| |
I’m still in Rafe’s arms, but I can feel him flying now.
I can feel the rhythmic pushes of the air by his wings, moving the hot air around us. The flight is not smooth or comfortable, and it feels as if we’re being yanked forward by an invisible chain again and again.
The air grows hotter, and it burns the delicate skin inside my nose as it comes in. It’s now laced with the repulsive stench of sulphur, ammonia and burning matches, as if someone left a carton of eggs to rot, then urinated around it, while repeatedly striking match after match around it. All for someone’s perverted pleasure.
I take one breath of the rancid air and a coughing fit takes over. The sour taste wrings my throat, bringing up a faint taste of bile.
Rafe gently swings me around and releases my legs, pressing me tight against him with one solid arm, and the next second, the fabric slaps over my nose and mouth, and I can feel elastic going around the back of my head. The stench in the air instantly becomes bearable.
I crack my eyes open to see Rafe adjusting the mask over the back of my head with one hand while still beating at the air with his wings, but I have to slam my eyes shut again at the heat burning my eyes.
The air is unbearably hot in here. Hotter than it was in the horror wasteland, and I wonder if I might cook alive in here.
The gruesome ‘end-of-life’ scenarios play in my mind, like a morbid kaleidoscope, brought forward by my over, capable imagination. They reshuffle, adjust, morphing, all the colours of blood, all with Rafe killing me in this scorching oven, just like Sam said he would.
Sudden fear and panic kicks in. I turn and twist in his arms, clawing at his arms around me, at his armour-bounded chest. I want him to take me back. I want him to let go of me.
“Stop it Ariel. I’m going to drop you if you don’t stop.” The metal ring of a command in Rafe’s voice is failing to conceal his annoyance. He tightens his grip on me, adjusting his hold, pulling me closer. “Ariel, you have to trust me. Please stop this. I don’t want to drop you and you’re making my flying difficult”, he demands through gritted teeth.
Why should I care about making any part of his life difficult? What about me?! Has anyone ever cared about me, concerned themselves with my difficult life? And now I’m about to die and the killer has the audacity to complain to me that I’m not compliant enough, making his task of abducting and killing me too difficult for him.
Screw him! If I’m going down, he’s going down with me.
I blindly reach higher, above his armour and once my fingers make contact with the soft skin of his neck, I sink my nails into it.
“Aargh”, Rafe’s surprised scream fills the air.
A string of familiar profanities, and some in a foreign language, are rolling off his tongue as he shifts to move his left arm around my waist, with his right hand grabbing both of my wrists. But he’s still holding me.
Now I’m suspended like a rag doll in the air.
My body is pressed against his, my arms pulled at the shoulder sockets, while wrists are squeezed tight, guaranteeing later bruises there. My legs dangle, jeans riding up, exposing my ankles to the hot air. Blinded and bided, suspended mid-air, I feel disjointed.
Gradually the temperature around us changes. A stream of cold air brushes the bare skin on my ankles. With every push of his wings, the stream gets stronger and colder, until the ice-cold blast of the walk-in freezer blankets my entire body.
My body shivers and my teeth start beating a lively allegro chatter, with Rafe’s solid body being the only source of warmth.
I crack my eyes open. Shielded by frosted lashes against the icy needles of the wind, I see a mountain peak, blanketed in virgin white snow rushing towards us.
Rafe takes a sharp turn left and down. A large opening in the mountain, like an alcove scraped in the mountain’s wall, comes into view.
Rafe flies into the cave and lands on his feet a few yards in, releasing me.
No longer supported by his hands or body, I stumble and fall, and he is not even trying to catch me. My legs and feet are numb, frozen by the cold and immobility.
It’s quiet and chilly in the cave.
Rafe walks away from me, deeper into the cave, as his hands probe at the scratches on his face. He then fishes out some white gauze from one of the small pockets in his jacket and wipes at his neck and face.
