Sam spotted Sophia at the bar talking to Monette as soon as they walked in. She swaggered over and plopped herself down on the stool next to her.
“Why, hello, beautiful lady,” she said in her southern male drawl.
Sophia barely glanced at her. “Hi. I’m sorry, I’m busy right now.” Sophia frowned at Monette.
Monette stared with narrowed eyes and was rewarded with a quick smile. She continued staring and finally recognized Sam. “Holy shit.” She cackled. “What are you drinking, my good man?”
“Beer for me, and whatever this lovely lady wants.”
Sophia turned toward Sam with annoyance. “I’m sorry, but I’m married.” When she turned back, Monette giggled. “What’s so funny?”
Sam snorted. Sophia clearly did not get the joke.
Sam offered a hand. “I’m Carl, ma’am, pleasure to meet you.”
Sophia gazed into Carl’s eyes and finally recognized Sam. “Oh my God!” she shrieked, dissolving into a fit of laughter. “What are you doing here? I thought you were forbidden to come.”
“Well, I wasn’t gonna miss this. So we raided the props room at work.”
“We?”
Sam pointed at Emma, who sat on the other side of Sophia. “Meet Othello.”
Sophia turned to the attractive, shortish man sitting next to her.
“How you doin’?” Emma’s eyebrows danced up and down as she did her best Joey from Friends impersonation.
Sophia cackled again. “You two are nuts.”
From across the room, Lenna spotted them and stormed over to tap Sam on the shoulder. “May I help you? Babe, are these two bothering you?”
“Honey, calm down.” She reached for Lenna’s arm to pull her close. “It’s Sam and Emma.”
Lenna pulled back and peered at Sam. “Holy fuck. I almost threw you down for hitting on my woman!” Lenna gave her the once-over. “Nice digs. You look like you fell off a backhoe.”
Sam snickered and hugged her. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Next Lenna motioned to Emma. “Come here, you.” As Emma stood to say hello, Lenna’s eyes landed on her crotch. “Jesus, what do you got in there?” She seized a handful of prosthesis. “We have some gay men here tonight, so you might wanna keep your back against the wall, if you know what I mean.” She shook Emma’s fake junk. “Nice goatee, by the way. You look kinda sexy.”
Emma blushed. “Thanks.”
“Where’s Alex?” Lenna asked.
“She’s not here yet,” Sam said. “Still signing books.”
“Did she see you?”
“Oh yeah.”
“Did she piss her pants?”
Sam blew out a disappointed breath. “I don’t know. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her. Jade tossed us out.”
“You two are crazy.” Lenna ordered a beer from Monette.
Emma came over to Sam and whispered, “I have to pee.”
“What?” Sam pulled back. “Now?”
Emma nodded.
Sam put her hands on her hips. “Well, I guess you’ll have to use the men’s room.”
“You have to come with me,” Emma begged. “I can’t go alone.”
Sam took stock of the clientele at the bar. It was a mixed crowd tonight, both gay and straight, women and men. “Okay, let’s go.”
Both made their way to the restrooms. When they stood in front of the men’s door, Sam asked, “Ready?”
Emma took a deep breath and nodded.
When they walked in it was deserted, and they both breathed a sigh of relief. There were two stalls and four urinals.
A nervous Emma latched onto Sam. “Come in with me.”
“Oh Jesus. Okay.” Sam locked the stall door and turned around to give Emma some privacy. As she stood minding her own business, she heard a soft whoosh. “What was that?”
“I didn’t hear anything.”
“I think someone’s here,” Sam whispered. As she strained to listen, there was a splash behind her.
“Oh shit,” Emma mumbled.
“What?” Sam whispered.
“My dick fell in the toilet.”
Sam’s voice rose in disgust. “Oh gross.”
“Darn it, now it’s gonna be wet,” Emma said, her voice echoing around the restroom.
Sam huffed. “Well, just pull it out.”
“No. That’s disgusting.”
“Just pull it out, for God’s sake. Then we’ll dry it off and put it back in.”
