Whenever people talk about Herb’s accomplishments, they invariably end with the same sentiment.
And it makes him cringe.
Certainly, many are impressed to meet an icon in the world of psychological assessments, one who codeveloped an approach that can accurately identify an individual’s strengths, motivations, and potential. Their thoughts may have been expanded by one of the articles he coauthored in the Harvard Business Review, just as their hearts may have been touched by a keynote presentation he delivered at a global conference. But invariably, they end by saying something along the lines of “and, on top of all that, he is blind.”
That last sentiment is very unsettling for Herb. He dislikes it. Immensely.
“It makes me extremely uncomfortable,” he says, definitively. “The truth is that everyone has some kind of disability, and it does frustrate me that I can’t do certain things I know I would have enjoyed, like playing tennis. I love sports, and I would have loved to have played on a team. But my disability ruled that out. I’d love to see a beautiful woman. I would also love to scuba dive and see all the multicolored fish. These are things I miss. The reality is that being blind can be limiting and annoying. After getting my Ph.D. with highest honors, I was denied certain jobs because I was blind. When I was a teenager, there were certain girls who wouldn’t go out with me because I was blind. Sometimes their parents wouldn’t let their daughters go out with me because of my blindness. All that hurt. It really hurt.”
As he reflected on how he had been rejected by some simply because he was blind, the psychologist in him considered how “rejection can paralyze some people, while causing others to carry on with even more determination.”
Herb is less interested in focusing on the differences that some people may use to stereotype or limit others, and more interested in uncovering the strengths inside of each of us that can distinguish us and create enormous possibilities.
His life’s work has been about trying to establish a level playing field where the potential of each of us can be identified and developed, making all the difference in the world.
He has a soft spot for the underdog, for those who have not been given an equal and fair shot simply because of prejudice—about their gender, their race, or any preconceived “disability.”
Still, it is an intriguing paradox. Something that others admire about him, at a level that they find truly astonishing, he finds to be a nuisance, a burden, something he’d prefer to skip over, like a stone that a child flicks across a lake. Rather than being known as someone who overcame, at momentous levels, the disadvantages of being blind, Herb would like to be known as someone from Brooklyn who, with an extra dash of moxie, took a shot, and continues to keep taking shot after shot after shot.
When you get to know Herb, he often starts by talking about where he’s from. Brooklyn is where he started and, at least in his mind, always returns; it is his anchor and his bridge. Brooklyn is where he got his determination, his way of seeing the world, and his very identity.
By way of a quick example, several years ago, as we sat waiting to interview Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), who also grew up in Brooklyn, for our book Succeed on Your Own Terms, I leaned over to Herb and whispered, “Listen, I know you love to reminisce about your old stomping grounds, but could you just hold off on it this once? We have a lot to cover, with very little time to do it in.”
“Sure. No problem,” he assured me, as the senator walked into the room. She greeted us warmly, then immediately said she had heard that Herb was from Brooklyn. And there was nothing I could do. In a New York minute, they both dove into the deep end of reminiscing. When two people from Brooklyn first meet, and I’ve come to know this pattern, they play a game where they first name streets and places. (It’s like a test, as if someone might actually fake being from Brooklyn.) So, the senator and Herb started talking about where you could get the best cheesecake in the world (Junior’s, of course); then Ebbets Field, where the Dodgers would always come back next year; and finally, the section of Brooklyn where she grew up (Borough Park), and the section where he grew up (Crown Heights). And while all of this was going on, I was thinking, “I don’t believe this. A half hour is almost up, and all I’ve got from this interview is reminiscences about the bridge, the Dodgers, and Coney Island.” Then, just as they were about to promise to meet at Nathan’s for a hot dog, one of the senator’s assistants poked his head in, saying that they had to rush off to their next appointment.
I knew it. I could sense this coming a mile away. Our time was up. All I had was a recording of two people from Brooklyn agreeing that there was no place better to grow up. I was empty-handed, our time had elapsed, and my options were gone.