Next, he turns his attention to the knife wound I left in his upper arm. He examines it, and then with another length of gauze wraps it roughly over the sleeve of his jacket.
I quietly watch from my spot, half expecting an outburst of anger followed by a punishment for my failed attempts to kill him, but he is ignoring me, busy with his tasks.
He walks off deeper into the cave once again. The heavy scraping sound on the stone floor comes from there, rising, coming closer and soon Rafe comes into view, dragging a large metal crate towards the centre of the cave.
That’s it now. That’s definitely my coffin.
Surprisingly, this thought doesn’t scare me. I don’t feel the fear that I think I should feel. Maybe the stress of the last days, and in particular my last outburst, burnt me out, numbing me inside or maybe I don’t really believe that Rafe is going to kill me.
He drags the metal crate closer, pushing it next to the wall and opens the lid. Methodically, one by one, he produces modern hi-tech camping gear from the crate: a neatly folded tent and a couple of sleeping bags, burners, pots, some wood tied by a rope, and climbing equipment.
He ignores me as he walks around, handling his tasks, and half an hour later the small tent is up, erected next to the opposite wall, while the burner is stoked up, warming up the cave, with a small kettle atop, ready to make some tea.
“Come Ariel”, he grumbles without looking in my direction. “You need to keep warm and eat to keep your strength. It’s warmer here and I’ve got tea and an energy bar for you.”
I hesitate, unsure why he would care about me when I just tried to kill him. Twice. So I wait.
He raises his head, his brown eyes on me.
“Ariel, I promise I’m not going to harm you. I told you that before and I’ll repeat it again. Never.” He pauses. “No matter what you might do to me”, he snaps.
I get up and cautiously shuffle towards the bright and warm circle around the burner. The hole in my jeans that I ripped with the knife lets the cold air in, freezing my butt cheek, but there’s nothing I can do about this issue right now. I perch on one of the rolled up sleeping bags, stretching my frozen hands and feet towards the fire, unwrapping my dusty and battered sweatshirt off my waist and dragging it over my body, feeling a bit warmer.
Rafe hands me a mug, with steam rising from the top.
I reach for the cup and pull the mask off my face. The air smells tolerable deep in this cave, and the smell of the freshly brewed tea makes my mouth water. The hot tea and the warmth and glow of the burner loosen my muscles and I feel more comfortable with every sip. Comfortable enough to talk.
“Why am I here, Rafe?” I ask, hugging the warm mug in my hands.
Rafe settles on the other rolled-up sleeping bag across from me, with the burner heating up the air between us, resting his arms on his knees, looking tired and exhausted, staring unblinkingly into the fire.
“Right now it’s the only place I can take you to keep you safe”, he answers after a moment. “And even this place isn’t going to be safe for long. After your very eventful weekend break at Baza’s, he more than ever wants to keep his hands on you. And Mik’hael will simply get to you anywhere you go, and even I won’t be able to stop him.”
“Who’s Mik’hael?” I snap.
I am frustrated with the never-ending stream of new information of the last few days.
“That was exactly what I was trying to talk to you about that day in school”, he says, his brown eyes on me. The flames from the burner make them look like a liquid amber. Shadows from the fire are dancing on the plastic of his black armour and his folded wings behind his back look almost black, hidden in the shadows. It’s funny how easily I take to seeing a winged human now.
Rafe fishes out a slim packet of First Aid cleaning wipes from one of his many pockets. With a sharp noise of pulled plastic, he rips its open, gets up from his seat and takes a few steps closer to me. Once next to me, Rafe kneels in front of me, raising his hand with a wet wipe to my face. I jerk my head away from him, my frightened eyes on him, watching his every move.
He holds my gaze and then, carefully and slowly, again reaches for my face with a wet wipe. He wants me to trust him.
I stay perfectly still.
My eyes dart between his face, his arm and the wipe, but I still jump up with a surprise at the cold sting of the wipe on my wounded face.
