CHAPTER 55

Turtles?

“The category you’ve chosen is Turtles, and here is the first question. How many kinds of turtles are there?”

Iggy and Crazy Wig whispered to each other.

“Shot down,” Al said.

“How can they possibly know that?” Seamus asked.

“We’re going to say two hundred seventy, Ed,” Crazy Wig said.

“And the answer is,” Ed said, “two hundred seventy! You’re off to a good start, contestants! You have five dollars. Answer the next question correctly and get another five dollars—but remember, a wrong answer will cost you five dollars! Now, for another five dollars, how long have turtles been on earth?”

They didn’t even whisper this time.

“Turtles have been here since before the dinosaurs,” Iggy said.

“It’s about two hundred and thirty million years, Ed,” Crazy Wig said.

“That’s right! Chief Crazy Wig and little Iggy Birnbaum, you have ten dollars! But there’s another question coming. Will they get it right, audience?”

“Who knows?”

“This is a tough one,” Ed Eft said. “Can turtles hear, and do they have ears?”

“Turtles don’t have an outer ear, Ed,” Crazy Wig said.

“But they do have an inner ear, and can hear,” Iggy said.

“Answer this next one, and you’ll have twenty dollars,” Ed Eft said. “What is the largest turtle?”

“It’s the leatherback sea turtle at ninety-five inches long, Ed,” Crazy Wig said.

“The largest tortoise is the Galápagos tortoise,” Iggy said, “and the largest freshwater turtle in the United States is the alligator snapping turtle.”

“You anticipate our next question, little Yggdrasil,” Ed Eft said. “Is there a difference between a tortoise and a turtle?”

“There is, Ed,” Iggy said. “In North America we call them tortoises if they live on land, and turtles if they need constant access to water. And there is one type of turtle we call a terrapin—it’s the diamondback terrapin, and it lives in brackish, or slightly salty, water.”

“But in Europe, only sea turtles are referred to as turtles,” Crazy Wig said. “Freshwater varieties are called terrapins, and land-based varieties are called tortoises, including box turtles, which need access to water.”

“Twenty-five dollars, and not a single wrong answer!” Ed Eft said. “Get five more right, and divide a hundred dollars between you. Now, here’s a toughie—what do turtles do in the winter?”

“They brummate, Ed.”

“Correct! They brummate, which is another word for hibernate. You’re doing great, contestants. And we’ll be right back to play this exciting game, after a word from Mad Man Muntz, maker of Muntz television sets.”

The guy in the suit read an advertisement for television sets, and said the name of the radio station, and what time it was.

Seamus and Al and I were pretty excited. Between them, Crazy Wig and Iggy appeared to know all there was to know about turtles. After the commercial, the questions and answers resumed.

Smallest turtle? The bog turtle, or Muhlenberg’s turtle. Smallest tortoise? The speckled cape padloper. Can turtles take off their shells? No.

“And now for our last question,” Ed Eft said. “Get this one right, and divide a hundred dollars. What is meant by Turtle Island?”

“I’ll take this one,” Crazy Wig said. “This is . . . this North American continent is Turtle Island, and the reason is that, according to Amerindian belief, this land is supported on the back of a great turtle.”

“That is absolutely correct!” Ed Eft shouted. “A perfect score, and our contestants, Chief Crazy Wig and Yggdrasil Birnbaum, win one hundred dollars!”

The applause sign was flashing on and off, and we were stamping and clapping and cheering and whistling.

“I’d like to say something, Ed,” Crazy Wig said.

“Certainly, Chief,” Ed Eft said.

“Los Angeles is in great peril, maybe doomed,” Crazy Wig said. “Ancient prophesies tell us that a huge catastrophe is about to happen. Gigantic animals nobody has ever seen before will be rampaging in the streets. People won’t know which way to run. I am going to spend my fifty dollars on a bus ticket out of here, and I advise everyone else to do the same.”

“Chief Crazy Wig, ladies and gentlemen!” Ed Eft said, clapping his hands. “A great contestant! Let’s give the chief a big round of applause!”

Yaaay! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap.