) I couldn’t get all worked up over my own problems. I had to take care of his. It gave me a chance to cool down. Things look different now.Jade’s Diary
February 26
No, it’s not. It’s three in the morning, so that makes it February 27.
What a night!! I just got Gavin settled down. I should go to bed myself, but there’s too much going on in my head. I have to write it out.
It’s probably a good thing Gavin had a migraine. (Not for him, of course ) I couldn’t get all worked up over my own problems. I had to take care of his. It gave me a chance to cool down. Things look different now.
The truth is, I’ve known something was up with Mick for a while. There was that poker game he went to with the guys even though we had a movie planned.
Then there was that time he got all pissy just because I made the server take my salad back and that other time he “wanted an early night.” I had the feeling he wasn’t answering all my calls anymore either.
I couldn’t figure it out. This wasn’t the Mick I knew. We used to spend every waking minute together. We were the perfect couple. Everyone said that. Then, suddenly, he was like, “Sorry, Jade, I’m doing something with Quinn.”
“Sorry, Jade, but it’s only five dollars. Don’t go getting the waitress in trouble just because you asked for dressing on the side.”
“Sorry, Jade. I didn’t hear my phone.”
I thought I’d done something wrong. I racked my brain to figure out what—and tonight I got the answer. I realized it wasn’t what I did. It was what I didn’t do.
I’ve been so busy lately with homework and work and looking after Gavin and applying to nursing school that I haven’t had time for Mick. He’s probably worried I don’t care anymore, scared he’s going to lose me. If he were someone else, he might have tried to talk to me about it, but Mick’s not a talker. Instead, he struck back in the only way he knew how—by deliberately provoking me. It’s like he’s going, “See? I don’t need you either.”
I understand that now—although the sad thing is he does need me. Mick’s got two parents, three grandparents, a brother and a sister, but the fact is, he doesn’t really have a family. Not the way Mom and Gavin and I do.
We don’t have the big house or the big family reunions or the big trips down south every year, but we do talk to each other. We care about each other. At the Staynors’ you’re lucky if you hear “Dinner’s on” or “Don’t leave your hockey gear in the hall.” That’s their idea of a heartfelt conversation. No wonder Mick always wants to hang out in our crappy little apartment instead of at his place.
When I realized that, I was all ready to call him and say how sorry I was for hurting his feelings, but then Gavin threw up and I didn’t have the chance. Now I’ve changed my mind. I am sorry—but I realize that even mentioning Mick’s feelings would be wounding him again. He’s a guy. He doesn’t want to look like a wuss.
So I’m just going to let this go. I’ll give him a little space. I’ll act like we both need to chill out. I want him to be able to come back to me when he’s ready—and with his dignity intact. Too bad it wasn’t intact tonight.
Oops. I didn’t mean that. Neither of us behaved as well as we could have, and I know he feels badly for what he did to Gavin. Emotions were running high—and hey, we all have our bad days now and again.
Speaking of which, tomorrow’s going to be hell. Bio, Chemistry AND Math. Plus I’m cleaning Mrs. Crespo’s apartment after school. I’ve GOT to go to sleep!
Note to Self
1. Iron pink shirt.
2. Talk to Mr. Panjvani about a reference letter.
3. Finish yearbook write-up.