Rafe gently strokes my abused face with the wipe, holding my chin still with his warm hand. His touch is gentle and delicate, caressing and caring and with the proximity of his warm body next to mine and with his spine melting scent, I relax, enjoying this intimate moment.
I look into his face and I feel an uncomfortable pang of guilt, confronted by the red bloodied lines all over his throat and cheek, and before this guilt can take me any further, I mentally kick myself, reminding myself that I’m here against my will.
He lifts his eyes back to me, his gaze locked to mine. Unexpected annoyance takes over his face, pressing his lips into a thin, pissed-off line.
“You need to finally understand, and accept, the importance of what you have inside of you and how your childish behaviour and stupid decisions are affecting more than just you in this world”, he snaps at me, suddenly all wound up.
He rises up, towering above me, crumpling the wipe in his hand and tossing it towards the crate.
“You’re like a little child right now, convinced that the world revolves around you, thinking that you are invincible. Running around with no understanding of the magnitude of your decisions. You don’t spend even two minutes thinking of the consequences and think that you’ll be able to fix any mistake you make, and if not, oh well, no biggy”, he is fuming, yelling at me now. His eyes narrow at me as he leans in closer, blocking the light from the stove and taking the air away from me.
“You can’t act like an ignorant brat anymore. It is more than just you at stake in here, more angels than you can imagine have made sacrifices. It’s bigger than you or even your world”, he shouts, chastising me like I’m an ignorant toddler.
“Why are you yelling at me?” I slam the mug on the stone floor and jump up from my rolled sleeping bag, standing up, facing his wrath.
“What the hell do you want from me? Do you think I enjoy any of this?” I yell back at him. “Do you think I asked for this?” I’m fuming now too.
“Neither of us asked for this, yet here we are”, he snaps, spreading his arms, inviting me to take in the latest mess I have landed myself in.
He closes his eyes, inhales and takes back his seat on the fat roll of a sleeping bag. He seems to be a tad calmer now.
He stretches his long legs in front of him, crossing them at the ankles.
“Neither of us asked for this”, he raises his gaze to me. He is much calmer than he was just a moment before. “We are both tied to the essence, but this essence is more important than either of us. The fight for this essence is bigger than you or me, or our heartache, our wishes, our desires. This essence is the ultimate key to the end of your world as you know it and it can change our world beyond recognition.”
He turns his gaze away from me, to the cave opening.
“Fate definitely has a very perverted sense of humour. To put such power with such weak and pitiful creatures, the ones who are killing each other over a book, who are killing their own environment. Destroying their own home. The ones who are burning and raping and stealing and cheating.”
He raises his eyes to the ceiling.
“Thank you, An. The one time we needed you the most”, he bitterly laughs, unamused, shaking his head.
He turns his head back to me.
“As much as I do sympathise with your predicament”, he waves his hand dismissively, “not asking for it and all, it is what it is. You are here. With transcendent power in your hands so colossal that you can decide what will happen to all humankind, to your world. What will happen to your sister, to your family, to everyone that you’ve ever known. But you need to know everything that you are capable of before you make such terminal decisions, and before that, I will have to keep you with me and keep you safe. Even if I don’t want to”, he mumbles the last sentence under his breath and my hands itch to throw something at him.
“I don’t know how much Sam has told you, or how much of it was the truth or how liberal he was with it, so I’ll start from the beginning”, he says, settling in for a story.
“Since the beginning of creation, our worlds were joined, your realm and ours. For millions and millions of eons, we’ve watched different forms of life birth and die in your realm. We never interfered, careful to keep our distance and the balance of our banded worlds. But a few million human years ago, a new form of life was born. Even to this day I don’t know what possessed An to get involved with your kind, but she did.”
“Wait, who is An?” I cut him, already falling behind that information wagon.
Rafe slams his mouth shut and looks at me for a second with an incredulous expression before answering.
“An is the creator”, he recites like my teacher used to repeat the ABCs.
“What, like a God?”