A snicker and a soft cough came from the other side of the door.
Sam froze. Slipping back into her alter ego, she asked, “Ah, is someone in here?”
Anonymous feet shuffled out the door.
Sam cupped a hand over her open mouth. “Oh my God. Someone was in here.”
Emma was too busy staring at Big Daddy in the bottom of the bowl to care about other occupants in the men’s room. “Why isn’t it floating? It sunk like a battleship.”
“Did you pee yet?”
“No.”
Sam’s toes tapped impatiently. “Okay, then the water’s clean. So just pull it out.”
“This is so gross. I can’t believe my hand is in a toilet.” Emma fished around the bowl, snatched the offending member, and threw it on the ground with a resounding splat.
“Go pee so we can get out of here.” As Sam finished the sentence, the door opened, and two men came in, chatting away.
Emma flushed the toilet and hiked up her pants.
They both stared at the wet dong on the floor, which seemed to be growing right before their eyes.
Emma mouthed to Sam, “What am I gonna do?”
Sam mouthed, “Put it back,” and pantomimed shoving it into her jeans.
Emma’s lip curled in disgust. “It’s wet,” she whined in a girly voice, forgetting all about the company on the other side of the door.
Sam flinched, putting a finger to her lips and gesturing toward the men outside the stall.
Emma slapped a hand over her mouth. “Sorry,” she mouthed.
Sam pulled some toilet paper off the roll, figuring she’d wrap Big Daddy to dry him off. Another guy came in, and all three began conversing.
Sam tried to shove the swaddled donger back into Emma’s pants, but Emma would have none of it and pushed her hand away, knocking the wrapped woody back onto the ground.
They both gaped in horror as the toilet paper unwrapped and the fake penis rolled under the stall door, leaving a wet trail of water behind as it slowly made its way over to the sinks.
Emma peered under the stall door to see where Big Daddy’s journey ended. She lifted her head, mouthing, “Oops.”
The conversation on the other side of the door paused.
Sam and Emma stood stock still in the stall, praying the men would leave.
Suddenly the fake member rolled back under the door, coming to a rest at Emma’s feet. “Ah…thanks,” Emma said in her Othello voice.
Sam’s mouth formed a large “O” as she slapped at Emma. “Shut up,” she mouthed.
Emma shrugged.
It remained quiet on the other side of the stall door. Finally, the door opened and the men left.
Sam sagged with relief. “Thank God. Now put it back in, and let’s get the hell out of here.”
“It’s soaked. It’s like one of those squeegees on TV, you know, on the QVC. It sucked up all the water.”
“C’mon. We’ll wrap it in paper towels.”
“Maybe you should pee too, so we don’t have to come back.”
“Good idea.” Peeling her pants down, Sam went to the bathroom, making sure to keep a firm grip on the tube socks. Cotton would be a lot more absorbent than Big Daddy.
After flushing, they both vacated the stall and washed their hands.
Emma grabbed some paper towels and wrapped the donger. She inserted it back inside her pants and thrust her hips forward. “Does it look okay?” A piece of paper towel stuck out between the zipper.
Sam stood back to take it all in. “You gotta a little Something About Mary going on there. Fix it.”
Emma readjusted things. “How about now?” A wet spot materialized on the outside of Emma’s zipper.
Sam stared at the Battle of the Bulge, which now appeared ridiculously large and wet. Everybody in the county would see it. “It’s fine. No one will even notice. Let’s go.”
As they walked out of the bathroom, two men were coming in. One gazed down at Emma’s crotch, then at her face, and gave a knowing wink. She winked back, and as she walked behind Sam, she made a show of thrusting her hips back and forth, like she’d just gotten lucky. She received a nod of appreciation from the winker and the other guy slipped his phone number into her pocket.
They found a table to stand at while they waited for Alex and Jade to show. “Do you want another beer?” Sam asked.
“Yeah sure.”
When Sam got back to the table, she found Emma with two scantily clad women. One already had an arm around her. “Why, hey, what do we have here?”
