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I’m curled up in a ball on the floor. The carpet in this hall is surprisingly plush and feels soft under my cheek, like one of my teddies used to be.
I don’t know how long I’ve been laying here and I don’t know where I am. Ornate lights along the walls dissipate the darkness with puddles of a soft glow. I lay and stare at the gold and olive green leafy design of the wallpaper in front of my face.
At some point my mind awoke to me running, heaving through my burning throat, down the unfamiliar hall. I was barefoot and I couldn’t remember where I left my shoes.
Now I lie here, in the cool and silent hall, wishing I could become invisible and be allowed to lie down and die here. What peace that would be.
Rushed male footsteps are coming down the hall, approaching me. I close my eyes, childishly hoping that if I pretend to be asleep, they’ll walk away and leave me alone.
The feet stop a few yards away, before finding a new unhurried, cautious pace. Undoubtedly, the feet were looking for me and now I’ve been found.
But I keep my eyes shut, refusing to be found.
The feet stop next to me and a body slides along the wall, next to my head. The familiar smell of undergrowth and moss tickles my nose.
Padded silence surrounds us, disturbed only by our breathing.
“I was looking for you”, his soft words sound too loud for this hall and for my ears. I don’t open my eyes, don’t speak.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know Baza would do it”, he says into the silence after a while. I feel his discomfort and I’m not trying to be mean, but I’m too done in and empty for anyone else’s needs. I just simply don’t care if or how uncomfortable he is.
“Ariel”, he calls softly to me. “Please”, he whispers. With a sigh, I lift my lids and turn my head to look up at him.
“I swear to you, I never knew. I would never have put you through it. You have to trust me on that.” He reaches out and gently moves hair out of my face, tucking a strand behind my ear.
I want to confront him, to ask why I should trust him, tell him to stay away from me, but his touch is so soothing and I am so bone tired that I just lay there in a broken pile.
He slides closer and lifts my head onto his lap.
In the silence, he strokes my hair.
Time is ticking by. He carefully bends over me and gently tugs at my glasses before taking them off.
“I know you don’t need those”, he murmurs. “I’ve noticed at school that you have clear lenses in those and wondered why you were wearing them. I think now I know why.”
After everything that came out today, this little secret doesn’t even crack the top one hundred.
“I’m sorry about today”, he softly whispers, playing with my hair. “I just wanted you to have a good time. When Baza suggested a party, I thought that was an excellent idea. I was hoping that it would cheer you up and might persuade you to stay longer with us. With me.”
He quiets. The rhythm of stroking becomes monotonous and I know that he’s deep in his own thoughts. After a while he speaks again, seeming to be talking more to himself than to me.
“I should’ve seen it coming. I should’ve looked into your past. I should’ve found it before him and eliminated it all. I know better than to leave such leverage for him, but I never imagined that anything out of the ordinary might be in your past...”
His hand freezes mid stroke and for a moment I can feel a sudden angry tension radiating off him before settling again.
“You are so strange, unlike anyone I’ve met before. Always sad. Guess, now I know why...” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry, Ariel. I’m sorry for everything. Ariel, can you please look at me?” He calls to me, as he’s stroking the side of my face, gently willing my face to come up.
With my darkest secret out, I feel small and defenceless again. Cornered, with no voice and no leverage or power of my own.
Contradicting emotions are tangled in one frightening mess inside me. I feel closer to him and somewhat freer. I feel empty and numb and yet feel stronger and more vulnerable at the same time. I twist on the floor, looking up at him. Strangely, I feel hopeful as well.
“I would like you to stay with me, even after Mia”, he says, gazing into my eyes. “I just want to try to make you happy, to make you smile again, maybe even hear you laugh one day. I promise I’ll protect you better. Nobody will ever hurt you again. Can you forgive me?”
His face is a rigid armour of pain. His blue eyes are open wide, with emotions rippling behind them, eyes of a convict waiting for his sentencing.
I nod.
His strained face relaxes, letting a small tired smile take over his lips. “Thank you. I promise, you’ll never regret putting your trust in me”.
He relaxes his head against the wall.
The warmth from his body seeps into mine and I feel surprisingly cosy on the floor. The sound of his even breathing, the smell of him, his warmth, my lids are growing heavy and I decide to rest, just for a bit.
✽✽✽
I wake with a jolt and sit up.
I’m in my room in Baza’s place. A fuzzy memory rushes in of me falling asleep on Sam and then him trying to carry me, me fighting him off and then walking, which was more like drunk staggering into the room and then into my bed.