Then the most unexpected thing happened, as the senator held up her hand and said she wanted to continue this interview, instructing her assistant to push her schedule back an hour. And just like that, the conversation shifted gears. The senator began covering both personal and professional ground, speaking with enormous candor about her hopes, disappointments, and sense of history. Her insights, as well as some of her memories about growing up in Brooklyn, became one of the key chapters in our book about believing in yourself and pursuing your dreams.
This meeting illustrates a key quality of Herb’s, and it is one that runs the risk of becoming a lost art form. In a world of tweets, texts, and sound bites, I’ve often been struck by Herb’s ability to immediately connect with people. His formula for engaging with others is simple and straightforward. His conversations quickly become personal and meaningful, leading to deep relationships.
“Generally speaking, my approach is just to want to connect,” he explained. “If you are genuinely interested in someone else, they usually respond in kind. It’s just about being interested. We all like to get a smile. So, I like to start off by giving one. And it is usually returned. When I first meet someone, I talk with them as if we were friends. That’s my assumption. Why not? Then, through acting as if we are friends, we become friends very quickly.”
Alyson Brandt, president USA at Fusion Learning, said she has viewed Herb as a mentor throughout her entire professional career. “I met him when I was just starting in the business world,” she noted. His advice enabled me to feel the confidence I needed to jump full force into becoming a sales professional. And I have turned to him at every important stage in my career: from becoming a global sales leader to now being at the helm of U.S. operations for a global learning company.” She describes Herb as having “enthusiasm that is off the charts, along with a quick mind, advice that is wise and focused, and a wonderful mix of drive, vision, and playfulness.”
“Herb, first and foremost, has this tremendous smile and a positive vibe about him that is contagious,” added Tom Gartland, the former president, North America for Avis Budget Group. “He has this extremely positive aura, with an energy so high that it just completely blows me away. His memory is uncanny, his insights profound, and he connects with people in a way that is genuine, positive, and inspirational.”
Laura Kohler, senior vice president of human resources at Kohler Co., agreed completely, describing Herb as “an expert with an entrepreneurial spirit, who is very warm and passionate, and has a remarkable way of drawing people into him and establishing trust.”
What does he look for, and what does he try to convey when he initially meets someone?
In a “Forethought Conversation” in the Harvard Business Review, Herb was asked, “Do managers overemphasize or misread visual clues when evaluating people for jobs or promotions?” He responded, “Most people depend too much on their sight. How does someone look? Do they fit the part? Some of those visual cues can be as superficial and inaccurate as ‘She seems to carry herself like a leader’ or ‘He looks like he would fit in with the rest of the department.’ That first impression then becomes the context for the rest of the information they gather about an individual. They may hear the person’s responses differently because they like what they see or because the person is smiling convincingly at them. That’s one of the reasons why, during Freudian therapy, an individual is on the couch, facing away from the therapist, who just listens.”
When asked, What sorts of nonvisual cues do you notice? Herb responded, “The proverb says, ‘The eyes are the window to the soul,’ but I think it’s the voice. People can work on their smile. They can convey a certain look. There’s so much plastic surgery these days that someone can actually buy a certain look. But voices are genuine. You can tell if a person is comfortable with you, not putting up barriers. Or you can tell if there’s no reaching out in the person’s voice. When someone’s voice is flat or quiet, you don’t have any idea what he or she is feeling or thinking. That can be a warning flag.”
That’s why Herb says he makes an extra effort to pay close attention to people’s voices. Is there warmth? Genuine enthusiasm? Sincerity? A way of expressing themselves that is real? Or are they trying too hard? Uncomfortable with themselves? Not really interested? Thinking about something else?
Where does his ability to read and authentically connect with people come from?
“I think part of the way I connect with people has to do with how I grew up,” Herb says. “We all talked to each other. It was what we did, how we engaged. We were rarely inside on a hot summer day. But if we were, we’d have our windows open, so we might hear the bell ringing from a Bungalow Bar or Good Humor ice cream truck going by. Then we’d all run out with our nickel, buy something, and then sit around talking as we ate our ice cream. Most of the time, though, we were always outside anyway, playing a game or sitting on the stoops and street corners, trying to catch a breeze. So we were always having conversations with our friends and neighbors. It was just part of how we lived. Always ready to start a conversation. Always connecting. There was a feeling like we were all in it together.” He paused, then added, “Nowadays, we stay inside, where the air-conditioning keeps us cool.”
