"Well, Doc, what do you think? Am I up for this little pilgrimage?"
"Yeah, Doc, I think you're up to anything." Bill Connelly nodded to Reed, who sat, relaxed and easy, on the PTSD specialist's couch. Then the psychiatrist smiled at Delaney, close by, holding Reed's hand. "Especially since you have the miracle worker here with you."
Brows arched, Reed shook his head. "Oh, no, don't tell her that. She'll be impossible to live with."
It was quite a different remark from the one Reed had made two months ago after the ordeal with Sam Leone at the cabin. "I couldn't have done this without you, babe." Or even in the weeks following. "Come with me to New York. I'm going to see that doctor again. I want this thing out of my life." And then this morning, on the day of the biggest hurdles he'd cross. "Be there for me, honey," he'd said when they’d finished making love. "I need you today."
"Always," she'd whispered.
As the final session wrapped up—Reed had seen the doctor a half dozen times—and they said their goodbyes, Delaney marveled at how different things were this November from how they'd been last year. Then, she'd known Reed only as a psychologist and all-around pain-in-the-butt. Now he was her whole world. The thought often scared her to death, since she'd promised herself long ago she would never let a man mean this much to her. But she'd lost her heart on New Year's Eve and hadn't regained control of it in the months following. In truth, she didn’t want to.
She'd overridden common sense and moved into Reed's place right after Labor Day, even though he still hadn't made a commitment to her, never said he loved her. But he wanted her with him. In her saner moments, she figured that once he believed he had his PTSD under control he'd be ready to plan a future with her. When she was feeling crazy and insecure, she wondered if he'd ever ask her to be his wife. And if he didn't, would she have to leave him? But for now she tried to be content with what she had.
As they left the elevator of the swank Park Avenue practice, stepped out to the street and headed for a cab, the cold wind blew around them and the smells of the city—not all good—assaulted them. "I don't know how I ever lived here," Reed commented as he faced her and drew her leather coat closer around her neck. "It's so noisy, so busy."
"I like the bustle," she told him, returning the favor by zipping up his leather jacket. They were dressed alike in jeans, sweaters beneath the warm outerwear.
As a taxi stopped and they slid inside, she decided to tease him. "Don't forget we have shopping to do."
He rolled his eyes. "That's the worst in New York."
"We've got to get T.J. a Yankee cap and Marcy a poster of Riverdance.”
"Yeah, I know."
"Of course we'll have to hit FAO Schwarz for Gracie, and for my two nephews-to-be." Chelsea had had prenatal testing and discovered she would have twin boys in April. Delaney smiled at Reed's long-suffering look. "And I saw this underwear store in Times Square that I'm dying to check out."
Leaning over, Reed kissed her nose. "You'll wear me out yet, lady."
She laughed, noticing he'd grasped her hand and didn't let go. He touched her all the time now, openly and in private. And he talked. Sometimes, when the nightmares came—infrequently, now—he'd tell her everything he was feeling. His confidences were as priceless to her as pure gold.
Oh, they'd had their fights. He got angry when she insisted on paying half the bills at his place. And he wasn't happy when she went on a cruise with Francey, Chelsea, Beth and little Gracie at the end of October. But mostly, things had been good since the cabin incident.
She'd practically fallen to her knees and thanked God when Reed had walked out into the dark night with one arm around Sam's shoulder, and another hand on Jeanine. Both Leones were crying and Reed had stood by to tend to them.
Sam had been taken into custody and charged with assault. In the intervening weeks, his lawyer had pleaded stress-induced insanity, and with Reed's testimony and Jeanine's cooperation, Sam was sent to a clinic in Pennsylvania to get the extensive psychiatric care he needed. When he began to recover, Sam even thanked Reed for tricking him out of lighting those fires.
Theresa had gone back to work as a secretary, and eventually, when Sam came home, he'd started doing some carpentry to earn a living. Though their life was in flux, they were handling the situation. Delaney knew Reed spent time with them, personally and professionally. And Delaney still saw T.J. and Marcy frequently. Jeanine had decided to move away from Rockford.