Sam is asleep in the armchair next to the fireplace. His long legs stretch out for a mile. His head is propped up on his arm. His glorious white wings are spread around him like limbs of a sleeping toddler or of a starfish.
I’m tucked in my bed, still wearing my evening dress. As I try to turn, a sharp pain stings at the side of my body. I roll over and throw the quilt off me, inspecting the cut in the dress with a matching crusting wound underneath. The whip made a clean cut through the dress and my skin, like a scalpel.
Well, the dress is now ruined for sure. Not like I planned to save it for an audience with the queen...
With a grunt, I rise and slowly plod my way to the bathroom, when Sam’s voice catches me somewhere in the middle of the room.
“Morning, Mermaid”, Sam calls, yearning, swallowing half of the second word in the process.
“Morning”, I turn to him. “Have you been here all night?”
“Yes. Guarding your sleep, like a real knight should do”, he smirks. His lopsided smug smile is as charming as ever.
I roll my eyes at his cheeky and sarcastic reply.
“I’m off to the shower”, I offer into the uncomfortable silence. I’m not sure how to talk to him after yesterday. I turn, starting back on my route.
“Okay. And I’ll get us a breakfast. Any preferences?” he calls after me.
“Pastries would be nice. Thank you”. I scoot into the bathroom to take care of my morning needs.
The water burns at the cut when I climb into the shower. The shock of the first sting is replaced by the familiar memory of pain - it’s not my first shower with bruises and cuts.
I decide to leave the cut alone. It’s not that deep and it’s crusting over already, and I don’t know where to find medical supplies in anyway.
Wrapped in a bathrobe, I come out and halt to a stop at the sight of Baza, sitting in the armchair across from Sam, his black, shining wings spread behind him.
Fear washes over me at the sight of him. I desperately want to bolt, feeling vulnerable, dressed in just a bathrobe, so I tighten the belt, adjusting the sides, digging deeper into my stock of anger to replace the weakening panic.
“Morning, Ariel. I trust you slept well.” He gets out of his chair to greet me. Sam rises with him, his weary eyes on me.
“Yes, fine”, I’m pleased that I sound short and cheesed off, with not a drop of fear in my voice.
“I came to see how you’re doing and to apologise for last night”, he starts. “I realise that I should’ve discussed my procurement with you prior to revealing it in front of everybody or offered you privacy in dealing with such a personal matter, but I have to say I’m extremely proud of the way you handled it. You showed the strength in you to every doubter out there. Our small community is abuzz today with immense admiration of you and we are all exhilarated to have you with us”, he says, all pompous, as if he’s still making a speech in front of yesterday’s crowd.
He theatrically leans in and drops his voice to a loud whisper. “I am a bit jealous of the way you found so many admirers here”, and winks at me.
He turns and reclines back into his seat. He crosses one leg over the other, resting his right hand on the cane next to him, all business like.
“You will be pleased to know that the residual issues with procurement were handled as well”, he utters. “You will never have to set your eyes on these men again. I’ve made sure that this issue was finalised.”
I swallow. My head is spinning. Does he mean what I think he means?
He reclines back into his chair.
“Yesterday you showed everyone that you are not a victim. You showed them that you’re a survivor! I could not be prouder. The steel of your character, the potential of your powers... You are a rarity, a wonder that can change the world. You are inspiring our kind and I can see a magnificent future ahead of you with us. Colossal things you can achieve. I would like you seriously to consider staying with us, even once the imminent threat of Mia is eliminated.”
He finishes his speech, looking up at me, waiting for an answer.
I clear my throat.
“Thank you for these kind words. I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you”, he smiles. “And I have a gift for you.”
He reaches into the breast pocket of his elegant suit and produces a black velvet jewellery box.
After seeing his idea of gifts last night, I’m really worried about what might be inside that box, maybe a finger as a confirmation of the ‘finality’ of the issue. It takes me a few more minutes to wrestle with myself, but eventually I step towards him, taking the box from his palm. As if it’s about to explode in my face, I carefully lift the lid.
My breath leaves me at the sight of a large clear diamond, resting on the black silk inside, spraying rays of light with its millions of facets. The stone is round and clear, the size of the fingernail on my middle finger. A thin thread chain holds the stone and disappears, folded inside the box.
I’ve never seen diamonds this close up.
“Is it for me?” My voice is weak and unsure.