“Yes, like a God”, he snaps at me, “but the ultimate one.”
“Sorry for asking”, I huff, raise my hands at him, cheesed off. “I just thought that God was a man, that’s all.”
“Well, she’s not a man”, he cuts. “Can I continue?”
I just shrug my shoulders.
“She became very excited at the progress this new species was making. She started nurturing them, carefully sharing our knowledge, nudging their progress along. Over time, they became her children. But those children grew up and started to misbehave. Like a good parent, she punished them, warning them away from the shaded worlds they didn’t know, but they were deaf to her pleas and one day, when more of her children were suffering, trapped in unending misery and she was prepared to end it all, risking the destruction of our realm as well, Mik’hael came forward with a solution to wipe the slate clean and save the pain for his mother. To give his essence to free the trapped..”
“Hold on”, I interrupt him, “I’m not that strong in religious studies and I don’t know half of these words, but even I can recognise a Biblical myth when I hear one. Do you really want me to believe that all this Biblical nonsense is real?” I practically snort out my scepticism at him.
“And do you think that your species are imaginative enough to come up with all these teachings on their own?” Now it’s his turn to snort, only his is a dismissal. “There’s a reason why all religions and teachings have core similarities, about what you call soul, heaven, hell, and higher primordial, or deities, or whatever you’d like to call them. You give them different names but fundamentally you’ve been telling the same stories over and over again since the dawn of time”, he flashes his beautiful eyes at me. He’s angry again.
“Okay, sorry. Please continue.” I need him to finish his story so I can understand more of the mess I’m stuck in and hopefully get some information on how to get out.
“Mik’hael saved An’s “children” but at the cost of his own essence. Unable to see her son dying for her weakness, An gave him a piece of herself, but that loss weakened her. Her weakness, in return, brought a division to our realm and two opposing factions were formed, both led by her children. One faction believed that your kind is a liability to our realm and insisted on making your kind to obey or to destroy it, which quite frankly is the same, as if you change the species to force the obedience, these species will not be the same. That one was led by grieving Mik’hael. The opposing faction, which believes in preserving the “free will” for your kind was led by Uriel, the beautiful and powerful daughter of An.”
His face lights up with a dreamy haze when he says her name and a small smile lifts the corners of his lips.
“Uriel was the one who had unparalleled powers, only surpassed by her mother, even Mik’hael’s powers were weaker. Uriel had infinite love in her and infinite wisdom. She was the one who could end and begin worlds, the one who will be called upon on Judgment Day.” He snaps his gaze back at me. “And now you have Uriel’s essence in you.”
He finishes speaking and looks at me, waiting for the penny to drop. I don’t know what to make of it, so I stare back at him. Whatever he sees in my eyes prompts him to continue.
“Originally, Mik’hael just wanted Uriel’s support, for her to see his point of view, to join him in “wiping the slate clean” and ridding the world of your species, but as she was unyielding and continued to refuse to impose our species’ will on someone else and deny them their own choices, he resolved to the final solution possible, to extinguish Uriel and her essence with it. Simplified to you, to kill her. That would be the ultimate finality for our kind.”
“You know”, I say, musing out loud, “always, for as long as I could remember, I had this dream. There are people in it, angels to be precise, and they hunt me and when I’m cornered, with no escape, a male angel comes into the room through the crowd of angels around me. I see his face, he’s not hiding. He walks around me and then plunges his sword into my back, killing me, and I feel the pain and know that I’m dying. I always thought there was something wrong with me for having such a gruesome recurring dream, but now it makes sense”, I look at him, as my words rush out at the possibility of an explanation of my craziness for all of these years.
“The essence brought you Uriel’s memories, powers, wishes, the lot, and that dream of yours is the memory of Uriel’s death. The man you see every night in your dream is Mik’hael”, he says quietly and I think he’s about to apologise, but then he changes the track.