When the cab pulled up to a small clapboard-sided house in Queens, Reed stared out the taxi's side window and went still. His expression was so poignant, Delaney wondered if this had been a good idea. Then he opened the door and got out. She paid the driver and followed him up to the tiny patch of yard. He'd stopped at its perimeter.
"The house is smaller than I remember." His voice was raspy.
"Things often are bigger in our memories," she said, grasping his hand.
He sighed. "Come on, let's go." His face was sober as they walked up the brick path, climbed the stairs and rang the doorbell.
There was noise inside. Reed pressed the buzzer again. Finally, a tall, dark-haired boy opened the door. He cocked his head, then his face split into a huge grin. "Holy cow, I don't believe it. Ma will bust a gut." The boy gave Reed a bear hug that had Reed closing his eyes and hugging back. "Ma!" he yelled at typical teenage decibel level. "Come 'ere. Hurry."
A very pretty, petite redhead appeared next to the boy. He dwarfed her. "What are you…oh, God." The woman covered her mouth with her hands and tears sprang to her eyes.
Reed said, "Hi, Tina."
Sobbing, the woman reached for him. Latched on to him and wouldn't let go. Reed closed his eyes and held on to Crash Marx's widow. After long, emotional moments, Tina stepped back. She wiped her eyes and gave him a watery smile. Then she faced Delaney and held out her hand. "Hi, I'm Tina Marx."
Delaney took Tina's hand. "I know. I'm Delaney Shaw."
Tina angled her head to the boy behind her. “This is my oldest son, Reed."
Delaney's own eyes teared. "Hi, Reed."
"Well, come on in." Tina tried to regain some composure. "You'll stay for dinner, won't you? All the boys are here. My parents are coming tonight. And somebody else I'd like you to meet."
Grasping Delaney's hand again, Reed nodded. "Yeah, we can stay."
As they followed Tina in, he mumbled, "I can do this. I can do anything."
* * *
Reed stood on a narrow New York City street, stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets and stared grimly at the eight-story parking garage. His shoulders were stiff and there was a kick in his heart. “I thought it might not be here anymore."
"No such luck." Delaney stood by him, waiting for his cue, he guessed.
"I can do this, right?"
"You did pretty well at the Marx's house yesterday, and at the firehouse this morning."
He stayed where he was, stalling. "Crash's boys are big."
"Especially your namesake."
Reed scowled. "The second one wants to be a firefighter."
"You didn't discourage him."
"No, I didn't." He took another glance at the garage. "Tina's tough, isn't she?"
"Uh-huh. Though she got pretty exasperated when you gave her fiancé the third degree—all night long, I might add."
"I know." As a matter of fact, Tina had dragged him out to the kitchen after dinner and yelled at him. But then she'd hugged him and told him his blessing was important to her. He'd told her Crash would have wanted her to be happy.
You, too, she said back. Reed believed that now.
"The firehouse hasn't changed much." He smiled at the thought of the little red brick station they'd just visited. It was only two blocks from the garage.
"No?"
He shook his head. "I was surprised I still recognized some of the guys." In truth, the men acted like he was some superhero come back to earth.
Again, he glanced at the garage. "This hurts," he said, nodding to the structure that loomed against the sky. "To see the scene."
She took his hand. "We could come back some other time."
"No, I want to do this today." He drew her close, stared at the place that had haunted his dreams for too long. "I want to put the whole thing behind me."
They went inside. Reed remembered the smell right away. Oil. Gasoline. Exhaust. He hadn't been in a parking garage for eight years, had driven blocks out of his way to avoid them. He scanned the area. Several cars were parked at angles in most of the spaces. He breathed deeply as they headed for the elevator.
Then they reached the fourth level and got out.
I want to see the place, he'd told Bill Connelly.
Why?
Because it's there, all the time in my mind. Bigger than life.
Follow your instincts, then, the psychiatrist had said.
Reed let go of Delaney's hand and walked by himself down three parking spaces. The spot where the car fire had been was empty. He stared at the small fifteen-by-ten area where Crash and Johnson and Castle had died, then strode right into the middle of space.
It, too, looked small. He glanced to the side. The rig had been off to the left. He could hear the guys joking about getting back for the Jets game. He could see Crash drag out the one-inch hose and douse the fire, saying, "I could just piss on this and put it out."
