| |
I meant to go to my own damned room and find some clothes. Really. But instead, my traitor feet took me toward Hisashi's room.
I stopped with my hand splayed on the wooden door. I could sense his cool, agitated spirit energy as he no doubt fought to get himself under control. I had no idea what the hell to say to him. Only that I needed to say something to make it right. Godsdamn it.
I pushed the door open and stepped inside, closing it behind me and leaning against it. I knew I needed to get this over with. But I also wanted to turn tail and run. Me and emoting were not good friends.
Hisashi stood there, still in his snug boxer-briefs, deliciously pissed off, arms crossed over his chest, staring out the window. He was in half-shift, and nine agitated tails whipped around behind him. His entire tall, lean body was tense and his white fox ears were twitched.
"Can we just talk about this?" I said with a sigh, knowing it was a long shot.
He snorted, his deep voice full of bitterness. "What is there to talk about?"
I pushed away from the door and paced a few careful steps forward. "You. The pride. Oisin." I cleared my throat, telling myself to just spit it the fuck out already. I was being such a...girl. "Us."
He turned to me then, his blue eyes rimmed in silver, the sharp angles of his face even more vulpine than usual. "Us?" he scoffed. "You don't have to do this, Gesa. I know how much you hate talking about feelings. I got the message, loud and clear." His fuzzy ears twitched, turned back like an angry dog. "I've disappointed my alpha. I get that, okay? I know you want me to leave—you as much as said so the day Oisin was taken." He straightened his spine and clenched his jaw. "But you need me to get him back. So, I'll keep trying, until I can get control of this fucking curse inside me and get him back."
He turned away from me again to glare out the window. "What more is there to talk about?"
I gaped at him for a long time. He thought I was his alpha. And he thought I wanted to get rid of him? Anger simmered inside me. Some of it for him. But most of it was anger at myself. I was so damned blind. Hisashi had told me a while back that his fox side considered me his mate. That was a deep bond between shifters.
But if what I had been suspecting was right and I was an alpha gryphon...then he thought he had betrayed his pack—and his alpha. That was, in many shifter cultures, a massive fucking problem. Some shifter societies would kill for that kind of thing. In gryphon society, the offender would be outcast, not unlike I had been—cut off from their community. Not to mention the deep, ingrained sense of shame that came with it all, thanks to hundreds of years of pack evolution.
Most shifters were pack animals, or at least had that pack mentality. To be so shamed that you were cut off from that connection was a hard blow.
And I'd made him feel that way without even realizing it. Shit...Hisashi thought I was saying he wasn't fit to be in my presence. And that I was just keeping him around to be used as a tool.
And that? That pissed me right the fuck off. How could he think I would be such a callous bitch? Sure, I'd been angry when Oisin was taken. I'd pushed some of my own guilt toward Hisashi. But that didn't mean I wanted him to leave.
"You are out of your damned mind," I blurted. So understanding and gentle. Just like me. I flinched internally.
He turned toward me and dropped his hands to his sides, clenching and unclenching his fists, his fingers tipped in claws. "So I've been told."
I growled. This was not making anything better. "Have you seriously been hanging on to whatever I said? I don't even fucking remember what I said to you Hisashi! Only that I was hurting and whatever it was, it was...venomous. I thought you wanted to leave because I've failed so badly at protecting you all!"
I didn't even realize I was moving until I found myself inches from his face. "How could you think I would just throw you away?"
I wanted to modulate my voice. I wanted to be nurturing. To tell him I loved him no matter what. But this simmering fucking rage was boiling inside, and it made my voice come out growly and angry. The mood swings were one more piece of evidence that I might not be a normal gryphon. All the tension in my pride...my damned pack, was magnified for me, emotions pinging around inside me like a demented bouncy ball.
Hisashi's eyes flashed from ice blue to pure silver. "Why wouldn't you? That's what everyone else has done—throw me away when I'm not of any use to them!"
He was vibrating with his own rage. And I think deep down, both of us knew we weren't mad at each other. But this anger needed a release valve.
I reached out and grabbed the long side of his hair, holding him close as I growled at him. "I'm not everyone else, you fucking asshole."
He snarled at me, sharp vulpine fangs showing. "Really? Because I've failed to live up to expectations. Again. As always. Only this time, someone I love is out there hurting. Probably dead."
My wings exploded from my back, ruining Hisashi's poor kimono. I curled my claws around his neck, holding him still. "I don't fucking care. You're mine, Hisashi. You don't get to give up. You don't get to leave. If I'm really your fucking alpha, then you know you belong to me."
His chest rumbled against mine where we were pressed together, a low growl building in his throat.
I don't know what the fuck possessed me.
I crushed my mouth to his, the biting kiss leaving us both bruised and breathless. Something inside just...snapped. And I felt it let loose in Hisashi too.
We grappled, savaging each other. He sank his teeth into the juncture of my neck and shoulder and I grunted with surprised pleasure. My fox was marking me. He wouldn't leave if he was taking the trouble to mark me. I was his.
I shoved him violently, following him down onto his bed when he made to jump back up. I put a hand in the center of his beautifully muscled white chest and shoved him back down, grabbing his boxers and shredding them with a talon.
Both of his cocks sprang free, engorged and leaking with need. For me. For this violent release. He reached up and ripped off the last shreds of my kimono, eyes glowing silver. His blue aura flared around us like cold fire, licking at my skin. My hair lifted in a breeze that wasn't from this world as he pulled me down to him, kissing, licking and biting every inch of flesh he could reach.
I had never fucked someone in half-shift. It felt animalistic and strange—and yet, I couldn't make myself shift back. It made logistics a bitch, though, since I couldn't do much with long, curved bird talons on my hands.