He locks his heavy gaze back on me. “So far the essence was locked inside of you, sleeping. It was only active when you were asleep, seeping through your unconscious. But since that outburst a few days ago, the essence has come forefront and is now progressing to change you.”
“Oh, I know, Sam told me”, I shrug, glad to be ahead at least once.
“Oh, did he?” Rafe’s pretty eyes are suddenly stormy slits. His jaw is set and I swear I can hear his teeth grinding. “Did Samael tell you why he was interested in you? Did Samael tell you why he brought you to Baza? Did Baza tell you what he wanted from you?” He is practically hissing now, leaning in closer into the warm circle.
“Well, not exactly....” I mumble.
“He mentioned the essence and how it slowly changes me, and Sam said that he wants to protect me from Mia...” I sound absolutely gullible. “But when I overheard Baza making plans to use my sister to influence me, I ran”, with the last sentence I try to sound more wise and proactive than I have been so far.
“Baza wanted you because of what Uriel’s essence, now your essence, can do for him”, Rafe is livid again, yelling at me.
“Uriel’s essence can open the Gates of Arllu, or Hell, if you wish, and with it, Baza will have the infinite power to do whatever he pleases with your realm, and this time An won’t intervene or stop him. His malakhims and ibnatums will overrun your realm. He will turn your world into the world you just saw and travelled through so adventurously”, he bites out with sarcasm.
“Those lizards you saw will be burning, killing, and enslaving everyone in your realm, and nobody will be able to stop that army, not even us. That would be Baza’s dream come true, Hell but on Earth, with seven billion souls to burn, to consume, to use. Wow, just imagine”, he theatrically spreads his arms, his lips stretch in a menacing smile. “And fed on that power, he could take on Sarukh and he would probably win, and then we would fall.”
He sobers, looking straight at me, “and Sam was just following Baza’s orders. Nothing more.”
I flinch, sucking in breath. It hurts and my face is burning as if I’ve been slapped. The bitter realisation is setting in.
The guy who I thought liked me, was nice to me only because he wanted to use me. Again. Seems to be the story of my life.
But I don’t say that. I bury it in a shallow grave inside me, stamping on the trampled soil. No way will I show Rafe how much that hurts me. I’ve been reprimanded like a small child, and now I feel like one. I want to kick myself for being that naïve and trusting, but it’s not his place to lecture me.
“And why are you here?” I hiss at him. “Everyone seems to want something from me, so what’s in it for you?”
“Believe it or not, but some of us still concern themselves with preserving the balance”, he snaps, his hot and burning gaze on me. “Some of us still remember that yours and our realm are connected and that an unbalanced universe can take us with it. And some of us still believe in loyalty and following the orders of your suzerain once you’ve pledged an allegiance”, he barks.
“Okay, so maybe I screwed up. But what would you wanted me do? Stay put and wait for Mia to finish me off?” The tea is forgotten, now it’s my turn to glare at him.
“And who the hell is Mia and what the hell does she want from me?” I yell at him.
Only the fire in the burner separates us as we glare at each other like two angry mountain goats ready to lock horns.
“Mia is Mik’hael’s kyriote. She went to finish the job”, he breathes out, his anger subdued again. His mood changes make my head spin.
He looks at his hands, uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry, Ariel. Sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me that I failed you when you needed me the most. Now I only hope that I’ll be able to do my job fully and that one day you’ll be able to forgive me for my failings”, he says quietly, still studying his hands.
He carefully raises his head and looks at me. His beautiful hazel brown eyes are locked on mine, pulling at me. Their pull is stronger somehow, maybe the things I know, maybe the surroundings, but I feel the familiar vortex coming at me again, only this time it’s gentle and soft, wrapping around me like a cosy blanket.
