When the remains of sleep fell away and reality jerked her awake, Olivia shot upright and grabbed her phone. She didn’t want to look at the screen but had to. She’d set it to silent during the night so she could get enough sleep to be able to get through the day, but just as she thought, there was a message from her mum who had stayed at the nursing home during the night. She mentally prepared herself for the words, then read the text: Your grandma is one tough cookie. She’s actually improving, can you believe it?
Olivia gasped. ‘What?’ She had thought she would wake to bad news.
She sent a reply to her mum who explained the latest situation. Antibiotics seemed to be kicking in and her temperature and oxygen levels were improving.
After a quick breakfast she took Mia and visited Mrs May, though she decided not to stay too long. Her grandma needed rest, and the nurse said she would call if she worsened. So Olivia did what she’d always done to keep her mind off waiting, she went to work, and Mia said she would be okay to go to school, despite being late.
The day went fast, she checked her phone every spare chance, and she even added ‘first camping trip’ to the memory jar, but decided to leave out the bit about the passionate sex.
They went back to the nursing home that night, and the next morning Mrs May had improved even more, though was not yet speaking. Olivia resisted texting Joel to update him; she thought if she told him of her grandma’s fighting spirit it might jinx the situation and then she’d have to tell him the bad news. Which still she knew would happen, but it didn’t appear to be happening right now.
Late afternoon a text from her mother came in: She’s asking for water, which is a good sign, and chocolate!
‘Ha!’ Olivia laughed out loud. She knew where she got her chocolate addiction from. She couldn’t wait to get there after work and speak to her again, since she’d thought she’d never get another chance.
When she arrived with Mia that night, her grandmother was semi-reclined and lifting her oxygen mask off slightly to speak. Olivia caught the end of the sentence: ‘… give them a piece of my mind.’
‘Give who a piece of your mind?’ Olivia asked, walking towards the bed with a smile and open arms.
‘Long story,’ Diana said.
‘How are you?’ Olivia kissed her grandma’s warm forehead. She was still looking pasty but had more life in her than the last time she’d seen her.
‘Been better,’ she said, her voice raspy. She took a few deeper breaths through the mask.
Mia rubbed Mrs May’s arm slightly. ‘Does it hurt?’ she asked quietly.
‘No dear.’ Mrs May glanced to her granddaughter. ‘They take good care of me.’
Diana stood and stretched.
‘Take a break, Mum,’ Olivia said.
‘Might do that. Mia? Would you like to come get a drink?’
She nodded and took Diana’s hand.
Olivia sat in the chair her mother had been in, the vinyl still warm beneath her trousers.
‘Camping,’ Mrs May said, lifting the mask off slightly. ‘Tell me.’
‘Grandma, you should keep that mask on and not talk so much, it’ll wear you out.’
‘Already worn out,’ she replied, continuing to alternate with deep breaths and speaking. ‘You enjoyed it?’
A smile warmed Olivia’s face, or was it the memories? ‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘I actually had a bit of company too.’
Mrs May’s eyes widened slightly. ‘That chap of yours?’
‘He’s not my chap, but yes, the writing teacher. He’s much like I imagined William would have been, it’s bizarre.’
Her grandmother smiled. ‘I hope you two will …’ she breathed through the mask, ‘… be able to give things a good old shot.’
Olivia tensed. ‘No, he’s on his way this week, wandering to his next adventure. He actually offered to try, to have a go at something, but I told him we are better off as friends.’
‘And you’re okay with that?’
She didn’t know what to say.
‘Darling,’ she breathed, ‘if a man makes an attempt to win you over, then by golly, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. Because so many of them give up, don’t make any effort, and leave you wondering if romance really exists.’ Her grandma leaned back and breathed deeply for a while, and Olivia hoped she wasn’t overdoing it.
‘But I don’t want to get hurt, it’s easier to leave things on a good note.’