Reed pivoted.
The arsonist had been right behind him. A small, wiry man with a heart full of hate.
But today, Reed didn't hear the shots go off, or smell the blood, or feel the fire in his leg, as he'd expected to. Instead, he saw the light of day peeking through the slatted windows.
Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. She didn't say anything, just stepped close.
"The ghosts are gone," he said simply.
"You've spent years exorcising them, Reed."
He turned toward her. "No, it's because of you." He tipped her chin. "You made me face them. You were right all along. About everything."
"I'll remember that the next time we have a fight."
Briefly he kissed her. Looked around again. Then took her hand. "Come on, babe, let's blow this pop stand."
She laughed, the sound echoing through the levels.
And as they headed down the ramp, Reed vowed that that was the sound he'd remember next time he thought about the parking garage. Not the gunshots or the screams. But the ring of Delaney's beautiful laughter.
* * *
"Reed, I’m going to get sick riding in a cab like this."
She reached for the blindfold.
He stayed her hand. "You're fine. We're almost there."
"Honestly, I'm not feeling well. I'm going to barf all over you."
"Not in my cab, lady," the taxi driver barked.
Reed said, "We're here, anyway." Delaney could feel the cab swerve to the right and stop jarringly. Her stomach pitched. Reed had been playful a lot since the ordeal with Sammy, but giving the taxi driver directions for a side trip before they went to the airport, and then blindfolding her, for God's sake, was among the more unusual. But she'd been so worried about this visit to the Big Apple to lay his ghosts to rest, she didn't much care what last stop he wanted to make.
He paid the driver and helped her out of the cab. Cold air hit her in the face. She could hear people bustle around her, horns honking. And she could smell hot dogs. They were still in the city. His hands gentle, he untied the scarf around her eyes. It took her a minute to adjust to the 10:00 a.m. sunlight. She blinked, then the store came into focus. Discreet lettering. An unassuming front. Huge steel doors.
Tiffany's.
Her heart leapfrogged in her chest. She glanced at him, willing herself not to hope too much, but unable to quell that pesky little emotion Pandora had released. "What are we doing here?"
"You'll see," he told her, escorting her inside.
Delaney tried to suppress her excitement. She wanted to marry Reed more than anything in the world. But he hadn't said a word about commitment. And he still hadn't told her he loved her.
Confused, she looked around at the world-famous store.
"May I direct you, sir?" a uniformed employee at the entrance asked.
"Hmm. No thanks, I know what I want."
I know what I want. Delaney almost couldn't stand the suspense.
As they threaded their way through the crowd, she fingered the chain around her neck.
"You know, you always do that when you're feeling insecure," he said, nodding to the chain.
"Ah, the joys of being with a psychologist."
Stopping, he kissed her hair. "Are you upset about something?"
"No, of course not. Why are we here, Reed?" she snapped.
"You'll see."
They started walking again, and she lagged behind as he approached a counter that sold gold jewelry. She'd just caught up with him when she heard the pretty clerk say, "Yes, Dr. Macauley, we were expecting you."
"Expecting you?" Delaney asked, edging to the counter. "Why?"
He shook his head. "Always so curious," he said, pulling her close. "My own little Pandora."
The woman returned with a long thin box. "Here you are, sir. Just what you ordered."
Reed reached down. His big fingers fumbled a bit, as if he was nervous. Odd for him. Finally he lifted the top.
Inside, nestled on a bed of maroon velvet was a chain, with a charm attached. But she didn't get a chance to read the inscription because he picked the box up quickly. "Oh, Reed, I hope you aren't thinking of replacing this one." She pulled out the Firefighter's Lady charm around her neck. "I love this. It means a lot to me."
He detached the new chain from its velvet holder. "I think you'll like this one better."
She looked down at what he cradled in his palm. The charm was identical to the one from Pandora's Box, except that it was obviously made of better quality gold.
And except for the fact that the writing didn't say Firefighter's Lady. Instead, it said, Firefighter's Wife.
The letters blurred. Delaney bent her head. His hand came around her neck and he cuddled her close. "You've been so good about waiting until I knew I could give you what you deserve in life. Thank you." He kissed her hair. She continued to look down.
