruited adoring fans can really see how pathetic they look and I wonder, if I was to line them up on one side of the table and put her in the middle, would they all look like the scene from the ‘Last Supper’, where Jesus Christ is in the middle with his disciples hanging in on his every word?
My mood instantly sours as my thought jumps to my mother. She would probably make me stand in the corner of the room, with my knees on salt, in front of the cross, begging for forgiveness from the Lord for such blasphemous thoughts, comparing some random girl to the mighty Lord himself.
To distract myself and to stop my mind venturing further, I scan the hall, trying to locate the third student Annie was talking about among the buzz and commotion of the rush hour lunch hall.
I swear under my breath, cursing him and his choice of seating arrangement, as I spot him sitting at my table at the back of the hall.
The boy is slim and not buff at all. His lean shoulders are hunched over his empty tray as he absentmindedly traces the pattern on the tray with his finger. His brown hair falls over his face, hiding his features. Solid muscles flex on his arms under his rolled-up school shirt sleeves. Today is not the day I’m willing to compromise on my solitude, so I stop and scan the hall for another free table. Just my sodding luck, everywhere is busy.
To centre myself, I inhale the oil laced air and march to my usual seat, trying to ignore him, thinking that if I ignore him, there’ll be no need for him to talk to me either.
As I take the seat, the boy lifts his gaze from his tray.
“Hi”, he calls to me in a soft voice over the rumble of the lunch hall and I feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut as the hall tilts, emptied of all the air at the sound of his voice.
Something familiar, content and secure rings in his voice, pulling at me, and I want to run to him, to wrap myself in his arms, knowing that everything will be okay. The pull is so strong and unexpected that I sit there, stunned, grabbing hold of the sides of my chair, afraid to fall over, afraid of the incomprehensible, insane reaction of my body to his voice.
What’s going on? Who is he? What is going on with me today?
“Hi”, I croak, overwhelmed, lifting my shocked eyes at him, unable to explain such a creepy reaction to a complete stranger. My clammy hands are shaking.
“I’m Rafe. Is it okay if I sit here?” he asks with a kind and beautiful smile.
The boy is not unfortunate looking. His full and luscious light brown hair falls like a cascade of shining silk down to his shoulders. His beautiful, hazelnut-brown eyes twinkle when he looks at me and, like me, he wears glasses, only his are not cheap like mine, but elegant and refined, suiting him rather well, making his eyes look bigger and brighter.
His perfectly smooth skin with not a teenage pimple in sight is stretched over his high cheekbones and slim straight nose, but I spot a small white scar on his left cheekbone, which adds to the mystery, making him look even more handsome and irresistible. His full lips and black endless eyelashes would be the pride of any girl.
“Hello? Can you hear me?” His voice pushes through my fogged mind and it takes me a few more seconds to realise he’s been talking to me.
“What?” I croak through the shock.
“Is it okay to sit here? It seems to be the only quiet table in this place”, he asks, giving me another soft smile.
“Yes, I know...” I start in a weak voice. I stop and clear my throat. “And that’s why this is my table. Just for your future reference”, I snap and suddenly I feel angry with him, but mostly at myself for my reaction to him.
“Sorry, I didn’t know”, he flashes his perfectly white, straight teeth at me, gazing into my eyes. “I didn’t see your name on it, although I looked really hard”.
Is he making fun of me? Probably all the attention that he got today exploded inside his head like an aneurysm, turning his stupid brain into mush. Or maybe he is Sam’s brother after all, one as arrogant as the other.
“How could you have possibly looked for it? You don’t even know my name”, I bristle, cheesed off that I’m drawn into the conversation after all.
He gets up, gathers his tray in his hands and walks around the table, taking a seat next to me. I push my chair away from him, scraping its metal legs across the old vinyl floor with a teeth wringing noise, giving myself some space, and hinting to him that we are not mates.
But before I move away, his warm scent of crisp, salty ocean waves, ripe fruits and sun hits me, and for a second I’m wrapped in that smell of holidays... or happiness.
Rafe’s unfazed smile plays on his lips while his calm eyes lock on me, watching my passive aggressive dramatic moves.
“That’s a very good point”, he continues, ignoring my hostile scowl. “Why don’t you tell me your name then?” And although his posture is relaxed and his smile is wide, I can see a strange twinkle in his eyes, too intense and studious for my liking. I wonder if that’s how he looks at a frog before he dissects it in biology class.
“Okay, listen. Let’s stop right there”, I snap, raising my hand to stop him. “I’m not interested. I’m here to eat and to be left alone. That’s it. So if you want to chat, maybe you should find yourself another spot”, I purse my lips, folding my arms over my chest. My ultimatum is clear and final.
