We get home after seeing Jeff and Adam off at the airport. Alex has been quiet ever since we left O’Hare but that’s to be expected.
“You doing okay?” I ask her as we walk into the house. Neither of us have a shift until tomorrow morning, so today is ours to do whatever we want with. After a busy past two days, I figure we’d just spend the day together.
“Yeah. I was thinking I might go for a ride. You know, blow out the brain cells and just be for a while.” She looks over at me and there’s conflict in her gaze, as if she wants to say something else. She quickly shutters her expression. “Sometimes I just need to get outside and clear my head, you know? Is that okay?”
I nod. “I might go for a run then. Gotta keep my fitness up for our baseball game.”
Her lips quirk up. “Like your precinct has a chance against the might of Firehouse 101.”
I let out a sigh of relief at seeing that flash of humor I love so much from her.
I cross the living room and grab her hips, pulling her into my arms. “We’ll see, won’t we?”
She loops her hands around my neck and meets me halfway for a long, teasing, far-from-innocent kiss. “We will,” she says when we finally pull apart. “Care to make it interesting?”
My lips curl up into a smirk. “What did you have in mind, baby?”
Her lids flutter shut and her body trembles against mine. “You don’t play fair.”
“I play to win, baby.”
“Except at baseball.”
“That’s yet to be seen.” I snort and shake my head. “So, about this wager . . .”
“I think that whoever loses . . . has to buy the next plant child.”
My brows arch. “You ready for another Fred?”
“No one could ever replace Fred. He’s our first. But yeah . . . I think that we can handle having two plant babies.”
I don’t even know why but the thought that she wants another houseplant—of all things—fills me with a certainty I didn’t know I needed. “Okay, then. We should shake on it then, shouldn’t we?” I lean my lips down close to hers.
“A kiss is just as good as a handshake, don’t you think, roomie?” she says in that low, sultry tone I like.
I don’t verbalize my answer. I slam my mouth to hers and seal the bet with a kiss full of promise. I take my time to enjoy it because there’s a small part of me that is still worried about the talk we need to have when she gets back home.
By the time we pull apart, my girl is looking suitably wrecked, her lips swollen, her eyes glazed and hooded, and her body melting into mine.
“How am I supposed to go on a ride now, roomie?” she asks with a breathless smile.
“Well, I could suggest another type of rid—”
She covers my mouth with her hand and giggles. “Later, soon-to-be plant daddy of two.” Stepping back, she shoots me a wide grin before moving down the hallway.
“What happens when I win?”
She stops at the door to her bedroom, turning around and shooting me a wink as she rakes hungry eyes down my body and back up again. “I’m sure you can come up with something, officer.”
A few hours later, I’m sitting on the couch surfing the news sites on my tablet when Alex’s motorcycle pulls into the garage. Soon enough, she’s walking through the front door, giving me another good look at the tight leather pants clinging to her legs—legs I’m going to enjoy having wrapped around my back later.
“Hey,” she says, resting her helmet on her hip. “I’ll just grab a shower and then I’ll join you.”
“Sounds good, baby.”
She smiles, but there’s a new tension in her smile that wasn’t there before she left. She may have been quiet after the airport, but she didn’t seem to be worried about anything. But now, it’s a different story—unless she’s somehow picked up on my own simmering nerves.
Fifteen minutes later, she comes back into the living room wearing what I like to think of as her ‘hanging out at home’ clothes—yoga pants and a baggy sweater that falls at mid-thigh. I put my tablet on the coffee table and hold my arm out, an invitation she accepts as she sits down next to me and cuddles into my side.
“This is nice,” she says, rubbing her hand over my chest.
“Mm-hmm,” I hum, pressing my lips to her temple. “Did you have a good ride?”
“Yeah. I just needed to clear my head a bit. I’m feeling a lot better now.”
Silence falls between us as I try to work out how to start this important conversation.
Alex sits up and stares at me. “Are you okay? You’re kinda tense for a man who’s relaxing with his girlfriend in his arms.”
I turn in my seat, leaning my back against the arm of the couch as I take her hand in mine. “I think there’s something we need to talk about—” I say at the same time as she blurts out, “You know, don’t you?”
Her wide, worried eyes lock with mine and I nod, urging her to continue. A huge part of me is relieved she’s telling me herself.