Emma smiled. “This here is Candi, and this is Montana.”
“Howdy, ladies.” Sam offered a hand to each.
Candi pressed herself suggestively against Emma, ogling her fake junk.
Jade and Alex walked through the door at that moment, much to Sam’s relief. She wanted to go greet them but didn’t want to abandon Emma.
The music slowed down, and Candi squealed, “I love this song!” She tugged Emma onto the dance floor.
Sam chuckled at Emma’s dilemma, but the amusement didn’t last long as Montana grasped her hand and yanked her toward the newly minted couple.
* * *
Jade and Alex made their way over to the bar and joined Sophia and Lenna. “Anybody see two poorly dressed, shortish, gay-looking men come in?” Jade asked.
Lenna nodded in the direction of the dance floor. “Those the gentlemen in question?”
Emma and Sam were getting their groove on with a couple of cute women. “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jade said.
Alex laughed.
Sam looked beseechingly over, begging for rescue, and Alex waved back.
“If E’s not careful, she’s gonna be the next one to get her cherry popped.” Jade glanced at Emma’s zipper and her mouth dropped open. “Is there a wet spot on the front of her jeans?” she asked no one in particular.
“Should we go get them?” Alex asked.
“Nah.” Jade turned back around and asked Monette for a beer.
Soon Zach, Jessica, Jackson, and Riley arrived to show their support.
Zach pulled Jade aside. “I got your text. Where are they?”
Jade pointed to the sea of humanity slow jamming on the dance floor. She had texted him pictures from the book signing, showing both gals in all their drag king glory.
Zach spotted his sister and his face paled. “Oh God. Should we do something?”
“They look like they’re having fun,” Riley said.
Finally, Sam managed to extract herself from her clinging dance partner and headed over to Alex.
Alex’s eyes traveled over Sam’s body. “Hi, honey, nice outfit.”
“I expected you to rescue me.”
“I was having too much fun watching your ass in those jeans. Kinda tight, aren’t they?” Sam playfully shoved her. “Monette, may I have a water please?” She stared at Alex, desire clear in her eyes.
Alex stared back and cracked up again.
“What are you laughing at?”
“You, babe. Sorry.”
“I look good, don’t I?”
“You look…manly. But you need to work on your walk.”
“What’s the matter with my walk?”
Alex whispered into Sam’s ear, “You sway those sexy hips of yours too much.” She pulled back and winked.
“Wanna make out?”
“Not with that caterpillar on your lip.”
“Um, what’s Emma doing?” Zach asked.
Jade glanced over. “Ah, swapping spit with a chick.”
They all turned and stared at the show.
“We should do something, right?” Zach asked.
“Wow, they’re really getting into it,” Riley observed.
When they pulled apart, the wet spot had been transferred to the front of the other woman’s white pants.
Alex’s brows shot up. “Whoa, what happened there?”
“Did Emma just come on that girl’s pants?” Riley asked.
Sam jumped in. “No. Big Daddy fell into the toilet, and we stuck him back into her jeans. It was soaked.”
Zach’s forehead furrowed. “Big Daddy? Who’s Big Daddy?”
“E stuffed a huge fake woody down her pants to make herself look well-endowed,” Jade explained. “And I guess somehow she managed to lose it in the toilet. I don’t even wanna know.” She took a swig of beer.
Zach’s expression screamed for an intervention.
“Don’t look at me. She’s your sister.”
“Go help her,” he begged.
“Help her do what?”
Zach continued to stare at Jade.
“Jesus Christ, I don’t know what you expect me to do,” Jade grumbled as she walked away. When she reached the happy couple, she yanked on Emma’s arm to get her attention. After a heated discussion, they left the dance floor.
When they got back to the bar, Emma flagged down Monette and asked for another beer.
Riley sidled next to her. “Why were you kissing her?”
“Research. For my next role.”
Riley nodded.
Emma’s goatee teetered from her chin, having come unglued from the kissing.
Riley waved a finger. “Ah, E, you gotta costume malfunction going on.”