Hisashi flipped me over on my back, pinning my wings beneath us, and I raked my claws down his back, growling in frustration. He pinned both of my hands with one of his and reached down, taking both cocks in the other hand. His sly grin as he watched me watch him was pure evil and mischief—pure fox.
I gasped as he pressed forward, breaching me painfully with both of his thick appendages at the same time. Last time he'd prepped me. Used lube. Been so sweet and slow and gentle that it drove me mad.
This time, neither one of us had patience for that bullshit. This spoke to the rage inside me. Inside us both. I lifted my hips and egged him on, groaning when he thrust forward, stuffing me full.
I growled and pulled at his hand, done with being held down. I was the fucking alpha, after all. His eyes met mine, that feral look still firmly in place, but he rolled, bringing me on top, fully impaled by the nine-tail.
He freed my hands as he grasped my hips, his claws digging into the swell of muscle right above the curve of my ass. "That's right," he purred. "Take everything. I'm yours, Gesa. Even if I am only a tool."
I growled and slammed my hips down, taking him violently, raking my talons over his chest and leaving red marks behind. I knew, somehow, that this was what he wanted. To be claimed and marked. That kind of thing wasn't usually my cup of tea, but the canid shifters had their kinks. Who was I to judge?
"Bite me," he gasped, his deep voice little more than a feral growl. "Please, Gesa. Fucking bite me."
I didn't stop to think about the request. The beast inside me knew this was what the beast inside him needed, craved. I leaned forward, pushing my breasts against his chest, reveling in the friction. Not hesitating, I bit him in the same place he'd bitten me earlier. I didn't have his fangs, but I bit hard, until blood filled my mouth.
It should be disgusting. But something about it was right. The life that flowed in him was mine. He was mine, mine, mine.
Hisashi thrashed beneath me, his thrusts erratic, his hands clenching my hips so hard his claws drew blood. We savaged each other, and when we both came, hard and in unison, I think the whole block heard our shouts.
I came back down to earth slowly. I couldn't believe what had just happened. How violent we'd been. Hisashi's blanket was ripped in at least two places, where someone's claws had gripped it. We'd knocked over the bedside table at some point, and the lamp was broken.
I could not give a fuck less.
Hisashi slipped an arm under my neck and pulled me close against his side, his chest still heaving. He petted my hair with the other hand, and I glanced up to see him lying with his eyes closed, his face like a prayer.
I touched his jaw and his eyes opened. "Okay there, fox?"
He laughed, deep and rich. "Jesus, Buddha, and Odin, Gesa. Are you okay, babe?"
I laughed too. The first real laugh since the day Oisin's father ruined us all. "You know what? I am. Better than okay, actually."
His chest shook with silent laughter at our combined stupidity. "Gods."
I patted his chest, where the red marks from my talons were already fading. "Canids are just weird. I don't know how to be an alpha. You realize that, right?"
He raked his big hand through my hair again. "I guess it didn't occur to me that might be a problem. I thought alphas just...knew."
I grunted. "Not when you aren't supposed to be physically capable of being an alpha. I might be butch, but I am female, you know."
He let his hand drift lower to grab a handful of my ass. "Oh, I've noticed."
I cupped his jaw and turned his head toward me to kiss him. A real kiss this time, full of all the love I couldn't put into words. And all the pain. We'd both lost the man we loved. And though the rest of the pride loved Oisin in their own way, it wasn't the same. Hisashi knew what I felt. I could see it reflected in his eyes. "We'll get him back," I said, for once feeling it might be true, even though the sharp blade of doubt still poked at my heart.
He nodded. "I know. That's why I'm pushing myself so hard with the magic. I think...well, I've dreamed about using it. I think you need me to get him back. That's why I stayed when I thought sure you wanted me gone."
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Dream? Like another vision of the future?"
He bit his bottom lip, considering. And fuck if that didn't make me want to try that whole sex thing again with a little less rush this time. "I don't know. It felt...significant. But it was different than my other visions. It felt more...hazy."
I heaved a sigh. "You thought I only wanted you around to get him back...and you still stayed."
He laughed. "Well, I kind of had my own selfish reasons too. It's not like I thought I'd get to keep him but...I did want to at least see Oisin again one more time before you booted me out. To at least know he's okay."
I growled. "If I ever catch you being so lame and self-sacrificing again, I will kick your ass."
My fox just grinned at me. "Only if I get to do the same for you. Don't pretend like you don't think this whole mess is somehow your fault."
I swallowed against the tears that swelled in my throat and clouded my vision. "It is," I whispered.
Hisashi pulled me on top of his chest, grunting slightly at my weight. His long arms wrapped around me and he squeezed, as if he could make me believe his words by force. "It's not your fault, gryphon. It's not anyone's fault. Except maybe that red-eyed freakazoid who thinks his kids are some kind of energy drink for the elderly."
He squeezed too hard at that, and I wheezed. "Go easy on the ribs."
He let me go and nuzzled into my neck, his warm breath tickling over where he'd bitten me. "You smell like me," he said in a pleased voice.
I rolled my eyes at the macho manliness vibe. "Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure I left a scar on you with my dull human teeth. I think that makes you my bitch. I reached up to rub a finger over the red crescent shape that was left behind where he'd healed my bite. It stood out like a half-moon on his pure white skin. "I don't think that's going away anytime soon."
He laughed, but he shivered under my touch and tipped his head back, his Adam's apple bobbing in the long column of his throat as he swallowed. "Good."
I knew what he wanted more than anything was to belong. To have a place in the world.
I kissed his chin and climbed off him, ignoring his grunt of pain and the muttering about how much I weighed. We had training to do. Places to go. Fae to kill.