“Of course”, he smiles, “the first of many to come. Something small to show you our appreciation and our gratitude.” He smiles, pleased with my reaction.
“Sam, could you please help Ariel with it?” he says to Sam, who hasn’t spoken a word since Baza came in.
Sam rises from his chair, fishes out the necklace from its box and walks around to stand behind me, as I lift my hair to the side.
The stone’s cold surface heats up fast on my skin. It lies heavily past my clavicle, shining arrogant and bright, demanding attention.
I turn my head to Sam: “Thank you”.
He nods.
“Thank you”, I say, addressing Baza now. “It’s very generous of you, and it’s beautiful, but I don’t think I can accept such an expensive gift”.
“Nonsense, my dear child”, he dismisses me with a casual wave of his hand. “It’s nothing to me and suits you rather well. Besides consider it an apology for last night”.
“Thank you”, I’m fidgeting with my bathrobe, unsure what to do or say now. I have never had anyone give me a gift. “I’ll go and quickly get dressed”.
“Don’t worry my dear child, take your time”, he smiles kindly at me and if I didn’t know who orchestrated last night’s horror show, I might have believed him. “I need to go, duty calls, but hopefully I’ll see you shortly”.
I nod and take to the wardrobe.
I dress into yesterday’s jeans, a T-shirt and a sweatshirt in a record time. I wonder if I should join the army after this ordeal. I’d be the best at sixty second drills.
I come to the door and am about to turn the handle when I hear the hum of Baza’s voice seeping through the door. Then I hear my name. I stop in my tracks, leaning into the door.
I can’t make out a single word.
Holding my breath, I gently turn the handle, stopping every few seconds. The steady rhythm of Baza’s hushed voice pushes me to keep going.
Once the handle is turned to the full, I pull at the door, moving it a millimetre at a time, praying that they service everything well in here and the hinges won’t squeak.
“... Council was very impressed with her abilities. During the execution, the gates opened only a fraction, but it was enough for us to see her potential. A few daemons managed to advance onto the Apkallu plane, but the gates didn’t hold long enough for the malakhims to ascend too. Ideally, we need to enlist her in full, of her own accord, but in case we can’t achieve it, I have set up the arrangements for a Plan B”, he commands in a hushed voice.
“I sent ibnatum to acquire her sister and to bring her back here. She’ll be very useful as leverage. I’ve kept the scoundrels alive for now as well. Ultimately, we’ll do whatever is needed to open the gate. These miscreants have shown us the depth of her ability, so I’m absolutely convinced now that she was the cause of the earthquake and tsunamis two years ago on the Apkallu plane”, he says. I can hear the muffled clacks of his cane on the carpet as he takes a few steps around.
“All I want for you to do is to concentrate on her, court her, get involved with her, whatever it takes. You are still our first plan and first choice”, Baza instructs with a steely note in his voice that I never heard before. “The rewards are immense at the succession of this plan. I have authorised your immediate exemption along with free access to the treasury. Use any funds necessary. As of today, you have a full Counthood, with all the assigned benefits. Remember, we count on you.”
He lets out a gentle grandfatherly laugh, pleased with his pun.
Before my shaky hands give away my snooping, I nudge the door shut, turning the knob with numb fingers and slide down the wall.
I’m screwed.
We have arrived at our final destination, please remember your belongings.
I sit by the wall, staring into space. Minutes trickle by and I can’t come up with any plan or way out. My mind is stuck on a loop, screaming at me to get out and drowning tentative ideas which are trying to poke their heads through the mist.
I need to get out, but how?
I don’t know this place, don’t know the way out. I’ve tried to walk off once but got lost, after running around pointlessly for hours in this overwordly circle, like a pathetic hamster in its wheel, until I was found by Tabby.
Tabby... Tabby... An idea is still forming, elusive and phantom.
What if I ask Tabby for help? Will she help? Or will she sell me down the river? What can I do to persuade her?
I’m in an angelic realm and one might think that heavenly matters are up for thrashing in here, not playground politicking on a universal scale. I feel like I haven’t left my world at all. I guess it shows that angels are just like humans, honest and scheming, trustworthy and conniving.
If I approach Tabby, I might lose the upper hand, which I just gained. But for me to get out, I need someone’s help and apart from Tabby, there is no one else I see who I can ask.
The careful tap of knuckles sounds on the door. I jump up with a surprise, banging my head on the wall.