And, perhaps, separates us from each other.
The ability to truly connect with others, to engage in meaningful conversations, may be one of the most important attributes leaders can learn from their elders. While social media certainly has many advantages—we can now connect faster and in ways that were unimaginable just a few years ago—it is important to recognize that our connections through social media are very different. And it is worth considering that those connections alone may not be engaging us as deeply as we might hope.
In previous generations, we looked to our elders to instill tradition and to pass on wisdom. Now, however, they (and perhaps we, as well) too often feel that their experiences have little to do with our current lives—that the ground beneath them is shifting so quickly that their advice may sound as if it is coming from a completely different world.
As we seek to engage, however, their conversational wisdom, as Herb expresses so clearly, may have much more to teach us than the latest addition to Wikipedia.
How can leaders become more engaged in their professional and personal lives?
Martin Seligman, the founder of positive psychology, offers that to find meaning and true happiness, we all need to have a rich repertoire of friends with whom we stay connected. It is through those connections that the strength of our character is enhanced and we truly flourish.
The last thing in the world we are looking for is another prerecorded phone message, a five-second sound bite, or a 140-character tweet to guide us. We are looking for real conversations with each other, sharing our joys and losses, our depth and meaning.
We are seeking to engage, and to be engaged.
As Herb suggests, the last thing in the world we want to do is backtrack or wish we could set the clock back to a “golden age.” Instead, the way to find true engagement may be through finding our own new and unique blend of connecting with each other—one that combines the ubiquity of social media with the intimacy of personal conversations.
Through that enhancement, we may be able to find true engagement on a broad and deep level. And in those engagements, leaders may find what they have been missing in themselves and in those around them.
Have you ever noticed how people deal with their cell phones differently when they are on a train? Most of them are texting. But those who are talking on their phones invariably start the conversation with something like, “Can you hear me OK?”
They know that the signal strength may be limited or fluctuate as the train is moving. So, with the anticipation of a technical glitch, they naturally ask if their connection is OK.
It is rare, however, that we confirm whether or not we have a strong connection when we are just having a regular conversation with someone. But it might be something worth considering. As leaders, we could probably all benefit from asking, from time to time, how strong our connection is. Is the other person available to listen right now? Can that person give you his or her full attention? Or would there be a better time to try to connect? Are you being clear and open? Or are you losing your signal?
Taking a minute to test out the connection between you and the person you are trying to connect with can go a long way toward increasing the understanding between you and him or her.
Herb commented in the Harvard Business Review that he learns an enormous amount about people from listening to the intonation, cadence, and genuineness of their voice. Here’s an interesting experiment to try based on this concept.
Try concentrating on people’s voices. Do it for a full day. Then ask yourself: Can you describe the voice of someone you genuinely care about? How does he or she make you feel? How does the person’s voice add to his or her words?
Now try describing the voice of someone who drives you absolutely crazy. How would you describe that voice? How does it make you feel? How does it take away from the person’s words?
Now think about your own voice.
Psychological Insights—Empathy
How do you tune in to others and understand where they are coming from? Herb says, “Empathy is the starting place for succeeding in virtually every relationship—on a professional level as well as in our personal lives.”
Having assessed the potential and motivation of more than four million individuals around the world, Caliper’s research shows that empathy is actually rarer than you might think.
“Most of us get stuck interpreting the world from our own narrow point of view,” Herb says. And that can be very limiting, particularly as the world becomes smaller, communication happens faster and connections are made—or missed—in a heartbeat.
We can all express sympathy. When we hear of someone’s misfortune, we send a card or say, “I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.” But, as Herb pointed out in the Harvard Business Review, true empathy starts with making a genuine connection and really being able to understand where another person is coming from.
“It is important to keep in mind that empathy does not necessarily involve agreeing with the feelings of others, but it does involve knowing what their feelings and ideas are,” Herb adds.
Empathy is the ability to read others. It’s knowing what drives them. It’s being able to intuit their strengths, limitations, potential, and motivations. Empathy is the ability to pick up the subtle clues and cues provided by others in order to accurately assess what they are thinking and feeling.
