Last night Finn and I stayed up doing pills, just the two of us. It seemed like a good idea and I wanted to feel close to him and prove Sienna and Lauren wrong: we were in love, and I could do whatever drugs I wanted and get by just fine, thank you. That was yesterday. Now at school, reality is kicking in with a crash and a wallop and an almighty BANG and I can hardly keep my eyes open.
I sit at a desk with JACK BRACER IS SHITE IN BED etched into its surface, and get out my textbook.
The words blur: Unit 2 – Biological Psychology, including stress, factors affecting stress, coping with stress, managing stress.
Relevant, at least.
Where’s Finn? He’s supposed to be here.
Finn, Lauren, Sienna … they’re from different worlds, and I’m in this weird limbo between them. I mean, they’re all important to me. I wish we could all be mates. I even dared entertain the idea of Finn and Sienna being friends – until I realized Lauren and Sienna will never again think of Finn as just the charismatic joker, the nice guy with the slight problem with authority. Now they see him as someone else, someone darker.
How can I say to Finn, My friends think you’re driving me into the ground with all the brain-melt drugs and sleepless nights out gallivanting? They think I should show you where to shove it…? I don’t have the words.
Plus, I guess I don’t want to end the dream, even if it’s turning into a nightmare.
I yawn.
Concentrate, Carla.
I read somewhere that we remember ten per cent of what we read, fifty percent of what we see and hear, and ninety per cent of what we say and experience. Maybe if I read the page ten times I’ll retain it all. What if I read it aloud twice? Will that work? Maybe if I just focus instead of procrastinating about how best to learn it, I’ll actually remember some of it. I get my head down and fill it with words like hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal and neurotransmitter.
My head drops forwards. I could close my eyes, just for a second…
It’s April and bright but summer hasn’t quite taken the bait yet. We’re still fishing for it in the cool waters of late spring. A caterpillar crawls along my wrist. “Hello,” I whisper. At my fingertip it forms a chrysalis, then emerges, wings magnificent golds and oranges and purples. It darts and spirals and corkscrews and flits. So beautiful. So graceful… It falls into my palm, grey, lifeless, crumbles to dust…
“Are we boring you, Miss Carroll?” asks Green.
I jerk awake.
“No, sir.”
I chew the end of my pencil. Fat Mike taps me on the shoulder. “Finn wants to see you after school. By the fire escape.”
“Where is he? Why didn’t he text me?”
He shrugs. “Martinez confiscated his phone.”
“Oh.”
An hour later I’m three-quarters of the way down the page, having copied it out perfectly, diagrams and all. The drawings are impressive, considering how unbelievably tired I am, but the information I’ve assimilated is minimal.
No sign of Finn in Chemistry. Paluk slaps a detention on me for not turning in an assignment.
At lunch Isaac’s stare bores into the back of my head.
I somehow survive Biology. Our seats are allocated for the whole year, so Lauren, Sienna and I sit together in stony silence, still reeling from our argument.
Slinky nudges me awake three times in English Lit. I get another detention. This is turning into one craptacular day. All I want to do is sleep.
The bell dings and I slam my book shut, grab my bag and coat and leave.
In the corridor, Martinez stops me.
“Off to see that lad of yours? Give him this, please.”
He hands me Finn’s phone.
On my way to meet Finn, his phone vibrates in my pocket. A text from Isaac.
I’m curious. I know it’s wrong but I press OPEN.
Hello, uber-mistake.
Reading your boyfriend’s texts will always turn out badly. Dating 101, right?
Mate, wot r u doin? She can’t handle it.
What does he mean? It takes a minute but then I wonder, Does Isaac mean me? Does he think I’m some loser little girl who can’t handle her drugs?
Outside, I chew over whether to mention the text to Finn. I watch the clouds turn charcoal. They’ve been teasing us mortals with five-minute showers every half-hour for the last week. Leaning against the yellow brick wall, breathing deep, I feel like I’m being fed something wholesome: clean air. I fill my lungs but that brings on the cough I’m getting from all the smoking.
The fire-escape door bursts open. A figure emerges, wrapped in a navy coat and with several days’ stubble, rugged and almost wild-looking.
“Isaac?”
“I didn’t think you’d come if I asked. I got Mike to say Finn wanted to meet you.”
“What’s the matter? Is Finn OK?”
“Yeah. He’s fine. But, Carla, I can’t stand it. I tried, for his sake, but I can’t. He’ll mess you up. He’s just thinking of himself, he can’t see that you’re fragile. He conveniently forgets that actions have consequences.”
Mad fury takes hold, swelling inside me, hot and wild, barely controllable. I swallow hard, attempting to quell it. I’m fragile? Fragile? I can’t handle it?
“You don’t need to party so much,” Isaac says. I can hardly process, let alone respond to, his words. My anger just builds, my whole body buzzing. “I mean, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, it’s just … I care about you. You’re better than this. Finn, he’s only out for himself, instant gratification. Never thinks about what happens next. I don’t want to see you hurt, sucked in … but it’s happening and … it’s agonizing … watching you become the fallout of his bad decisions.”