“Ariel? Are you okay?” Sam’s voice calls from behind the door. He sounds worried. Only a few hours ago I would’ve been pleased about it, would’ve been excited that he is interested in me. Now it’s just killing me not to show him how much I hate him.
“You’ve been there for a while. Baza has left. He asked me to pass his apologies that he couldn’t wait any longer. Is everything okay? Can I come in?”
“No. No, I’m not dressed”, I sound panicked even for my ears, so I try again to make my voice as chirpy as Daisy’s when she flirted.
“Everything’s fine. I was trying all these gorgeous clothes on and I guess I lost all sense of time. I’m coming out now”, my voice is so sugary sweet that even my teeth hurt.
“Ah, okay.” Muffled steps disappear behind the door.
I push myself up and head for the mirror. It takes me a few more minutes to arrange my face into something less resentful and nervous before I’m able to join Sam.
He takes in the casual sight of me in jeans and a sweater. “Um... you look nice”. A gentleman is always a gentleman. Manners are clearly not allowing him to say “And this is what took you so long?”
“Nice, right? I think I got it perfect this time”, and I give him a twirl, coquettishly smiling and batting my eyelashes at him.
Sam wisely decides to change the subject.
“What would you like to do today? I have a couple of hours available but then I have to go and follow up on a few of Mia’s leads”, he says.
“Do you think you’ve found her?” A faint flicker of hope lights up inside me, hoping that maybe, just maybe, they’ll let me go back home once Mia is gone.
“I hope so, but I need to check those leads to know for sure. But before then, we can do anything you like.” His charming smile is back on, revealing the unstoppable force of the dimple.
I have to control my facial expression with all my will, to prevent it from morphing into a despised mask of contempt. My hand is itching to slap him and tell him that I heard everything. So instead I smile sweetly.
“You know what? Go and take care of Mia, and I can spend some time with Tabby. Is she around?” I chirp.
He takes a step closer, wrapping me in his scent. “Tabby would love to have your company”, he murmurs, leaning into me. “She keeps talking about you, calling you her sister”. He is smiling now like a proud papa.
“It’s settled then”, I answer cheerfully. “You go and find Mia so I can get back to my life, and I’ll spend the day with Tabby, and in the evening we can all have dinner together.” My charming smile is off the charts, holding a good competition with his.
“That sounds like a perfect plan”, he murmurs, diving his head closer to mine. He’s going in for a kiss.
I can’t!
And just a second before our lips touch, I turn my face to the side, giving him a peck on the cheek instead.
“Oh. Okay...” he stammers. He pulls his head up, his piercing blue eyes confused and his smile withering.
Confusing emotions are intertwined inside me. I still like him so much and now I hate him, just as deeply. For Daisy, for Lis, for me liking him, for me trusting him, even briefly. For him seeing the deepest and darkest secret of mine and pretending that he is okay with it. But most of all, I hate him for his betrayal.
And I hate myself. I feel like a stupid, gullible little girl who fell for the wrong guy, and I should’ve known better.
Poker face, poker face.
I look into his gorgeous blue eyes, so beautiful and vivid against his soft tanned face. Still smiling, I fold my hands behind my back so my hand doesn’t slip and connect with his deceitful face.
“I’m going to send for Tabby”, he utters, still sounding lost.
He stands there for a few more heartbeats, opens his mouth, thinking of saying something, then shuts it, changing his mind.
“Well...” he shifts uncomfortably, “I’ll see you later”, and in a few long strides, he is out of the door.
As the door shuts behind him, the wound up tension leaves my body and I desperately want to cry. Betrayal never gets any easier, each new wound is carved just as deep as the one before. They cut deep because they cut on the soft flesh of your heart, after you’ve made a mistake allowing them in through your armoured shell.
Tabby is about to get here and I need my game face on.
I throw my head up to the ceiling, blinking away the tears. I’ll think about him later.
“Hi”, Tabby’s bright voice pulls me back. “What are you doing?” she is curious like all little children.
“was just looking at the ceiling. Thought I saw a fly there”, I answer, pulling my lips into a smile. I do a double take at her get up today.
She is dressed like a crazy goth ballerina. Today she’s sporting a pink leotard with a neon-pink tutu over it and black glittery tights underneath. Her feet are wrapped in black leather ‘skinhead’s edition’ Doc Martens with a black leather biker jacket finishing the look. Her hair is tied into two bunches above her ears with neon yellow ribbons.