“What?”
“You’re losing your facial hair, Andre the Giant dong,” Jade said.
Emma touched the goatee. “Shit. Sam, do you have the glue?”
“Yeah.”
“We can go back to the bathroom,” Emma said.
“Oh no. I’m not going back there.”
Alex came to the rescue. “Monette, can they use your office for a sec?”
Monette nodded and tossed the keys to Emma, and off they went for repairs.
* * *
When they came back, Sam searched for Alex but couldn’t find her.
“Where’s Alex?” she asked.
“Over there.” Riley pointed across the room.
Alex was talking to an attractive woman.
“Who the hell is that?” Sam growled.
“Michelle,” Jade said.
“She knows Alex is taken, right?”
“Don’t get your boxers in a bunch, she knows.”
Michelle held onto Alex’s arm—her bicep, to be exact. Sam’s bicep. Sam had never been the jealous type and was taken aback at her own reaction.
“Sami, you have a dollop of steam coming from your ears.”
“I don’t like how she’s touching her.”
“Since when are you jealous?”
“Since I have a super-hot girlfriend, that’s when.”
“Fair enough. Where’s E?” Jade craned her neck in search of Emma and her appendage.
“Over by the DJ,” Riley said.
Emma had a blonde on either side and was chatting them up.
Jade groaned. “Oh shit.”
“What?” Sam asked.
“That’s two-thirds of Alex’s three-way.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“What do you think they want with E?”
“I imagine they want a three-way with Big Daddy,” Jade said matter-of-factly.
“Damn. That thing is trouble.” Sam tipped her beer back. “You know, I’m kinda bumming.”
“Why you bumming?”
“No one wants to get in my pants.”
“I wanna get in your pants. I mean, literally. My feet are cold, and I don’t have socks on.”
A woman in red bought Jade a drink, and Jade began conversing with her.
Sam lost sight of Alex and then found her surrounded by a group of women. She gnashed her teeth in frustration. All these women hitting on her girlfriend, and she was powerless to stop them. She had half a mind to go over to Alex and plant one on those luscious lips, but instead she pouted.
Finally, Alex appeared by her side. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
A dejected Sam toed the ground. “You have these women falling all over you, and I can’t do anything about it.”
“You still have those keys?”
Sam dangled them. “Yeah.”
Alex took her hand and led her to Monette’s office. They slipped in, locking the door behind them.
“Hey.” Alex cupped Sam’s face. “I love you. I don’t even notice those other women. You’re the only thing that matters to me. Okay?”
Sam gave a slight nod, still thrown by the whole jealousy thing.
Alex kissed her.
Sam pulled her closer, wanting and needing a whole lot more than a kiss.
* * *
Meanwhile, back at the bar, Calynn had finally arrived.
“Babe, you are a sight for sore eyes,” Jade said.
“Why?”
“Don’t ask.”
Emma strutted over and slammed down a fistful of small paper slips. “Check this shit out.”
Calynn’s eyes zeroed in on Emma’s zipper. “What the hell is that?”
Jade snorted. “Oh, meet Big Daddy, the schlong who ate Hollywood.” She sifted through the slips of paper on the bar. “Are these all phone numbers?”
“Yeah, bitches. I’m obviously a handsome drag king.”
“You can thank your fake willy,” Jade said.
A petite woman approached Emma and tapped her on the shoulder. “Would you like to dance?”
Emma was led back to the dance floor. She turned and winked at Jade and Calynn.
“That one-eyed snake has gone to her head.”
* * *
By the end of the evening, most of the gang was royally trashed. Alex and Sam sexed it up on the dance floor, impersonating a happy straight couple.
Emma was at the bar with Jade, Calynn, and Zach. She bent her head down to Jade’s chest and tried to motorboat her.
“What the hell are you doing?” Jade asked.
“I…I just try to motorboat you…but I couldn’t find ’em,” Emma said with a pained expression on her face. She glanced over at Calynn’s chest, and slowly extended a hand.