His voice becomes soft, but impassioned. “Look at me,” he says. I glance up. “I think you’re amazing.”
I snap my gaze away, downwards; kick a leaf from my shoe, then look up again, searching for truth in his eyes.
Fuck, fuck… He means it. He really means it. The rage inside me shifts to confusion, excitement, a spectrum of emotions. My pulse is a battering ram, punch-punch-punching.
“You’re amazing, and you don’t even know it.”
Isaac hesitates, summoning courage, but he’s come this far; there’s no stopping him now. I can feel his heat, his breath across my cheek, the tingling there.
“Something inside you is breaking,” he says. “I can see you trying to patch it with Finn, the drugs, all of it. But I know, I know, it won’t work. That stuff, it’s just a crutch, a cloak, a hiding place… It’s not real. You start to believe you need it all to be … you. You don’t, Carla. You don’t need all that. You’re already … I mean, just the way you… Everything about you is … is … already perfect. You’re funny, really quick, did you know that? You’re hands-down the best draw-er I’ve ever met, and I think … you’re exceptional. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Time stands still, life on PAUSE. We contemplate each other, with all the “what ifs” and alternative-universe scenarios where things might have been different between us. I feel like helium, floating.
But no. I’m nothing without… What am I but the invisible girl?
I press PLAY, time resumes and I plummet to earth.
What am I thinking? My mind’s playing tricks on me. Twisted as a double helix. All I want is Finn. Not Isaac. I’m amazing? Whatever! Isaac’s playing a game. Trying to manipulate me into breaking up with Finn. I take myself off MUTE.
“What are you talking about? I’m fine. I’m OK. I can handle it.” I stretch the words to their most emphatic. I shove Finn’s phone into Isaac’s hand. I want him to know I’ve read his message. How dare he stick his oar in? He gives me the evil eye all year, hardly says a word to me, then spurts off a load of crap about me getting my act together? Out. Of. Order.
“I care about you, Carla. Don’t let Finn destroy you.”
I feel hot and my chest starts to thump. Breathe, Carla. “Look, Is—” I begin, but I’m cut short. Finn appears in the open doorway, gripping the frame, fuming. A pulse of adrenalin zooms around my body.
“I can’t believe you’re trying it on with my girlfriend!”
“I’m not trying it on. I’m just sick of you not listening. She deserves better. You’ll hurt her.”
“I’m right here!” I interject. Can’t take this verbal slanging match. Kids fighting over a toy. “You’re just trying to mess things up for us!” I shout at Isaac.
“No, Carla, I’m not,” he replies. But I don’t want to hear it.
Finn clenches his fists, steps out of the doorway and squares up to Isaac.
“Oh yeah, you’re concerned about Carla’s welfare? Whatever, mate. You’re jealous. You’re just jealous,” he insists.
“I’m not listening to this,” I say, but neither hears me. The blood’s running too hot and thick between their ears.
“Why are you trying to ruin things? We’re fine. I love Carla. Leave it. Just go, will you?”
Isaac shakes his head. They lock eyes, stubborn as each other.
Finn’s body expands like a balloon, his ever-so-red, perfect lips twitch. “Go!” he shouts again. “Get out of here!”
“I can’t, mate. I can’t. Wake up and smell the codeine. She’s not used to it,” Isaac adds, unruffled, like a sea refusing to whip with the wind.
Finn shakes Isaac’s shoulders, trying to force a reaction. “Fuck’s sake, Isaac. It’s none of your bloody business,” he says, ramming his brother backwards.
Isaac lunges at Finn, sending him crashing into me. I scrape my arm on the sandpaper surface of the brick wall and sink to the ground. Pinpricks of blood appear like a rash.
“You’re the one hurting me, Isaac! This is too much for me to handle!” I roar. I pull myself up and charge between them, brimming with weird energy. I just want to be calm again. Got to get out of this. Everything’s OK. Don’t panic.
I head towards the school gates.
Isaac calls after me, “He’s going out with you to get back at Violet for cheating on him last year!”
What the hell?
I turn to see Finn rush at Isaac, pinning him against the wall.
“Sorry. I had to tell you. And there’s something els—”
“Fuck off, Isaac!” Finn presses his arm against Isaac’s neck. “He’s lying, Carla, I promise you. I love you, tiger.”
Havelock appears, sweat on his brow, his rolled-up sleeves revealing thick, dark hair on his tanned arms. He rounds the corner carrying a bag of footballs. Probably been covering a PE lesson.
“Finn! Isaac! What’s going on?” he yells in his taking-no-shit voice.
“Nothing, sir.”
“Wait for me in my room.” Havelock turns to me. “Carla, come here. Now.”
But Havelock’s not important.
“You’re a liar,” I say, hardly knowing which brother I’m speaking to.
I start to run.
“Carla, wait!” Finn calls out. But he doesn’t follow me.
Havelock shouts my name. I keep running.