"What about it, love?" he asked against her ear. "Think you want to be a firefighter's wife?"
Oh, God, she wanted that more than she wanted to take her next breath. But he still hadn't—
"Honey, look at me."
She managed to raise her head, though she was still crying.
"I love you." He smiled softly. "I haven't told you before because I knew if I said the words, you'd never walk away from me, even if I never got better. But I'm okay. I'm fine. And I want to marry you. I want us to have a baby."
The tears came in buckets then. Gently, he slipped the chain over her head, bent down and kissed the charm. He whispered, "Say yes."
She nodded.
"Can't talk?"
She shook her head.
He drew her to him. "Well, this is a first. Delaney Shaw is speechless." Laughter rumbled in his chest next to her ear.
Lifting her chin again, he said gently, "I've got an appointment with the ring guy, but if you're too overcome with emotion, I guess we'll have to go back to Rockford without ordering wedding rings."
"Not on your life, Doc," she said to him.
His face sobered. "You've given me back my life, Delaney. And I'm gonna spend the rest of it making you happy. I promise, I’ll never be far away from you, or our kids when they come along, again."
She smiled.
And in the middle of Tiffany's, in front of the embarrassed clerk and several jaded New Yorkers, he lowered his head and sealed that promise with the tenderest of kisses.
oOo
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Reed and Delaney’s relationship was satisfying to write for many reasons. This is my third book about PTSD, and in the interim, the malady has taken root in society even more. It’s an insidious syndrome, “never far away” from a sufferer’s consciousness. So far, we’ve not found a way to overcome PTSD and as the book shows, the most a victim can hope for is to manage it. I find this incredibly sad.
Throughout the first three Rockford Fire Department books, I struggled with putting Reed and Delaney together. What would make these two people, who were so different, fall into a relationship and eventually find a happily-ever-after? At the end of CODE OF HONOR, when Reed kisses Delaney at midnight, the idea came to me: he’d resist the relationship and she’d push for it.
Were you frustrated with Reed? It was easy to think, “Come on, just get over it.” But that was the point. Those who have PTSD never get over it. They will always have this as an impediment to relationships. Think about his life and what he lost. Think about how he hurt people because of the syndrome. Much like Beth in RISKING IT ALL, he can’t get over that. He’s a good man, always helping others, unselfish and deeply sensitive. I loved Reed, truly, and to make him suffer so much was hard. But the plot unfolded, sometimes, without my conscious consent. I had to see him through this journey.
I hope you found Delaney a delight. From the start, I wasn’t sure what kind of person she’d be in this book. She, too, had a troubled background, and her trust issues were central in her reaction to Reed’s refusal to let her into his life. If I were her, I would have tried to change his mind too, but eventually I’d give up as she did, and start dating others. But weren’t you impressed that she helped the RFD, and Reed, so unselfishly? I was.
One of my favorite parts of the book, humorous yet poignant all the same, was Pandora’s Box. I had a lot of fun finding things to put in there. The psychology of Reed performing this ritual also made sense to me.
The irresistible intimacy of the main characters haunt the pages of this bittersweet novel, and today the story remains one of my favorites. I hope the same is true for you.
Kathy Shay
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Don’t miss the rest of the books in the ROCKFORD FIRE DEPARTMENT series.
She saves him from a fire, then steals his heart without even trying. When white hot attraction kicks in, sparks fly!
She’s the only woman he can’t charm. He’s the only man she can never love.
He was the most upstanding lieutenant in the department, until he made a critical error in judgment that almost ended his career. And she’s a mistake just waiting to happen.
She’s a feisty counselor of troubled teens. He’s the fire department psychologist who’s trying to outrun his demons. They clash at every turn.
And catch up with the Hidden Cove Firefighters series, whose characters appear in all these Rockford books.
Three firefighters from the Malvaso family are trapped in a burning building and almost lose their lives. After they are rescued, they decide to change the way they’ve been living. “Inspiring and emotionally invigorating…a true hero’s tale.” RT Book Reviews
To browse Kathryn’s impressive list of titles go to http://www.kathrynshay.com/books/.