Calynn glared. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
Emma’s hands stopped in their tracks. “I think that…s…a dollar,” she grumbled. “This thing is annoying!” She reached into her pants and removed Big Daddy, plopping him on the bar. “I need another beer.” She raised two fingers. “Make it two. Big Daddy’s thirsty.”
When Monette brought the beers, Emma put Big Daddy in one of the glasses. “There you go, buddy,” she said affectionately.
* * *
Sam awoke the next morning with a serious hangover. She moaned at the morning light filtering in from the windows. Alex was asleep on her stomach. Sam lay half on her, one leg possessively slung across her hip. It took a few minutes for things to come into focus. They had partied hard last night and drank way too much. Things were fuzzy, especially how they’d made it home.
Sam ran a hand through Alex’s hair, trying to smooth down the wild curls. Alex was beautiful like this, lips slightly parted, long lashes dusting her cheeks, face peaceful in repose. Sam couldn’t resist the urge to touch. She bent down and lightly kissed a bare shoulder, then nibbled down Alex’s arm.
A rustling nearby caught her attention, and she lifted her head. A pair of brown eyes stared back from the other side of the bed. Sam blew an errant strand of hair from her eyes and rose up to get a better view of the intruder. Across the way, a tiny mouth munched back and forth. Rubbing sleep-crusted eyes, she shook her head to clear the cobwebs and peered across the bed again.
“Huh.” Sam shook Alex’s shoulder. “Honey,” she said softly.
“Mmm.”
“Are you awake?”
“Mmm.”
“Why is there a baby goat in our room?”
Alex’s eyes shot open. “What?”
“There’s a baby goat in our room.”
Alex popped up and surveyed the room. “What the hell?” Her eyes searched out Sam for an explanation, but all Sam could do was shrug. A soft bleat floated across the bed. “Holy shit, there’s a baby goat in the room.”
“He’s cute.”
“Is that Maynard? And is he eating your mustache?”
“Yes, he is.”
“Huh. I guess they really do eat anything.”
“What should we do about it?”
Alex took a moment to take in the scene. “Don’t know. But looking at you is making me horny. Let’s have sex and we’ll come back to it.”
“In front of the goat? Isn’t that a little weird?”
“We can feed him the rest of your outfit, keep him busy. Oh, wait, there goes the wig.”
Sam’s phone rang. “It’s Jade.” She put it on speaker and answered. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Did you see WeHo Daily yet?”
“No, we just woke up.”
“Hold on, I’ll show you.” Jade texted a screenshot from the website. It was a picture of Alex piggybacking Carl around the dance floor, with the headline, “Local Author with Mystery Man.”
Sam hooted. “That’s hysterical!”
“I thought you’d like it.”
“You know what’s funnier?”
“What?”
Sam texted Jade a picture of the goat in their bedroom.
“Jesus Christ.”
Alex headed to the bathroom. “Ah, honey?”
“Hold on Jade. Yes, baby?”
“There’s another one in here.”
“Another what, babe?”
“Another baby goat. He’s in the tub, sleeping. I think it’s Maxwell. Obviously, I can’t say no to you when I’m drunk. Might wanna take a memo.”
“Let me get this straight: sometime between the bar and home, you two birds stole a pair of baby goats?” Jade said. “While riding around in a limo.”
Sam nodded. “Yes, it appears we did.”
Alex crawled back into bed and snuggled her.
“But, as my girlfriend likes to say, in our defense, they were free to a good home. So it’s not like we committed a felony or anything.”
Alex nipped her nip.
Sam giggled and pulled Alex’s head closer to her breasts, inviting more activity.
“You think this is funny?” Jade asked.
“No, it’s very serious.” Sam laughed as Alex motorboated her.
“Was that what I think it was?”
“What did you think it was?” Sam pushed Alex’s head lower and groaned when Alex arrived at her destination.
“Oh my God. Okay, okay, I deserve this. What base is she on?”
Sam’s breathing became erratic. “Third.”
“Touché, Sami, touché.”