PENIS ENVY

AI

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My wife deserved to be shot.

I served time in the Gulf,

and I am telling you

when I came home and found her packed up and gone,

it wasn’t long until I hatched a plan.

I located the man behind it all,

staked out his apartment and his job.

Then one afternoon, I dressed up in camouflage,

loaded my AK-47

and went to Hot Dog Heaven.

I found them in the parking lot,

sharing kisses over lunch.

I came up from behind, but changed my mind

and walked right in front,

and aimed through the windshield,

before they had a chance to see who it was.

I shouted my name, hoping she would hear as she died,

then I went to the passenger side

and fired at his head. A red mass

exploded like a sunburst.

At first, I couldn’t believe I’d done it,

then I put the gun down

and looked at my hands, which were steady.

I pulled open the door,

before I knew what I was doing.

I just had to see what he was hiding in his pants.

It was pathetic, a sad, shriveled thing

there between his legs

and not the foot-long

she had said made her scream with pleasure.

I did hear screams, but they were coming

from my mouth, not hers.

Noise, I thought, as I fired at her body again.

Of course, I’d turned the gun on myself.

What else could I do to erase it all?—

the 911 calls, the sirens in the distance,

but the ordinariness of murder overwhelmed me,

possessed me like a spirit

and I thought how easy it would be

to take two or three more people with me.

Instead, I decided to give myself up,

plus I was out of ammunition.

I guess it is my destiny,

to be a living example for other men,

who are only bluffing when they threaten violence.

Now once a week, I write a column on relationships

for the prison publication.

I base my advice on actual situations.

For example, Clarence Thomas.

He had a dick fixation, just as I did.

For me, it was a torment and my downfall

and nearly his.

Ultimately, the question is always

how far are you willing to go?

I think within his parameters,

Clarence went the distance.

As far as I’m concerned,

he’s earned his place on the Supreme Court

and stands tall beside all the other men,

who haven’t given in to a woman’s scorn,

who are born again from the fire of their ridicule.

If you ask me, Anita Hill got off too easily.

I would have caught the bitch

some afternoon, while the cherry blossoms

were in bloom

and boom, solved all my problems.

Oops! I think I wobbled over the line

that separates fantasy from crime.

The counselors tell me all the time

I’ve got to get it straight

how the imagination sometimes

races on without us.

But I know Debby and Ed are off somewhere

eating wedding cake

and letting me take the fall for their betrayal.

Is it fair that on the other side of this wall

Clarence has it all

and I have nothing but a ball and chain?

That reminds me, I checked this Othello play

out of the library.

It’s about a guy

who loses his reputation and his wife,

well, he kills her, but she made him.

I found some parallels to my own life and Clarence’s.

Othello’s black.

But the other subtler thing is how a man

must stand up to humiliation,

must retaliate, or lose himself,

who when he finds some pubic hair

in his can of Coke

must ask, regardless of the consequences,

who put it there?