“Okay, okay.” He raises his hands up and laughs, a soft musical sound, which weirdly gives me the chills, raising the hair on my skin. “Next time I’ll keep in mind that I’m only allowed at this table if I keep my mouth shut. I’d better go. I need to find my next class. See you later”.
And before I can object to the ‘next time’ or come back with something witty, he is gone, and I stare at my lunch, gathering my equilibrium and trying to relax a bit.
Just before the bell rings, I throw my rubbish in the bin and head to my next class, when I feel someone lightly tug at my sleeve and I grind to a halt.
I turn to find the new girl, looking at me with her mesmerising sapphire blue eyes, framed by her black endless lashes, giving me her open, charming smile. She is even prettier up close.
“Excuse me. Hi”, she chimes in a soft musical voice. Her words come out in a rush. “You’re in the science club, right? Annie told me. My name is Mia. I started today. I don’t know many people here and although the boys are very friendly, the girls aren’t so much. I was wondering if maybe we can sit together at lunch tomorrow?”
She babbles with such speed and force that I feel like I’ve been pushed down the tracks by a train and, before I can stop for a minute and think and remind myself that I’m not the sociable type, and most definitely don’t want her crazy baggage of hormonal admirers, I hear myself mumbling something in agreement and offer to help her get around the school.
“Thanks!” she beams at me with a beautiful, open smile and suddenly jumps up and hugs me while I stand there, totally dumbfounded. And before I can think of what to do with myself or my arms, she is gone, followed away by her most stoic groupies, the ones with stronger stamina.
Wishing for this weird day to finish as soon as possible, I spend the rest of the day snaking from class to class, spending more time in the bathrooms during the breaks than necessary for any bladder.
But every misery comes to an end, and this day is no exception. Once the final bell of the day rings, I exhale with relief, gather my books and rush to the bus stop.
✽✽✽
“Hey, look, the geek is in the house”, Molly’s nasal bitchy voice greets me as I step through the door. “How was the school for geeks and nerds?”
I roll my eyes.
God give me strength.
Ignoring her, I head for the kitchen to make myself some tea. The staff’s shift change happened while I was in school and now I’m greeted by Martha, a small, always laughing lady with a broad Scottish accent.
“How was your day, darling?” Martha asks, busy stirring something for dinner in a big pot.
“Yeah, okay”. I’m not in the mood to chat and plan to escape into my room as soon as my tea is made.
“No, please. Give it back”, a young tearful voice cries out from the lounge.
I leave the boiling kettle and my unfinished tea in the kitchen and stride into the lounge. The closer I get, the clearer I hear Molly’s hyena chuckles, providing the accompaniment to the soft pleas and cries. Martha follows me, quick in her pursuit.
The lounge is brightly lit with the five bulb plastic chandelier under the ceiling. The TV blurs evening nonsense in the background. Molly’s tall and fat frame stands in the middle of the lounge, towering above the youngest girl in our home, twelve year old Evie. Evie is young and small and it’s not the first time she’s been picked on by Molly.
A piece of paper is clutched in Molly’s fat hand, raised high above her head, while Evie desperately jumps around her like a young goat, trying to snatch it out of Molly’s grip.
“Molly, what’s going on in here?” Martha’s voice demands behind me but Molly ignores her completely, as if she’d never spoke.
“Please”, Evie cries out.
Her futile jumping attempts entertain Molly immensely as another rumble of chuckles pours out when she lowers the piece of paper just a bit, to encourage the next set of jumps, and at that instance, my decision is made.
I march to Molly and, with gathered momentum, jump up in front of her, snatching that piece of paper out of her grip. The paper rips with a sharp sound, coming away in my hand, leaving behind a tiny corner in Molly’s sweaty palm.
“Oi!” Molly’s face turns purple. Angry red spots are dotting it, making her resemble a cheetah. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Her chavvy nasal voice stretches the vowels above my head. She is only slightly taller than me but twice my size and, from my previous confrontations with her, I know that she is twice as strong.
“I don’t think that was yours!” I bark. My eyes are fixed on her, as I hand the paper to Evie, who is crying softly somewhere behind me. The paper is pulled out of my hand and I can hear the hurried rush of Evie’s footsteps up the stairs.
Molly’s loathing glare rakes my face, and I think she is about to hit, when Martha’s small body squeezes between us. She looks up at Molly, pushing me away with her back as she tries to put some space between us.
“That’s enough, girls.” She backs up two more steps, pushing me away with her. “We’ll talk about the consequences tomorrow. Now I would like both of you to get to your rooms.” Her voice is like rigid steel and I know that now she means business. Her gaze darts between me and Molly as she adjusts to stand between us.
“I mean it”, she snaps.
“Fine by me”, I snap back and with a last warning glare at Molly, I walk up the squeaking stairs and into my room, slamming the door behind me.
What an awful day!