“Did you?” She throws her head back and stares at the ceiling with me.
“It probably flew away”, I have never seen any insect in this place, so I doubt flies will be here either, but Tabby is happy to believe my little lie, ready to chase after an imaginary fly, fairies with unicorns.
“I like your look today Tabby”, I compliment her.
Her face lights up with a bright smile.
“Thank you”, she proudly replies. “I chose it”, and she gives me a twirl.
I’m about to lie to her and use her like Sam and Baza did to me.
Realisation squeezes my throat, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth.
She is my only way out. I need to do it. I have no choice.
That’s probably what Sam was saying to himself as he was betraying me and before I can change my mind, I take a step closer to Tabby.
Here my advantage goes down the toilet.
“Tabby, I’m in big trouble and I need your help”, I look at her, making sure she’s listening to me, although I can’t hear much over the loud drum of my heart. “I’m in big danger here, and so is my sister. I need to get out of here before anything happens to me or to her.”
“You need to tell Sam. He will protect you and your sister”, she pipes in earnestly. Her sincerity and trust in Sam makes me want to wail.
“I can’t tell Sam. He is the one who’s trying to hurt us”, I reach out and take her small hand in mine. “He needs something from me, something I don’t know how to find, so now he’s planning to bring my sister here and hurt her, and me, until I do what he wants. I need to find a way out of this place and find my sister before Sam does.”
I look into her eyes, pleading with her.
“I’m not sure if I can help you with that”, she whispers; her big brown eyes are petrified.
“Remember when you asked me to be your sister, and I said yes? I meant it. I want to be your sister. Only, if I’m your sister, so is Jess”, I urge her. “You can have not one, but two sisters and as sisters we always look after each other, we have each other’s backs. That is what having a sister is about, you have a friend you can trust, forever. No matter what”, I say, still holding her hand in mine.
“We can get out of here together and you can stay with us for as long as you want”, I ramble on. “We can live together, take care of each other and I’ll take care of both of you, but I need to get out of here first. Will you help me? Please?”
My hand is shaking around hers and I can taste the panic.
I need to convince her, I need her on my side. Failure here will mean a rapid shuttle to a heavily guarded prison without the possibility of parole. Baza doesn’t strike me as the forgiving kind.
Tabby is quiet, looking at me with her big baby eyes and I can’t make out what she is thinking, but I can’t afford to let it go, to lose that option to escape, so I keep on pleading.
“You don’t have to stay here. You can come with me. Where I’m from, we have lots of animals and insects, and butterflies and birds in the sky. They chirp every morning outside my window and you can feed them. And there’s a river near my house and when I was your age, I used to go there to fish. And farms around us have cows and horses and sheep and chickens”, I ramble.
Hot tears sting my eyes and I think they’re about to spill.
“Jess loves animals. You can go and see animals together, and fish, and feed birds...” I go on, in one breath, afraid to stop, to hear her to say ‘no’ and tell on me.
“Tabby. Please”, I whisper.
“I can help you get to the Gates, but I can’t open them”, she answers, and I inhale. At least she is on board.
“Maybe I can”, I sound completely nuts and my rational self rolls her eyes. Hopefully she doesn’t change her mind about helping me now.
“I think I might be able to open the Gates, at least for long enough for us to slip out. I think I might have that power”, I mumble, keeping my eyes on Tabby.
Tabby’s eyes pop out, as her mouth forms a perfect ‘O’.
“So it was you who opened the Gates last night?” she whispers, darting her glances around the room, like she is afraid to be overheard.
“I think so”, I nod.
“E-e-e!” she squeals, clapping her hands and bouncing on the spot. Suddenly she remembers herself and slaps both hands over her mouth, her beautiful eyes shining over her hands.
“Then we are in the game!” She throws her tiny fist in the air. I wonder where she picked up all these expressions.
“So you’re going to help me?” I ask, unable to believe my luck.
“Yeah, man”, she sharply nods her head. “If you can open the Gates and I can get us there, we are outta here! Woo-hoo!” She does some weird jig in front of me, kicking her legs and punching the air. Her tutu and neon ribbons in her hair bounce around her. But the next instance she sobers.
“I will get things ready and will pack my bag. You”, she points her finger at my chest, all bossy. “Pack your backpack. Pack light”, she commands, clearly setting the boundaries that she is in charge of this mission.
“I’ll be back soon and we’ll leave”, she strides decisively and out of the door before I can even ask her what I need to pack.