There are three distinct ways individuals can come across as being empathic.
“Individuals who are genuinely empathic have very high levels of flexibility, openness, and sensitivity,” Herb says. They have natural warmth, which others immediately sense and respond to. When someone who is empathic asks how others are, they often receive a real, sometimes surprising answer. “We can sense that they care, and as a result, our relationship can become more open and meaningful,” he added.
We have also come across individuals who have what we would measure to be a moderate level of empathy, but when the situation calls for it, they are able to turn up the volume on their empathy. And their situational empathy allows them to tune in, when needed, to pick up the subtle clues and cues that others might miss.
“In addition,” Herb says, “we have consulted with individuals who succeed because they have a natural intellectual curiosity and are very accommodating. Such individuals can come across as being intrigued by how things work and fascinated to know why things are the way they are. And they can also get people to open up.”
The results of understanding others can be very similar for all three of these individuals as long as they are being true to themselves and playing to their natural strengths. All three—those with a deep-seated sense of empathy, those who know how to turn up the volume on the empathy they have, and those who are intellectually curious and accommodating—are able to connect with others, creating a desired level of trust and confidence. “What is important is that they are being genuine, not trying to be something they are not. Someone who is faking it will turn us off in a minute,” he adds. We can all sense a fake a mile away.
That being said, we are naturally drawn to people who possess genuine empathy. Empathy is the starting place for connecting.
Ironically, according to Aristophanes, that longing for a true connection with another was a punishment that Zeus cast on the human race. In order to teach us humility, he split us in two. Ever since that day, we have wandered the world, searching for our other halves. It is in that searching, Aristophanes causes us to consider, that we are pursuing our complete self, a sense of wholeness, our well-being.
Clearly, from a leadership perspective, empathy is needed to make real and lasting connections with others. As Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of Emotional Intelligence, wrote, “Executives who can effectively focus on others are easy to recognize. They are the ones who find common ground, whose opinions carry the most weight, and with whom other people want to work. They emerge as natural leaders regardless of organizational or social rank.”
Confirming this premise, Claudio Fernández-Aráoz, a senior advisor at global executive search firm Egon Zehnder, found in an analysis of new C-level executives that those who had been hired for their self-discipline, drive, and intellect were sometimes later let go because they lacked social skills. While they were extremely bright and could focus single-mindedly on results, their inability to get along socially on the job led to their professional undoing.
Harvard Business School professor and former CEO of Medtronic Bill George echoes, “Authentic leaders demonstrate a passion for their purpose, practice their values consistently, and lead with their hearts as well as their heads. They establish long-term, meaningful relationships and have the self-discipline to get results.” In other words, they know who they are, and they know the strengths and potential of those with whom they decide to surround themselves.
“And it all starts, or stops, with empathy,” Herb says.
“Leaders with real empathy are able to connect with those around them in ways that create new openings,” he adds. “They are able to make whatever walls may exist between people crumble and disappear. Their empathy is authentic. It all starts with being interested in and caring about others. Genuinely.”
Questions to Ask Yourself About Empathy
Below are “a lot of words with question marks after them.” You can view them that way, as something easily skipped over. Or you can recognize that the questions we ask ourselves determine who we will become. And the most powerful questions will exceed powerful answers to lesser questions.
These questions are posed for you to consider as you create your own vision, tap into your personal strengths, and pursue your own leadership journey. They are to be taken as seriously as you wish. And they can be taken at different times, as your answers will undoubtedly evolve and change as your leadership journey unfolds.
Some of the questions may challenge you. Others may be among those you’ve asked yourself from time to time. There are no right or wrong answers. Only yours. And the extent to which they change over time is a measure of the degree to which you are growing as a leader. Your answers to the questions in this section will provide a starting point to consider the role empathy plays in your approach to leadership.
1. How do you connect with people? Where do you start?
2. When you first meet someone, do you ask questions about him or her? Or do you tend to tell the person something about yourself first?
3. Do you prefer to start a conversation with someone by talking about a light subject? Or do you dive right into something deep and meaningful?
4. Do you have a favorite question to ask when you first meet someone new?
5. Where do you get inspiration?
6. How often do you smile?
7. How often do you make others smile?