She lets out a sigh of relief, although her body remains tense.
“Hey.” I reach for her hips, straightening my legs beneath her before placing her in my lap. “Baby, there’s absolutely no judgment between us. This is just you and me now. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me about it, I want to help you find someone you can talk to. But I’ve been there; I’ve had some tough calls where I’ve had to choose between saving myself or saving someone else, and it’s never easy. That’s something that comes with the jobs we’ve chosen to do, and it is something that will never not affect you. Because if the day comes and that choice is easy, then you’ve gotta start wondering if it’s time for a change.”
She seems to think about that for a while as neither one of us speaks.
“Who told you?” she asks quietly, her gaze fixed on my chest where she rests her hands.
“Rhodes and Luca had concerns and wanted to see if I knew anything about whatever it is that you’re going through.”
“Which means Marco knows too? Cap as well?”
I shift my hands down then back up so my thumbs can rub back and forth against the smooth skin of her hips. “Marco, yeah. Not sure about the Captain, but if he doesn’t already, he’ll have to know soon.”
“Yeah . . .” She takes a deep breath as if steeling herself before lifting her chin and finally looking at me again. “Are you mad?”
I jerk, moving my hands to cup her face. “Baby, why would I be mad? If anything, I’m kicking myself for not realizing that this could happen. That you could have lingering feelings about that call and that they’d continue to stick in your mind.”
Her gorgeous blue eyes glisten with unshed tears. “I-I thought I could push through it. At first, it was just a little bit of panic. But then it felt like there was this wall standing between me and doing my job. I’m paid to fight fires, to get in there, work with my crew, and save lives. When I thought . . .” Her breath catches, and she swallows down hard before continuing. “That day with Luca, when I thought someone was trapped—that was the most horrible decision I’d ever had to make. Saving myself when I couldn’t save them? It was like the most selfish thing I could ever do. Then when we only just got out on time before that roof collapsed, I felt guilty. Because if anything had happened to Luca, it would’ve been on me.”
“Baby, that’s not—”
She shakes her head. “Gio, you must know that sometimes, the mind is not the most rational or logical organ in the body.”
I nod. There’s absolutely no disputing what she’s said.
I pull her in closer, loving the way her body relaxes into mine as if my touch is soothing her as much as touching her is soothing me.
“So, I thought I could just push through it, you know? I’m strong. I’ve faced many fires and I’ve even been there through tragic losses because we couldn’t save people. But last week, Rhodes and I had to size up the rear of the property and just getting close to the fire, then having something hit my helmet completely freaked me out. I went from rattled and wary to absolutely terrified. I think I might have even had a panic attack because of it.” She rests her head against my shoulder, and I tighten my arms, holding her to me, breathing steadily as her heartbeat vibrates against mine.
“I’m guessing that was when Rhodes decided to talk to you. He tried bringing it up at the firehouse after we got back from that call, but I told him I was fine. And I was—then—because I was away from the fire and safe.” Another deep breath, this time in time with mine, her hand lying between us. I lace my fingers with hers and just let her talk.
“I think it’s just when I’m confronted with the possibility of being put in the same situation again, and having to make a life-or-death choice—that’s when I’m not sure I can trust myself.”
“Fuck, baby.” I cradle the back of her head with my hand and pull her into my neck. “I hate that you’ve been going through this all by yourself. I could’ve helped. I would’ve tried to help.”
“I know. But I didn’t want to—didn’t want to be a—”
I pull back, resting my hand on the side of her neck and looking her dead in the eye. “You didn’t want to seem to be a burden? Right?”
She nods, the tears finally falling down her face. “And now . . . now I’ll be stood down and probably sent back home, and I don’t want to leave. I love my life here. I love my job and—”
I kiss her because I don’t want her to say it right now. I don’t want our memory of the first time we say I love you to be connected with Alex’s mistrust of her own judgment.
I know I love her. I know that I’m going to tell her that. But right now, I need to help my girl get past this fear of hers so that she doesn’t have to worry about not being able to do the job that she loves, the job she’s always wanted to do. Some might say it’s the one she was born to do.
“I also spoke to Adam last night.”
Alex tenses, and she eases herself out of arms, moving to her feet and walking to the kitchen then back again, eventually stopping her pacing to look down at me. “That’d be why he whispered in my ear at the airport. He told me to talk to you and said that you were a good man who would be everything I needed, whenever I needed it.”