I hear a soft female laugh in my head and see Rafe’s face, beaming and mesmerised, looking at me with utter adoration. I feel the warm sunshine on my skin and I can smell the salt of the sea, mingled with the sweet zing of fruits. I feel happy although I know that it’s not me who is there. Rafe’s hand reaches towards me, stroking my face with his knuckles. I lean into his caress, marvelling at the feeling of his skin on mine. At this moment I feel complete. No doubts, no regrets, no worries. He leans towards me and I stretch to him, like a flower to the sun, wanting for his embrace, eager for his kiss and as our lips are about to touch, I hear a quiet female’s sigh, content and happy.
No. No.
I jerk my head back to free myself from his embrace, desperate to get some distance. I push at Rafe and he releases me.
I fall back. The sharp stone floor of the cave crushes my back, knocking the air out of me.
I lay on the stone floor, looking at the dark cave ceiling with weak yellow shadows dancing on it. My back really hurts and now it will definitely be purple and blue.
Groaning, I roll to my side. Rafe is still at his spot across from the burner where I last saw him before the vortex. Slowly, I push myself up. In a few strides, Rafe is next to me, helping me up, holding my wobbling body.
“What was that?” I croak.
“Sorry about that. That was your essence. It’s connected to mine, has been for eons, and now it wants back”, he answers apologetically.
I weakly push at him. He steps back and lets go of my arm.
I cough a small dry laugh.
“Very nice. Now I’m in the middle of some freaky love triangle. Perfect, just perfect.”
I free my arm and put some space between us.
“I’m so sick of all this shit, you can’t even imagine. My life is not my life. My memories are not mine and I’m even attracted to the guy I’m not attracted to. How nuts is that?” My voice cracks as it picks up volume.
“I’m pulled and pushed all over just because of some shitty essence. I’ve been locked up because of it. I had no family because of it, had no childhood because of it. Now I’m chased and threatened because of it. I was literally in hell because of it!” I’m yelling at him.
“If not for that essence, I would have had a normal childhood. I would never have had these dreams and my dad would’ve never left. My mum would never have had enough of me. She wouldn’t have subjected me to all these therapists, shamans and healers that only made it worse! And I would’ve never run away from home and ended up on the streets! And then with them! Do you know what happened to me there?! Do you know?!” I yell, hysterical now and, through the veil of tears, I can see Rafe’s surprised and frightened eyes on me.
I turn and walk away from him. He is smart enough to know to leave me alone.
“My life would have been different. Better”, I croak over my shoulder, through choking tears. “And I wish I was there for Jess. I wanted to protect her from my life. I wanted her to be safe from my monsters and I failed her. I let them break her. And I was broken from the moment I was born.”
We stand there in the cold silence of the cave.
“You know, sometimes I wish I was never born”, I whisper for the first time out loud, something that was in my head for a while and I never trusted anyone, I was too busy being brave.
Tears stream down my cheeks and pitiful sobs escape me.
Rafe takes a few careful steps over and wraps his arms around me, stroking my hair, my back, murmuring something quietly.
“I just wish everything was different for me”, I breathe into his chest. My tears drop one by one and roll off his armour.
“I know. And I am very sorry too. I wish I could take it away from you, but sometimes we don’t choose greatness, greatness chooses us. I will help you. I’ll teach you how to use the essence’s powers to survive in our world and to survive what you have become”, he says softly. “I promise you that I will never push myself on you or whatever the essence might want. Never.”
We stand like this for a while until my tears dry out. We don’t speak. He just keeps stroking my back and I feel secure and warm in his arms.
“We need to settle for the night, and tomorrow I need to teach you how to use your essence. We don’t have much time. Even this place will be scouted eventually by someone looking for you”, he says, unrolling both sleeping bags.
I climb into one.
Rafe strides over to the burner and turns it off. The deep darkness of the cave blankets us, but before I can get scared, Rafe’s body begins to radiate a soft pearl luminescent glow, dissolving the dark around him. It’s like a thin aura, like the northern lights on the crown of the Earth.
He drags his sleeping bag closer to mine and now I’m in the circle of his glow. He stretches on top of his sleeping bag, wings folded around his body, like a cocoon.
“Good night Ariel.”
“Night, Rafe.”