‘Honey,’ Mrs May reached out her hand and Olivia took it. ‘We must take risks in life, don’t live in fear.’ Olivia stroked her grandma’s hand. ‘Don’t die wondering about the wanderer.’
The words went straight to her heart, her soul, and somewhere deep inside that felt like an arrow, Joel’s arrow, had been shot right into the centre.
If she went on with life as it was, she would always wonder. Yes, perhaps if they saw each other again in a romantic way, it may not work out, and it may hurt, and things may be forever awkward between them or they might lose contact and be gone forever from each other’s life, but what if … what if life surprised her? What if it went right? She would never know.
‘But what do I do?’ she asked. ‘I pretty much told him he should leave.’
‘Then un-tell him, dear.’
Could I?
Could it be as simple as a phone call, an ‘I’ve changed my mind’ plea, and he would rush over and wrap her in his arms?
‘Do it, now. Don’t waste time.’ Her grandma’s mask clouded with her breaths, and Olivia realised it was now or never. Life could be over in a flash. Her heart pounded in anticipation. ‘I will, thanks, Grandma. I’ll go get Mum and Mia to come back in.’
Olivia went to find them, and told her mother she had to step outside to make a call.
When she got outside of the entrance, lit by a pair of subdued lights either side of the automatic doors, she took a nervous breath and pressed call on Joel’s contact.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Is all okay? Is she …’ his voice trailed off.
‘Oh, yes, she’s fine. Well, not fine, but she’s actually improved and is responding to the medication. She’s even talking.’
‘Wow,’ he let out a relieved-sounding sigh. ‘Really? That’s great news. When I saw your caller ID, I …’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘And it’ll happen at some point, but …’
‘Not today.’
‘Exactly.’ She almost forgot why she was calling. ‘So, ah, you plan to leave tomorrow?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘And I’ve been thinking …’
‘You have?’
‘Is that such a surprise?’ He chuckled.
She smiled. ‘Of course. I had no idea you thought about things. How strange.’ How was this becoming one of their usual silly conversations, instead of the serious one she planned to have with him?
‘I think you were right,’ he said. ‘We are great friends. We shouldn’t disrupt that. And you know me too well … I’ve never been able to stay still, stay put, and the idea of trying to do anything other than what I’m used to is a bit of a risk.’
Uh-oh. No. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
She almost said ‘hang on, but …’ but he kept talking …
‘I loved our night together, Olivia, it was so different to anything else I’ve experienced. And what a great memory it will be, and the fact that we can both be adult about the situation, and stay friends like this, is pretty special.’
She nodded, as though to convince herself again, though he couldn’t see her.
‘Olivia?’
‘Yes. Yes, you’re right. We’re both right. Our friendship is pretty cool. We’re lucky to not have any … awkwardness between us, after the weekend.’
‘None at all. I’ve always felt comfortable with you.’
‘Me too. Well, maybe not at first, but pretty soon after!’
‘Once I got you out of your comfort zone.
‘Yes.’
Damn it. She had been right to leave things where they were, hadn’t she? He was agreeing with her now, and she was probably saving herself a lot of heartache down the track by not giving in to this risk. It was better to stay friends, she would rather have that than for their relationship to go sour at some point. So why, when she ended the call, could she not stop tears from flowing out of her eyes and down her cheeks? Why did the thought of being only friends bring a different kind of heartache all of its own? She leaned against the outside wall of the nursing home and wiped at her tears. Why? Because she had already fallen for him, big time. She was glad she had experienced a night of pleasure, and she didn’t regret going into that knowing it could be a one-off, but it didn’t take away the fact that her heart ached for more. But she knew it was time to let it go, just like her grandma had tossed that letter into the ocean for William, she too had symbolically tossed aside her chance for a new possibility with a wanderer of her own.
And she wouldn’t have to die wondering, because she would convince herself, day in and day out, that it wouldn’t have worked. That it wouldn’t work. Because it wouldn’t.
And that belief would get her through until the right man came along.