“Good to know I’ve got your brother’s blessing.”
“Dad and Adam liked you from the moment they met you, Gio. You know that.”
I shrug. “Still nice to hear it.”
She sighs and sits down next to me again. “I’m sorry for keeping it to myself.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see that something was going on with you. I want you to know you can always talk to me. I don’t care if it’s work, family, us, or anything, baby. I need you trust me to share your burdens and worries, because if we don’t have that, we’ve got some work to do.”
She gasps, and without warning, she’s straddling my hips and framing my face with her hands, making sure she has my full attention. “I do! I promise, Gio. I do trust you. Maybe it’s more that I don’t trust me right now. But what we have is so good, and I’ve never been happier and as comfortable as I am with you, so I didn’t want to ruin that. And I didn’t want to put you in a tough position with your brothers either.”
“They’re my family, Alex. They’ll always be important to me, but you, baby”—I give her a squeeze—“you are everything to me. You’ve turned my life on its head and given me what I’ve always wanted.”
“What’s that?”
“You. Just you, Alex. Your sass, your wit, your brain—even you being so dedicated to your job that you worry yourself sick because you’re scared you can’t be everything to everyone like you think you have to be. You don’t. All you have to do is be you.” I rest my forehead to hers, sweeping my thumbs out to wipe away the tears falling down her cheeks. “We’re going to get you through this, baby. You’ve got a whole firehouse, my family, and me at your back. There are people you can talk to, and now that it’s out in the open, Marco, Rhodes, and the Captain can help you manage it without you having to avoid doing things.”
“Yeah. I think that’s what I need to do.”
“Good. Because don’t ever forget who you are. You’re Alex Maxwell, and you’re so damn strong, and resilient, and stubborn that you go after everything you want in life without apology. No one else has gotten you to where you are today. It’s all been you and your determination and grit. Not your Dad being fire chief or Adam being your lieutenant. You got yourself here to the CFD, where you wanted to be, and no one has had a single bad thing to say about you—not at work, not anywhere. That’s what you’ve gotta hold on to.” She nods, but I’m not finished. My voice drops to a soft and gentle tone. “But when you’re with me, you don’t have to be any of that. You just have to be you. That’s the woman I fell for. That’s the woman who makes me smile, in her leather pants and motorcycle helmet. That’s my plant momma who bought home the ugliest yucca in the nursery.”
“Hey! Don’t you talk about Fred like that! You love him.”
“I do,” I say with a slow-growing smile. “And I’ll love the next one even more. And then, when I make an honest woman out of you and we have our own babies, I’ll love them too.”
“Well they won’t be ugly, that’s for sure,” she mutters, almost sounding a little put out. “They’ll have all your Italian-American super genes that make them gorgeous.”
I chuckle, because she didn’t even balk at me telling her I plan to marry her and knock her up. Because that’s just how my girl is. Strong. Sassy. Still sexy, even when she’s opening up to me. ”Well, who am I to object to my girl thinking I’m gorgeous?”
She snorts, and for the first time today, her eyes are open. There’s absolutely nothing hidden in her soft, warm gaze. That’s what makes me finally let out a deep breath and relax.
“Thank you,” she whispers, tipping her chin and pressing her lips gently to mine.
“Whatever you need from me, whenever you need it, baby. We’re going to get you through this.”
“For the first time in weeks, I think I believe it.”
“Good. Now kiss me like you mean it so I can carry you to bed and show you exactly what it means to give you anything.” I kiss her quickly. “And everything.” I kiss her again, sweeping my tongue between her parted lips. “You need.” One more kiss and I stand, her body wrapped around mine as I carry her down the hall toward my bed.
“I think I’ve thought of a bet for if I lose the baseball game,” I say.
She lifts her head and frowns. “If you lose?”
“Yeah.”
“Not if you win?”
“Nope. If I lose, you get to have my bedroom. If I win, I get to have you in my bedroom.”
Her brows furrow deeper. “O-kaaay . . . something doesn’t sound quite right about that?”
“Too bad. That’s the deal. Now kiss me like you mean it, baby.”
And, since neither of us are ones to ignore an order like that, we don’t come up for air for a good long while.